NursieGirl Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Hi all, There's this guy who I really like and who likes me. He does however have a gf. However, his reasons for staying with the gf are odd IMHO. He does really have ZERO self-esteem and said these things: 1. he is always a stepping stone in relationships 2. he doesn't think he could ever get a gf who he would really like 3. i asked him if he would marry his gf and he said "i would marry a girl like her who would put up w/me" and he also said that he thought she is the only one who would marry him-- they have only been together 18 months and she already has a pre-engagement ring, and they live together, but he has liked ME for 10 of those months!?!?!; he said that getting together w/me would be "too good to be true" ??? 4. he said that he would stay w/her because she has been with him through some hard times (he was very depressed) even though he is not happy w/her and would rather be w/me 5. he is afraid to be alone 6. he is afraid that i won't like him anymore once i get to know him better (the gf even told him that this was true!?) 7. he knows her limitations, and he doesn't know mine Strange reasons to stay with someone, or valid reasons!?!??!!?!? ????????
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. Period. Right now he is giving you all these reasons to stay with her that make him sound like some poor victim of a hopeless trap of a relationship, but he isn't telling you all of the reasons. He is leaving out the stuff that you don't want to hear: If he didn't love her and want to be with her on some level he wouldn't be there. Even if the emotions are flatlined - I expect the relationship is tolerable enough to stay, and ending it would be an inconvenient hassle. This guy is basically telling you that being with you is not worth the discomfort or inconvenience he would suffer as a result of the breakup with his girlfriend. I have no doubt he likes you and wants to be with you, but right now when it comes to making a choice - his emotional investment in this girl outweighs the emotional investment he has in you, so he is choosing her. The excuses are just supposed to take some of the heat off of him for making that conscious choice. I expect he knows that if tells you the absolute truth behind why he is staying, he knows he may lose what little he has with you. So... he tells you want you want to hear in order to keep you around, even if it is in some limited fashion. If you want to see the depth of this guy's 'love' for you, offer to go over and talk with his girlfriend about how much he would rather be with you, and help her get some counseling in order to handle the breakup: basically offer to "free him" from the "trap". I expect his reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.
Marshbear Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 To many excuses. He is side-stepping you. If she is really THAT bad why wouldn't he leave her when he knows you like him also? Think about that. He isn't leaving because he likes something about her more than his desire to be with you. Find another BF. He isn't worth your time. Peace...
HokeyReligions Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 RUN!!! Let the other girl have him. Find someone with some self-esteem for yourself. Don't be intoxicated by being on a pedestal he designed---it WILL crumble! RUN!!
sarah12 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Looks to me like he's not one for the risk-taking. The only thing that stands between you and the girlfriend is that with her, he knows where she stands and that she'll stay with him no matter what, through thick and thin. With you, it's a toss-up. While he has strong feelings for you no doubt, he doesn't know where you stand with him, if you'll be there for him through rough times. He needs a girl who will give him the security that he needs, where no matter what he does, she won't leave. He knows that he's the leader in the relationship, i.e. he could do better than her if he wanted to, but she is so insecure herself that she can do no better than to stick with him. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about these kinds of guys until they get their wake up call one day when it'll probably be too late. If he marries this girl, it's a divorce waiting to happen and he'll be calling you up when it does. Leave him alone and let him do his thing so he knows what life is like without you, and how miserable he is with the girlfriend. Life's to short to waste time wanting someone who has someone else. Time will tell if you're meant to be together later on, but in the meantime, find someone who will give you his whole heart, and not half of it.
RecordProducer Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Women have this problem of NOT believing guys what they say. If he says there are things to put up with in a relationship with him, you should believe him. You only know about a few of his faults like his depression and cheating. He IS a cheater, ya know? That makes him a liar too. Plus he either has low self-esteem or is really not worthwhile. Some people are aware of their faults. It doesn't mean he is right about being with her and maybe he is with her for the wrong reasons, but that is not your problem. He chose her, not you for whatever reason. You are trying to persuade him (or yourself) that his reasons are not valid. And you want us to support your theory. My ex BF thought I was the right one for him and that he was the right one for me, but somehow I couldn't see it. He even knew why I couldn't see it, but tried hard to convince me that I would be so happy with him. But I know I would never be happy with him, because of so many (for me) valid reasons. I simply cannot accept his faults. Sometimes we see things from different points. You have only seen him at his best. She has seen him at his worst.
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