Njackson Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Me and my husband love each other very much but we argue a lot. I know I'm far from perfect and I tend to say things I don't mean out of anger. That's what I'm trying to work on now. The last three arguments we had were his fault tho. It weren't big big things but things that bothered me so I refused to talk to him for a day or two just to clear my head and for him to see where we went wrong. I have to add that we don't live together cause I'm in college so I'm not around him when I ignore him . Even if I don't talk to him for a day at day two I give him the chance to talk to me and to apologize and I make up with him and we good. So that happened Sunday. We made up everything was good& now out of the blue he's saying he's fed up he always gotta chase me I always say hurtful things when I'm mad and he has to deal with sooo much bs from my side. Like I said the things I say out of anger shouldn't of been said and I told him I'm working on me but now he's saying he needs space and doesn't want to see me , he's calling me aggravating and he's basically saying he only apologized for the things in the past cause he didn't feel like arguing but he still don't see where he went wrong. I've tried to call him and talk about it but he's only mean saying leave me alone bla bla.and I know my husband I feel like he wants me to feel how he has felt when he messed up and I gave him the silent treatment. It's hard for me not to talk to him so what should I do ? Just leave him alone till he calmed down or try to talk to him ?
Got it Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Me and my husband love each other very much but we argue a lot. I know I'm far from perfect and I tend to say things I don't mean out of anger. That's what I'm trying to work on now. The last three arguments we had were his fault tho. It weren't big big things but things that bothered me so I refused to talk to him for a day or two just to clear my head and for him to see where we went wrong. I have to add that we don't live together cause I'm in college so I'm not around him when I ignore him . Even if I don't talk to him for a day at day two I give him the chance to talk to me and to apologize and I make up with him and we good. So that happened Sunday. We made up everything was good& now out of the blue he's saying he's fed up he always gotta chase me I always say hurtful things when I'm mad and he has to deal with sooo much bs from my side. Like I said the things I say out of anger shouldn't of been said and I told him I'm working on me but now he's saying he needs space and doesn't want to see me , he's calling me aggravating and he's basically saying he only apologized for the things in the past cause he didn't feel like arguing but he still don't see where he went wrong. I've tried to call him and talk about it but he's only mean saying leave me alone bla bla.and I know my husband I feel like he wants me to feel how he has felt when he messed up and I gave him the silent treatment. It's hard for me not to talk to him so what should I do ? Just leave him alone till he calmed down or try to talk to him ? So maybe you are seeing how your style of fighting isn't productive and unhealthy. Sorry but what you should do is follow what your husband is saying. And you have to stop immediately saying things out of anger. That is not healthy constructive fighting and you are creating a very unhealthy dynamic. Even if the fight is "his fault" you should be able to address your feelings in "I" statements without insulting him. There are many books on how to learn to fight healthy so I would suggest seeking them out as well as MC. This style of fighting will destroy a marriage. And if he wants space give him space. And apologize. When I get upset with my husband I try and first put it in perspective on how big of a deal it is, I like to ask myself "is this a hill I want to die on"? If it is a minor annoyance I will leave it. If not, I will will address it saying, when you do x, I feel like y. Can you please do x,y,z. We will also mirror back what the other person is saying so we can show they are being heard as well as making sure we are hearing them properly. Seek help via books or therapist. Fighting doesn't have to be about winning, it is about expressing one's hurt feelings and finding a compromise.
Author Njackson Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 That's the thing . I see where I went wrong and I already done apologized to him 5 x this week. I came over cooked for him I said sorry plenty of times and I meant it and I told him I wasn't gonna do that again but now I feel like instead of taking my apology he's using it to his advantage to make me feel bad with all this stuff he's doing now. He don't want no space he wants me to run after him like a damn dog. He just called me because I stopped running after him yesterday. I feel like it's a game to him and I'm tired of him. I wanted to start over forget the arguments he wants to play the chase me game .
Got it Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 That's the thing . I see where I went wrong and I already done apologized to him 5 x this week. I came over cooked for him I said sorry plenty of times and I meant it and I told him I wasn't gonna do that again but now I feel like instead of taking my apology he's using it to his advantage to make me feel bad with all this stuff he's doing now. He don't want no space he wants me to run after him like a damn dog. He just called me because I stopped running after him yesterday. I feel like it's a game to him and I'm tired of him. I wanted to start over forget the arguments he wants to play the chase me game . I think because this isn't the first time, but a long history of it, everyone hits a boiling point. If you feel like he is playing games then address it in regards to seeking productive ways to address these problems, tell him what you have sought out and what you want the both/you to do to move thing forward. So marriage counseling, reading specific books together, etc. Sorry but I am reading a lot of what you write as a test of wills. You want to win. That isn't/shouldn't be the desired outcome. And since you seemed to have played the "chase me" games with him, sorry but what is good for the goose . . . . Someone has to be the bigger person. You easily could be that person. It's your choice.
Gloria25 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 IMO, men are simple creatures...they don't require much. Give them respect, attention, and admiration and they'll be ok. IMO, seems like cuz of the type of "marriage" you two have, he is feeling neglected and yes, is acting like a child in hopes you chase him. I didn't marry and/or get into serious relationships (even now) cuz I put my education, career, etc. first. I thought and still think it would be unfair to try to date and enter into a RL when I "know" that I don't have time to dedicate to that person and a RL. I mean you two don't live together and you are busy with school and stuff. Some men/women can do that type of RL. I sure can. I don't have to see a SO every day and can still feel "connected" to him. But, obviously your husband needs more. And then responding to his desire to be "connected" as if it's a chore and/or a "favor" you're doing for him isn't gonna help. I mean, let's say you are busy with school and stuff. Make time to surprise and come and cook for him. See how you can surprise him at work and spend lunch or something with him. Find ways to make time for him w/o him having to "ask" you to make time for him. Maybe it's time to reconsider priorities here and what you two really want. If he can't handle living separately and/or "seeing you when he sees you" then time to move on...IMO. I mean, issues like this is why I have a lot of problems keeping a guy. I mean, I fear that I may not be able to provide a guy the time/attention he wants cuz I guess most people wanna hear/see their SO every day and I don't need that. I mean, I treat my guys well. I cook, sex, and etc for them...I just don't have to see them all the time and I fear most men want to see you every day and stuff.
Siquijor Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 IMO, men are simple creatures...they don't require much. Give them respect, attention, and admiration and they'll be ok. . You forgot the S word
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