Tricky situation w/ unplanned pregnancy and fatherhood

[confused444]

Hi all!

 

I had already 'made up my mind' on this matter, but it keeps returning to me. I am hoping for some mature and considered advice. My mind is not made up.

 

Basically, I was seeing a woman. You could say we were sex friends, as we were in a non-exclusive relationship; we never made vows, although I didn't sleep with others while we were dating.

 

I am from Europe, a caucasian male, and she was a Japanese woman.

 

About 2nd time we dated, basically as friends with no romantic elements, she said: "I'd love to have a half-white child some day!"

I laughed about it – haha!. I guess at this point I should have fled ... ! I've always been a fool.

 

Fast-forward 6 months or so, she'd been visiting my place and we'd been having sex two weekends a month or so. Hey, it's what a boy and a girl will do if left alone with a bottle of wine, isn't it ... ?

 

One day she says, "most likely after my abortion many years ago, I can't get pregnant anymore. Also, I'm on my safe period, so, you don't have to use protection." How does any stupid, young, inexperienced, horny male respond in that situation ...? Probably someone clever would smell something is wrong and GTFO. Me, I was still dumb and I did not think twice!

 

Fast forward several years, and I now have a daughter of soon 2 1/2 years of age. I have nothing against the child - that's cool, but what is the 'right' thing to do in this situation? Do I "man up", or do I run away? Sure, I am very selfish, I admit that. I like my freedom. But I will always carry with me a complete hate of this woman and what she did. Most of the time I don't feel hate, but it flares up sometimes you know.

 

So, she then became pregnant and only told me 4 months later when it was too late to have an abortion. She threatened to mail my work place if I did not do what she wanted. Apparently in Japan some women will threaten to defame you if you as much as suggest an abortion etc. She was going to print the abortion certificate and post it to my work place.

 

She had previously told me, "I had an abortion once, and I will never have one again." Sure you're laughing now; I was the biggest sucker, and I must agree!!

 

My dilemma now is whether to 'not exist' to the child, or to stay in the background and acknowledge my child. (although I jokingly, and perhaps arrogantly, tell myself that I was an unwilling sperm donator - I am rather done brainwashing away my part of the responsibility!).

 

However, note this: This girl was seeing another man at the same time as she was seeing me - of that I am sure. So, I think it was rather random that she didn't become pregnant by someone else! Also, when she was pregnant, she stayed at this Japanese friend's apartment (ex-boyfriend since many years back). He was made to believe he was the father too, of that I have no doubt, until he one day realized "that child looks nothing like mine!". He was furious, but I think he had no options and probably was quite lonely (poor guy). In any case she stayed with him even during pregnancy. While at my place, she'd run out on her phone and come back crying one hour later - she'd been crying on the phone about her pregnancy to that man, absolutely no doubt in my mind, because she would not tell me a single word about the call ...

 

While I know that I took part in what is basically a tragedy, and I should probably either hate the mother and stay the heck away, I also feel responsible. My best friend - well he used to be my best friend until around that time - told me I was an unsensitive fool and should man up and marry her, so I broke all relations with him. He seemed controlled by his new wife.

 

Actually I only came to realize later: This best friend was manipulative and controlling ... He was 8 years older, like a big brother. He tuned me into philosophy, Buddhism, music theory, a lot of stuff he had studied. But he had some crazy flaws - I guess we all do?

 

He actually bragged to me about how he could have sex without using a condom and never get a woman pregnant - like he was some kind of expert at pulling out. Sorry if that sounds gross, but I'm not sure what metaphors to use instead of just describing what he did factually. I scuffed at this, but his talk about having sex without a condom being so great also influenced me. If he can do it, so can I. Of course, I also used this selfishly, but I was definitely influenced subconsciously to care less for protection. These days I warn younger people to use protection, and I tell people to marry before having sex, even if that sounds very extreme.

 

I felt invulnerable, as if I could just 'pull out', as if that was some great martial skill like catching flying bullets with my teeth or something! OK, it was probably just my arrogance and animalistic desire to have sex that overruled my common sense - I dunno ...

 

But I do think I was in bad company. I seem to make friends with the weirdest people. For this reason I now have only 1 friend who I've identified to be a positive influence, and who is completely non-manipulative. He doesn't try to destroy me to remake me in his image, and then berate me for becoming too similar to him. Some people are just fundamentally ill and dangerous to others if they get too close. Sorry, I went off topic, but I wish to warn the world to stay away from expert manipulators - you won't realize what they are until you're out of the web!

 

This woman also has a history as a prostitute, or something close to full prostitution. I know this is 2015, and maybe some prostitutes are 'just doing it cuz it pays well', and are not damaged, so don't take it that I automatically dismiss every woman who has experience of selling sex.

I thought she was just a convenient sex friend, but I also did greatly appreciate our time together. We were great friends with benefits, even if it sometimes felt a bit awkard. There were other more serious reasons why I couldn't marry her or stay with her, worse than ex-prostitute, child trauma (apparently, she was fondled by an uncle ... sad.).

 

I do think I was an idiot here; but she never would have gotten pregnant if she hadn't tricked me into getting herself pregnant. I was set up, and I do believe that even if I set aside all the stupid stuff I did selfishly.

 

No matter the case, I see no happy future with her and myself, but all of this is none of the child's fault.

 

I guess my question is, even hypothetically (since explaining all the details and convincing you SHE was only to blame etc would be impossible), whether a man is responsible to a woman who effectively 'steals' his sperm, even if it may have been a subconscious part of her that wanted to trap me. She was just around 30 ... and that's the time when a woman needs to decide whether she wants to have a child or not. In Japan single mothers are increasing as elsewhere as well, so they don't absolutely need a boyfriend or husband to support them.

 

I do pity her and I do feel remorse (suicide thoughts for a year, but I've let it go)... But I just don't see myself being with her because of her big set of issues. Even if everything was fine I'd wonder if she was giving blowjobs to strangers on the street for quarters. I have just NO idea!

 

Anyway, I am not a sucker, and there's no court commanding me to "man up"! I am well aware that some women do trap men, even if the vast majority would never conceive of such a thing. To womens' defense, I would add that if men were able to get impregnant by women, all women would be in grave danger and we'd take them to court. "You better woman up and take responsibility!"

 

Anyway, what would YOU do in roughly this situation? What is the "right" thing to do? This woman is currently living in perhaps THE most expensive part of Tokyo with a man there who has accepted them as his new family. As long as they are fine, I would rather be out of the picture, but I am not sure if I can stay outside of this if any needs on the part of my daughter come up in the future, since I feel some 'magic parent bond' to my daughter, and I feel as if it's a biological/moral imperative to be there for that child.

 

Then again, hypothetically speaking, would a father ever donate sperm to a sperm bank and then go and care for the child later... ? I imagine that might very well happen, if the circumstances are such that the man is confronted by the daughter years down the road, though of course I assume sperm banks are anonymous, so that this basically can't happen. What person wouldn't soften up to their biological descendant showing up on their door ... ? (I've seen too many hollywood movies perhaps?)

 

Do I forget, or do I stand by and wait until the mom messes up her life and asks me to save her and our daughter financially? When the rich guy she's chosen at the moment is not giving her enough money, and she reckons she can try to reconcile the three of us .... what do I do? At present they are maintaining my sympathy and trying to stimulate my empathy and care for my daughter thru Skype, and part of me can't just say no. "I'll just see what happens!" If I do put them on ignore forever, I will be worried about their safety and health ... I guess I care, and I don't care - I am driven mad by this.

 

I wish I was just a hermit living in the mountains, having taken a vow of chastity, the eternal virgin.

[mrldii]

Not familiar with the laws regarding paternity in your - or her- country. Morally speaking? That's YOUR call, if you want to be in your daughter's life or not. You can give up your rights to her, so another man can adopt her as his daughter, you can continue to float, or you can insist on being a part of her life.

 

Having said all that, you need to separate your anger/hatred for the mother from your daughter. It might be nice if you'd stop comparing your situation/reactions to men who make deposits in sperm banks, as - no matter how much you detest her and find her to be a 'skank' now - you were happily hopping on her and humping away repeatedly when your daughter was conceived.

 

Again, regardless of your ultimate choice and regardless of how poorly you see yourself and/or the mother of your child, allow your daughter some dignity when speaking of/at/about her mother...

 

...of whom she is [only] 50% comprised.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[sportygirl89]

You should never punish a child for the parents mistake. She will end up having resentment and probably hate you. Hopefully you won't regret not being in your daughters life later when you mature some.

[Gloria25]

Lesson learned...

 

Use condoms, don't do the "pull-out" method and/or condoms half way through penetration (think of pre-cum), and don't believe ANY woman who says she can't get preggo cuz even "if" she did have some procedure done, I've heard of women who got their tubes tied still ending up preggo.

 

About the child. Yea, the mom may be a screw up, but if right now she's landed a stable guy then IMO, paternity doesn't matter - what matters is that he raises her as his own.

 

I mean, just like adoption, it's all in "how" the child is raised. I mean, if the child doesn't know of her natural dad - then, how is she gonna miss you? Also, what's the point in telling her about her dad in the U.S.? So, she can mourn, cry, and/or wonder why her natural dad "didn't want her"? Cuz yea, kids just don't get adult things sometimes. They only know "mommy or daddy" didn't love/want me and that stuff will follow them into adulthood. I mean, you see kids who came from wonderful adoptive and/or step parents still seeking out even "bums, drug addicts, losers" of natural parents cuz they think that blood is thicker than parenting.

 

I say stay in touch...speak to the mom. Let her know that you don't plan to interfere with the stability of the home and see if mom cares to let you stay in touch. You can become "uncle John". So, if one day it all goes to heck, you would have a connection with the child and can intervene and rescue the child and then tell her you're not "uncle John" but her real dad and explain why.

 

But seriously, speak to a family law attorney cuz while it may seem simple to do this or that, it gets complicated.

 

It's up to you if you wanna be in your kid's life, but IMO, people downplay the role a parent has and think as long as they see the kid on the weekends and send child support - they did their part. They think daycare, the school system, the step-mum/dad, "anybody" can step in and be mom/dad and it isn't so simple.

 

I mean, look at the kids in shared custody. They literally have "two" homes at times. Why don't the parents pack up their stuff and spend a week at one home, then the weekend at another and see if they like that? Then why subject your kids to it? Even freakin' pets couldn't deal with that lack of stability.

[Got it]

I think you need to direct some of that anger to the appropriate person, yourself. Regardless of what she was saying to you, you were old enough to practice safe sex and should have used a condom for a multitude of reasons. This woman was not someone that seemed to be a "safe" partner with her past, your light relationship with her, etc. So why you would run the risk is mind boggling.

 

So own your mistake and do not transfer any negative emotions to your daughter, she is the only innocent victim in this triangle.

[road]

I think you need to start with a paternity test being you know that she was sleeping with others.

[Quiet Storm]

Your daughter needs you. Her mother has issues. Do you not feel any desire to love, protect, teach, nurture your child?

 

The little girl Bella found dead on a beach in Boston was killed by her mom's boyfriend. Her real father didn't even realize she was missing for months. If he had been an involved presence in her life, she might still be alive.

 

Her mother screwed you over, but don't punish your daughter for that.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Get a paternity test. If she is your daughter, fo the right thing.

 

 

You're in denial. Part of you wanted to get her preggo. That's a big ego boost for a lot of guys. If part of you didn't want to get her preggo, you would have used protection 100% of the time.