What to Make of Text from Ex

[Ajax]

Okay kids, I'm back. Another failed relationship in the books!

 

It was actually about a month ago. We dated for six months and then she ended things seemingly out of the blue. I was hurt, but didn't bother to post here yet because this ain't my first rodeo and I knew how to handle things. I told her I needed time and space and I went NC. Never even came close to breaking it. I was gold.

 

And then today she sent me this text:

 

"I know I said I would not contact you but I have to say that I miss being at your side, having you by mine, and I really miss my friend! I know I shared with you that communication is hard for me when to speak up in relationships and I really failed you keeping you in the dark about how I was feeling. I guess I'm a lot worse at this than I thought.

 

I probably missed my chance with you to really have a deep relationship that I want because of me. I now know I was holding back which caused a separation between us within me. I don't know what it is to have someone that could actually work through things with... I never gave you a chance to show me we could work through something tough. Everything I do I think of you and wish you were here by my side."

 

So yeah... kind of the text that dumpees everywhere want to get after a month. But still... she's not exactly asking for anything.

 

I offer it up to the Loveshack community to help me decide how to respond, or if I even should.

 

My own feelings about it are that if there were a reasonable chance of getting back together and having it work out I would absolutely go for it. But I'm also okay now, even only after a month of NC. I haven't been sitting around pining over her, and don't want to unnecessarily risk throwing that all away.

[wlh22]

Hey man! First of all, kudos to you for handling the breakup well. I know exactly how it feels (as a guy) to be dumped out of the blue, when you didn't seem to have done anything blatantly wrong or hurtful.

 

 

It seems from her message, she is being genuine. It happens to people (that they struggle to let someone in) but again, she was the one to let you go so you will have to treat with caution if you were to consider going back.

 

 

If it helps, I think she is making it clear she wants to be with you (her last sentence ... "wish you were here by my side". So now it's up to you and what you want.

 

 

If you want to try, you can also ask her why she is contacting so ask her to make her intentions crystal clear.

 

 

Last but not least, I don't know why chicks make relationships so difficult man. If you have something good, don't screw up. This coming back business is always tough

 

 

Okay kids, I'm back. Another failed relationship in the books!

 

It was actually about a month ago. We dated for six months and then she ended things seemingly out of the blue. I was hurt, but didn't bother to post here yet because this ain't my first rodeo and I knew how to handle things. I told her I needed time and space and I went NC. Never even came close to breaking it. I was gold.

 

And then today she sent me this text:

 

"I know I said I would not contact you but I have to say that I miss being at your side, having you by mine, and I really miss my friend! I know I shared with you that communication is hard for me when to speak up in relationships and I really failed you keeping you in the dark about how I was feeling. I guess I'm a lot worse at this than I thought.

 

I probably missed my chance with you to really have a deep relationship that I want because of me. I now know I was holding back which caused a separation between us within me. I don't know what it is to have someone that could actually work through things with... I never gave you a chance to show me we could work through something tough. Everything I do I think of you and wish you were here by my side."

 

So yeah... kind of the text that dumpees everywhere want to get after a month. But still... she's not exactly asking for anything.

 

I offer it up to the Loveshack community to help me decide how to respond, or if I even should.

 

My own feelings about it are that if there were a reasonable chance of getting back together and having it work out I would absolutely go for it. But I'm also okay now, even only after a month of NC. I haven't been sitting around pining over her, and don't want to unnecessarily risk throwing that all away.

[kevin smithy]

Okay kids, I'm back. Another failed relationship in the books!

 

It was actually about a month ago. We dated for six months and then she ended things seemingly out of the blue. I was hurt, but didn't bother to post here yet because this ain't my first rodeo and I knew how to handle things. I told her I needed time and space and I went NC. Never even came close to breaking it. I was gold.

 

And then today she sent me this text:

 

"I know I said I would not contact you but I have to say that I miss being at your side, having you by mine, and I really miss my friend! I know I shared with you that communication is hard for me when to speak up in relationships and I really failed you keeping you in the dark about how I was feeling. I guess I'm a lot worse at this than I thought.

 

I probably missed my chance with you to really have a deep relationship that I want because of me. I now know I was holding back which caused a separation between us within me. I don't know what it is to have someone that could actually work through things with... I never gave you a chance to show me we could work through something tough. Everything I do I think of you and wish you were here by my side."

 

So yeah... kind of the text that dumpees everywhere want to get after a month. But still... she's not exactly asking for anything.

 

I offer it up to the Loveshack community to help me decide how to respond, or if I even should.

 

My own feelings about it are that if there were a reasonable chance of getting back together and having it work out I would absolutely go for it. But I'm also okay now, even only after a month of NC. I haven't been sitting around pining over her, and don't want to unnecessarily risk throwing that all away.

 

Im dealing with my first break up and its getting better for me. im telling you this because i dont have much experience lol. but she does talk genuinely and it appears as if she wants something back with you but she cant make it clear or she doesnt want to. i think you should meet up with her and see what her true intentions are, i mean she did message you and she had some time to think about what she wanted. so give her a try but keep your guard up at all times.. some people deserve second chances but definitely not a third. so you should meet up with her and see what happens because its clear she wants a reply to your message.

[mightycpa]

"I know I said I would not contact you but I have to say that I miss being at your side, having you by mine, and I really miss my friend! I know I shared with you that communication is hard for me when to speak up in relationships and I really failed you keeping you in the dark about how I was feeling. I guess I'm a lot worse at this than I thought.

 

I probably missed my chance with you to really have a deep relationship that I want because of me. I now know I was holding back which caused a separation between us within me. I don't know what it is to have someone that could actually work through things with... I never gave you a chance to show me we could work through something tough. Everything I do I think of you and wish you were here by my side."

Be careful what you wish for. A tiger doesn't change its stripes. Yes, she might be feeling regret now, but later, when she starts to feel itchy again, she's going to fall right back into that same pattern of holding back and keeping you in the dark, just like before, because that's who she is. She hasn't changed in one month, and she's not gotten any better at what she admits her problem is. That problem still exists.

 

Food for thought.

[wlh22]

I disagree with mighycpa. The real question will be if she is willing to take the effort. People change all the time, for better or worse, but they do. But this is the reason I said "you will have to be cautious"... mightycpa is taking to the extreme saying "tiger doesn't change its stripes". I am saying "someone who seems genuine can be given a second chance"

 

 

Be careful what you wish for. A tiger doesn't change its stripes. Yes, she might be feeling regret now, but later, when she starts to feel itchy again, she's going to fall right back into that same pattern of holding back and keeping you in the dark, just like before, because that's who she is. She hasn't changed in one month, and she's not gotten any better at what she admits her problem is. That problem still exists.

 

Food for thought.

[Keenly]

Don't even waste your time. This person already showed you who they are. Don't do anything stupid.

[dumbass2]

Can you see a future with her right now today if nothing has changed about her? Can you ever trust her again or will you be worrying that she could leave again out of the blue?

[Hell Yeah]

Second chances can work.....

 

didn't for me personally, and i am reaping the destruction from giving that person that chance

 

they gave me the same spill as you, even gave me a 'disclaimer' saying right at the beginning of our relationship 'reunion' I'm scared I'm going to hurt you again......

 

Now it could work.....but 1 month of realization, change etc is not enough time to reflect and change ones self

 

My ex and I were apart from say 2-3 months before we got back, and the same issues still reside within her, she just worn her mask even tighter to hide that again.....

 

People never change. They just become more of who they really are

 

but up to you dude

[justsounsure]

She sounds like she wants to get together and talk. I would do just that. Get together ... and let her talk.

[mightycpa]

I disagree with mighycpa. The real question will be if she is willing to take the effort. People change all the time, for better or worse, but they do. But this is the reason I said "you will have to be cautious"... mightycpa is taking to the extreme saying "tiger doesn't change its stripes". I am saying "someone who seems genuine can be given a second chance"

I know what you're saying, and I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I would counter with this:

 

1) The real question is not whether she's willing to make the effort, but rather, for HOW LONG is she willing to make the effort? If holding back and poor communication is what is natural to her, then doing otherwise is hard work, and can take years to overcome. So, sure, her intentions are good now, but six months, a year, two years down the road? People have a tough time changing their fundamental traits, and most slip back into what is natural and comfortable for them. I'd be more comfortable with it if she had already changed, without you. Then you'd know it would be genuine.

 

2) The other thing is that it's only been a month. That is generally not enough time for the level of introspection required to truly understand one's faults and what you're willing to do about it. It takes longer than that. People just don't snap their fingers and change. In the span of a lifetime, one month is close to nothing.

 

Anyway, I'm just saying be careful, and if you do this, keep your eyes and ears open.

[Travelchick84]

The fact that she has indeed reached out to you and is being honest in how she feels and that she is saying that she is partly to blame, she wants to let you know this and that maybe she is indeed struggling with her feelings and she might very well want you back but might need your support to help her through this tough time. She mentions that she didn't communicate with you which lead to the breakdown of your relationship and your friendship - she obviously couldn't deal with how she felt at the time and drag you along for the ride. Mad a woman reaching out and telling you this, she can see what she has done and she has to get help with her issues. She is reaching out to you without actively asking for help.

I would offer to meet her for a coffee, don't involve alcohol which will heighten emotions either of you may have, or end up in bed together! Don't talk about negatives of the relationship, offer support and that you are there for her, just keep the conversation positive and thank her for getting in touch, but for you to be by her side again she needs to be honest and there needs to be a way forward if you both want it to work, make it clear you don't want to get back and go back to square one, take your time and do the fun things again but don't always be available to her so she can have her space to deal with things at a gradual pace. But make it clear if you are going to have a future together it needs to be a new and fresh relationship where the past stays in the past. Work together and separately slowly and don't rush. If you can see any indications that she is falling back into her old habits then get out.

The good thing is you feel fairly strong and confident after NC...this gives you the advantage to stay strong and in control. Just be there for her if that's what she needs right now and if she chooses to do this with you 'by her side' as she states then maybe it's all going to be worth it in the end. Hope this helps you

[darkbloom]

I'm going to have to agree with mightycpa.

 

One month is not enough time to come to a realization and enact real change. I would be more impressed if she had this realization, put in the work to fix it, and then contacted you.

 

You're part of the problem so you can't be part of the solution. She is probably lonely and reaching out. She sounds genuine right now. How will she feel the next time you have a problem? She will probably run away again.

 

Past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior.

[thunder777]

something that hasnt been mentioned is since the break up where has she been

 

in other studies it is usually known that women (who fortunately for them) can reel in a horny man anytime they please, so after break ups they tend to dive under a "rebound" guy to distract themselves from their withdrawals of the break up

 

and it is known that rebounds never last

 

so in your case why after a month is she suddenly pouring out heart felt sincere emotion back towards you? my guess, rebound failed miserably and she is torn, broken and reaching for you cos you were her strength for so long

 

maybe this is not true, but id put money on it. And if it is the case, this is actually a victory for you

 

some men get dumped by women who go for the greener grass, all to find in time its no where near as good as what they really had in the first place. initially you were the one who got f##ked up by it, but now have a look who is f##ked up... she is.

 

she threw you out as garbage and possibly now is realizing it was a mistake, are you willing to allow yourself to be recycled, and sleep next to her again knowing some other idiot has had his bits all over her?????

Edited September 20, 2015 by thunder777

[Oregon_Dude]

today she sent me this text:

 

"I know I said I would not contact you but I have to say that I miss being at your side, having you by mine, and I really miss my friend! I know I shared with you that communication is hard for me when to speak up in relationships and I really failed you keeping you in the dark about how I was feeling. I guess I'm a lot worse at this than I thought.

 

I probably missed my chance with you to really have a deep relationship that I want because of me. I now know I was holding back which caused a separation between us within me. I don't know what it is to have someone that could actually work through things with... I never gave you a chance to show me we could work through something tough. Everything I do I think of you and wish you were here by my side."

Well, that's a hell of a text. It IS exactly what one would want to hear after being dumped. And it sounds like she is working on her communication and being forthright.

 

Yes, it's possible (likely) that she rebounded after you, only to have it crash and burn. Sometimes people DO need to go check out the color of that grass on the other side.

 

Have you texted her back yet? My feelings are as follows: love is rare. If you feel like the two of you had something really amazing, I would give her the chance to meet up with you over coffee and explain herself. If you can forgive her for leaving you, and are willing to experience the hurt of being dumped AGAIN (I agree with those who have said that if she can do it once, she can do it again), then I say to cautiously allow her a second chance.

 

You are lucky to have received such an admission of her mistake. Most of us on here will never get such an honest message. It really seems to me that she is genuinely feeling remorseful and stupid. She's not playing you.

 

At this point you have to decide if you want to compromise your "power", such as it is, by allowing her back into your life. If you do, I would go forward with initial skepticism. She would be on "probation".

 

My end feeling is that this is worth another go. But she has to prove herself to you. Any inkling of poor treatment from her end, you bail.

[Simon Phoenix]

If this had happened a few months down the road, I'd trust it more. After a month, I'm afraid it's a bit of fool's gold. I just don't trust that she had some sort of epiphany in the last month and that she's suddenly going to treat you better. My gut feeling is that she is lonely and the post-breakup life hasn't been as fruitful as she hoped and she's looking for support from a familiar source and that you'll fall back into the same relationship because not enough time and growth has happened. But ultimately it's your call.

[Ajax]

If this had happened a few months down the road, I'd trust it more. After a month, I'm afraid it's a bit of fool's gold. I just don't trust that she had some sort of epiphany in the last month and that she's suddenly going to treat you better. My gut feeling is that she is lonely and the post-breakup life hasn't been as fruitful as she hoped and she's looking for support from a familiar source and that you'll fall back into the same relationship because not enough time and growth has happened. But ultimately it's your call.

 

Yeah, Simon I think you probably hit the nail on the head here. I did in fact respond, and I'm glad I did. I'll probably catch some flak from the hard core take no prisoners NC'ers here, but this is what I said:

 

I’ve spent the day trying to figure out how to respond to your message. It’s hard to know what to say, especially since I’m not entirely sure what your intentions are. I was always happy being by your side, and of course I miss that too. My feelings certainly haven’t gone away over the past few weeks. But as difficult as it was, I respected and accepted your decision when you told me that you no longer felt the same way about me and that you didn’t think there was a way to work through that. If those things have changed, then nothing would make me happier than to talk to you about it.

 

But what I can’t do is be just your friend. I don’t want to be with someone who’s unsure of how they feel about me. And I won’t get caught up in an on again/off again cycle for both our sakes. I am glad that you sent me this letting me know how you’ve been feeling. Your feelings and thoughts always matter to me, and I wish you’d felt comfortable expressing them with me when we were together. I won’t tell you not to contact me again, but when and if you do, I hope you’ll have a good idea of what you want and that your heart and mind are both in the same place.

 

Aaaaand... this morning this is how she responded:

 

At this time I would wish to go back and do many things differently but I am not magical... I am confused about most aspects of my life and I wish I could start over from the beginning with you. At this moment it is clear I have a lot of work and clarity to do on myself. To drag you into that would not be fair.

 

Although all I want to do is talk through things with you, try again and have you by my side I fear my head and heart would make little sense at the moment And that is the last thing you want or deserve. You deserve a pure love without question

 

And while I haven't responded, my first reaction was "yuuuuuup!"

 

I actually am doing quite well for myself. Like I said, I'm no rookie at this and knew what I was risking by breaking NC. It hurt at the beginning but this hasn't been the heartwrenching, life shattering breakup that I've been through before. I know there's someone out there for me and now I'm closer to finding her.

 

I'd also add that this sort of thing is something I'd expect from someone in their twenties. She's 34. I'm 32, and have no intention of waiting around for her to figure her stuff out at this point.

Edited September 20, 2015 by Ajax

[ScienceGal]

Ajax,

 

That was a very good response on your part. You were caring, but clear and keeping your well-being a priority. Lots of us wish for our ex to come back, and there is nothing wrong with responding in the correct way. You did just that. Liar this point I would do the same with my ex, if he contacted me.

 

I'm sorry her response shows that she is not in a good place and will not be coming back to you at this time. I hope she doesn't keep reaching out (I wouldn't keep responding if she does.. but you know this )

 

take care.

[Oregon_Dude]

Dude, you are the Man. Very well-written response to her. You kind of called her bluff, and she admitted she didn't know what she wanted.

 

I guess, moving along, nothing to see here, after all.

 

Good job.

[ChicagoSparty]

Seems like if she really gave a crap, she would have called.

[Draper]

Sorry it didn't work out man

 

If nothing else, take comfort in the fact you'll make me even more wary of it if my ex ever comes back.

[Oregon_Dude]

Seems like if she really gave a crap, she would have called.

Lol, too funny and true. People texting their big emotions who still can't even be bothered to make an effing phone call.

 

Good point.

[LostOnes05]

Yea Ajax!! You're my hero for that response to her. It was as perfect a response to the situation. Im going through the same thing as you right now and having those same feelings of "well, whatever...I've been through worse".

 

Oregon Dude and ChicagoSparty are absolutely right. I don't know when texting replaced having an actual conversation with someone and being direct. If I wanted to read a wall of confusing and convoluted text, I'd read Edgar Allen Poe, Jane Eyre and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow all at the same time lol.

[Ajax]

Well I got another similar text from her over the weekend:

 

Hi Ajax, it's Ex. I know it's been a while, I hope you are doing well. I think about you every day. I was wondering if you would consider meeting with me to talk sometime? I have feelings to communicate that I have been sitting with and do not feel I can move ahead together or alone without communicating with you. Something I should have been doing all along

 

I have no intentions of outcomes aside from sitting with you and talking things through. I do not wish nor think that you would agree to meet with me for my sake. If you are moving on and do not wish to talk then please continue on your path and I wish you the best and I will try my best to start moving forward also. I understand if I have missed my chance to talk with you or if you have some choice words for me. I probably deserve that.

 

I hope you have a happy Halloween with your friends/family. Your niece's furry costume sure is cute!

 

Love, EX

 

So I sent a short reply agreeing to meet up and talk. I'll see her Wednesday. I'm interested in what she has to say. And while I do have some thoughts and feelings to express, I think I'm mentally and emotionally in a good place to do that right now without getting dragged down.

 

So I guess we'll see what happens.

[mightycpa]

I'll see her Wednesday.

Or will you? Something always seems to come up.

So I guess we'll see what happens.

Thinking further, it sounds like she's got a case of emotional diarrhea, and I think you're going to be the toilet. She's probably feeling an irresistable urge to justify her actions with what she's learned about herself. She didn't share what bothered her about you when it counted, and I think you're going to hear about all of it now, because those are the only things left unsaid at this point.

 

I wonder why you'd want to hear that, or anything she might have to say, given that she's not looking for any "outcomes" which I take to mean "changes to the status quo". The best case is that she's learned so much about herself by losing you. The worst is that you quarrel about what happened in the past and both of you feel bad in the end.

Edited November 2, 2015 by mightycpa

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with mightycpa. All you are doing is allowing her to dump all of her backed-up bs on you. Really not sure why you are agreeing to this.