edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 So I pulled the plug with this guy I've been seeing sporadically and casually for 6 months. I liked him and spending time with him, he's good on paper and we are theoretically a good match, yet I wasn't totally enamored or so. He seemed content meeting 2-3 times a month, and I am looking for a real partner. Not sure what the deal with him is. When I was "breaking up" (don't think you can call it that in casual relationships so let's say when I was "pulling the plug"), he said he had fun when he spends time with me, he cares about me and what I've been going through, and that he's attracted to me. Hmm so why wasn't he more assertive? Anyway -- my question is: if I wasn't that into him, and the relationship wasn't "working", why is it that even though I was the dumper, I am feeling these weird post-breakup blues and a bit down? Shouldn't I be happy that I might have a chance to meet the right person and not be emotionally attached to the wrong guy? Hmm.
Bo34 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 How often were you two in contact when you didn't see each other? Text/Phone calls?
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Bo34, I'd say at least once a week, but then there were times he was not in touch for 2 weeks and then would send me a text planning to meet. I was abroad for family issues but thought this would change when I returned. It didn't. When I was ending it this week, he says he does that (disappearing a little on people)... I said yeah, but that doesn't work for relationships. I'd say he was consistent in his inconsistency though lol. He would always come back. Not sure what he was thinking... that a woman would take that? All this time he gave me the impression he's a bit clueless about how to handle relationships although he's in his late 40s.
mightycpa Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Because spiritually, you were the dumpee. You wanted more out of him, and he wasn't giving it to you. You just pulled the trigger first, but that doesn't change the dynamic between the two of you. He had the power of least interest over you. All you had was unfulfilled desires. 1
jen1447 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 It's just normal separation anxiety baby. It happens to some extent in almost all breakups. You'll be ok.
Bo34 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 A few things here; You're sad in some way for the memories with him, but mostly about the loss of a potential dream. Anytime you date someone for a few months, there is always a thought of this can be "the one." So, you're mourning the loss of that dream more than anything. He's 40!! He's a grown ass man. He knows exactly what he's doing. I wouldnt be able to handle seeing someone 2-3 times a month, but that can be okay under some circumstances. What's not okay in any way shape or form is not having daily communication while apart. It's imperative you and your partner to text on a daily basis and call each other every few days at the very minimum. That say A LOT!! Move on. You deserve better
frigginlost Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 So I pulled the plug with this guy I've been seeing sporadically and casually for 6 months. I liked him and spending time with him, he's good on paper and we are theoretically a good match, yet I wasn't totally enamored or so. He seemed content meeting 2-3 times a month, and I am looking for a real partner. Not sure what the deal with him is. When I was "breaking up" (don't think you can call it that in casual relationships so let's say when I was "pulling the plug"), he said he had fun when he spends time with me, he cares about me and what I've been going through, and that he's attracted to me. Hmm so why wasn't he more assertive? Anyway -- my question is: if I wasn't that into him, and the relationship wasn't "working", why is it that even though I was the dumper, I am feeling these weird post-breakup blues and a bit down? Shouldn't I be happy that I might have a chance to meet the right person and not be emotionally attached to the wrong guy? Hmm. Because you have a heart. Pulling the plug sucks, not matter which side you are on. You seem to have your head on straight knowing that you were not that into him. You're just feeling the loss.... Now, if you pulled the plug to "see where he was at" regarding you, that's a whole different story.
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 I see your point and thought about that, but my conclusion is not really, I wasn't that into him. It just seemed like a plausible possibility. The only reason I kept meeting him was because he's good on paper and a nice, cute and intelligent person. Dating in my age is not a piece of cake so when you find someone that has good "ingredients", you try to see if you can make things work somehow even when there are no amazing fireworks. Not sure it works, obviously. Some kind of passion apparently needs to be there to hold things together otherwise it's like you're hanging out with a friend. The truth is because he's not very passionate in general (about anything, it seems), my feelings did not grow either. Because spiritually, you were the dumpee. You wanted more out of him, and he wasn't giving it to you. You just pulled the trigger first, but that doesn't change the dynamic between the two of you. He had the power of least interest over you. All you had was unfulfilled desires.
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 good one Jen but it's true... I got acostumed to meeting him and it's going to be weird to not have it. -- sep·a·ra·tion anx·i·e·ty nounPsychiatry noun: separation anxiety anxiety provoked in a young child by separation or the threat of separation from their mother.
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 You're sad in some way for the memories with him, but mostly about the loss of a potential dream. Anytime you date someone for a few months, there is always a thought of this can be "the one." So, you're mourning the loss of that dream more than anything. True. I think you got it perfectly right. It's imperative you and your partner to text on a daily basis and call each other every few days at the very minimum. That say A LOT!! Move on. You deserve better Agreed 100%. For some reason I thought initially that life got in the way (me being abroad etc). But it became unacceptable to me when I came back and he thought it would be okay to be absent. He kept saying he's traveling a lot for work (and he is) but I don't think it's a good excuse. It takes 1 minute to send a text. I guess my mistake was never to point it out that the frequency was bothering me, and leave it all to be said only on the breakup day. Maybe I should have given a warning, but I guess I just wasn't into it/him that much to care enough. Because you have a heart. Pulling the plug sucks, not matter which side you are on. You seem to have your head on straight knowing that you were not that into him. You're just feeling the loss.... Now, if you pulled the plug to "see where he was at" regarding you, that's a whole different story. Not sure but don't think so... I guess if I was more interested, instead of pulling the plug I'd have a real talk and give him a chance to realize it was turning me off. Still... yeah to feeling the loss of someone you were not super into. Weird feeling.
jen1447 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 good one Jen but it's true... I got acostumed to meeting him and it's going to be weird to not have it. -- sep·a·ra·tion anx·i·e·ty nounPsychiatry noun: separation anxiety anxiety provoked in a young child by separation or the threat of separation from their mother. I didn't know it was limited to children honestly. Not sure why it would be, as adults are susceptible to anxiety that's based on separation from a loved one or a familiar person too, obvs. So I think it does apply, even if maybe they call it sth else for adults. The idea is just that you were around this person regularly so that it became the norm, now you've stopped being around him, so you'll feel out of sorts living outside the norm you established until the new situation itself becomes the norm. Pretty simple really.
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Oh it's not limited to children... I googled it and it exists for adults as well... I just thought the description for the children's one was cute. I wasn't being sarcastic Thank you for talking about the subject, I will read about it to try and make sense of this. I do think it will help. [/url]
BC1980 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I think it's just hard when things don't work out because you did invest something in him. Sometimes, you stay in a relationship hoping the person will turn out to be "the one" even when it's obvious they won't be. Maybe you're just upset at the general prospect of having to date again.
Author edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 You're absolutely right. That's exactly how I feel. And yes -- yes I am terrified of, once again, go out there... And I look online and no one interests me. Ahhh It seems guys in their 40s through 50 left are only the ones with emotional issues and/or baggage. SOS I think it's just hard when things don't work out because you did invest something in him. Sometimes, you stay in a relationship hoping the person will turn out to be "the one" even when it's obvious they won't be. Maybe you're just upset at the general prospect of having to date again.
mightycpa Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 So having read through the rest of this, I think I see. If I've understood you, then it seems you have a model in mind... that whatever the "near perfect" relationship looks like to you, that's what you're looking for. So you meet a few guys, and some you can throw out immediately, others are probably weeded out after a date or two, then there are the possibilities. This guy, I guess, was a possibility. "He's good on paper" meaning you can check off a few attributes from your model: maybe emotionally stable, right age, financially stable, independent, kind, etc. So, he qualifies from that point of view. He made it further down the funnel than most, but the essential ingredient, which I would describe as you two being crazy about each other, that was what was missing. I did something similar when I was dating, although I'm guessing I was much younger. Nevertheless, same principle. I dated three women at a time, and I kept some days open to find a new one. I would keep the top three, and discard the "worst" one. The effect of this approach was to increase both the quality and number of the women with which I entered into dating relationships. I noticed a funny thing about it... while I was dating a bunch of perfectly nice women, who I genuinely liked, that spark simply wasn't there with any of them. They were fun, I could have sex whenever I wanted, and I liked the variety, but it took over 4 years, and probably 30 women before I found someone with whom I actually felt that spark. So I don't know if it is possible or advisable to use this approach when you're a female above her 30's, but I think the long and short of it is that you need to kiss a lot of frogs, and the faster you go through your rejects, the faster you'll find one that works. Essentially, you're in sales, and you are the product you're trying to push. To answer your original question, now I think that perhaps that instead of being disappointed that this wasn't the guy, you have become somewhat discouraged, and that your recent failure with this latest guy makes you believe that you're never going to find what you're looking for. Your sadness is not about him necessarily, it's about you and your ultimate prospects for success. Closer? Because if it is really what Bo34 said, I just can't empathize.
Author edgygirl Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Wow I am shocked by your precise analysis. The problem is I am in that 4th year of dating you mention... in fact I am exactly at the 4th year of trying to find someone for a real LTR... but I guess I am really tired of looking, and looking... and never finding it. And of all the almost-there relationships. I am just discouraged I guess. Obviously so discouraged that I dated a guy I didn't have much sparks with for 6 months in the hopes that something would eventually change and suddenly the sparks and excitement would be there. Which is not my typical modus operandi. I have this friend who keeps saying that back in the day people fell in love later, after getting to know each other better. I guess I was doing an experiment with him to see if that could happen. Not sure what he was trying to do with "us". Anyway I guess I have to keep going as you said. For some reason the available interesting candidates seem to diminish every year. I guess I have to try something else besides online dating. That's prob where most people with emotional issues gather.
Author edgygirl Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Also to be fair, he was there after I: 1. lost my job 2. my mom became ill. Basically when my life turned upside down in a matter of 2 months. And although inconsistent, he was providing me emotional support through the whole thing. And in truth, I didn't even have energy to go search for someone else, I guess I couldn't. It was comforting to have him around and I didn't make much of it. Now that I am strong enough to start trying to recover from the mess, I guess I am seeing he's dating style or whatever it is doesn't work for me. I need a real, daily relationship.
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