disbelief Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 hey guys, my girlfriend of 3.5 years whom I have a son with left me for another guy. they were dating 2 days after she left our family. she just wont admit that they are dating when it is painfully obvious. i want to present her with enough information so she can no longer deny it. i was thinking of sending her this, would it be a mistake? "you know when you live with someone for long enough you come to know all there little quirks and details? i do notice the little things. when you came to pick our son up on Wednesday i could see that you still had your hair straitened from the night before, how your makeup was still wearing off, i could see those new sexy underwear/new clothes. i know your trying to be attractive to him, i remember when you did the same thing for me. our mutual friend tells me this guy is a drinker and a partier. i know, its fun, its exciting - i get it. what im driving at is that i know what is going on. I seen you deleted that text with him so i coulnt see it, if nothing was going on why delete it? well - we both know why. i know at this point your not ready to admit it because the guilt would be hard to deal with and you would fear what my reaction would be, well you don't need to worry, i wont even get mad, I've accepted it in my heart and mind. you actually don't need to admit anything, i can see everything the way it is. the realization that you've been seeing him has made it easier to let go. its brutal how strong the emotion to fight for your family is but at this point i know its in vain. my heart breaks for our little guy, he is just so special and i wish he could have had his mommy and daddy under one roof. my only request is that we keep people out of his life until stable long term relationships are established, i know your on board with that which im grateful for. lets really stick to that plan though; his trust has already been broken. i know you might be thinking that im overthinking it but this stuff is important for that little guy , he is #1." this is what i really feel and i think she should know. I am a mess tonight and it could be a bad idea, what do you guys think.
BlueBlood Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 If you're a mess it's a bad idea. Talking with an ex should be done calmly and I'd stick to just talk regarding your child. As much as you might think you want her to admit to cheating, to what end would it help you heal? She left you. She's moved on. As hard as it is you need to move on, too, and just focus on your sweet little boy and what he needs (sounds like you're a really caring dad and that's really wonderful). 1
mightycpa Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Only the last part about the stable relationships, unless you've already agreed to that. If so, then next time you pick him up, then maybe a gentle reminder about that might be in order, even if it is said like this I just wanted to let you know I'm seeing somebody new, but I'm not going to introduce her to little Johnny, like we agreed. otherwise, keep that whiny, self-pity prose in your heart-of-hearts notebook for YOUR EYES ONLY. Or post it here, but for ****'s sake, don't give it to her.
Qboro90 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 DO NOT send that text to her. Sorry but it reaks of reverse psychology on your part and is way to elaborate for what you're trying to get across. The things you wrote are basically saying "don't feel guilty about breaking apart our family and seeing another guy, lets just be cordial for the sake of our child". Not the best message to send across to someone if you're trying to remain amicable. The blunt truth is that if you're broken up/separated, she has the right to see/date whomever she chooses without having to explain or tell you about it. While it may be the right and courteous thing to do on her part, its also not her obligation. So your text trying to get her to fess up and admit it already is not going to do anything besides furthering the gap between you. If you must text her then as hard as it might be you should hold back trying to twist the knife or take jabs at her..Something like "I know you've told me you're not seeing anyone else and normally i wouldn't even see it as my place to discuss it with you, but the fact that we have a child together just makes me feel a bit uneasy about the dynamic we'll display as a family going forward. Ive never gone through something like this before as I'm sure you haven't either but i want us to be able to give our son the best and most loving home possible despite what mommy and daddy are going through or who they are dating. You'll always be his mother and ill always be his father so I want us both to be able to share to some degree what each of us has going on as it pertains to who our child will be around. While this might be something we don't need to worry about currently, I'm just thinking about down the line and the best way to ensure both of us are comfortable at least knowing our son is around people who have his best interests at heart. I hope thats not asking to much and I think you'd want the same courtesy afforded to you on my end. Im always here if you need anything." Thats completely supportive and looking out for your son more than anything. Keep that your focus. I understand its incredibly difficult thinking/knowing she's seeing someone else but the only thing you can control is how you handle that information. At some point if it gets serious you have every right to ask her if you could meet him one day when you're picking up or dropping off your son. Its not unreasonable for a father to want to make sure the man his mother is dating isn't a psycho or abusive. Although it might be even tougher finding out he's a great guy who is a positive role model, at the end of the day, thats what you want so that your son has positive adult figures setting the right example for him as he grows up.
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It won't make any difference. Don't do it... 1
thejabberwocky Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 No you should not send that and I think it's ridiculous that you're claiming she only straightened her hair to sleep with someone else. The ONLY contact you two should have right now is in regards to your child. Otherwise, do No Contact until you can get to a place emotionally where you're thinking rationally. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 In short, it's a horrible idea. Don't send it. She can date whomever she wants now, as much as that hurts. It's none of your business who she's in bed with. Having said that, I do agree that you have a right to request that she not introduce her new man to your son yet. That's about all you can and should discuss with her. The rest of that message is useless, and I don't see how getting confirmation of cheating or seeing someone else is going to benefit you.
Luke22 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Don't send it. Even if you received confirmation, it'll only set you back and create more questions. I asked. My ex was distant at the start of the summer. During a conversation, she admitted that she was seeing someone for four weeks. Some time passed and I brought it up again. She told me it was actually 2 months. The last we spoke, she casually mentioned that she was going to break up with him (that meant she's been seeing him for three months +). It hurt the first time. As time went on and I asked more questions, it sent me into a hurtful spiral when the details came out. It hurt me, set me way back (ended up in tears, and I don't cry) and it created dozens of more questions. I finally let it go. I don't want to know anymore. It's over. As each day passes, I'm better. If I were to hear about how I was cheated on, how good looking he was, blah blah... it would only set me back. IMHO, don't ask. You'll hurt yourself and it won't help your healing process. Learn from my mistake.
coryreply Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 What happened, dude? Did you send it last night or what?
Author disbelief Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 unfortunately i did. just more denial. she says hes just a friend she can talk to because she doesn't have any female friends, which is also bull****. she also says that all guys are *******s but yet hes a friend she can talk to? how about me? the father of your child? cant talk to me? she says she just really needs to work on her broken self and be alone one day,and then another day she says we need to see other people, lol. i guess i just have to be done fighting for this family. her story is scattered all over the place, maybe she is messed up, who knows.
Seth0194 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Have as little dealings as you can with her, you think it will make you feel better, trust me it wont. Work on healing yourself.
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