jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I'm 28 and I've been with my girlfriend (25) for over a year and things have gone really awesome. We've gotten along great and I'm pretty sure we'd both agree there is a future together for us. However, whenever I go chunks of time without seeing her, I feel like there's a void in my life and I'm not really sure if that's a normal feeling or not. I don't think it really even has anything to do with our relationship, just more or less me. I have my after-work hobbies like working out, playing video games, etc., I have family nearby that I visit and I have work friends to mingle with for happy hour sometimes, but even if I'm keeping busy, I think of her and if I don't see her every few days, I just feel lonely. Admittedly, I probably could use some more friends (as many of my current ones are having less and less time with work/wives/families), but I don't think that is the root of the way I feel because I do manage to occupy myself pretty well. Does this mean I'm ready to take the relationship to the next stage (i.e. moving in)? Does it mean I'm needy? Hell, does it mean I'm crazy? And it's not really a constant feeling. It sort of comes and goes. Some days I'll be fine, but other days the loneliness just really sets in.
madjac74 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Sounds like a good thing to me. Tell her what you said here and you will probably melt her heart....or she will go running for the hills! haha jk jk! Is it a case where you like to do your own thing but still like to have them around? Some people think if you are together then you should be doing something together.
Author jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Sounds like a good thing to me. Tell her what you said here and you will probably melt her heart....or she will go running for the hills! haha jk jk! Is it a case where you like to do your own thing but still like to have them around? Some people think if you are together then you should be doing something together. Eh, maybe. I mean, I don't always have to be doing things with her, but on most days when I don't see her (even if it's just crawling into bed next to her) I feel a bit of a void.
lchf Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It is normal, but in my opinion not ideal. Ideally you want to be able to generate a postitive vibe even when you SO isn't around. If it just comes and goes every now and then, then it doesn't sound like a serious issue. But I found out how dependent I was on my current girlfriend when I went abroad for a few months. It hurt like hell to be away from her but it was more a reflection on myself than anything else. So I immersed myself heavily in my passions, worked my ass off, improved my social skills, and now I feel like I bring life to my relationship rather than leaching it off of her, and we are stronger because of it. Best of luck to you. 3
J21 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 A lot of my friends that are in serious relationship would be envious of you. They sometimes feel trapped with their SO's and would love to have their me time. I am in a LDR, so I can sort of relate to your sentiments. How often do you see each other?
mrldii Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It reads as a perfectly normal and healthy 'next step' in the progression in normal, healthy, well-adjusted adult relationships...when you realize you won't *just dieeeeee* without the other around, but things seem a little brighter/happier/fun/whatever when they are. Part of bonding, establishing a connection, and maintaining a relationship is the *habit* of that day-to-day living and moment-to-moment exchange of energy...even if you're both not necessarily saying or doing a danged thing with one another; i.e., those comfortable silences. Go for it, OP....and enjoy the next step in your perfectly normal adult relationship!!! 1
Author jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 How often do you see each other? It's hard to say. It's kind of inconsistent right now. During the work week for the past two weeks, we haven't spent any nights together. However, we spent Friday night to Monday night together over Labor Day weekend and were together from Friday night to Sunday afternoon last weekend. Her job is really demanding right now and her firm is understaffed. I didn't see her at all this week because Monday through Wednesday she was at work until close to midnight each night and, last night, left to go out of town on a charity walk this weekend. I would like there to be more consistency and would like to see her more during the week (as we live a few miles apart), but that's not the issue I don't think. Especially seeing as she has pretty much devoted weekends to time with me lately. She acknowledges that she misses me too when we go long stretches (like a week) and that she knows this has been a rough stretch with her working so much and I'm accepting of that.
warshaw Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It does sound quite codependent That's not really codependent. Google the expression. It's more like "dependent" and I don't think it's a good thing. People in relationships need to maintain their independence to some degree, and if you're feeling a void, you aren't doing that. Missing them, thinking about them, that's another story, that's ok. Again, to a degree. 1
Author jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 That's not really codependent. Google the expression. It's more like "dependent" and I don't think it's a good thing. People in relationships need to maintain their independence to some degree, and if you're feeling a void, you aren't doing that. Missing them, thinking about them, that's another story, that's ok. Again, to a degree. I feel like it's more of this and I guess that's what I consider/mean by a void. As I said, even when I'm busy doing other things, the thought of her is there a lot of the time.
Maharishi Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 That's not really codependent. Google the expression. It's more like "dependent" and I don't think it's a good thing. People in relationships need to maintain their independence to some degree, and if you're feeling a void, you aren't doing that. Missing them, thinking about them, that's another story, that's ok. Again, to a degree. I've read several books on codependency so I've no need to Google the expression....
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Eh, maybe. I mean, I don't always have to be doing things with her, but on most days when I don't see her (even if it's just crawling into bed next to her) I feel a bit of a void. Ok, before we all get too critical, analytical and divide into yesses and nos... Does she feel the same way? That's an important factor, IMO.... 1
Grumpybutfun Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Hi OP, as a man who has been married for 21 years, let me reassure you this is absolutely normal. You are NOT dependent, or codependent or crazy in any way. You are in love and want to share your life with your favorite person in whatever way feels comfortable to both of you right now. My wife and I, as many LS posters already know, have many friends, hobbies and outside interests and we both feel a void when apart. You miss her, miss being with her, simple as that. My marriage is the best thing in my life and there is no one I hold in higher regard than my wife so feeling a void when she isn't around, no matter how busy work, friends, family or hobbies makes me, seems pretty normal. I get it, Grumps 7
Author jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Ok, before we all get too critical, analytical and divide into yesses and nos... Does she feel the same way? That's an important factor, IMO.... I'm not sure. I haven't really asked. I do know that given her stress right now, she does sometimes like to have some time to herself, as well and, for awhile, I was not understanding of that. So if she works until 9, for example, she might just want to go home and crash on her own, whereas I would gladly still shoot over and hop into bed with her. However, after hearing her situation and understanding it, I now "get it" and am accepting of it. If things died down at work and she was still that way, then maybe I would start to think about things, but right now it's not an issue. What I do know, though, is that when we go long gaps between seeing one another, she does say she misses me. So it's not like we go a week without seeing one another and she doesn't realize it's been a week or doesn't care it's been a week.
Dutchman1 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Hey jjtr, Good man, lucky man. You are in Love !!!! wish you all the best. Dutchman 1 1
warshaw Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I feel like it's more of this and I guess that's what I consider/mean by a void. As I said, even when I'm busy doing other things, the thought of her is there a lot of the time. Not seeing a problem with it. Hope the feeling is mutual, you don't want someone who is a primary focus in your life to not feel the same way. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Sounds totally normal to me. I have a great life, I have some incredible friends I can see whenever I want, a great career I adore, hobbies I enjoy, I volunteer, I go places often. But if I didn't live with my boyfriend I would feel really empty when he wasn't around. Once you get to a certain stage in a relationship you just crave seeing one another, spending time together, it's a good sign that your feelings are strong. If you're seeing each other plenty (like, four or five times per week) and happy with where you're at re moving in together (i.e. either you both want it right now or you're not both ready, it sucks bad to be the person ready and the other person holding back) and feel devastated on the one or two nights per week they're not around because either of you is busy then that would be a problem, but as the relationship progresses I dunno, it's amazing when you have that feeling that you'd rather be with them than not. Because we live together I don't feel remotely empty when I'm not around him, because I know we're soon both returning to our shared place and end up in the same bed together after whatever we're doing so it's something really nice to look forward to. I was with a guy four years once before moving in and I often felt alone and a void when he wasn't around, probably because about two years in I was ready to live together and he wasn't until four years. So I always felt like it was him holding back and it made me feel kinda rejected and unwanted. I always felt it was just time spent killing time until I saw him again, he obviously didn't have the same strength of feeling which made us an unhealthy match. I wasn't massively happy in that relationship. But in this relationship after a few months we just naturally slipped into wanting to be together by default unless something was stopping us, and within a few months he was sleeping over every night. It's been fast but it just felt right and happened without any huge discussion or anything. And when I had to move away for work after six months there was no doubt or question that he'd come with me and set up home (it was actually his idea, I was a little more wary due to my past ex being so stand offish!). To me this just says you love her company and might be ready to take the next step. Do you want to live together?
Author jjtr Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Sounds totally normal to me. I have a great life, I have some incredible friends I can see whenever I want, a great career I adore, hobbies I enjoy, I volunteer, I go places often. But if I didn't live with my boyfriend I would feel really empty when he wasn't around. Once you get to a certain stage in a relationship you just crave seeing one another, spending time together, it's a good sign that your feelings are strong. If you're seeing each other plenty (like, four or five times per week) and happy with where you're at re moving in together (i.e. either you both want it right now or you're not both ready, it sucks bad to be the person ready and the other person holding back) and feel devastated on the one or two nights per week they're not around because either of you is busy then that would be a problem, but as the relationship progresses I dunno, it's amazing when you have that feeling that you'd rather be with them than not. Because we live together I don't feel remotely empty when I'm not around him, because I know we're soon both returning to our shared place and end up in the same bed together after whatever we're doing so it's something really nice to look forward to. I was with a guy four years once before moving in and I often felt alone and a void when he wasn't around, probably because about two years in I was ready to live together and he wasn't until four years. So I always felt like it was him holding back and it made me feel kinda rejected and unwanted. I always felt it was just time spent killing time until I saw him again, he obviously didn't have the same strength of feeling which made us an unhealthy match. I wasn't massively happy in that relationship. But in this relationship after a few months we just naturally slipped into wanting to be together by default unless something was stopping us, and within a few months he was sleeping over every night. It's been fast but it just felt right and happened without any huge discussion or anything. And when I had to move away for work after six months there was no doubt or question that he'd come with me and set up home (it was actually his idea, I was a little more wary due to my past ex being so stand offish!). To me this just says you love her company and might be ready to take the next step. Do you want to live together? I think the bolded might be where I am coming from. Not that I need to be with her all the time, but just coming home to that someone and seeing them would round everything out. This is my longest (and most successful) relationship to date, so maybe that's why I am feeling this way. Additionally, I think I am getting to the point of being ready to move in, as we have had small, casual discussions of the future. We had the discussion prior to me signing a new lease in May and she wasn't ready to live together at the time (and I don't think I was either). She had never lived on her own before (always with parents or roommates), so she wanted to experience that for awhile. I think the next time it will come up is when my lease expires at the end of February. I think maybe the way I feel as though there is a void is due to the inconsistencies in time together right now. Like, I am not complaining about lack of time. I'm so happy she is making the effort she is when she is so swamped and we have been spending entire weekends together a lot lately. So it's not like I am upset about that or that lack of time together is causing issues. But some weeknights I just feel a void going to bed alone, especially if I haven't seen her all week.
lana-banana Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I think (well, I hope!) it's normal because I feel the same way. My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months now and we're starting to feel weird when the other isn't around. We took a 10-day vacation and were joking about how we'd be sick of each other by day four, but instead we went our separate ways at the end and it didn't feel right. Luckily we're both on the same page. He keeps bringing up how he sleeps better when I'm there and he wishes we were together more often. I kinda wish we lived together, although that's not something I'll do prior to an engagement. As others have said all that really matters is she feels the same way. I think if the relationship is healthy and you both care about each other a great deal, it's fine. "She's not here, that sorta sucks" is not codependent; "she's not here, I CAN'T FUNCTION OH GOD I MUST THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF" is. 1
Celeste.Carol Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It does not sound clingy or dependent...you love the girl! I believe the dependency issue has gone too far. When we find a SO we are somewhat dependent on them for trust, care, and companionship. Who else is going to tend to you in the Silver years, someone who cannot stand you or feels they need independence from you?!
RoseVille Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 Having now read your other threads about this relationship (which is all your other threads), you've had anxiety about this relationship since the first date. Hobbies are not really working out (that's just keeping healthy) and video games. It's understandable that you'd be so anxious about not having more time with your GF given that you don't really have a life outside your GF. If you build one, with hobbies and interests and career development of your own and friendships outside of your relationship, you won't be so dependent on her for your happiness and fulfilment. Because right now, you ARE dependent on her. And she knows it. And yet she cannot fix that, even if she were to work less.
empresario Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 You are normal. Read 'Attached.' the book. You will find it if you Google it. What you have is an Anxious Attachment Style. Not only is it normal...a lot of people are like that because it preserves the human race. Your protest reflex (you wanting to stay in contact with your mate) is your DNA telling you that if you separate from the pack bad things will happen. The most important part is to know her attachment style. As long as she isn't Avoidant it will work out just fine. 1
losangelena Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 You are normal. Read 'Attached.' the book. You will find it if you Google it. What you have is an Anxious Attachment Style. Not only is it normal...a lot of people are like that because it preserves the human race. Your protest reflex (you wanting to stay in contact with your mate) is your DNA telling you that if you separate from the pack bad things will happen. The most important part is to know her attachment style. As long as she isn't Avoidant it will work out just fine. This is exactly what I said yesterday. The only problem, and I mean this respectfully OP; it's simply observation based on what I've read from you, is that his GF does seem to be a bit avoidant, in that she's not giving him the reassurance he needs, hence the increase in his anxiety. OP, if you haven't read up on attachment theory, it's actually very useful. It opened up a lot of mental doors for me, and has made dating a bit easier. Sorry you felt ragged on yesterday. I think generally though, we're all trying to come from a good and helpful place.
Diezel Posted September 22, 2015 Posted September 22, 2015 It's normal, but when it's a relationship between an avoidant and a co-dependent, it never ends well. Depends what the void is and what you do with that time. I miss my girlfriend when she is not around, but I enjoy the "me" time and actively seek it.
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