Aliastyler Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hi all, So my sons mom broke things off before he was born. I was luckily still at the hospital holding her hand when he came into this world at 3pm on a gorgeous Friday. Well at the time I had become hooked to pain killers and would only spend money on them and any kind of want I had was fixed by getting them. Needless to say I barely did anything for my then pregnant gf. I look back and realized why she would be frustrated with me still. I took them to cope with how she acted in the start. She would talk to her ex even put his name as a girls name and at times would bluntly tell me she was taking to him. Reason I stuck through it was in part the pills bc they numbed me and we had a house fairly soon. Her grandparents had a spare house which I paid the bills for. Well that slowly stopped and looking back I see now she truly loved me when she was pregnant. I always doubted her love until she was crying in front of her mom and I about how much she loved me and how I needed to quit. I just couldn't at the time. Wasn't ready. So a month after my son was born I finally was able to quit and have been clean since early this year. I'm 9 hours away now bc after she moved 2 hours away to her family I moved 5 hours away in the other direction to be near my family for support when I was getting clean. She visited me once with my son and it was such an amazing time to hold him hell even changing his diaper Well 7 months later and it's been rocky. I'm blocked on all her Social media yet her ex that she talked to in the start is now back on her fb and insta. He is in another state and is taken but he has said he would leave his gf for my ex at anytime before at least with a diff gf he had. So my sons mother can block the father of her son but add the ex. Now she hasn't pursued any guys as she is now a single mom working and raising our son but idk if that's why or not. For a month I had to communicate with her mother just to be able to FaceTime and see my son. We talked last night on the phone for the longest since our breakup. She said she was upset that I hadn't seen my son but yet before I was told I wouldn't be able to see him so don't bother driving there. She is mad I haven't relocated to where she is to be closer to them. Which I want to believe me but its harder than it seems which she is either ignorant about or doesn't care. But she states I'd have to be 100% supporting myself bc we wouldn't be more than parents. I love her and my son and want to be a family. She said she found God and forgave me but her actions say otherwise. So although she says just parents I think once I show her I'm clean and that I am going to be there for my son that it could bring back the Sparks. I used to be all talk no action so who knows. I am in between places and have the money to get an apt where I'm at but something is holding me from getting w place. The lease which makes me think it be that much longer before I could live near my son. I've applied for jobs in her area and I had to start over money wise due to my prior addiction so I don't have much saved just yet. I used to send her money every paycheck $200-$250. Which is more than child support but she has told me since April that she filed for it so I stopped sending the money last month in preparation of being slapped with child support money on top of it. Well she tells me last night I'm slacking and haven't sent money etc and I said bc I can't afford child support and sending $200 on top of it. She then tells me she hasn't filed child support just opened the case and isn't going to make me back pay. So she is pissed bc I haven't sent money bc I'm thinking I'm getting hit with child support and yet she never told me she hadn't file so kinda dumb in my book. Figured she would tel me she hasn't filed so I would send money. Although I could be walking into a trap and get screwed. Any advice on getting a second chance? Or improve my chances of being more than just parents down the road? I made a mistake but I've fixed that part and have been trying to find a way to get back in good with her. I told her I was coming next weekend to visit and she said that would be fine only for her later to say next weekend would be bad bc Her gma bday party is sat. I'm close to her family although they are upset with me bc the previous addiction so idk when I'd see my son. She said she wants me to come see him more than anything and that's why she is so bitter yet I say I'll come and then her passive aggressive side comes out. I'm afraid if I wait longer that I'll be starting a new job that I've been interviewing for and applying for over a year so I can't afford to just take off during the 4 week training period. Which means it's even longer before I can see them and which makes her more bitter. Help please Thank you Sincerely a young confused single father.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 1) Get a parenting plan / file for custody (if you don't have one) 2) Stop sending money. Division of child support will contact you if she filed for support. Not having backpay? Not likely, although possible I think. 3) Every time you show up / ask to have him (with no custody/plan in force, this is required.) and are denied the ability to see him, call the non-emergency hotline and file a complaint that your child is being withheld from you. Document each and every offense. 4) File for custody (this takes a while, hence why its #1), showing each and every time you were denied access to your child. Make sure to file for full custody. 5) Odds are, you'll win 50/50 custody. As much as I would love to 'rekindle' the spark I had with my child's mother, it's not going to happen in my life. I've accepted that now. As much as you may believe you'll get your family back, you must be willing to accept the consequences of your actions (which resulted in the family breaking up). Long story short. Get access to your child, and worry about him, not her. If she wants you back, she'll make it known. Her actions tell you that you may just need to accept the consequences of your life choices and do the best you can do. This is where a lot of men end up. Don't worry, you're not alone....as if there's any solace in knowing that. Good luck.
LifeNomad Posted September 21, 2015 Posted September 21, 2015 whenever u give her money give her a money order to keep proof if its not a mandated child support. I don't know if it will actually help but several people have told me its best to do it with a money order, not even a signedd letter from her saying u gave her cash is recommended. Ive thought about what would happen if my ex moved away with the kids, I would do everything I could to stop her (through court lawyers etc) but if it came down to it, I would probably move also to be closer to them. As far as getting a second chance, honestly, you gotta take the biggest risk and it going to be a pain in the butt, moving closer is the only way, What I would do in yoru situation is let her know you wanna be closer and maybe ask her where is a good place/city/neighborhood. If she suggests a different city 30 miles away it probably means she don't want u too close, but if she suggests "oh hey an apt right next to mine opened up" then I would take it as a good sign. not many people will understand reasoning to this, but you might, I used to be an alcoholic man I stopped when it was too late as well, im a completely different person now, I feel it 100%, it like I was gone and now IM BACK! I am ready to live! and breath free, that's how I feel inside, but on the outside to everyone else your the same, you look the same, you seem the same, your the same person. Only actions can truly show them, only what you do on the outside, in your case taking action. its a big risk, if you do it go in hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Just my opinion, id rather look back and know I did what I could, rather than regret what I could've done but didn't.
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