Do you think he misses me?

[losangelena]

I can't believe it was a week ago that I was getting dumped!

 

One of the worst thoughts to emerge this week was this notion that my BF is relieved now that I'm out of his life.

 

For context, we were somewhat codependent, but there wasn't anything anyone "did" to cause the break up. We had had our one-year dating anniversary the week before, and my BF said he felt like something was missing and that he was unhappy.

 

Of course, he didn't actually SAY why he was unhappy, even though I asked. He admits that he has a bad habit of letting things go that bother him and not saying anything. He went along to get along, and just eventually exploded. Even though he claimed to only have been feeling that way for a short time, thinking about it this week, I have wondered if it's true.

 

I've been sad this week, not crying AS much, but still sad. One of the things that makes me saddest though is thinking that my BF doesn't miss me, or doesn't regret his decision, or feels like I didn't fight hard enough to keep him, or is just glad to be rid of me because secretly he didn't really want to be in a relationship anyway. That's just devastating, because the relationship meant a lot to me, but feels now that maybe it was completely one-sided.

 

I know these are things that have no real answer. I'm just sad and it's late and my mind is wandering. I guess because he never said what he didn't like (or what he did like, for that matter), I'm left to assume that maybe he wasn't happy at all, and I hate thinking that he doesn't have any fond memories of me now, only the bad ones.

 

Is that even possible?

 

Does he miss me?

[Eighty_nine]

I can't believe it was a week ago that I was getting dumped!

 

One of the worst thoughts to emerge this week was this notion that my BF is relieved now that I'm out of his life.

 

For context, we were somewhat codependent, but there wasn't anything anyone "did" to cause the break up. We had had our one-year dating anniversary the week before, and my BF said he felt like something was missing and that he was unhappy.

 

Of course, he didn't actually SAY why he was unhappy, even though I asked. He admits that he has a bad habit of letting things go that bother him and not saying anything. He went along to get along, and just eventually exploded. Even though he claimed to only have been feeling that way for a short time, thinking about it this week, I have wondered if it's true.

 

I've been sad this week, not crying AS much, but still sad. One of the things that makes me saddest though is thinking that my BF doesn't miss me, or doesn't regret his decision, or feels like I didn't fight hard enough to keep him, or is just glad to be rid of me because secretly he didn't really want to be in a relationship anyway. That's just devastating, because the relationship meant a lot to me, but feels now that maybe it was completely one-sided.

 

I know these are things that have no real answer. I'm just sad and it's late and my mind is wandering. I guess because he never said what he didn't like (or what he did like, for that matter), I'm left to assume that maybe he wasn't happy at all, and I hate thinking that he doesn't have any fond memories of me now, only the bad ones.

 

Is that even possible?

 

Does he miss me?

 

I think the worst part of NC is exactly this. Thoughts that it didn't matter, that they forgot all about you, that it didn't leave a void in their life etc. I choose to believe these things, most of the time, are not true. I know my ex admitted months after NC that he had missed me... though he still didn't contact me until we ran into one another months later. We talked a little about it and based on his experience, I now know that he did mourn the loss of me in his way. But at the time I felt sure that I had been forgotten.

 

I guess I don't have much advice, other than I know this feeling so well. Hang in there.

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't know. I really don't. One can't help but wonder. And while I have been feeling strong the past few days, and I know that my ex isn't right for me because of her refusal to admit any wrongdoing in any situation... thoughts creep in and I miss her a lot sometimes. Like tonight. Wondering what and who she is doing. Wondering if she has any regrets.

 

But she has not EXPRESSED any regrets. Even though she pushed me away and was emotionally unavailable, even though she treated me like crap in the end - all she threw my way was some useless breadcrumbs that expressed nothing, no desire to reconcile, just a useless "I have been thinking about you."

 

That was a month ago. In the interim, I've wondered if I'd hear anything more. But I would bet you she hates me, for not chasing her.

 

Anyway, sorry to hijack, LA. I think the hardest thing to face - and the thing one MUST face - is the possibility that he/she DOESN'T miss you. That they are happier without you. Thing is, this doesn't reflect on you. This is just one person's opinion, their preference. And if someone doesn't miss you, doesn't it stand to reason that they're not right for you?

 

It IS possible that your r/s was one-sided. Mine certainly feels that way. What some people pretend to be love, is just the mirroring of your affection. But all it means is that is was the WRONG r/s.

 

Your ex was not capable of being the person you wanted him to be. Neither was mine. We have to let people go their own way, and try to be happy for them. Let this experience make you stronger, in knowing that you want more, deserve more, will not settle for anything less than someone being CRAZY about you, and understanding how f*cking VALUABLE you are.

 

When I find the right one - and I have found her in about four different women so far in my life - I NEVER let them go. I appreciate their body, mind, soul. We have to understand that in the case of our ex, they either didn't understand what they had, or didn't think we were it.

 

To come back to your question, you are ultimately better off accepting the 'worst case scenario' that he doesn't miss you. It is only human to wonder. If they miss you, if they feel they made a mistake, no amount of pride will stop them from letting you know that they were wrong. In their minds, they were not wrong.

 

When you can shrug off someone's rejection of you, while knowing your own inherent value, beauty and capability for love - truly knowing it - then their rejection really means nothing.

 

Easier said than done. There are so many good, deep people on LS. You are one of them. Don't let someone who didn't see it harden you or change you. I, for one, do not want to change. I am the man she loved, and the one before her, and the one before her. I will be the same man that the next woman loves.

 

Night.

 

OD

[losangelena]

Thanks to you both; your words really help to lift me out of my despair.

 

I am not quite at the point of being able to shrug off his rejection, but I am relieved to no longer be in a relationship that produced such a hum of low-level anxiety. I know that I have a lot of good qualities and a lot of offer to another person (I say that as un-pridefully as I can), and I don't think this experience will change that. It just sucks that he didn't want it.

 

You're right though, someone else will.

 

Thanks.

[Meli22]

Losangelena I have felt this way before, I think just about anyone has. But if he has any soul at all I'm sure he will be mourning the loss in some way. Please keep telling yourself that it's his loss; he lost someone who really loved and cared about him. He's got to carry that with him now and deal with any doubts and guilt. At least you know you're capable of loving someone so much and the right person will come along who will give that back to you. It's cliche. But very true

[casey.lives]

people never really tell you the reason they are breaking up. And i miss everyone i've ever met who shared and cared.

[drseuss]

He will miss you ,I saw my exs best freind 2 weeks after my bu and she said my ex missed me ,doesn't change anything tho I've never heard from her at all ....

 

Finding that out just set me back because it gave me false hope of reconsiliation

[Travelchick84]

Hun I've just recently realised that my relationship was a codependent one and I've done lots if research and the stuff I've been reading really opened my eyes! It's describes my ex perfectly and his actions.

I've come to see how it wasn't me at all but my part in it all was to push further to the point of needy instead of waking up and saying 'hang on I don't need this sh*t especially from you' and actually have that control and inner strength to walk away whilst I could before he could dump me by text. Men in codependent relationships have a fear of being alone yet they can't handle anyone getting too close and needy and I wish i was the strong woman he first met instead of relying on him for my happiness.

I feel much better now, I don't wonder if he misses me because I know he probably does in his own way after all we shared so much. What I'm trying to say is he may well miss you because you aren't there anymore and he can't rely on you to make himself feel good, he needs time to feel this and also see it too. We as women feel it straight away unlike some men and it takes them a little longer. I've also read that when they feel like we are independent and strong again and we have done the no contact and we have resisted even when drunk or out with friends, it's normally they get in touch because they can see we were good for them. But their issues still stand unless they admit they can see they have a problem.

It's this mentality that keeps me going, getting in tune with my feelings and thoughts and focusing on me prepares me for whatever lies ahead. And if and when my ex does get in touch, he will see what a strong person I have become and I've done that on my own for me!!!

Google codependent relationships and see if there is anything you can relate to or see if what you read resembles your relationship you had. It will give you such a clearer perspective on things and make you stronger inside. It's certainly helped me the last 3 days... I hope this helps. And one female to another I know how bloody sh*t it feels!! But just make yourself better for you so that you refuse this to happen to you again in the future. Good luck

[edgygirl]

They do miss us... but usually the person who breaks up has been breaking up in their minds for weeks or months before the actual fact and therefore go through a few of the grief stages already. That's why they seem so calm, in peace and collected about it. Ugh

 

It's amazing how most of us miss the signs or ignore them. Looking back they were all there in our face.

 

Was this the Indian guy? I've seen it more than once that Indians break up under pressure from their family to marry within their culture.

 

Hope you have strength girl. From your previous posts you seemed to be happy with him and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[thekarmacist]

yes, sweetheart. hang in there.

[Maggie4]

It sounds like this is a person who is unable to communicate, unable to give you feedback. That pretty much dooms the relationship from the start. He will always have that problem, unfortunately :-( I think in hindsight you know he is not right for you, because how can you have a LTR without being able to communicate?

As for whether or not the ex misses you, when I had to think of that, I just think of it as having finished a thesis or exam. Whatever work I put in the past year, it's there. If I did well, it will stand on its own. And if it left no good or lasting impression, well hey, I tried. As long as you were sincere, and you put in your effort, you have no regrets.

[cookiejar]

I know all too well what you're feeling. My ex told me he was not happy and unable to give me what I wanted in a relationship. I was kind of blind sided by it and I'm left with the same thoughts as you ..

 

Does he miss me? Does this tear him up like it's tearing me up? Is he dating again? Has he replaced me? Will I leave a lasting impression on him like he did me?

 

Either way, you can't worry about any of these things. He may miss you but even then it doesn't mean he is going to let you or anyone in his life know it. My friends know I miss him but I have not told him or gave any inkling that I do and I never will. I don't ever want him to think he has that type of control over me if he decided he wanted to use it against me. I tend to tell myself he has moved on and I should be doing the same. While he has no hard feelings for me I have none towards him either. When he left me, I lost the right to know any of those things. It's hard to accept but it gets easier everyday, you just can't dwell on it.

[losangelena]

Hey thanks everyone. You're all so encouraging and so right.

 

I've been so busy working this weekend that I haven't really had time to think about it. It's the quiet moments, like first thing in the morning, that are hard.

 

Today I was thinking about how distant it all feels already. My ex feels like a ghost, and the relationship like a dream. It's like, did that really happen? What have I been doing for a year? These routines and places that had gotten to be so familiar, now it feels as if they had never even happened. It's so strange.

 

Can anyone relate to that?

[Blanco]

It's natural to wonder if they miss you. I'm sure that regardless of whether or not he wants to be with you, he's missing elements of the relationship.

 

The only thing that really helped me during NC was asking what my worst-case scenario was and accepting that as reality, even if it never comes to pass. In this case, it's that she's over-the-top happy with the current guy, having found the man she's been designed to be with all along and they'll defy the odds of their situation by falling in love and eventually marrying.

 

Once I accepted all of this as an inevitability, it was like a weight came off my shoulders and this all seemed more manageable to me. It also helps that this is the longest there's been no communication from her (a little over a month) since this started, so she's finally starting to seem less like a real entity to me, and more like an abstract memory.

[losangelena]

God, you know it's the littlest things.

 

One his friends finally reached out to ask if we broke up—I guess news is going around. :-/

 

It was a brief message, just asking if we'd broken up, then an "I'm sorry," and "stay in touch."

 

It's weird, I guess. When you lose a relationship, you really lose the entire life you built with that other person. I grew to like his friends, and chances are I'm not going to get to see them at all, or very often. And that's just another sad aspect I was not anticipating!

 

Also, I guess that means he's alive and people are finding out, which means he's probably out and about ...

 

Oh god, I need to go to bed before this gets out of control.

[HereNorThere]

I would miss you

 

I'm in the nearly the exact same situation as your ex. I broke up with a really nice girl who totally didn't deserve it. Truth is, maybe there's something wrong me, but I simply could not do it anymore. No one major reason, but it was creating a dissonance in myself and making me resentful and grumpy. I knew it was only a matter of time before I started treating her poorly so I ended it.

 

The guilt is so unbearable and I totally miss her. That doesn't mean I think it's the wrong decision, but I definitely question myself. It's been a few months and I still think it about it daily.

 

I often wonder if she thinks I'm out living it up and dating all the different people, that I didn't care for her and all sorts of other things. She has a tendency to always assume the worst. She would be wrong though. I expected some sort of relief and thought I'd be happy with my freedom, but it's simply not that easy. Not only am I dealing with a loss, I'm also dealing with all this guilt and second guessing myself.

 

No one was left unscathed, but I still think was for the best. Our timing was just off and we wanted different things. We also had some conflicts in our personality types that would have eventually been our downfall.

 

Buy yeah, she's never far from my mind. I'm sure your ex thinks of you a lot more than you realize.

 

Sorry about your break up.

[losangelena]

Thanks for this. I think you're right.

 

It does sound very similar to my situation. He did say that he has done that—blown up at/treated badly, family members in the past, and he didn't want to do that to me. He makes it sound like he's the Incredible Hulk or something ... you won't like me when I'm angry, kinda thing.

 

Anyway. It was just so jarring to hear from someone on that side. More ghosts.

[Meli22]

I would miss you

 

I'm in the nearly the exact same situation as your ex. I broke up with a really nice girl who totally didn't deserve it. Truth is, maybe there's something wrong me, but I simply could not do it anymore. No one major reason, but it was creating a dissonance in myself and making me resentful and grumpy. I knew it was only a matter of time before I started treating her poorly so I ended it.

 

The guilt is so unbearable and I totally miss her. That doesn't mean I think it's the wrong decision, but I definitely question myself. It's been a few months and I still think it about it daily.

 

I often wonder if she thinks I'm out living it up and dating all the different people, that I didn't care for her and all sorts of other things. She has a tendency to always assume the worst. She would be wrong though. I expected some sort of relief and thought I'd be happy with my freedom, but it's simply not that easy. Not only am I dealing with a loss, I'm also dealing with all this guilt and second guessing myself.

 

No one was left unscathed, but I still think was for the best. Our timing was just off and we wanted different things. We also had some conflicts in our personality types that would have eventually been our downfall.

 

Buy yeah, she's never far from my mind. I'm sure your ex thinks of you a lot more than you realize.

 

Sorry about your break up.

 

Wow! Are you my ex lol?! This is exactly what happened to me. Except it was me who ended it because unfortunately with him it did get to the point where he started treating me poorly. That was one of the worst times of my life! And like you, he couldn't pin point it at all. That's one of the hardest things because it's almost like.. You're throwing away a really good thing, something you once cherished, and you can't even give a reason. It really made me second guess myself and feel not good enough, for a long time. Even now I have moments of self doubt and feeling low. Sorry.. It's not to make you feel worse! Just explaining how it is from the other side

[HereNorThere]

It's not like I've never been on the other side of the fence because I have. I'm 33, so you'd be hard pressed to find a dating situation that hasn't happened to me. I've been dumped, cheated on, you name it, so I totally understand.

 

In my current situation, if I had to be honest without giving away too many details (I know she's watched me post here before so I'm trying to be discreet) it really came down to personality type conflicts. We are just night and day when it comes to certain traits. We tried our hardest to work through them, but one person always felt like they were getting the short end of the stick. It was obviously wearing on us both and whether I ended or let it die a slow, painful, death, it just wasn't going to stand the test of time. I wish I could elaborate more to give you a clearer picture, but for her privacy I'll just leave it at that. (Might be willing to share more privately if it would help)

 

You really have to date someone for a while to understand their personality. It's not something you can pick up on in a month or two. That's why we date in the first place. I tried being friends afterwards, but emotions were still running pretty high and it became apparent we were both making things even worse by that point. Still, I definitely miss and think about her often.

 

Have you ever had to break up with a good person because it simply wasn't working? Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds. I've been dumped rather harshly before in the past and it was easier to get over than this. The guilt just keeps tearing me apart. I hate knowing I hurt another person, but it's just something I have to live with. I'm just so turned off from dating right now and feel a bit tainted.

 

I hate thinking about this in the morning. I need more coffee and cat pictures.

[Meli22]

It's not like I've never been on the other side of the fence because I have. I'm 33, so you'd be hard pressed to find a dating situation that hasn't happened to me. I've been dumped, cheated on, you name it, so I totally understand.

 

In my current situation, if I had to be honest without giving away too many details (I know she's watched me post here before so I'm trying to be discreet) it really came down to personality type conflicts. We are just night and day when it comes to certain traits. We tried our hardest to work through them, but one person always felt like they were getting the short end of the stick. It was obviously wearing on us both and whether I ended or let it die a slow, painful, death, it just wasn't going to stand the test of time. I wish I could elaborate more to give you a clearer picture, but for her privacy I'll just leave it at that. (Might be willing to share more privately if it would help)

 

You really have to date someone for a while to understand their personality. It's not something you can pick up on in a month or two. That's why we date in the first place. I tried being friends afterwards, but emotions were still running pretty high and it became apparent we were both making things even worse by that point. Still, I definitely miss and think about her often.

 

Have you ever had to break up with a good person because it simply wasn't working? Trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds. I've been dumped rather harshly before in the past and it was easier to get over than this. The guilt just keeps tearing me apart. I hate knowing I hurt another person, but it's just something I have to live with. I'm just so turned off from dating right now and feel a bit tainted.

 

I hate thinking about this in the morning. I need more coffee and cat pictures.

 

Did she not know the reasons why you left her? That's sort of where I'm at. He was really unhappy towards the end but wouldn't tell me why. Just kept saying this wasn't good enough for him. We did have some issues, mainly his insecurities that caused so many problems for us. He never fully trusted me and would accuse me of all kinds. I'm ok now but it's been hard not having any explanations and constantly wondering what made him feel like something was missing.

[ChicagoSparty]

I think the worst part of NC is exactly this. Thoughts that it didn't matter, that they forgot all about you, that it didn't leave a void in their life etc. I choose to believe these things, most of the time, are not true. I know my ex admitted months after NC that he had missed me... though he still didn't contact me until we ran into one another months later. We talked a little about it and based on his experience, I now know that he did mourn the loss of me in his way. But at the time I felt sure that I had been forgotten.

 

I guess I don't have much advice, other than I know this feeling so well. Hang in there.

 

I've always thought NC was just a weak way to move away from a relationship. It's really just a mind-f*ck. People need to learn how to maturely move away from a relationship that ends, because it's much more healthy long-term to have a strategy that's more grown up than taking your ball and going home.

 

And before anybody jumps on me, consider this one tiny fact: I am divorced with young kids. My XW and I were together for 14 years. There was no option of NC. We have young kids. Sure, it was a little sloppy at first, but we each had to learn to deal with each other while moving apart emotionally. I took....ahem....work. That's true. There was no hiding under blankets. We had to face each other constantly.

 

Sure, we limited contact. But that was just a practicality issue. We were moving on. Didn't have time to spend all day jibber-jabbering. And we both moved on and can still be around each other with no drama. It's called 'being adults'.

 

Look, if you were dating somebody for a month, sure...go NC and just move on. But when people live together, plan a future together, etc...it's far better to learn to communicate feelings, accept reality, and move on with life the right way without playing games. It's a skill, and pays far more dividends than running away and hiding from problems. Face the world, face reality. It's not that bad.

 

Sorry for the hijack...I just think NC is weak, unhealthy and crippling.

[Meli22]

I've always thought NC was just a weak way to move away from a relationship. It's really just a mind-f*ck. People need to learn how to maturely move away from a relationship that ends, because it's much more healthy long-term to have a strategy that's more grown up than taking your ball and going home.

 

And before anybody jumps on me, consider this one tiny fact: I am divorced with young kids. My XW and I were together for 14 years. There was no option of NC. We have young kids. Sure, it was a little sloppy at first, but we each had to learn to deal with each other while moving apart emotionally. I took....ahem....work. That's true. There was no hiding under blankets. We had to face each other constantly.

 

Sure, we limited contact. But that was just a practicality issue. We were moving on. Didn't have time to spend all day jibber-jabbering. And we both moved on and can still be around each other with no drama. It's called 'being adults'.

 

Look, if you were dating somebody for a month, sure...go NC and just move on. But when people live together, plan a future together, etc...it's far better to learn to communicate feelings, accept reality, and move on with life the right way without playing games. It's a skill, and pays far more dividends than running away and hiding from problems. Face the world, face reality. It's not that bad.

 

Sorry for the hijack...I just think NC is weak, unhealthy and crippling.

 

I actually agree with this. To an extent anyway. I went nc straight away with my most recent break up and, whilst it helped my emotions settle, I still had so many things I wanted to say because the break up was abrupt and we hadn't openly spoke properly about the situation. Although it was mostly him refusing to talk about it, the communication on both parts was bad. I've had break ups from long term relationships in the past where we didn't go complete nc and I was able to move on from it pretty easily. I think sometimes complete nc leaves us with questions and feeling like we're not able to talk. Again, closure is a concept that most people don't believe in but it can actually help others.

[HereNorThere]

It just all depends on the motivations behind NC. Honestly, albeit painful, NC allows you to change your routine, break free of the obsessive thought pattern and move on with your life. Staying in contact with an ex that hurt you is like picking a scab. Sometimes you simply have to leave the wound alone long enough to form a scar.

 

NC and time apart to heal is one thing, but not speaking with someone to punish them is another. Although my ex and I are not contacting each other at the moment, if she had questions for me or needed support, I'd hear her out and do what I could for her. I do hope there is a day when we've both healed enough to be civil; its just not that way right now. There's too much emotion and resentment involved for our relationship to be healthy at the moment.

 

If you think that's weak, that's your right. We'll just have to agree to disagree. Some people think that not being able to move on and hanging onto toxic relationships is weak.

[losangelena]

Look, if you were dating somebody for a month, sure...go NC and just move on. But when people live together, plan a future together, etc...it's far better to learn to communicate feelings, accept reality, and move on with life the right way without playing games. It's a skill, and pays far more dividends than running away and hiding from problems. Face the world, face reality. It's not that bad.

 

Sorry for the hijack...I just think NC is weak, unhealthy and crippling.

 

I agree with you, to some extent.

 

But I think there's a difference between GOING no contact, and just not having contact.

 

I haven't HEARD from my ex, but I haven't "gone NC" intentionally, as in, blocking him on social media and deleting his number, etc. If he wanted to open up communication again, it's not like I wouldn't speak to him, I would. I actually have zero hard feelings in this situation.

 

But since he was the one who initiated the break up, I don't necessarily feel the urge to reach out to him. I mean, I guess I could say, "I miss you," "I want you back," but A) I'm not sure I do want him back, B) I want to give him his space, C) I'm not sure it'd do much good anyway, and D) I made it abundantly clear that I did not want to break up with him, so he knows how I feel.

 

I never really saw NC as a manipulative tactic. But I do think that for the dumpee, it's important to respect the boundary of the dumper. In our case, we didn't live together, or have very entwined lives, so there aren't logistical things to communicate about. I did leave a few things at his place I want back, but I don't need to get them back right away. I mean, maybe one day we can be friends, but not a week after breaking up. Right now, there's no reason to BE in contact, so why try and keep a connection going when there isn't one? If he had something to say, the lines of communication are open; I would never ignore him out of spite.

 

You see what I'm saying?

[HereNorThere]

I hope you are doing well Los Angelena! I looked up the weather there and it looks absolutely perfect (as usual.)

 

I've always enjoyed your other posts and thought it was sweet when you were worried about your ex's housing situation. I actually spent the rest of that night researching all of the different areas you were discussing and comparing the rents to where I live now.

 

It's perfectly natural to wonder what your ex's think and most of us tend to think the worst. Hopefully time will help heal some of your wounds and allow you to move forward. The world is your oyster and you live in an amazing city with amazing people. It's only a matter of time before you meet Mr. Right and have someone to share it with.

 

Have a good, warm day in sunny California. Ugh, I'm jealous.