How do I get passed this anger phase? I feel like I didn't deserve this from him

[Jc396]

3 weeks ago my boyfriend of five years dumped me. We were each other's first relationship and we pretty much grew up together. We have been through so much from family problems, to job problems. Eventually problems started to arise right at around three years and he ended up cheating on me.

 

I decided to continue on with the relationship and move forward despite how upset and betrayed I felt. I made all these outrageous demands to him which he met. He changed himself for the better while I pretty much stayed the same. I found it hard to trust him and forgive him after what happened. I already had self confidence issues so him betraying me didn't help. I continued to torture myself with his betrayal and not acknowledging that he was bettering himself.

 

This led to him resenting me and us fighting for about a year. He shipped off to basic military training for about 3 months while I wrote to him everyday and waited on him. During this time To myself I worked on improving my self confidence, made friends, and got into new hobbies. When he got back things seemed to be better. We got a long better and I was happier with myself and everything around me. I thought I have improved on my outlook until life got in the way.

 

My parents divorced and I was having problems at my job and unable to find a new job. I found myself with no direction and felt like I wasted time in school. At the time I thought the only thing going right was our relationship. This was until we ended up getting into a fight over him misunderstanding a statement I made. He completely berated me and made me feel like I made absolutely no effort to improve myself. He kept going on and on about him not getting what he wants out the relationship when I honestly was trying my best. This led to me feeling discouraged for about a week and started to feel bad about myself again. I decided to talk to him about it and tell him how he has made me feel but he broke up with me. He said I need to learn to love myself before I can love anyone and he said I need to do it alone. After me begging him back for a week, he blocked me on everything and completely cut me out of his life.

 

Now what I'm upset about is that I feel like he ended it over something relatively small compared to what I had to face. I was the only one there for him multiple times in the relationship and I feel like he couldn't be there for me when I needed him to be now. He left me cause he was unhappy and he said he is tired of suffering cause of how I feel about myself. Well I did just that two years ago but I loved him enough to work through it and not give up. I'm angry cause I feel like I couldn't get the same back from him. I'm confused cause I feel like my issues with my self confidence doesn't warrant how cold he is acting towards me. He is acting like I betrayed him which I feel like I didn't do. I tried my hardest to make him happy yet I feel like a bad person for failing at it. How do I get over this?

[Jc396]

Sorry for the novel, I just need to get some sort of insight I feel like I'm driving myself mad with this. This is my first breakup and it was pretty rough

[supermaddud]

I don't know if I'm the best person for advice, but I might as well try. What I would recommend is taking some time out doing nc, it's difficult and if you don't go into it in the right mindset you won't be able to complete it. Spend time with friends and family, particularly people important to you that you may have been neglecting because of priorities and lack of time (neglecting isn't really the word but I'm sure you know what I mean). Take this time to reconnect with the others in your life.

 

I'm guessing you want your ex back, that's why nc is the best thing. Give each other space to think about thimgs, don't do what I did and annoy your ex because all that will do is push them further away. It will be hard to keep from contacting him, but I think you can do it.

 

It sounds like you guys have been through a lot together, maybe this is just another hurdle. You have to remember that sometimes things change, and without change the world will be a boring place. Right now you may think that I'm talking crap and obviously you want to get back with him, but this is something you need to realise for yourself in time.

 

This isn't the best advice but I hope it at least gives you amother perspective, I wish you all the best.

[Jc396]

No thank you for the perspective, I've currently completed 2 weeks of no contact but I don't think it's helping me much. I just can't help but feel sad that he is probably out enjoying his life now and I'm all upset

[Mggreen]

No thank you for the perspective, I've currently completed 2 weeks of no contact but I don't think it's helping me much. I just can't help but feel sad that he is probably out enjoying his life now and I'm all upset

 

Keep at it. No contact is important. Get a healthy distance from him and everything that has happened.

 

Let yourself heal and re-asses what you want in life - and what you need for yourself.

[paddlingduck]

Hi JC396

 

So sorry to hear what you are going through. You have taken the right first step in doing no contact. But the most important thing is that you use this time to focus on yourself and not him. I know you want him back, but don't focus on that now. You need to feel good about you at this time. Start doing things that make you happy go have a spa day, go shopping, take up a new hobby. This will help to let that anger go. Sometimes we neglect ourselves in relationships and worry too much about what the other person wants.

Another thing that struck me with this post was you gave him another chance even though he did an awful thing by cheating on you. Yet when the tables were turned (and you didn't even do anything to him) and things got tough and you needed support he wasn't there for you. I would just ask you to consider this, is this the type of person you want a future with? Someone who bails when the going gets tough? You deserve someone that is there during the bad times as well as the good times!

Take care x

[Jc396]

 

Another thing that struck me with this post was you gave him another chance even though he did an awful thing by cheating on you. Yet when the tables were turned (and you didn't even do anything to him) and things got tough and you needed support he wasn't there for you. I would just ask you to consider this, is this the type of person you want a future with? Someone who bails when the going gets tough? You deserve someone that is there during the bad times as well as the good times!

Take care x

 

That's the thing, I feel so angry with him. At the moment I know I don't want to get back together cause I know he can easily do this again when things are not ideal. I just need to know how to get over the anger of feeling betrayed by someone who I calle my best friend