rach0019 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Long story short, my ex boyfriend broke up with me in May because we're both 17 and 3 hours long distance and can't see each other too often so he said it was really starting to get to him. We had a really strong emotional connection because we couldn't physically be together that often, he doubled as my best friend, we would talk every day for hours whenever we could. Yet the last three weeks of our relationship were a bit tough (honestly think it was my fault) because he was apparently very busy and he wasn't really talking to me and I got mad a few times and although he promised that he would try harder because he loved me so much and never wanted to lose me. Weirdly enough, I asked him if anything was up the morning we broke up and he said no and that he loved me "so so much" and that he's really been trying his best to talk to me. Whether or not he meant that, I don't know. He also said I love you on the phone before he broke up with me... He explained that he was busy and thought it wasn't fair to me because he didn't have enough time to talk, and that when he did I was mad at him. I don't know if that's the truth but I do know he wasn't on social media the entire summer, which was strange. I was in a different (bad) place for most of the time I was in a relationship with him, and I feel bad that I made him stressed about talking to me, and that I wasn't as understanding as I should've been. I have anxiety and depression and I was really a mess, and I've taken the summer to really get a hold of myself and I thankfully did it. But I've really been missing him. He reached out to me and asked if we could stay friends the day we broke up, but I said I didn't know yet (I was really upset). I texted him a few weeks later and we talked normally and joked around with eachother, and he texted me first the next day. I texted him a week later and never got a reply. I accidentally sent him a message on social media and he responded in a matter of seconds. But we haven't talked since (around 2 months). Do I want to talk to him? Of course, but I'm not going to reach out to him because I guess he'd text me if he wanted to talk, which hurts. He's not just some random guy who I dated who means nothing to me, he really means a lot to me still, he was so great to me and I kind of feel like I blew it. I do want him back in my life eventually, but I don't know how to do so. Sometimes I want to text him to apologize and show that I'm different now but I don't want him to think that I'm just dragging things on and that I'm desperate. He's still the person I want to tell about my day at the end of the day and he was really important to me and I thought he felt the same but if that was the case I don't know why he hasn't reached out to me. I wish I knew what he was thinking, but I don't. It hurts because he'd always tell me he "knew I was his soulmate and that we would get married someday". So, what should I do? Please don't tell me to just get over him, it's been 5 months and I've tried doing that and keeping myself SO busy but I just can't. Every day it feels like something is missing and it's him (cheesy but true). I want to contact him (but don't think it'll be anytime soon) and I don't know what the right thing to say would be. I wish I could just say "so are we never going to talk again?" but I won't say that. I know that I can't force him to love me or be in my life, but I just wish we could even talk occasionally or be acquaintances/friends. I don't think I've ever felt this way about another person before and I don't want to just let that go. I don't want to go into details but the distance between us will be gone in a few years.
mightycpa Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 because he was apparently very busy and he wasn't really talking to me and I got mad a few times and although he promised that he would try harder because he loved me so much and never wanted to lose me. Weirdly enough, I asked him if anything was up the morning we broke up and he said no and that he loved me "so so much" and that he's really been trying his best to talk to me.This happens so often that it can be considered textbook behavior. Let me tell you what was going on. He is no more in control of whether he loves your or not than you are in control of whether or not you love him. He didn't choose to turn it off, just like you can't choose to turn it off. He had already been having doubts about his feelings, and little by little, these doubts grew as his intense interest faded. He fought this, he didn't want that to happen. In those three weeks when he was "really busy", in reality, he was sorting these unwanted feelings out. Give him some credit, he was trying pretty hard. At the end, when he professed his undying love to you, he was trying really hard to talk himself back into it. He ramped up the love talk, really high in this effort to save the relationship. After he did, he knew he was lying to himself, and he couldn't stand it anymore. That's when he broke up with you. He didn't say a word to you that entire time, because he didn't want to hurt you or make you worry. He was sure it was something that would pass. It didn't. Today, he's feeling as free as a bird, just like he did when he met you. He no longer feels like you and your relationship are a part of him. He's long gone. You don't want to hear exactly what you need to hear. He's done. Get over him, because he's not coming back. You are in love with someone who no longer is the way you want him to be. There's nothing you can do to change this, and there is nothing he can do to change it either. Sorry, but that is the absolute truth about your situation. As for you being pals, that can wait until you are over him. For your own sake, just disappear. You won't hear from him much, if you do at all, and that's a good thing. Time to focus on just you. Good luck Rach. 1
sparkles_and_me Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 This happens so often that it can be considered textbook behavior. Let me tell you what was going on. He is no more in control of whether he loves your or not than you are in control of whether or not you love him. He didn't choose to turn it off, just like you can't choose to turn it off. He had already been having doubts about his feelings, and little by little, these doubts grew as his intense interest faded. He fought this, he didn't want that to happen. In those three weeks when he was "really busy", in reality, he was sorting these unwanted feelings out. Give him some credit, he was trying pretty hard. At the end, when he professed his undying love to you, he was trying really hard to talk himself back into it. He ramped up the love talk, really high in this effort to save the relationship. After he did, he knew he was lying to himself, and he couldn't stand it anymore. That's when he broke up with you. He didn't say a word to you that entire time, because he didn't want to hurt you or make you worry. He was sure it was something that would pass. It didn't. Today, he's feeling as free as a bird, just like he did when he met you. He no longer feels like you and your relationship are a part of him. He's long gone. You don't want to hear exactly what you need to hear. He's done. Get over him, because he's not coming back. You are in love with someone who no longer is the way you want him to be. There's nothing you can do to change this, and there is nothing he can do to change it either. Sorry, but that is the absolute truth about your situation. As for you being pals, that can wait until you are over him. For your own sake, just disappear. You won't hear from him much, if you do at all, and that's a good thing. Time to focus on just you. Good luck Rach. I was just reading this and I can totally relate. That was how my bf and I were towards the end of our relationship. Until he broke things with me...
Author rach0019 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 This happens so often that it can be considered textbook behavior. Let me tell you what was going on. He is no more in control of whether he loves your or not than you are in control of whether or not you love him. He didn't choose to turn it off, just like you can't choose to turn it off. He had already been having doubts about his feelings, and little by little, these doubts grew as his intense interest faded. He fought this, he didn't want that to happen. In those three weeks when he was "really busy", in reality, he was sorting these unwanted feelings out. Give him some credit, he was trying pretty hard. At the end, when he professed his undying love to you, he was trying really hard to talk himself back into it. He ramped up the love talk, really high in this effort to save the relationship. After he did, he knew he was lying to himself, and he couldn't stand it anymore. That's when he broke up with you. He didn't say a word to you that entire time, because he didn't want to hurt you or make you worry. He was sure it was something that would pass. It didn't. Today, he's feeling as free as a bird, just like he did when he met you. He no longer feels like you and your relationship are a part of him. He's long gone. You don't want to hear exactly what you need to hear. He's done. Get over him, because he's not coming back. You are in love with someone who no longer is the way you want him to be. There's nothing you can do to change this, and there is nothing he can do to change it either. Sorry, but that is the absolute truth about your situation. As for you being pals, that can wait until you are over him. For your own sake, just disappear. You won't hear from him much, if you do at all, and that's a good thing. Time to focus on just you. Good luck Rach. Thank you for your quick reply! I'm just a bit confused, because why would he go through the trouble of pretending to love me if he didn't? I had seen him a week before we broke up and he bought me gifts and was all lovey-dovey and all over me so it's just not really making sense to me... I'm interested in how you said he would try to save the relationship even if he didn't have feelings for me, do you mind explaining that a bit? Personally I just can't make sense of what the point of that would be for him, teenage boys are pretty simple and I'm not sure that he would put that much thought into it? Like I feel like if he didn't have feelings for that long he would've ended it. In his defense his parents were on his case about the time he spent talking to me and often took his phone. But maybe you're right. Thanks again!
Author rach0019 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 I was just reading this and I can totally relate. That was how my bf and I were towards the end of our relationship. Until he broke things with me... Sorry to hear about you and your ex, I hope you're doing alright!!
sparkles_and_me Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I am in the process of moving forward with life without him. It's only been a couple of days since we broke up so everything is still fresh. But LS really helps me understand the science of breakup, letting go and moving on. So I'm sure time will heal all wounds and I will come out stronger than ever... Something better is in store for me.
mightycpa Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Rach, you know how dumpees go through this period of denial? That was his period of denial... he didn't want to believe it, and he didn't want it to end. I suspect he was perfectly happy with you, then was confused by his change of heart. It wasn't an on-off switch... that was what you experienced, but not him. For him, it was a slow and unwelcome realization, a process. For a while there, he didn't know how he felt... part in love, but part not, and growing. That's why. 1
Liono84 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been in a LDR for over a year and a half with m ex so i can relate. The bad thing or possibly good thing, is that it's over. You may not think it right now, but it is in fact a good thing for you. He's not coming back. Accept it and move on. If you guys were older there prob would be higher chance at reconciling from his part because he would be over a lot of things such as partying and trying to find himself. But because you both are so young, that aint happening and he's not coming back. The good thing; You very young. It's not like you in your thirties and still trying to find someone. You don't even know what you really want so there is a whole future ahead of you. Cheer up.
Author rach0019 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been in a LDR for over a year and a half with m ex so i can relate. The bad thing or possibly good thing, is that it's over. You may not think it right now, but it is in fact a good thing for you. He's not coming back. Accept it and move on. If you guys were older there prob would be higher chance at reconciling from his part because he would be over a lot of things such as partying and trying to find himself. But because you both are so young, that aint happening and he's not coming back. The good thing; You very young. It's not like you in your thirties and still trying to find someone. You don't even know what you really want so there is a whole future ahead of you. Cheer up. I'm not so sure if it's a good thing for me if it's been months of feeling awful... not once have I felt any sort of liberation from being out of the relationship.
Author rach0019 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Rach, you know how dumpees go through this period of denial? That was his period of denial... he didn't want to believe it, and he didn't want it to end. I suspect he was perfectly happy with you, then was confused by his change of heart. It wasn't an on-off switch... that was what you experienced, but not him. For him, it was a slow and unwelcome realization, a process. For a while there, he didn't know how he felt... part in love, but part not, and growing. That's why. How does that happen though? :/ Of the people I've broken up with, if I'm happy with them I don't even consider breaking up with them, the only time I do it is when I'm not happy anymore. If he didn't love me then why would he feel any sort of denial?
Oregon_Dude Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 No offense, but you're 17. These relationships at your age are not supposed to last. I know it sucks right now, but this is but one of many r/s's you have yet to have in your life. Let it go.
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