Am I crazy? Is he right? Am I seeing things correctly?

[amkxoxo]

I have been dating this new man. Things have been good. Its been many months and he came out wanting to be in a committed relationship with me. I am still on the fence and have some unresolved issues with my ex, so I am not quite ready for that yet. We briefly had a stint where we broke things off and then he begged for me back and we got back together.

 

Now we are in limbo. We spend many nights sleeping next to each other, going on dates, and talking. But we are not officially together. Since I won'r commit right now, he makes it known that he is keeping his options open and is open to other girls.

 

I understand where he is coming from, but I don't particularly like it. I am not seeing anyone else but him. He would be so mad if I came out that I was talking to someone else too.

 

My ex and I are friends. A few weeks ago, I was out at a bar with some friends. My new guy could not be there. My ex stopped by to see me and have a few drinks. Nothing happened and I spent most of the night with my ex and my best girl friend just talking and laughing. It was all innocent. The most my ex and I did was hug goodbye. I hug a lot of my friend hello and goodbye.

 

I guess my new guy found out my ex was there through one of his friends who had been there that night too. A few days later new guy approached me and was really mad I didn't tell him about my ex being there. I told him it wasn't a huge deal and it was all friendly. He felt I had lied to him. I didn't see it that way. I wasn't all over my ex kissing him that night. He came to see me as a friend. I hadn't told him a lot about that night, because we hadn't talked a lot about it. I would have openly told him my ex was there, but it didn't come up. He still felt like I lied to him. He was also mad I didn't text him while I was out at the bar. He saw it as me being preoccupied with my ex, when in fact, I was busy drinking, dancing, and socializing. I haven't spoken to my ex since because I know it hurts my new guy and I want to see where things can go with us.

 

We got over this speed bump and it has brought us to last night. He had been on a day trip with some friend, while I was at work. We were texting throughout the day and just being cute. He was coming back late at night and I kind of wanted him to come sleep over with me. Now we haven't had full on intercourse, but we have fooled around a bit with other things.

 

I asked him if he wanted to come sleep when he came back. He said he had some offers for other plans, but that he would come over. He was on a train so I knew it would be a while until he arrived. I knew he would want some time to get settled.

 

I set my alarm and dozed off. I woke to my apartment buzzer going off, and many text messages from him. I buzzed him in and saw that he had texted me about coming over a half and hour prior, and I had been sleeping. He came in and I figured things were fine. He seemed irritated and bitter.

 

He was angry that I fell asleep. He didn't realize why I had asked him to come over when I had fallen asleep. I told him how it was an accident and I set my alarm around the time I figured he would be over. He told me how he had offers for other plans and told all of them no, because I had asked him over, and I fell asleep.

 

I didn't get the big deal and I told him that it was only a half an hour. I apologized, but also told him how he should have been contented with his choice of spending his night with me. That is the choice he made. He could have spent time with his friends and it would have been fine. I like him to spend time with his friends. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I didn't see it as a big deal. He was there now and it was a half an hour. He told me he could have spent that half an hour with his friends. He was mad that he chose me instead and that I fell asleep. I felt bad, but I was sleeping, I didn't just not answer him, or ditch him for some other plans.

 

We argued. Stuff got brought up about us not being official etc... He brings it up often. I felt it was a slap in the face because we aren't official because of me. He mentions it a lot, how we are just "friends", when I tell him we are definitely more than. He tells me he got offered to do something with friends, and he also got offered to "hangout" with a woman. A woman who was not me. And the way I see it, nothing good happens after midnight, and this was after. I was a little hurt that he was considering hanging out with another woman and doing god knows what with her, instead of being with me. Or if I had told him not to come over he could have been shacking up with some other woman.

 

I voiced this to him and it caused even more arguing. He voiced that we weren't together so he could do as he pleased and see who he wanted to and didn't have to tell me. I told him that if he liked me as much as he claimed and respected me, why would he even think of being with another woman. I then asked him if he thought going out with other woman and possibly having sex with them was a good way to make me want to commit to him? He again claimed that he wasn't keeping his eggs all in one basket, because I wouldn't commit. If a woman offered him sex, he would consider it, since its not like he is getting it from me. And we aren't committed.

 

I know this man cares about me. I care for him. He is a great man to me. He thinks of me, worries about me, tries to do so much to make me happy. I feel the pressure and last night was a reflection of it. Though he claims he doesn't do this, occasionally I feel manipulated into being in relationship with him. Like he is trying to hint me into it, by making sly remarks and comments, making me feel bad.

 

After our argument I was irritated myself. He was at the door ready to leave. I told him he was being stupid and it was the middle of the night. We talked more, then he asked for a kiss goodbye. I denied him one. I was annoyed. He then he picked me up and took me back to bed with him. We made up and things were fine. He wants to do things later today.

 

I have broken things off with him in the past and he keeps wedging himself back in. I like him, but I hate the pressure to be in a relationship and to have sex. Maybe he doesn't mean to put the pressure on, but I feel it all the time. I am the kind of person that I like seeing the potential in people. I see what I know people can be and I put them on a pedestal sometimes. I saw him in a good light because he is great to me, but after last night I kind of have a sour taste in my mouth.

[mattelipstick]

Didn't you just dump this guy a few weeks ago so you could try getting back with your ex? I don't think you really have any room to get upset about him being open to other women, given that (1) you refuse to be in a relationship with him, and (2) frankly, it appears you're only dealing with him because it turned out your ex didn't want you back. All of this sounds extremely selfish on your part.

[usernametaken]

Yes, you are crazy, and he is right. He is seeing things correctly here, and you are not.

 

You are refuse to have a committed relationship with him, and you refuse to have sex with him several months in. That's your prerogative, but given that, you don't have any grounds for being angry that he wants to see and/or sleep with other people.

 

You're stringing this guy along, and though I hate to use this term, you're a tease. Get over yourself and let him go. Jesus. Enough already.

[amkxoxo]

I feel I am not stringing him along. I dumped him twice before for that very reasoning and he came back for me and fought for me. I care about him, I make him dinner, I make plans with him all the time, I do some sexual stuff to him, I talk to him all the time, buy him things he enjoys to make him happy, I do care about this man. I am just so unsure about being committed. Being off the market, single, scares me so much. I know I have been holding off. I don't see what the rush is. He says he is afraid he will end up losing me, so he is keeping his options open. I understand what he is saying, but even if we were committed he could lose me. I could leave him. He could leave me at any time. If I am not giving him what he needs and wants, a relationship, then he should let me go to find someone who does. He is keeping me hoping for a miracle, while also dipping his toes testing out other girls too.

 

Like right now one of my good girl friends is seeing a guy. Its been a while. They go out on dates and talk on he phone etc.. They are really cute. They are not in a relationship and he isn't off sleeping wiht other woman because of it. Because he likes my friend only.

Edited September 18, 2015 by amkxoxo

[warshaw]

He's a bit oversensitive for sure, but you're way over the top about what you think is reasonable when you're dating someone.

 

If I was him I'd never get involved with a woman who still has unresolved issues with her ex; and given that you broke up once already to go back with your ex and then hung out with your ex, without even telling him? If he had a set, he'd kick you to the curb.

 

Instead he's doing the old whiny, needy, "I could have been with someone else" thing.

 

The whole situation is dysfunctional. He's weak and needy, he's trying to manipulate you, and you have no regard for his feelings.

 

Bad news all around.

[Diezel]

Oh look, another edition of amkxoxo's "Dear Diary, I'm so sweet and innocent".

 

You say you've dumped him twice, but he keeps coming back for more... but yet, you aren't doing anything to stop that from happening. That's on YOU, now.

 

They are not in a relationship and he isn't off sleeping wiht other woman because of it. Because he likes my friend only.

 

How is that NOT a relationship?

[J21]

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

I'm with the guy on this one.

[Maggie4]

I am just so unsure about being committed. Being off the market, single, scares me so much.

 

You don't want to commit and you don't want to be single. You're conflicted. Until you sort it out, the problem is you.

[LoveRefreshed]

Yep, I read only the first two paragraphs. You don't want to commit. You're only seeing him. You don't want him to be keeping his options open. It seems you want your cake and you want to eat it too. Be fair.

 

 

Okay, I read the rest of it. You're mad that he keeps saying things, trying to goad you into a relationship. He's hurt that you don't want him, he feels rejected and not enough. Samething happened to me once. We were 'dating' for 6 months and around the 5th month mark, I kept pressuring her about commitment and she got mad and told me it was what it was, why did I have to keep pushing for more, why couldn't I be happy with what she was willing to give. I, in turn, hardened my heart to steel, I shut her out and she never got that spot back. She wanted it later, but it was too late, she scared me and I wasn't going to open back up to someone so cold, who was so mean because I wanted more than to be **** buddies. You're doing this to him, and any good man is going to get sick of it. We don't like pussy-footing around, fence sitting and waffling about what you want. Make up your damn mind and go for it. You want him or you don't. That's it.

Edited September 18, 2015 by LoveRefreshed