Mutual love but not together

[Shane95]

Recently my ex and I broke up after being together for about 4 months. We did on good terms. We said goodbye and that we both loved each other and that there was a good chance we would get back again. She also promised me another chance one day if things didn't workout for now.

 

During this time I was doing no contact with her and she seemed to miss me, leaving all her pics of us on social media even though she previously always deleted her exs pics. She even left her relationship status with me on Facebook.

 

The reason she broke up with me was because of a multitude of reasons. Some were personal some were because of me. She said she had forgiven me entirely for the things I had done, I have been working on those issues as well. My issues with her was that I was codependent in my happiness with her and she was the same way with me. We talked to each other nonstop and never gave another any space but it wasn't that we were invading space either at the time. Another reason was not only was I addicted to her, I was addicted to sex with her. She took my virginity, I had done other sexual acts with girls but never all the way. She always had a thing for it though, I was the first guy out of maybe 10 to ever make her orgasm. My immaturity was the last major factor because of me. I used to just be straight up childish around her. I have since moved on from that during the month we've been apart as well. During the "week" of the breakup (there really is no exact day, just that week) I begged for her to come back, badly too, she was the best girlfriend I had ever had. We used to fight because she was becoming depressed( I will talk about that later on) and I didn't see that, I just saw that she didn't feel content with me. She did on the inside but she couldn't show it. That would make me fight with her. Eventually she had enough. The biggest fight we had happened after she said she wanted a less physical relationship during the week. I refused to have sex with her because I saw where sex had taken us. She said she wanted support and that I always faked it. She was right, I to a point wanted to just get in her pants, however I loved her unconditionally even if we didn't had sex, I just had an addiction.

 

Now for her personal reasons. She wanted to find herself, she always perceived me as perfect. She always felt I was still the perfect guy for her even after all that ****. She was just scared if commitment at her age and that she felt she had lost herself within the relationship (She is 18 in high school and I'm 19 in college). It's not that she just wants to experiment with other guys as she had already done quite a bit before me, it was that she wanted to experiment with herself. She never knew who she was or where she stood even before me. With me along her side never leaving wasn't helping her do that. She liked being alone and after we broke up and I could see her shifting towards introverted ways. She now takes quite a bit of time by Herself to be alone. She doesn't like it but she feels safe. She also has depression, it's always been there but it really got fired up in the last month or so. I was the second "real" relationship she had ever been in. I'm not sure what that means because I know she dated quite a few guys before me and did things with them. However the previous guy treated her awful. She got depressed with him similarly and he showed her the door because of that. That sent her into a very long term depression of about 4 months of no eating, from November to March. I talked to her at the beginning of May. She always said the fall really depressed her even more as around this time last year was when he dumped her. She also has been though many traumas, I will not speak of them as they are personal but she has been though quite a bit. A lot more than other people.

 

A few days ago She called me asking if I wanted to go to a festivle with her, I was going to ask her if she wanted to go myself because we were texting for the first time since we broke up this week. I agreed humbly. While we were there it was truly amazing. We were there about 8 hours together, never going separate ways with one another. It was the first time we had gone on a date since the night we somewhat broke up. Anyways, we rode all the rides together, ate together and truly had one of the best times we had ever had with one another. It was different yet similar to our previous dates( I'll explain later). We held hands and she hugged me and cuddled with me for most of the time. I brought her a sweatshirt she always wanted because i knew it would be somewhat cold that day and she kept it. I won her things as well and she gratefully kept them too. We actually went on another "date" after we broke up and it was more of a goodbye date. I offered her a sweatshirt then but she never wanted to keep my things because she knew it would cause her to miss me and not get over me. On the ride home (almost 100 miles) we had a conversation like never before. Usually our conversations were dominated by me and my sexual intrusions, I always wanted to get laid every time I saw her because we only could see one another a couple times a week. We used to do it multiple times in a day too and it was weird how one day she just wanted it but significantly less( beginning of depressing) However I didn't want that for once. We talked about things we never talked about. About 10 miles from her house I apologized for everything including the addiction and codependence I had for her. She said it wasn't me really and not to take this personally, it was just her and her personal issues, she wanted to handle them on her own. She even said she saw us possibly being married one day for the first time in her life before we broke up. I asked her if she wanted to keep doing this and she wasn't sure. She said that this was a friend date somewhat but it wasn't one entirely, she still had feelings for me. She just wasn't ready for a relationship yet. She said I was the first guy she wanted one with however when she was ready. I hugged her goodbye and didn't kiss her. That night she was saying I she didn't want to because she was sick otherwise she would kiss me (I also ended up barfing in front of her because I got food poisoning or something haha). When I got home I told her I had a lot of fun and that I didn't like that she had to go. She agreed about having a lot of fun but had no comment on the leaving part. We told each other goodnight and since I haven't talked to her all day today. When she told me a lot of this, she was very tired and she tends to not think clearly when she is, and so do I. I would've said a lot of those things on a more thoughtful and subtle level if I had been rested. I am not sure what she wants at this point, I guess that's up to her.

 

A ps, a couple nights ago I messaged her saying I wanted to have a less serious relationship on a much lower level and she agreed to a large extent. We had a good conversation and since have picked up quite well from there for the first time since our breakup. Before I had given her practically nothing of me, not talking to her for days and if I did it was very brief but nice conversation. Giving her space really was working very well and I've still been giving her an ample amount. I haven't even talked to her since then but I'm not sure that's entirely right....

 

I was hoping someone could answer some of my questions: where do I go

From here, I feel I need to continue giving her space which I did all week and she really liked that? What do I not tell her and what should I tell her? How do I prevent from being put into a possible friend zone? Should I ask her on dates or let her ask me? What can I do to bring her closer to me? What can I do to prevent scaring her off? I feel last night was a very big stepping stone in our progression to get back? I just really want her back but not like things were, I want her to be my person. She's very special to me and for no other of my exes would I have gone out of my way for all of this. I am different now too, I am okay if she said she doesn't want a relationship, we haven't moved on entirely but it wouldn't be hard at this point.

 

I put just about all I can remember down, I probably forgot some stuff though. Feel free to ask questions. Thank you very much for reading all of this and thank you even more for any help or advice you may give. I truly do appreciate it.

[Ami1uwant]

As I was reading I sa8d they had to be around 18-22 and I was right.

[rocketman122]

hahaha. same here

[thunder777]

way too much to read there mate, but from what i read, if your first "lay" (girl lost virginity to) was a good one youre gonna be treasuring it for the rest of your life, it will always be so special

 

without reading the rest, be proud your first one was a good one, and NOW be excited youre free with no cherry and you can get laid whenever & where ever

 

also you havent been going NO CONTACT if you have been stalking her facebook. you need to never look at anything of hers, because its like your sitting out the front of her house behind the bushes taking notes on her movements. you are not moving on

 

if her name is "sarah white" for instance, then the social media of sarah white is about as irrelevant to you as the next irrelevant random girl on fb, mould your life now so she is just another irrelevant random stranger, or you wont heal

[PogoStick]

 

I was hoping someone could answer some of my questions: where do I go

From here, I feel I need to continue giving her space which I did all week and she really liked that? What do I not tell her and what should I tell her? How do I prevent from being put into a possible friend zone? Should I ask her on dates or let her ask me? What can I do to bring her closer to me? What can I do to prevent scaring her off? I feel last night was a very big stepping stone in our progression to get back? I just really want her back but not like things were, I want her to be my person. She's very special to me and for no other of my exes would I have gone out of my way for all of this. I am different now too, I am okay if she said she doesn't want a relationship, we haven't moved on entirely but it wouldn't be hard at this point.

 

You're too young and inexperienced to get it, but the short answer is that you end it, forever. When she's lonely, she may try to suck you back in for attention and comfort, just like at the fair. For your own health, you can't let his happen anymore.

 

Also, relationships at your age aren't supposed to last. Take some months to get over this and reflect on the good and bad. Then use that to make your next relationship better.

 

Finally, you are co-dependent. It makes you feel secure to be needed by a damaged girl. You can't save her and it's unhealthy attempting to do so. Find a healthy woman who has her life together so you can have a mutual/equal relationship.

 

Say whatever sweet things you need to. Then, Say your goodbyes to this girl and MEAN IT. No contact, no more dates, no conversations. And when you're ready start dating new girls.

[hunk]

I feel like a broken record on this forum but here we go again.

 

She doesn't want to sleep with you. She's not attracted to you as a boyfriend. She wants to sleep with other men. Every reason she is giving you about "wanting to find herself" or "not being ready" is complete BS and is code for "i want to bang hotter men who i am attracted to, have fun and sleep around. You bore me, i'm not attracted to you, you're really nice and i care about you but you don't get me excited in the way Josh does when he winks at me or slaps my ass after a football game or yells at me when we're at a party".

 

She is 18 and wants to **** other guys. Not you. That's it. It's not rocket science. She's 18 - this is the thought process of an 18 year old when it comes to dating - "wow he's hot, popular AND smart (but mostly he's hot and cool) That's it, we're dating."

 

There's no umming and ahh-ing or "going slow". She's not "different" or "not like the rest". She's exactly like the "rest". You are either into eachother or you're not. You are into her, and she is not into you in the same way. You need to let this go. She has absolutely nothing going on in her life right now that would stop her being with you if she really wanted to. If Brad Pitt walked in the room while she was giving you the "look, it's just ME ... i just need to FIND MYSELF" talk and said "listen to me, you are with me now, drop this little worm" she would politely excuse herself and be blowing his junk in the bathroom within 30 seconds and you'd never see or hear from her again.

[Shane95]

Honestly none of these were really good responses at all. Maybe optimistism just doesn't exist here. What's the point of moving on when neither one wants to, they just want space. She doesn't want another guy she still wants me. I'm not stupid at all, I've been in other relations. I by no means am ugly either . Right off the bat I charmed her because I know how to actually talk to a girl and present myself. If no one is actually going to give optimistic advice on here, then this is my last post here.

 

Let's just say I wouldn't actually be a virgin if it weren't for the girls before me not fitting either tbh.

 

Anyways, thanks for being a Debbie downer, I guess that's what life is. Screwing a girl for a couple months and just moving on or just being a manwhore according to half of you. Good luck

[Draper]

Let's just say I wouldn't actually be a virgin if it weren't for the girls before me not fitting either tbh.

 

Right.....

[PogoStick]

Come back in 6 months and tell us how it all worked out just fine.