ChicagoSparty Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 It just all depends on the motivations behind NC. Honestly, albeit painful, NC allows you to change your routine, break free of the obsessive thought pattern and move on with your life. Staying in contact with an ex that hurt you is like picking a scab. Sometimes you simply have to leave the wound alone long enough to form a scar. NC and time apart to heal is one thing, but not speaking with someone to punish them is another. Although my ex and I are not contacting each other at the moment, if she had questions for me or needed support, I'd hear her out and do what I could for her. I do hope there is a day when we've both healed enough to be civil; its just not that way right now. There's too much emotion and resentment involved for our relationship to be healthy at the moment. If you think that's weak, that's your right. We'll just have to agree to disagree. Some people think that not being able to move on and hanging onto toxic relationships is weak. You hit on what I think is the most significant element of a relationship ending: obsessive thought patterns. NC, as in 'by the books NC', doesn't teach you how to deal with obsessive thinking. It simply distracts you until you begin to run out of energy and willingness to think about your ex, the relationship, etc. But obsessive thoughts are generated in one's own mind, and as such, are controllable. Healthy coping and moving on from a relationship is based on realistically confronting reality and pain, and managing your thoughts. It's better to do that without putting blinders on and deluding and distracting yourself until you feel better. Breaking up sucks...no two ways around it. It just does. But it's also a learning experience. The biggest take-away for me, from break-ups and, more importantly, divorce, is that life goes on. Everything moves forward. And you'll live. Of course you're going to think about the other person, what went wrong, why, how, and so on. That's natural. But a person does actually have control of their thought processes, and can do so without hiding and drowning reality out. Any therapist will tell you that. Yes, do constructive things. Focus on yourself. Work out. Go do things. Eat healthy. Get sleep. And...remind yourself that you'll be OK. Because you will. No need for extreme games. As somebody posted here, you can not be in contact without going NC. It's healthy, mature and beneficial.
HereNorThere Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 You hit on what I think is the most significant element of a relationship ending: obsessive thought patterns. NC, as in 'by the books NC', doesn't teach you how to deal with obsessive thinking. It simply distracts you until you begin to run out of energy and willingness to think about your ex, the relationship, etc. But obsessive thoughts are generated in one's own mind, and as such, are controllable. Healthy coping and moving on from a relationship is based on realistically confronting reality and pain, and managing your thoughts. It's better to do that without putting blinders on and deluding and distracting yourself until you feel better. Breaking up sucks...no two ways around it. It just does. But it's also a learning experience. The biggest take-away for me, from break-ups and, more importantly, divorce, is that life goes on. Everything moves forward. And you'll live. Of course you're going to think about the other person, what went wrong, why, how, and so on. That's natural. But a person does actually have control of their thought processes, and can do so without hiding and drowning reality out. Any therapist will tell you that. Yes, do constructive things. Focus on yourself. Work out. Go do things. Eat healthy. Get sleep. And...remind yourself that you'll be OK. Because you will. No need for extreme games. As somebody posted here, you can not be in contact without going NC. It's healthy, mature and beneficial. While you may have control over intrusive thoughts, many people suffer from various anxiety or mood disorders that make it much harder to stop the rumination. I suffer from panic disorder as well as OCD and in times of extreme duress, it takes a little longer for me to shut them off. I agree that being mindful and developing healthy coping mechanisms is always the healthy choice, but I don't think you can put everyone in the same box when it comes to what they can and cannot control in their minds. No two people are exactly the same because the biological, sociological and psychological influences in our lives make us entirely unique.
Meli22 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I agree with you, to some extent. But I think there's a difference between GOING no contact, and just not having contact. I haven't HEARD from my ex, but I haven't "gone NC" intentionally, as in, blocking him on social media and deleting his number, etc. If he wanted to open up communication again, it's not like I wouldn't speak to him, I would. I actually have zero hard feelings in this situation. But since he was the one who initiated the break up, I don't necessarily feel the urge to reach out to him. I mean, I guess I could say, "I miss you," "I want you back," but A) I'm not sure I do want him back, B) I want to give him his space, C) I'm not sure it'd do much good anyway, and D) I made it abundantly clear that I did not want to break up with him, so he knows how I feel. I never really saw NC as a manipulative tactic. But I do think that for the dumpee, it's important to respect the boundary of the dumper. In our case, we didn't live together, or have very entwined lives, so there aren't logistical things to communicate about. I did leave a few things at his place I want back, but I don't need to get them back right away. I mean, maybe one day we can be friends, but not a week after breaking up. Right now, there's no reason to BE in contact, so why try and keep a connection going when there isn't one? If he had something to say, the lines of communication are open; I would never ignore him out of spite. You see what I'm saying? You've got your head screwed on. One week after a break up and you're in this mindset. You're definitely going to get through this 1
Meli22 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 I hope you are doing well Los Angelena! I looked up the weather there and it looks absolutely perfect (as usual.) I've always enjoyed your other posts and thought it was sweet when you were worried about your ex's housing situation. I actually spent the rest of that night researching all of the different areas you were discussing and comparing the rents to where I live now. It's perfectly natural to wonder what your ex's think and most of us tend to think the worst. Hopefully time will help heal some of your wounds and allow you to move forward. The world is your oyster and you live in an amazing city with amazing people. It's only a matter of time before you meet Mr. Right and have someone to share it with. Have a good, warm day in sunny California. Ugh, I'm jealous. I second the last part - England is starting to get really cold now
Meli22 Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 You hit on what I think is the most significant element of a relationship ending: obsessive thought patterns. NC, as in 'by the books NC', doesn't teach you how to deal with obsessive thinking. It simply distracts you until you begin to run out of energy and willingness to think about your ex, the relationship, etc. But obsessive thoughts are generated in one's own mind, and as such, are controllable. Healthy coping and moving on from a relationship is based on realistically confronting reality and pain, and managing your thoughts. It's better to do that without putting blinders on and deluding and distracting yourself until you feel better. Breaking up sucks...no two ways around it. It just does. But it's also a learning experience. The biggest take-away for me, from break-ups and, more importantly, divorce, is that life goes on. Everything moves forward. And you'll live. Of course you're going to think about the other person, what went wrong, why, how, and so on. That's natural. But a person does actually have control of their thought processes, and can do so without hiding and drowning reality out. Any therapist will tell you that. Yes, do constructive things. Focus on yourself. Work out. Go do things. Eat healthy. Get sleep. And...remind yourself that you'll be OK. Because you will. No need for extreme games. As somebody posted here, you can not be in contact without going NC. It's healthy, mature and beneficial. Again I'm with you on this one. I was worried that I was overthinking my break up but my therapist told me to not fight it and face it head on rather than distract and suppress. So I did and eventually I got tired of thinking what if this, what if that? I still wonder how it fell apart but it's not taking up my mind anymore. If I'd have distracted myself constantly at the beginning stages then I think it would have eventually caught up with me. 1
ChicagoSparty Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Again I'm with you on this one. I was worried that I was overthinking my break up but my therapist told me to not fight it and face it head on rather than distract and suppress. So I did and eventually I got tired of thinking what if this, what if that? I still wonder how it fell apart but it's not taking up my mind anymore. If I'd have distracted myself constantly at the beginning stages then I think it would have eventually caught up with me. That's great. It's always best to confront anything in life head-on. Provides us with quick resolutions. I've gone through a lot in my life. Great, terrible and everywhere in between. The thing that I've learned, and taught myself to do, is never get too high on the highs, or too low on the lows. No matter what happens in life, you'll get through it. Unless you are having major life-threatening health issues, or you're being chased down by a lion, you will probably be OK no matter what. Lose money? You'll be ok. Relationship went to crap? You'll be OK. Car got smashed up? You'll be OK. Mom died? You'll be OK. Peed your pants at a party? You'll be OK. If people remembered and reminded themselves of that one simple notion, their lives would probably go much more smoothly and happily. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 No matter what happens in life, you'll get through it. If you are having major life-threatening health issues, or you're being chased down by a lion, you will probably be OK no matter what. Lose money? You'll be ok. Relationship went to crap? You'll be OK. Car got smashed up? You'll be OK. Mom died? You'll be OK. Peed your pants at a party? You'll be OK. If people remembered and reminded themselves of that one simple notion, their lives would probably go much more smoothly and happily.Awesome, dude. This is gold. Thanks for the reminder. 1
ChicagoSparty Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 Awesome, dude. This is gold. Thanks for the reminder. I had to edit it to say 'Unless you have major health-threatening issues or are being chased down by a lion...'
Author losangelena Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 That's great. It's always best to confront anything in life head-on. Provides us with quick resolutions. I've gone through a lot in my life. Great, terrible and everywhere in between. The thing that I've learned, and taught myself to do, is never get too high on the highs, or too low on the lows. No matter what happens in life, you'll get through it. Unless you are having major life-threatening health issues, or you're being chased down by a lion, you will probably be OK no matter what. Lose money? You'll be ok. Relationship went to crap? You'll be OK. Car got smashed up? You'll be OK. Mom died? You'll be OK. Peed your pants at a party? You'll be OK. If people remembered and reminded themselves of that one simple notion, their lives would probably go much more smoothly and happily. Hrm ... this last one, I dunno!
HereNorThere Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 YOU AIN'T COOL UNLESS YOU PEE YOUR PANTS! 1
ScienceGal Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 You're right, our situations sound similar (at least from what you posted). Ex and I let things go rather than talk about them. I highlighted this problem at the end, but it was too little too late. He also gave no real reasons for the split. I don't have answers, but I am struggling with the same feelings as you. (hugs)
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