SGR23 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I'm sure I’m opening myself up to some harsh criticism in sharing, which is fine. I am not looking for any pity. I’m living with the consequences of my actions. Just going through some deep regret and second guessing as the dumper after having thought breaking up was the only way and that I'd never change my mind, and just missing a final opportunity to reconcile in the end. My apologies for the excessive length, but I needed to vent. I met someone two years ago at this time. We had the STD talk and got tested a couple of weeks after meeting. She was shocked to learn that her test came back positive for HSV-2 (genital herpes). This had been a deal breaker for me in the past as I already have one chronic, symptomatic health issue with my Crohn’s Disease, which I’ve had for 23 years. Surgery, hospitalizations, weight fluctuation, daily meds, flare ups, anemia, colonoscopies, endoscopies, limited diet, popping pain meds just to sleep because of the pain at times, etc. I’m not as sick as some are, but have still dealt with a lot over the years. It could change and become worse in years to come, however. You never know if dating someone will last days, weeks, months or years, so never felt that putting myself at even a slight risk was worth it, as I’d always have a reminder of that person for life and would have to tell future partners. I didn’t need something else to manage/treat. From an acceptance standpoint, genital herpes is a big deal for some, and not for others, and I’ve seen a lot of people online shame others for not dating someone with it. Some refer to it simply as a nuisance skin condition, saying that it’s not HIV and you won't die. Others, understandably, just don't want to deal with it if it can be avoided. From a clinical view, symptoms could be none, to mild, to severe, with unknown regularity of outbreaks. It's simply different for everyone. Having known her for a month by this time, I felt something different about her, so took a chance. She was a breath of fresh air, but I found myself having anxiety/paranoia about contracting even with condoms and Valtrex (approx 2% chance/year). I just couldn't feel comfortable and relaxed as I had with my HSV negative partners in the past. She’s asymptomatic, but the virus can still be transmitted from skin to skin contact in the boxer shorts area through viral shedding with no visible outbreak, and there’s no guarantee I’d be asymptomatic as well. I ended things after three months as a result, and she understood. She wanted to remain friends. We stayed in regular contact for months. I found myself falling for her in those exchanges. I asked if she’d like to try again. I told her I thought as we became closer and the relationship grew, I would care less and accept the possibility that I’d contract it (approx. 6% chance/year on Valtrex/no condoms). Everybody ditches the condoms at some point. She jumped at the opportunity. Over the next 9 months, she became the best thing that ever happened to me, and me to her. We said we'd never been in better relationships with anyone before (FYI- I’m 40, she’s 38). Unfortunately, my concerns crept back in, affecting and limiting our sex life over time, as in non-regular sex. She was understanding and good about it, but over time started to feel not good enough and was developing insecurities. I hated that I was making her feel that way, despite my best efforts. She started to tell me that I didn’t love her enough to make the physical sacrifice to be with her, even though I knew I'd never loved anyone more. Some will argue that if I truly loved her unconditionally and she was really "it" for me that I would have accepted everything. I'd just been through so much already, and in the future, with my health, that it was difficult to just volunteer for something else. I couldn't jump and it was killing us. I felt like I was hurting her despite how great the rest of the relationship was, and possibly starting to waste her time after knowing each other/dating for a year and a half. I made the difficult decision to end things in mid-January. It pains me now, even typing this, to think of what I put her through. I felt it was the right decision since I couldn’t come to full acceptance in that time. I had more than enough time and opportunity on my end and knew when she started to talk about our future/living together, that our otherwise solid relationship would soon become glaringly unhealthy with the lack of regular sex/complete intimacy. I didn’t think we could move forward with such a big, unresolved issue, and thought we’d only end up in a slow death in the near future as a result. I dumped someone I didn’t want to dump, that didn’t do anything wrong, over something they couldn’t change, that I couldn’t reconcile and accept. Again, she asked to stay in contact. I knew better than to say yes, but she asked me not to disappear from her life. She would contact me regularly over the next six months. She’d throw out I love you/miss you/want you back/are you sure about your decision? comments sprinkled in the conversations. I still loved and missed her, but couldn’t reciprocate, knowing it would blur the line and delay her healing and we already tried twice. She started online dating sometime in early July and would complain to me about how bad they all were. She told me how much she wished we could work it out. I was still not dating, as I was still processing the end of the relationship myself and had recently been laid off. In mid-July, wrongly thinking I was dating, she was upset at the prospect of losing me to someone else. That she wanted me to love her, instead of me loving someone else. She cried to me that she didn’t want me to move on, didn't want me to be happy with anyone else and she missed me. I assured her I still wasn't close to dating. I did some big picture reassessing/soul searching over the next two weeks. I decided she was the person I wanted in my life, hopefully for life, no matter the consequence. I could do it and I would this time. I never wanted to lose her in the first place, and now I wanted to go get her. I didn’t want another day without her. I didn’t think she’d just come running, even though she still wanted me back, and we’d have to talk things out. There would not be another hang up due to the herpes though. I would just deal with whatever happened as it was the cost of being with the person I love. I reached out to her to feel things out and told her I missed her. She threw out that we should meet to discuss things and wondered if she could ever feel secure with me again. We ran out of time as she had to go to yoga class, but said she’d be in touch the next day. Uncharacteristically, I didn’t hear back from her for 5 days. I figured she was thinking things through, so I waited. When I finally heard from her, I told her I made a giant mistake. Apologized for what I put her through. Owned everything. Told her I was truly, fully accepting. She informed me she had clicked with an acquaintance, whom she’d hung out with a couple of times as friends recently, the day after we spoke. That she couldn’t feel secure with me again, so had to say no, and that it wasn’t about the guy. Said she hoped she wasn’t the one now making a mistake and didn’t know what the future held for her with the new guy or with me. She informed me that this was not "payback." She went from not wanting to lose me and wanting me to love her, to saying no thanks in three weeks. I see where she'd be afraid to be hurt by me again and I’m sure it felt good to have someone new interested that restored her confidence after what she had been feeling. I also understand that some people don't get a second chance, let alone a third, but it had been available until this point. But, I was shocked at the complete and total change. I gave it a handful of days and called to tell her, without begging, how I would work to regain her trust and restore her confidence in the relationship and that there would not be another break up. That she would never need to question anything again and we could then start the life we started to talk about before. Reiterated my feelings on things from the prior conversation. I asked her to take some time to think about all I said. She said she believed everything I said, but didn't need any time to think because she was no longer in love with me. She was then kind enough to post a picture of her and the guy on Instagram after we spoke. We are now fully disconnected on social media. I gave it two more weeks and asked her to meet with me to talk. She said she had not changed her mind and would not meet because she was now “involved” with the new person and wouldn’t appreciate if he met with his ex to discuss getting back together. He had accepted her in two weeks, compared to my two years. Again, herpes is not a big deal to some people. I'm assuming she told him. She is a very honest person, so I am going on that. That was two weeks ago. It was my third and final attempt. I won't be contacting her again. I truly thought I was doing the right thing when I ended it, thinking I’d never be ok with the herpes, but in hindsight perhaps should have asked for some time apart. I just felt I had enough time in the relationship by that point where I should have known either way, and went with my gut. It was a personal health issue vs love, and I could never manage to blend the two in that particular situation. If she had cancer, MS or some other non-transmissible condition, I wouldn't have thought twice about being with her in the first place with my Crohn's. I knew she wouldn’t be easy to find again, or that there was “better” out there, so I didn’t just hastily throw the relationship away. I’d just never been so conflicted or torn over anything before, and she was starting to be heavily affected. I just missed a final opportunity I never thought I'd ask for, her feelings changed up and now she’s really gone. In the end, I got what I put in motion months ago with some really ironic, horrible timing in trying to undo it. Thanks for listening.
TerraIncognita Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 It's an unfortunate story. A lot of people have this misguided fear of herpes, especially in the US. Not to say the virus is nothing, but it sure isn't nearly as big of a deal as people make it out to be. I am sorry you are hurting and full of regrets. Let go as much as you can. I doubt she will be coming back.
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