crushed

[spanofthysoul]

It's been nine weeks.

 

Where to start? First of all, some background: I'm a male in my mid 30's coming out of a ten year marriage. I have kids, which I have full time custody (legal and physical) of. I live in town which I have no family. In fact, all my family are in a different country, and I have few friends, as I haven't really been able to tend to friendships that much last couple of years. Ex lives out of town. Last three years, I have been taking care of my kids full time, as well as working and advancing in my career. My life has literally been loveless for the last three years until I started dating peopleinApril.

 

I finally took the plunge in, April, signing up for some dating sites. First, Ashley Madison, which was the first one that showed up on whatever advertising I was seeing. What a joke? Next OkCupid and Match. I went on dates almost every week (getting a babysitter and going out, or for lunch hour). I had some fun meeting different women primarily my own age, or older maybe 5+ years. For some reason I like older women, my ex was immature and younger, and I'm really not looking to repeat.

 

I didn't have any success, or there was no love connection really with most of the people that I met. Or the feelings were one way from me or from them. I guess, just the way dating is for everyone Well, until, mid July when I met the most awesome attractive woman which I instantly fell hard for. Our first dates was very sweet, no kissing or handholding until 3rd. I didn't want to come off to strong, but after that it turned into a very passionate relationship and after a couple of weeks we were boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

This woman is coming out of a 5 year marriage, but has been divorced/single now for four years. She is 40, she used to be a model before she married. She is truly beautiful, takes care of her self and is a yoga instructor. She moved into the single part of town, whereas I live in a family part of town with great schools. She talks about how she felt trapped in her marriage, and had no friends. Well after her marriage, she started going out, moved to single part of town (downtown) and literally went on hundreds of dates (she told me this) but no-one really stood out like me she said.

 

She talks about how important her friends are to her. Her best friend, a 55 year old airline pilot goes out with her on daily walks after work (when I'm busy tending to my kids). They go to the park, to new restaurants and have fun.

 

She has many friends. Let me be more specific: "TONS". She has been on dates with celebrities and famous people. She used to live in San Francisco and dated some extremely rich/successful people in tech industry. She has told me this and showed me pictures. Also she has dated a son of an ex president of another country. I know for a fact she is not bull****ting me. But I'm unclear on the motives. Is it supposed to make me feel great? Back to the point, that she has many friends, many of her friends are ex dates that turned into friends. They are just now all her friends. She also has girl friends. But 90% of friends are guys.

 

She told me she wants me to meet some of her friends, an older couple in their 50's and this other guy who's in a wheelchair. Not the guys who are texting her day and night and facebook messaging her and emailing her. I've seen some of the texts coming in (when we have been talking and she has been holding the phone in front of me). They are all guys, flirting, and she put photos attached to the guys phone numbers. They are handsome.

 

When she is with me (when my kid is at a babysitter), she does not want to have fun. All she wants to do is decorate my place. Literally, she makes me buy stuff, and then we spend time decorating my house. We do have intimacy. I ask her, let's do something fun. But she repeatedly states she wants to "accomplish" stuff with me. One night I had a babysitter for my kid, and I asked her if she wanted to go out and do something, which she said she was too tired for, I got upset, (in a quiet passive way), so she invited me over to her place. We went to bed at 8:30pm. The next day we went to look at houses in this area of town she likes because it's close to her work and her commute wouldn't be too bad.

 

All she talks about is how she wants a baby with me, because her clock is ticking. Her doctor says she has few eggs left and its about time to get rolling if she wants a baby. Now she wants to drag me to a specialist to make sure we get a baby before time runs out. This is a major red flag for me. I'm not really interested in having another baby. I haven't really been honest about my feelings about this with her, I'm afraid to loose her.

 

Today she told me about a 22 year old guy from Texas that's in LA that wants to meet with her and hang out. She laughs it off, saying that they are kids and she wouldn't be interested in them. But she still wants to hang out with them. Meaning, going out, having fun on town. She also told me this other lawyer guy has been texting her. They are all "friends" of her. This upsets me, that she wants to go out and have fun with other people, but never with me. Not when I have a babysitter to watch my kids for the night. She prefers going to bed at 9pm with me.

 

She also told me she likes to go out by herself (hit town), and dance the night away and how important this is to her. She told me, she likes to meet random people to dance with, because it feels "safe". She tries to shove it off as something innocent and that she just needs to do it because she likes to be social. Of course, reading between the lines, it's pretty obvious to me she enjoys the attention from the opposite sex.

 

How do I feel?

 

I feel so dull and stupid and boring. Like I have nothing to offer. I'm not extremely rich or interesting. I have a good career and good income but nothing like these friends of hers. I'm stuck with my kids. And the nights when I'm off she does not feel or have time for me. Usually she likes to hang out during the day. And she loves to go to bed early. Like 9pm latest. It hurts me that she thinks I don't like to have fun. I mean really, who doesn't like to have fun.

 

It's so hard to put it into writing. I feel used and horrible and sad... I can barely sleep and I feel like I need to end this before it destroys me. What kills me is that I'm really into her.

 

I'm crushed.

 

I guess I would like some input. Maybe you have experienced something similar, or maybe not, but would like to share something. Also, I'm not sure what to do.

Edited September 18, 2015 by spanofthysoul

[ExpatInItaly]

She's looking for a sperm donor.

 

Sorry, but she's just not that into you.

 

Let's look at the facts:

-loves attention from other men

-communicates regularly with other men

-likes to "hit the town" but not with you because that would ward off attention from other men and ruin her single-lady image

-doesn't want to do fun things with you

-pressuring you to have a baby without really even having a solid relationship

 

What exactly are you afraid to lose here? She sounds like a terrible girlfriend and she needs to grow up. I would also not be so sure that you're the only man in her life. Stop letting her walk all over you.

[pidgeon1010]

Sounds like she lived life in the fast lane, had a taste for the finer things in life and made sure to position herself to be able to obtain those finger things from guys. Is it possible she could have been an escort? That would come as no surprise to me.

 

Now that she is 40, she has realized time is not on her side as far kids are concerned and wants to fast track the first gullible man she can get into impregnating her. RUN FOR THE HILLS. I don't see this ending well. She sounds like an opportunist who is looking to use you for the "safety" you can provide while she still keeps the men in her life who can provide the excitement she desires.

[thunder777]

i think your lucky to have met her, she does sound great and like a shooting star

 

enjoy the fact that she stopped in a spent time with you, like a trophy on your mantle

 

nonetheless, from your part, yes its unfair on you that shes not looking for 1 man 1 world and has eyes elsewhere. she is not the girl your looking for despite all her qualities

 

be proud u were capable of reeling that in. she dumps off plenty of guys each and every day who only dream of what you got from her

 

in the end girls who sleep around, share themselves with multiple men, only get whats coming to them. diseases & a child with no father

 

walk with your head high and know you have the capacity to get quality (or highly attractive women) so you have the power to easily get another one who will hopefully have a bit more integrity

 

shes probably on her way out because your falling for her and your easy to get so youre not a challenge for her. women like chasing men, make yourself hard to get

[Seth0194]

Sounds like she lived life in the fast lane, had a taste for the finer things in life and made sure to position herself to be able to obtain those finger things from guys. Is it possible she could have been an escort? That would come as no surprise to me.

 

Now that she is 40, she has realized time is not on her side as far kids are concerned and wants to fast track the first gullible man she can get into impregnating her. RUN FOR THE HILLS. I don't see this ending well. She sounds like an opportunist who is looking to use you for the "safety" you can provide while she still keeps the men in her life who can provide the excitement she desires.

 

My thoughts on this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i think your lucky to have met her, she does sound great and like a shooting star

 

enjoy the fact that she stopped in a spent time with you, like a trophy on your mantle

 

nonetheless, from your part, yes its unfair on you that shes not looking for 1 man 1 world and has eyes elsewhere. she is not the girl your looking for despite all her qualities

 

be proud u were capable of reeling that in. she dumps off plenty of guys each and every day who only dream of what you got from her

 

in the end girls who sleep around, share themselves with multiple men, only get whats coming to them. diseases & a child with no father

 

walk with your head high and know you have the capacity to get quality (or highly attractive women) so you have the power to easily get another one who will hopefully have a bit more integrity

 

shes probably on her way out because your falling for her and your easy to get so youre not a challenge for her. women like chasing men, make yourself hard to get

 

Yes wear it as a badge of honor, learn from this relationship and move on. For god sake do not have a child with this women, that only ends bad for you.

 

Ride the ride until you cant or not having any fun with it any more. Enjoy the sex and whatever comes with it but plan on letting this go sooner then later.

[spanofthysoul]

Pretty sure she wasn't an escort. At first I thought she was an ex porn star. But then I did some research an I mixed her up with someone.

 

Thanks for telling me to treat it as a badge of my accomplishments. Us guys, we know how this is, just joking.

 

My problem is I'm extremely soft for her. I'm so in love and I know I shouldn't be. Every day is hurting in one way or another. I understand what needs to be done. I'm just not sure what to do or how to do it. It screws with my head that if I dump her she will immediately get another guy. No remorse. No regrets. While I'll be depressed for months. I want her to remember me and regret her lifestyle and maybe change. Change for me. But this is just not going to happen.

 

Better get a therapist and not become self destructive fast.

[thunder777]

 

My problem is I'm extremely soft for her. I'm so in love and I know I

 

This is exactly why she is losing interest

 

do women want soft loving really sweet & weak wuss-bags?

 

go back to the Neanderthal days, man rules woman follows, be a testosterone filled caveman who drives women wild because you got no time for cuddles or boxes of chocolates or

 

get busy being a boy whos too driven to give a f##k about romance & love and youll find she'll actually want to be by your side like this

 

a trick is to consider her as just a page in your book, she is not the whole book and do not let her saturate every page. say look im busy attending to the other pages in my book, can we catch up later in the week

[mrldii]

Aside from all the other red flags, and all the other advice/input from others, and if for no other reason, this - typed in black-and-white and by your own hand -

 

...I'm stuck with my kids...

 

should make you choose to gladly, happily, and quickly dump her and never give her a second thought.

 

 

I would NEVER allow a man - or my feelings for a man - make me feel - let alone say - such a thing about my children. That is a HUGE red flag that this woman - and your *relationship* with her - is absolutely NOT right.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[spanofthysoul]

She's out eating breakfast with one of her friends. Just. "I'm out eating breakfast." She's not saying who. But I know its some guy that's listening to her talking about her problems being Mr understanding. I know because it used to be me.

 

My resentment is growing.

 

Yesterday she told me she had talked to her therapist which she sees weekly. They talked about me. She asked her therapist if he thought I should meet more people and date more before I decided on her. It seems to me that she is very open to the idea. The therapist said I probably didn't need to date more people. It just seems like she wants me out if she's asking her therapist.

 

She's playing the innocent card with everyone. Ooh I never did this before. I never had such a connection with anyone .... That kind of stuff. She told me she had such a spiritual connection with a young kid she was dancing with. She said. She connects with people on different levels.

 

She's so coocoo. And the reason she can go around being like this is because everybody wants her.

 

Thunder you are probably right, about me growing some balls.

 

Essentially what I want to do is start dating other people to get my mind off this woman. It's a very compelling thought right now.

Edited September 19, 2015 by spanofthysoul