Extremely Depressed Boyfriend

[Valkyria]

Hi there. So, my boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s, and we've been dating for about a year and a half. He's struggling very hard with depression right now, and I don't know what to do. He's not really communicating with me at all - very limited communication for a few weeks now, and nothing at all since Monday. I know at least some of what brought on this particular episode - he's had a ton of issues with money lately, and he just decided to stay with his mom for a bit to save up money, although he was more than welcome to come stay with me. I think he's...embarrassed/ashamed by it, and he didn't want to "mooch" even though it would have been no hardship for me at all. He's dissatisfied at work because he wants to have more responsibility but isn't being given the opportunities he wants. Also, he's on medications, but I think that either they aren't the right ones or something's off with the dose.

 

Anyway, I'm at a loss what to do. These past few weeks, I've been trying to encourage him to get in touch with me. The few messages I've gotten were all very much the same: "I'm such a piece of ****," "You're too good for me," "My life is broken," etc. I've talked to his friends and his mom, and they all agree that he's in a really bad place. I haven't ever been to her house (he moved just over 2 weeks ago), and I was hoping she would tell me a night he had off work and let me come over and check on him, but she said she wouldn't do that without his permission (which I understand, but still was disappointing).

 

When he's been down before, there's been a day or two like this, but it's never gone on for this long or been this severe since I've known him. Do I just keep waiting for him to get in touch with me? My only other idea is to pick a night and wait for him as he leaves work (at a restaurant) and catch him that way, but even though it's my only idea, I don't think it's a particularly good one.

 

So what should I do? Keep messaging him encouraging things (even though it hurts me to be ignored like this...I try to remember it's not personal, but it hurts me nonetheless)? Stop messaging him at all and try to wait for him to get in touch with me? Try to catch him in person? I'm just so worried, and I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any advice or thoughts people have. I'm just completely at a loss here, and I've been trying to be as patient as I can, but I just feel like I need to DO something.

[mrs rubble]

Does he work nights at this restaurant? Does he have day's off?

 

I would just tell him that you two are going out and then take him out for a long walk or a bike ride, or something else free (so he doesn't worry about money) and something physical (to get those endorphins going.)

Don't focus on the depression, distraction can work well. It has with me in the past. I have a good friend who makes a point of making me walk my dog when I'm down.

 

If he's working all evening shifts, it'll be messing with his body clock too and not helping the situation any.

[Valkyria]

Yeah, he's second shift most of the time, so that doesn't help some of this. It's a great idea - I just have no earthly idea how to actually make it happen since he won't answer texts/calls, and I don't know the address of where he's staying right now. Literally the only place I KNOW I could find him is at his work, and I know his usual schedule well enough to make it happen. That just feels like ambushing him, though, and I know he tries incredibly hard not to let his depression affect his job...If he does start answering me, then I'll definitely suggest that, thanks.

[kassy]

I know this sounds harsh, but why do you want to continue this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

 

It seems like he has decided to end it by hiding himself away and not communicating with you. I know he's depressed and depression is a cruel illness which is hard to watch someone we love deal with. But I'm not seeing here any signs of him dealing with it, or communicating with you, or wanting to be in a relationship with you?

 

I would personally suggest you try to see him and talk to him but if nothing changes fairly soon where you are having a good relationship again I would leave. You need to decided as well is this what you want for your life? He is young maybe he needs some time to grow and learn how best for him to deal with his depression. Regardless you are not married to him, you need to decide is this really the best relationship for you

[Valkyria]

I understand that's where this might end up, but I'm pretty far from that right now. There's so much good in him, and as far as I'm concerned, he's worth fighting really hard for. He's always been upfront about this issue, so it's not something that came out of the blue. He'd been honest about the fact that he was feeling pretty down about what was going on, and things seemed okay, but now this week things have been worse, and it's this weird combination of all of these circumstances about where he's staying especially that make me feel like I'm not doing enough to help.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't have to help himself, too - he does. I just think maybe he needs a hand to get started.

[PogoStick]

It's weird, I just told the last depressed couple to end it. I'm willing to go with you in fighting this one, in part because it's a longer and established relationship. And since you feel willing to put in the effort for now.

 

I'd suggest starting with the mother. Ask her out to dinner and express your love and concern. See if the two of you can be a team to support him.

 

I'm guessing bottom line, he needs to have something to work towards. There needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel. However, it could take a year or two for him to even get headed in that direction. Can you stick it out that long?

 

At least that's how my story went. I needed a solid year to slowly stabilize and get on my feet before I could even start moving forward with real goals. Then it took another year to put those goals in place so I could begin pursuing them ( starting a new college degree that would open a new career). I couldn't have done it without the patient, non-judgmental support of family and friends.

[Valkyria]

That's a great idea to ask her out to dinner - I think I'll do that if she's willing.

 

I am willing to wait and be patient with him, but that only works if I'm at least getting SOMETHING from him. I'm pretty independent, and I can take care of myself, but feeling ignored is getting to me. I know I can still handle it for a while, but that's not something I'll be able to deal with forever.

 

I honestly think I'd be doing a lot better with it if he had decided to stay here. At least then I could feel like I was helping somehow. I do get his reasoning for it and all, but...I don't know, I just feel like living in his mom's basement is not so much a great environment for getting better.

 

Pogo (or anyone else who's been through this), if there's anything in particular your family/friends did for you while you were down that was really helpful, I'd appreciate the insight.

[empresario]

I've dealt with numerous psychologically compromised people in relationships and have dealt with depression myself (I was abused by my father as a kid and was clinically depressed by the age of 12).

 

 

One thing I've learned, that no matter how sad I am and no matter how negatively I think and talk about myself...at the end of the day I REALLY don't want to lose a loved one (like a girlfriend).

 

 

Perhaps he needs that wakeup call. In a way, by being ultra-patient and giving him so much encouragement you are enabling him to pity himself. There comes a point in time where some tough love, and the realization that you may not always be there for him, may be the dose he needs to man up and snap out of the 'pity me' stage.

[Valkyria]

Good point. I did get one message from him since I wrote this: "I am the worst and I am truly sorry."

 

I think tonight I'm going to give him basically two options to decide between by Friday night.

 

1) He can choose when to actually have a conversation with me within a few days and pick a time when to see me, but it has to be within a week at the very longest.

 

2) I'll wait in the parking lot of his work to catch him as he's leaving at the end of the night on Friday. If I were to happen to miss him Friday, then I'd try Saturday, etc.

 

I'm really hoping I don't actually have to try to catch him at work...that feels so stalkerish. I just don't have any other place I know where to find him right now. I feel like at least if I tell him ahead of time, he won't feel quite so...ambushed?

 

I don't know. Maybe this is a dumb idea, but it's the only one I've got.

[mystikmind2005]

Get on the internet and read up on depression, there is literally tonns of info out there.

 

One thing i do know about depression - usually the things you need to do to get better, are exactly the things you feel least like doing. and just in general, a depressed person becomes negative towards anything that will help them.

 

You have to think of it like this.... It is almost as if depression is a sentient being in its own rite, and it wants to defend itself my controlling the moron it has implanted itself into and seeks to separate them from things that would help.

[almond]

Don't ambush him at work!!

 

 

I can understand that you're worried, and I'm sorry that this is happening to both of you. Depression not only hurts the sufferer, but those around them too.

 

 

Unfortunately, all you can do is let him know that you're there when he wants to talk. The more you push him and hound him, the more he will pull away.

 

 

Give him the space he obviously needs right now. He is with his mother and she knows what's going on, she'll take care of him for now. There is nothing more you can do...you can't help him if he doesn't want you to. Hang back now, and try to keep busy and focus on yourself. If he still hasn't reached out in a couple of weeks at all, then you might have to look at walking away unfortunately - at least until he's in a place where he can meet you half way.

 

 

If he's not already seeing a psychologist, he really should start doing so. He should also see the doctor that prescribed the medication, and let htem know what's going on. I'd suggest all of this to his mother so she can help him get to these appointments, and also explain to her that you're taking a step back now until he wants to talk to you again.

[Valkyria]

He just sent me this message (right before he left for work):

 

I love you, (name). I truly do. But this whole ordeal is making me realize that I don't think I'm capable of maintaining a relationship.

 

I'm not shocked, but the way he did it upsets me a lot. I don't see this as a "breakup" in and of itself. I need to hear more. I've been shut out for long enough now that I don't even know what the "ordeal" is, exactly, and I need to understand why he's saying that. He's said before he's worried that I can't handle how he gets when he's depressed, but he needs to understand that I can as long as I don't feel completely shut out like this and ignored. If we can have a conversation about what he and I both feel like we can and can't handle, then at least it'll be out in the open. It's almost like we need to set ground rules for dealing with situations like this. If it's completely incompatible, then we know that this isn't going to work, but I need to at least know that.

 

He and I have a rule where anything serious is supposed to only be talked about in person and on the phone. I told him I thought that this was definitely one of those times and I thought we needed to have an actual conversation about it. After I confirmed that he is working tonight, I basically said that I'll respect his space at work and not bother him for now but that I really need the two of us to talk tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't come through on that.

 

He's never been like this about talking about issues with us. I don't know how to explain it. The person who would send that message the way he did and the person who's acting like this isn't him - it is like he's been taken over by something.

 

And anyway...if we are going to break up, take a break, whatever it might be...there's some financial and material things that we'd need to figure out which clearly can't be done by text messages.

 

I don't know what to do. If he calls, at least I can get something out of that, but if not? I honestly don't know what to do.

[Maxtor]

I had to stay away from a girl i really loved. She insisted every single time, but like you and like your boyfriend said, she was too good for me. I loved her so much that I had to let her go. Im still not ok, and i really do miss her. But time is passing and she is enjoying life, i hope.

[EricaH329]

I've only read the original post, so I apologize if this has already been said.

 

I'm dealing with depression myself, and was during my last 2 relationships. I can tell you from personal experience, that the things he is saying to you (he's worthless, etc.) obviously stem from issues he has with himself. No amount of medicine will treat that. He should seek therapy, if he isn't already.

 

Another thing is that when people are depressed, they tend to not want others around. Partly because we want to be alone in the depression, and also because we don't want it to affect others. The best course of action to take, in my experience, is to stress that you are there as a support system for him. That you love him, along with his friends and family, and only want him to get better and will do whatever it takes.

 

I wouldn't 'surprise' him by stopping by unannounced. It can cause stress/anxiety beyond what they are already going through. If I were you, after telling him that you are his support and for him to use you as such, set a day and time that you'll be over to see him. Watch a movie together, or let him vent to you. Don't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but make your presence known, and make sure he knows that you aren't going anywhere.

[Valkyria]

That's just the thing...I wish I knew his mom's place was, because then I'd do just that. I've never been there, and I don't know the address. He hasn't given any indication that he's going to give me the address.

 

I tried really hard to get him to pick a day/time for me to come over, but he just didn't answer those messages.

 

Believe me, I wouldn't even be considering showing up unannounced if I thought there were other options I hadn't considered.

 

I just sent him one more message saying that, although I didn't think I could explain this well over text, I want to be there for him, whatever that means right now, but that I felt we needed to have a conversation no matter what.

 

I'm afraid he's doing exactly that - trying to remove himself from my life so he doesn't hurt me. I can't remember the quote exactly, but it makes me think of the one where it talks about how everyone will hurt you, but you need to decide who's worth hurting for. He's worth it. I just wish I knew how to make him believe it.

 

I agree about the therapy. Last I'd heard, he was waiting for insurance to kick in, which should have happened September 1. I have no idea what's happened since then.

[Oregon_Dude]

Dating depressed people, unless you are also one of them, doesn't work.

 

You're waiting around for them to have a good day; you're spending energy on their well-being instead of your own. It's exhausting and crazy-making, and it's not your job to make someone happy.

 

OP, he did you a favor by being honest and saying he can't handle a r/s right now. He's right. And now you can go find someone who you don't have to WORRY about.

 

When two emotionally stable, healthy adults get together, the world is possible. Anything less is inevitable incompatibility and dysfunction.

 

Trust me, him ending it is a blessing. Let him gooooo.

[EricaH329]

That's just the thing...I wish I knew his mom's place was, because then I'd do just that. I've never been there, and I don't know the address. He hasn't given any indication that he's going to give me the address.

 

I tried really hard to get him to pick a day/time for me to come over, but he just didn't answer those messages.

 

Believe me, I wouldn't even be considering showing up unannounced if I thought there were other options I hadn't considered.

 

I just sent him one more message saying that, although I didn't think I could explain this well over text, I want to be there for him, whatever that means right now, but that I felt we needed to have a conversation no matter what.

 

I'm afraid he's doing exactly that - trying to remove himself from my life so he doesn't hurt me. I can't remember the quote exactly, but it makes me think of the one where it talks about how everyone will hurt you, but you need to decide who's worth hurting for. He's worth it. I just wish I knew how to make him believe it.

 

I agree about the therapy. Last I'd heard, he was waiting for insurance to kick in, which should have happened September 1. I have no idea what's happened since then.

 

I should have said this from the beginning, but i'm VERY sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it can be being on both ends. Know that *you* have support here, just as he has support.

 

Could you contact his family and explain that it may be beneficial for you to see him and if they wouldn't mind, giving you the address?

 

What was his response to the last text you sent him? If you don't mind sharing. It helps to know what his frame of mind is exactly.

 

Another thing i'd like to add, is that a depressed person will *rarely* have the motivation to do anything. If he was waiting on his insurance to kick in, it's doubtful he's pursued it since. Unless he has other people that are making him do it. My mom forced me to go with her to therapy one day, and that was after a full year of depression.

 

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the best you possibly can right now. Hopefully that will give you some sense of relief.

[EricaH329]

Dating depressed people, unless you are also one of them, doesn't work.

 

You're waiting around for them to have a good day; you're spending energy on their well-being instead of your own. It's exhausting and crazy-making, and it's not your job to make someone happy.

 

OP, he did you a favor by being honest and saying he can't handle a r/s right now. He's right. And now you can go find someone who you don't have to WORRY about.

 

When two emotionally stable, healthy adults get together, the world is possible. Anything less is inevitable incompatibility and dysfunction.

 

Trust me, him ending it is a blessing. Let him gooooo.

 

That's extremely harsh! You're basically saying that a depressed person doesn't deserve a relationship. This isn't something he asked for. It's a chemical imbalance that could happen to anyone. Imagine if you got depression and (if everyone took your advice) pushed themselves away from you? Do you think that's conducive at all?

 

Loved ones will do everything they can to support and stick by the ones they love. Through thick and thin. All of that. It's what good people try to do.

[Oregon_Dude]

You're basically saying that a depressed person doesn't deserve a relationship. This isn't something he asked for. It's a chemical imbalance that could happen to anyone. Imagine if you got depression and (if everyone took your advice) pushed themselves away from you? Do you think that's conducive at all?

No, that's NOT what I'm saying. I myself am on anti-depressants because I took charge of my life and decided to try to better it. This guy ain't helping himself. SHE can't fix his problems. At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you can't make someone better. She is fighting an uphill battle. Maybe they can be together in the future, but not now.

 

He pushed HER away in this scenario. Too bad, too, b/c she seems sweet. It's not her job for her to wait around for him to "get better".

[EricaH329]

No, that's NOT what I'm saying. I myself am on anti-depressants because I took charge of my life and decided to try to better it. This guy ain't helping himself. SHE can't fix his problems. At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you can't make someone better. She is fighting an uphill battle. Maybe they can be together in the future, but not now.

 

He pushed HER away in this scenario. Too bad, too, b/c she seems sweet. It's not her job for her to wait around for him to "get better".

 

She isn't trying to 'fix his problems'. If that were the case then i'd have to agree and say that's impossible. She just wants to *be there* for him the best that she can. People do recover from this, and they remember who was by their side during their struggle. I'd resent anyone who left me during a time of need. While I admire your strength to get something done about it, not a lot of depressed people have that strength. And just because one person does, doesn't mean it's easy for other people too either.

 

Having a support system is KEY during times like this. And, again, loved ones will be that support system. She clearly loves him, and has stated that he's worth it to stick around and see this through with him. Encouraging her to do different is counter-productive. It's time to start giving advice about what the best course of action to take would be.

[Valkyria]

Oregon and Erica, I appreciate both of your thoughts. I sort of agree with both in a way. I think there could come a point in this relationship where I would have to walk away for my own health and well-being if I'm not getting what I need out of it long term. However, I'm not there yet, and it would take quite a bit more to get me there because of the strength of my feelings for him and my belief that he will get better (maybe not permanently, but still). I want to be there for him and support him and help get him through this (but yes, there's nothing I can do to force him to get better. I know the desire is there, but I think he needs help on the follow through). Of course, if he truly doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, that doesn't matter. I just have a feeling that it's not the case.

 

In response to your question, he hasn't reaponsed back yet, and I wouldn't expect him to until after he's done with work. He's usually busy enough at work that he doesn't have much of a chance anyway (and no true breaks), and the higher ups are pretty strict about phones.