Bo34 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Before anyone jumps the gun, I know that reconciliations are not highly probable in the aftermath of breakups. Having said that, I wanted to know when a dumper breaks up with you, why is it that IF they want to reconcile with you, why does it usually takes them a very long time to reestablish contact in hopes to try and reconcile? From my prior experience and my friends who have reconciled their relationship, this all has taken several months to occur. 3 months minimum to a year. Obviously, I know that there are countless examples where it can be less than that, but if you take a large sample size, it's usually many, many months down the road. My brother told me when his then ex, broke up with him, she claimed that after the honeymoon period which lasted about a month in a half had ended, she then started think of him and had feelings of regret/2nd doubt on a daily basis, but ultimately she didn't reach out to my brother until 6 months later. Why is this so? If a dumper truly has thoughts of regret in the back of their mind, why don't take act upon it initially? Why do they wait so long, and in doing so also hurt their odds of rekindling their former relationship with the dumpee?
casey.lives Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 because they don't want to rekindle their former relationship, they want to start a whole new one. Only a new relationship will increase the probabilities that it will fair better second time around. 1
NVO Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) because they don't want to rekindle their former relationship, they want to start a whole new one. Only a new relationship will increase the probabilities that it will fair better second time around. This. And I also think that the dumper might feel quite selfish because they know that the dumpee has also moved on and they don't want to hurt them again. The dumper breaks up with someone, starts dating again and experiencing single life. They meet new people and some start realizing that their previous relationship wasn't as bad as they thought. This takes several months, or sometimes even longer. Edited September 19, 2015 by NVO
StellaGrace Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) Well IF a dumper goes back (personally I have never gone back when I was the dumper), I have rarely heard stories of it taking 6 months (or more) unless the dumper was the guy. Your brother is the exception with his ex-dumper and I'd bet her reconciliation motivation was based on him being with another girl? That said, I have had guys come back to me long after I was over the pain of the break-up, and here is my theory (this is based solely on empirical evidence from male and female friends as well as my own.) When a relationship ends and the guy dumps, the woman goes through the pain immediately, every single day and moment, while the guy dumper goes out and experiences the fun and carefree life he figured he was missing in the drama and/or doldrums of the old relationship. A few months later, right around the time the woman is coming to peace with the break-up and finds the moments she thinks about the guy are fewer, his fun times are starting to feel repetitive and a bit empty. Then he starts to think something is missing. Time elapses. When guy finally hits pain and anguish threshold he reaches out, but by then it's usually too late. Girl is over it. Basically it's just different time lines in dealing with the pain of a break-up. (All this is null and void if girl has damaged relationship beyond repair or shown repetitive scary side.)* *Again disclaimer - I have no polls or studies to prove my POV - it's just my own experience. Edited September 19, 2015 by StellaGrace 1
Meli22 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 One of my exes came back 8 months later but I wasn't interested at this point. I think he had played the field and realised eventually what he had lost. He tried to get back with me for years after his first attempt (give him his due he was persistent). Even just a few months ago he tried to add me on Facebook, because I'm guessing he got wind that I'm single again. He tells mutual friends all of the time that letting me go was the biggest regret of his life. He has been in a relationship for a while too, still a rat then lol! But I think sometimes once the initial emotions settle down and they have time without you to figure themselves out, that's when they have that realisation. Sometimes it's too late but sometimes the timing is perfect to begin a whole new relationship and bury the past. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Something made the person leave. It may have taken time to fix that. Once the regret did (rarely) set in, their pride was on the line. They feared coming back & being rejected so they hesitated & waited some more. 1
drseuss Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I think that if two people reconile a week or a month after a break it's way too soon and that the longer two people are apart the more likely they will be able to have a strong long term rs on the future , only if both party's are willing tho The other side is that so much time can go by that one of the couple has moved on to the point they have absolutely no desire to reconile I think it boils down to timing and weather both parties are willing , because every rs and bu are differnece the time line are 1
Blanco Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Most reconciliations fail because people DON'T take enough time after to address and fix the issues that brought an end to the relationship in the first place. One or both people get antsy and don't want to experience the post-breakup abyss that includes hurt, loneliness, and a sense of loss, so they return to something comfortable: Each other. But usually, nothing has changed. A longer time before reconciliation doesn't ensure that anything has really changed, but I think the odds that true change and growth has occurred is way more likely in these instances. 1
Liono84 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I think that if two people reconile a week or a month after a break it's way too soon and that the longer two people are apart the more likely they will be able to have a strong long term rs on the future , only if both party's are willing tho The other side is that so much time can go by that one of the couple has moved on to the point they have absolutely no desire to reconile I think it boils down to timing and weather both parties are willing , because every rs and bu are differnece the time line are ^^ Ain't that the truth!! Quick reconciliations almost never work out in the end. I've been dumped a few times, and there really is no guarantee. No one has any statistic on the overall odds and every situation is uniquely different. There's just too many variables. Sometimes, you do hear from them months down the line and sometimes you never hear from them again, but what you said is so true; Usually, if they decide to try to contact you and reconcile (and that's a big if), it's at a time, where you, as the dumpee, have truly moved on. It's happened to me as well. Either I've moved on to another relationship, or my feelings have deteriorated so much, that I no longer have feelings for my dumper. I think it's also true when they say it takes a considerate amount of time. My own personal experience it's been manyyy months later, and yes, a dumper and a dumpee are on 2 very different timelines. This is a big stretch, but it's like what they say with comparing how fast/slow time travels when a person travels at a speed of light vs reality. For a dumpee, every week feels like a month. For a dumper, every month feels like a week, so to them it's still very recent.
Draper Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I think the important thing to remember is that you don't hold onto hope of reconciling. There's no way to tell if it will ever happen. If it does somewhere down the line, you cross that bridge when it comes and decide if it's still something you want. Right now, I'm focusing on getting past the emotionally charged state that you're in immediately after a breakup so that I can move on. If she ever reaches out with the hopes of reconciling, I want to be able to look at it with a clear state of mind and decide if it's something I truly want to put myself back into.
Author Bo34 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 One of my exes came back 8 months later but I wasn't interested at this point. I think he had played the field and realised eventually what he had lost. He tried to get back with me for years after his first attempt (give him his due he was persistent). Even just a few months ago he tried to add me on Facebook, because I'm guessing he got wind that I'm single again. He tells mutual friends all of the time that letting me go was the biggest regret of his life. He has been in a relationship for a while too, still a rat then lol! But I think sometimes once the initial emotions settle down and they have time without you to figure themselves out, that's when they have that realisation. Sometimes it's too late but sometimes the timing is perfect to begin a whole new relationship and bury the past. Hey Mile22; So is it complete B.S. when they claim that they still have feelings for you and they realize they won't find someone like you and that they're completely content with living with the fact they'll probably be single for a long time?? That's what my ex said when she dumped me. I don't know if girls really mean that when they say that, or if they mean it at the time, but later with the passing of time their feelings change and don't mean that.
Jaded15 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 There has to be an extended period of time for a dumper to realize they made a mistake and wish to be back with their ex. It can take many, many months to possibly even a year. A dumper thinking about their ex, missing their ex, or having 2nd doubts is entirely different from a dumper reaching out in an attempt to reconcile.e. The dumpee, whose in great pain during the immediate aftermath expects it to come very shortly and therein lies the problem. This is why a dumpee cannot put their life on hold and hope the dumper will contact them to reconcile because life moves on. Furthermore, there is the strong probability that the dumper has no intention of going back to their ex and also the probability of them finding another person during this time. If you take a look at all the variables involved, there has to be a lot of things to go the dumpees way for a reconciliation. And IF this does occur, there is still the probability that the dumpee will have moved on because either they have found somebody else or they have lost feeling towards the dumper after a long time has passed.
Meli22 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Hey Mile22; So is it complete B.S. when they claim that they still have feelings for you and they realize they won't find someone like you and that they're completely content with living with the fact they'll probably be single for a long time?? That's what my ex said when she dumped me. I don't know if girls really mean that when they say that, or if they mean it at the time, but later with the passing of time their feelings change and don't mean that. Hey Bo34. I think it totally depends on the reasons for the break up. She may mean what she says but could be afraid of commitment? I have no idea unless I know the details. My ex who came back broke up with me for no real reason, just that he wanted to be single (he basically wanted to f*** around).
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