Healthyme Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hi-- I'm very new to this site. I googled the three words "ending affair depression" and this showed up in the results. I made the very hard decision to end a 16-month affair with a married man (I am also married) on Sunday. I sent a very thoughtful, detailed email to him with all of my reasons. He was very blindsided by the news, but realizes that the roller coaster of emotions I've been experiencing are not good for me and he does not like being the cause of those feelings. I wrote myself a little note right after we exchanged our "last contact" email, congratulating myself and telling myself that I'd done the right thing, that I was the bigger person, that it was a necessary step to regain my equilibrium, etc. All sounds good, right? So why do I feel absolutely horrible. I feel devastated and can think of nothing else. We'd been texting using the Wickr app and I weakened on Monday night and sent him a text telling him that I needed a little more closure and could we have another conversation (through texting). Fortunately for me, he did not respond. I think he took me at my word when I said that I wanted no more contact. I checked repeatedly that day to see if there was a response and was finally so disgusted with myself, I terminated my Wickr account once and for all. We met on Ashley Madison and fell very hard for each other. Just three months after meeting, he was proclaiming his love for me, etc. Even though I went into the affair just for sex initially and the accompanying adrenalin, I grew increasingly fond of him. I would say that his marriage is unhappier than mine, but he had a stronger sense of wanting to stay in it regardless. Throughout our time together though, he repeatedly mentioned scenarios about us in the future, describing our life together, etc. I began to get very sucked into his fantasy world and seriously considered leaving my marriage. The last time we were together, however, he made a simple mention of planning to plant trees at his house and the realization hit me so hard that he had no intention of ever leaving his wife, or his house for that matter. He was actually nesting. Our affair had consisted of daily texting for 2-3 hours, meeting for a meal or drink once or twice a week, and meeting at a hotel for 3-4 hours 3 or 4 times a month. Closer to two years ago, I had an affair with another person on AM (Ashley Madison). That relationship was discovered by my husband and he was distraught. The discovery turned him into a wreck, and we went through months of his upset and retributions and character assassinations of me. Our mistake was not going to marriage counseling after that discovery. My husband did start IC because he thought he must have been somewhat responsible for my affair. All to say, the knowledge of the affair reduced him to a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him. I couldn't handle the new side of him and I turned to AM again, meeting the person I describe in the first part of this post. Shortly before I realized that the second affair was going nowhere, my H and I decided to start marriage therapy. We have been just twice and part of my impetus for ending the affair was that I didn't want to go to therapy while actively involved with someone else. My dilemma comes in part from whether I should reveal the second, much more serious A to my husband in therapy, or should I just go along with the shared knowledge of the first affair, which was much less significant than my more recent relationship, for which I am in serious mourning. I am leaning toward concealing it bc I think it would just cause him more pain. I am having a hard time right now in the aftermath of ending a relationship that had really taken over my life for more than a year. I guess I would like input on that decision as well as some support for not contacting my AP. It's very tough to part suddenly with a person I had shared so much with for 16 months. On the one hand I am grateful I had the wherewithal to end it, while on the other hand I am dying to see him again. We both have season football tickets to the university team in our town, and as fate will have it, they are in the same section, albeit 12 rows apart. So this Saturday, I will see him walk down past my row with his wife, while I watch the game with my husband. I am trying to rekindle some of my connection with my husband, though it's very difficult. I had transferred almost all of my love and desire to my AP. Thank you for any input.
qubist Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hi-- I'm very new to this site. I googled the three words "ending affair depression" and this showed up in the results. I made the very hard decision to end a 16-month affair with a married man (I am also married) on Sunday. I sent a very thoughtful, detailed email to him with all of my reasons. He was very blindsided by the news, but realizes that the roller coaster of emotions I've been experiencing are not good for me and he does not like being the cause of those feelings. I wrote myself a little note right after we exchanged our "last contact" email, congratulating myself and telling myself that I'd done the right thing, that I was the bigger person, that it was a necessary step to regain my equilibrium, etc. All sounds good, right? So why do I feel absolutely horrible. I feel devastated and can think of nothing else. We'd been texting using the Wickr app and I weakened on Monday night and sent him a text telling him that I needed a little more closure and could we have another conversation (through texting). Fortunately for me, he did not respond. I think he took me at my word when I said that I wanted no more contact. I checked repeatedly that day to see if there was a response and was finally so disgusted with myself, I terminated my Wickr account once and for all. We met on Ashley Madison and fell very hard for each other. Just three months after meeting, he was proclaiming his love for me, etc. Even though I went into the affair just for sex initially and the accompanying adrenalin, I grew increasingly fond of him. I would say that his marriage is unhappier than mine, but he had a stronger sense of wanting to stay in it regardless. Throughout our time together though, he repeatedly mentioned scenarios about us in the future, describing our life together, etc. I began to get very sucked into his fantasy world and seriously considered leaving my marriage. The last time we were together, however, he made a simple mention of planning to plant trees at his house and the realization hit me so hard that he had no intention of ever leaving his wife, or his house for that matter. He was actually nesting. Our affair had consisted of daily texting for 2-3 hours, meeting for a meal or drink once or twice a week, and meeting at a hotel for 3-4 hours 3 or 4 times a month. Closer to two years ago, I had an affair with another person on AM (Ashley Madison). That relationship was discovered by my husband and he was distraught. The discovery turned him into a wreck, and we went through months of his upset and retributions and character assassinations of me. Our mistake was not going to marriage counseling after that discovery. My husband did start IC because he thought he must have been somewhat responsible for my affair. All to say, the knowledge of the affair reduced him to a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him. I couldn't handle the new side of him and I turned to AM again, meeting the person I describe in the first part of this post. Shortly before I realized that the second affair was going nowhere, my H and I decided to start marriage therapy. We have been just twice and part of my impetus for ending the affair was that I didn't want to go to therapy while actively involved with someone else. My dilemma comes in part from whether I should reveal the second, much more serious A to my husband in therapy, or should I just go along with the shared knowledge of the first affair, which was much less significant than my more recent relationship, for which I am in serious mourning. I am leaning toward concealing it bc I think it would just cause him more pain. I am having a hard time right now in the aftermath of ending a relationship that had really taken over my life for more than a year. I guess I would like input on that decision as well as some support for not contacting my AP. It's very tough to part suddenly with a person I had shared so much with for 16 months. On the one hand I am grateful I had the wherewithal to end it, while on the other hand I am dying to see him again. We both have season football tickets to the university team in our town, and as fate will have it, they are in the same section, albeit 12 rows apart. So this Saturday, I will see him walk down past my row with his wife, while I watch the game with my husband. I am trying to rekindle some of my connection with my husband, though it's very difficult. I had transferred almost all of my love and desire to my AP. Thank you for any input. I don't know why you would go to marriage therapy, Obviously you have no idea what marriage therapy is about. you need a personal therapy for yourself you are a serial cheater. you need to find out why and help yourself before you put yourself in a position to discuss your marriage 2
Clay Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Please divorce your Husband. Let him go find real love. Stay in counceling. C 10
pondhawk Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 All to say, the knowledge of the affair reduced him to a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him. I couldn't handle the new side of him and I turned to AM again, meeting the person I describe in the first part of this post. Let's rephrase that: All to say, my actions have caused my husband to now be a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him because he thought he had a loving devoted wife. I couldn't handle my crushed, devastated, distraught husband and I turned to AM again...... You stated you wanted some encouragement to stay away from MM and remain in NC? Tell yourself you no longer want to be a selfish person. Tell yourself it's time to grow up and gain character. Remind yourself that in a marriage it's not all about you. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm stating facts. Can I ask why you want to be married? Why not divorce and behave like a single person? 4
Marc878 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Marriage is based on trust and honesty. You'll never reconcile with this elephant in the room. You either tell him and try to reconcile or move on and quit wasting both of your lives. I would think at this point it's pretty much hopeless but anything can Change. But you would have years of hard work ahead of you and I don't see you putting yourself into it. 1
jbrent890 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 OP, you have a few 2x4's coming your way, so I apologize if I sound harsh. Listen, there is so much wrong in your story that I don't even know where to begin. First things first, the fact that you were on AM means that you were out looking to cheat on your husband. You can't hide behind the "it just happened" excuse. That really does say a lot about how you view him and your marriage. Not only that, you saw the hurt that you put your husband through and you decided to SEEK out another affair on AM. I honestly can't even believe the audacity. There are WWs out there that would kill for a second chance at fixing their marriages and you just tossed yours away. But the most disturbing thing about your post is that you are coming off as resentful at the fact that your husband didn't trust you and was angry at you after your first affair. I have been on these sites a long time and this is a first for me. In terms of what you should do, you and I both know you are not going to confess. The best thing that you could do is leave your husband. He deserves so much better and you really aren't up to give that to him. Don't keep him in this charade of a marriage any longer. You have done enough to that man. I'm sorry that you are not getting the support that you are looking for. In my opinion, this thread is going to anger a lot of posters on this site. 2
drifter777 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Not contacting your AP? It's hard to ask for positive acknowledgement for NOT doing something that is wrong. Having an affair is the most hurtful, selfish, immature thing a person can do to their spouse. For Christ's sake - divorce this poor man before you kill him. And don't tell him about this second affair as there is no need for further pain. Just leave and tell him he's much better off without you. At least that part will be truthful. 1
malvern99 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Closer to two years ago, I had an affair with another person on AM (Ashley Madison). That relationship was discovered by my husband and he was distraught. The discovery turned him into a wreck, and we went through months of his upset and retributions and character assassinations of me. Our mistake was not going to marriage counseling after that discovery. My husband did start IC because he thought he must have been somewhat responsible for my affair. All to say, the knowledge of the affair reduced him to a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him. I couldn't handle the new side of him and I turned to AM again, meeting the person I describe in the first part of this post. The logic in this paragraph is priceless. You stab your BH in the back and then wonder why he behaves like he is afraid to be stabbed in the back again. I've seen people in the fog before, and this aint it. I don't know what this is. I refuse to believe those words would come from a sane adult. Shortly before I realized that the second affair was going nowhere, my H and I decided to start marriage therapy. We have been just twice and part of my impetus for ending the affair was that I didn't want to go to therapy while actively involved with someone else. My dilemma comes in part from whether I should reveal the second, much more serious A to my husband in therapy, or should I just go along with the shared knowledge of the first affair, which was much less significant than my more recent relationship, for which I am in serious mourning. I am leaning toward concealing it bc I think it would just cause him more pain. I am having a hard time right now in the aftermath of ending a relationship that had really taken over my life for more than a year. I guess I would like input on that decision as well as some support for not contacting my AP. It's very tough to part suddenly with a person I had shared so much with for 16 months. On the one hand I am grateful I had the wherewithal to end it, while on the other hand I am dying to see him again. We both have season football tickets to the university team in our town, and as fate will have it, they are in the same section, albeit 12 rows apart. So this Saturday, I will see him walk down past my row with his wife, while I watch the game with my husband. I am trying to rekindle some of my connection with my husband, though it's very difficult. I had transferred almost all of my love and desire to my AP. Thank you for any input. Why? Seriously, why even bother with MC? Best advice is to let your H go and work on yourself (intensive IC). Tell him the truth before you do though. The least you could do for him now is let him exactly why his "marriage" is ending. Hopefully, he will find someone in the future who knows what to love and honor someone is. Good luck to you. 3
autumnnight Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I usually try to help WW's because, well, they get quite the roasting. But just about all you have done RIGHT is go NC. TWO AM affairs, and you are surprised and disgusted your BH became insecure after the first one? You destroyed his world. I want you to answer this honestly: How do you feel about your serial cheating, and who do you believe is responsible? 1
dental Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 if there is an ounce of empathy in your system, immediately set your husband free. You've destroyed his life and your life. Happiness might loom on his horizon when he detoxes from you. You, I get a bit down with the outlook of your life now and in the near future. I have very little hope, I'm afraid. 1
Horton Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 My husband did start IC because he thought he must have been somewhat responsible for my affair. I hope you set him straight about that. All to say, the knowledge of the affair reduced him to a very insecure, needy person, traits I hadn't seen before in him. I couldn't handle the new side of him and I turned to AM again, meeting the person I describe in the first part of this post. That's a very odd way to react to somebody you've hurt so badly. Shortly before I realized that the second affair was going nowhere, my H and I decided to start marriage therapy. We have been just twice and part of my impetus for ending the affair was that I didn't want to go to therapy while actively involved with someone else. Well that is commendable, you did the right thing in that regard. My dilemma comes in part from whether I should reveal the second, much more serious A to my husband in therapy, or should I just go along with the shared knowledge of the first affair, which was much less significant than my more recent relationship, for which I am in serious mourning. I am leaning toward concealing it bc I think it would just cause him more pain. I am having a hard time right now in the aftermath of ending a relationship that had really taken over my life for more than a year. Of course you will have to reveal the second affair(and any other affairs) if you want to have anything but a sham marriage of convenience. Your husband is gonna be very hurt, but it's wrong to make his life decisions for him, he's a grown man and he should be the one to decide if he wants to fix this marriage or not, armed with the full extent of what you've done. Anything less than that is just a continuation of the same selfishness that led you here. I guess I would like input on that decision as well as some support for not contacting my AP. It's very tough to part suddenly with a person I had shared so much with for 16 months. On the one hand I am grateful I had the wherewithal to end it, while on the other hand I am dying to see him again. Normally I would say that confessing the affair and seeing the utter devastation of the person that loves you the most in this world would be a good way of tainting all of those stolen moments with the AP and refocusing your thoughts on your husband where they belong, but apparently that's not the case with you. So I don't know what to tell you on that one, so I'll just reiterate the importance of complete transparency with your husband and full NC with the OM. 1
m.snow Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 if you really wanted to find someone else. i suggest you dont look for them in AM. a majority of them are there for STA. clearly this OM wants to stay with his OMW. planting tree's and all. you just heard what you wanted. fog maybe? somehow you have fallen out of love with your BH. its time to leave and file for D. I suggest that you tell your bh the truth. Have you told your counselor?
TX-SC Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Marriage is not just two people living together. It's a bond and a commitment. You seem to be incapable of monogamy. It's not unheard of. Lots of people are polyamorous and incapable of being with just one person. You need to divorce your husband, assuming he is monogamous, and move on to a poly relationship. At this point I'm going to go against the concensus here and say don't tell him about affair #2. Just tell him that you need to work on yourself and you just don't want to be married. He can save a little dignity and he can then move on to someone else. Simply put, you don't need to be in MC. You should certainly seek IC, and you should be honest in counseling about what you have done. You may be a sex addict, or maybe just incapable of settling down. Either way, divorce and feel free to screw the whole city if you want to. 1
harrybrown Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Have you ever had anyone cheat on you? You have no idea of the pain you have given your H. Write him a timeline of both affairs. File for divorce and send a copy of your affair timeline to both of your APs to their wives. Then you and your AP will not have to go thru the pain of NC. You will be free to be together with each other. Your AP will know that you both have an open marriage. So you will not need to worry about hiding your affairs. You will be free to do as you please, but you will hopefully stop destroying others in the process. Think about it, with the truth out there, you could stop the NC. Give it a try, what could it hurt? (not you, but may hurt your H). You have already destroyed him, so tell him the truth and send him on his way. In the long run, he will be better off. Hopefully in a few years he may get over some of the pain.
Bryanp Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Just a quick question. How would you feel if your husband has been having two long term affairs behind your back and putting you health at risk for STD's and making your marriage a farce? How would you feel if after forgiving your husband for a first sexual affair he then engaged in another 16 month sexual affair behind your back again because his first affair made you feel insecure so he felt he therefore needed to engage in another sexual affair? What is wrong with this picture? 1
ShatteredLady Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Are you going on AM & having these affairs because you want to leave your husband but you don't want to do it alone? If the recent guy hadn't been planting trees but instead seeing a divorce lawyer would you be doing the same? I'll be honest. I find your behavior deplorable. Particularly after seeing the complete & utter devastation you caused the first time. It appears so cold. Do you foster a lot of pain & anger for your H? Are you trying to punish him for something? I ask because your attitude seems to be so very different from many WS. You say the 2nd affair was a result of your H's character change after his world was shattered. Will you say why you first went looking on AM? There are many other sites. I thought people chose AM because they DIDN'T want anything serious. They wanted other 'safe' randy spouces to play with. We're you just bored & curious? Why did you want an affair in the first place? How old are you? How long have you been married for? Do you have children? Have you always found monogamy hard or is this a reaction to specific things in your marriage? Is this your first marriage? Sorry for all the questions. I find this interesting & disturbing. Although I don't believe in excuses for affairs I do think they can be symptomatic of personal or marital damage in some situations. I can't tell if you're lacking compassion & empathy or if you're waging war on your marriage. 2
road Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Concealing the truth and going to MC is counterproductive, a waste of time. Your BH needs and deserves the whole truth. Start there first. 3
Author Healthyme Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Wow Honestly thank you everyone. I reread my thread and completely understand how I could have come across this way. It's a pretty painful assessment of my behavior and I truly had not seen myself in such a harsh light. Lots to think about. I realize now I've had such an entitled attitude. 1
Celestial-dreamer Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Wow, just....wow. Is this real? You had an A, destroyed your H in the process, then because YOUR behaviour caused a change in him, you went and looked for another A? What is wrong with you? Seriously! Most women would love to have a loving faithful H, specially one who already forgave the 1st A, but you just keep ripping his heart out and dancing all over it. Your cruel, selfish and your H deserves far better than you. What do you get from being so deceitful, cruel, and actually WANTING to betray your H? There isn't one ounce of remorse in your post whatsoever. Nothing about all the pain you caused your H other than to say it basically annoyed you, how YOU had to endure HIS pain. As I said, WOW. Your just heartless. It's all about YOU. Entitled attitude? you only just noticed? Pull the other one, you KNOW who you are, and you ENJOY doing it. It's quite disturbing tbh. You need to confess A 2, give your poor suffering H the D he needs so he can find a woman who will love him, then get to work on yourself STAT. 1
autumnnight Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Here is what I would suggest: Look at your choices honestly and take full responsibility without tying them to any marriage issues OR your H Humbly confess the full truth to your husband Become completely transparent with your husband Consider a very good behavior-oriented IC Focus on doing whatever your husband needs to be able to heal if he chooses to stay
Artie Lang Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 well, I'll go ahead and say it- you're a serial cheater. seems like you like the thrill of going behind your husbands back, as well as garnering the attention of strange men on AM. should you disclose your most recent affair... of course you should. will you actually go through with it... i highly doubt it. don't really have more to say , unless you come clean and start being honest with all involved. 1
Dwade Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Tell him so he can divorce you. He needs a real woman who will love and appreciate him.
nightmare01 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I HOPE this is a troll. God help humanity if people actually are this callous, awful, sociopathic, and just plain evil. To hurt someone - someone you have promised to love and remain faithful to - hurt them in the absolute worst way possible. Then when this person shows his devastation, you think - eh, how inconvenient this guy is, how unmanly is his crying in pain. I think I'll go hurt him again. I hope you are a troll because I would hate to think that any human being could behave the way you say you have. 1
Popsicle Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Your husband was a fool for staying with you after the first time, he should have left you then. Since he is not strong enough to leave you, why don't you do him a favor and leave him? 1
ShatteredLady Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Nightmare01. Is a "Troll" someone who makes-up false stories just to illicit an angry response on the forum? Someone who writes things just to annoy other members? If the OP is genuine I hope this is the HUGE wake-up call. Your behavior & attitude presented here are THAT shocking that the members of an INFIDELITY FORUM doubt if it's a true story. PLEASE! Do you have children?
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