Is my girlfriend depressed or is she falling out of love? Or both?

[battlehard]

Hi guys and thanks a lot for reading.

 

My girlfriend (of 1.5 years) has gone on spells before of not seeming very interested in me, she doesn't initiate affection, she doesn't say I love you and she is just very off. She did it for a few weeks a while ago, then a few months ago she did it for about 2.5 weeks. Both times it resolved with her just going back to normal without me really pushing the issue very much, we did have a few fights because of me questioning her in that time but it kind of just happened.

 

This time, it's been going on for about 4-5 weeks. She did have one day about 4 weeks ago where she was loving and said I love you but after that it went back to her being very off.

 

It is worth noting we were living and working together in a closed off area for about 2 months recently so maybe she just needs some time away from me. She is quite an emotional person so I really don't know, does this mean she doesn't love me anymore and is going to break up with me? Or is it just a cycle that will randomly happen?

 

I really love her and honestly it's worth putting up with these spells, they're not too bad as long as it ends in her going back to normal.

 

Should I make it a big deal and bring it up? Or wait it out and hope for the best? I'm on vacation now and I'm back in a week and I'm really really not sure what to do or when to do it.

[kassy]

I think you need to have a conversation, not a fight, about it. Ask her what's happening as she seems to be not herself at the moment and if there is anything you can do to help her? Also try and find out what is causing these issues, is she depressed? Ask her. While you don't want to put a lot of pressure on her, if you are in a loving relationship you need to be able to talk constructively about issues so that you can support each other and understand what is happening in the relationship and be a better partner. Don't jump to the conclusion that it is about you, but make sure when you talk to her you really listen to what she says. Also how old are you two?

[battlehard]

I think you need to have a conversation, not a fight, about it. Ask her what's happening as she seems to be not herself at the moment and if there is anything you can do to help her? Also try and find out what is causing these issues, is she depressed? Ask her. While you don't want to put a lot of pressure on her, if you are in a loving relationship you need to be able to talk constructively about issues so that you can support each other and understand what is happening in the relationship and be a better partner. Don't jump to the conclusion that it is about you, but make sure when you talk to her you really listen to what she says. Also how old are you two?

 

Thanks a lot for your reply. We are both 24. You're definitely right, I need to calmly approach her, I think the best time to do it would be when I get home in a week. The thing is, she does seem herself in general, just not with me. She'll laugh and joke with our friends and be smiling all day then we'd go to bed and she'd barely touch me. I guess it can be easier to pretend with friends as it's a different type of relationship.

 

I guess my main concern is pushing her further away, what if she is having a few doubts but they might go away in time without me doing anything? I think you're right though, I need to step up and calmly state how I feel and ask what's going on and go from there.

[coryreply]

It is worth noting we were living and working together in a closed off area for about 2 months recently so maybe she just needs some time away from me. She is quite an emotional person so I really don't know, does this mean she doesn't love me anymore and is going to break up with me? Or is it just a cycle that will randomly happen?

 

I think this particular note is important. Even married couples need time to breathe. She have started feeling a bit overwhelmed by the constant proximity.

 

When I was dating my wife, I noticed she would do this very same thing. It happened about every 3-6 months. I called it putting up her walls. She even tried to push away at times. I realized, I loved her enough to help her work through whatever emotional issues were causing her to want to do this to me.

 

We finally broke through them when she realized she could trust me, that I was safe, and I wasn't going to run away from her or hurt her. She had some deep emotional wounds from previous relationships and her relationship with her father. My understanding and consistent approach to this helped to bring her to a place of healing. Obviously, we were later married.

 

Do you think there's any chance that some past woundedness is driving this behavior?

[battlehard]

I think this particular note is important. Even married couples need time to breathe. She have started feeling a bit overwhelmed by the constant proximity.

 

When I was dating my wife, I noticed she would do this very same thing. It happened about every 3-6 months. I called it putting up her walls. She even tried to push away at times. I realized, I loved her enough to help her work through whatever emotional issues were causing her to want to do this to me.

 

We finally broke through them when she realized she could trust me, that I was safe, and I wasn't going to run away from her or hurt her. She had some deep emotional wounds from previous relationships and her relationship with her father. My understanding and consistent approach to this helped to bring her to a place of healing. Obviously, we were later married.

 

Do you think there's any chance that some past woundedness is driving this behavior?

 

Thanks a lot for your reply and congratulations on your marriage.

 

Honestly, I don't know. Her parents did divorce but it doesn't seem to trouble her all that much. I'm getting the feeling more and more that she's just tired of me and has had enough. I got some particularly cold/distant texts today.

 

Would you recommend I back off big time and am basically distant or don't even message her for a while? I feel a bit like an idiot being replied to with implications that I'm being needy, when all I'm really doing is trying to keep the mood up and get her back to normal. I like to think she's just putting up walls but honestly I think she just doesn't want to be with me anymore and I'm terrified to be honest.

 

How would you suggest communicating with her from now?

[Stage5Clinger]

She's got her eyes on another guy. Hopefully it's just emotional cheating and not physical. You need to consider what this means to you and whether this is something you guys can talk about and work on -- or if she completely closes off when you bring it up you need to move on!

[scooby-philly]

She's got her eyes on another guy. Hopefully it's just emotional cheating and not physical. You need to consider what this means to you and whether this is something you guys can talk about and work on -- or if she completely closes off when you bring it up you need to move on!

 

Seriously - read my posts. Stop making comments that come from out of your ass and not your brain like Donald Trump. Read his post before speaking - and then stop and think. And then ask someone else's permission before you render an opinion. He said they're living and working together in an isolated spot. Who else is she looking at?

 

You know those commercials with Captain Obvious on TV now - well you could play the role of Captain Douche-bag.

[battlehard]

Seriously - read my posts. Stop making comments that come from out of your ass and not your brain like Donald Trump. Read his post before speaking - and then stop and think. And then ask someone else's permission before you render an opinion. He said they're living and working together in an isolated spot. Who else is she looking at?

 

You know those commercials with Captain Obvious on TV now - well you could play the role of Captain Douche-bag.

 

Hi scooby-philly. Thanks for you reply. We were working together but that ended a few weeks ago. What's your take on the whole situation?

[Hopeful30]

Well, if you don't bring this up, then you won't be any closer to any answers. It will just continue and probably get worse.

 

It could be a million things, but if he refuses to talk to you about it, then I would dump her. I'm sorry but I've been unhappy in relationships and the only progress was when I was honest to my partner about it. Otherwise, you're just wasting both of your time.

 

Ask her about it, and if you feel she is being dishonest and isn't entirely voicing the truth, then distance yourself and start moving on, at least prepare yourself too.

 

My most honest opinion would be she's lost interest long ago but doesn't want to lose the comofort of a companion. Because believe you me, if something great comes along she won't hesitate.

 

I also think the fact that she hasn't approached you to discuss things is very immature. You can't just go cold on and off and expect things to improve. What are we, toddlers?

[angelcake]

I am a woman and I have to admit that I do the same thing from time to time. It is because I am feeling overwhelmed with life, and overwhelmed with attention from my boyfriend, AKA suffocated.

 

I just need a few days or maybe even a week to just work through it (I still keep in contact, just not as much). I tell him "give me time to miss you, instead of always wanting to be in contact" (whether it be in person, on the phone, texting, etc).

 

 

At no point do I think I don't love him, or do I consider other men. I just need time to recharge, and I bet your girlfriend is going through the same thing.

 

Let her know that you are there for her if she needs anything, and then back off a little. Obviously don't ignore her, but cut down on the attention and give her time to breathe.