jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Long story short: 10 years ago we met through friends. She was a month off a LTR of 5 years. I was a month off a LTR of 3 years. We hooked up a few times over the course of a month and a half and for some reason (me not wanting a GF maybe) I stopped talking with her for 2 weeks. After that I decided to contact her again and the hookups continued. It was basically a casual relationship that reallt only involved going to the bar and sex. Nothing else really. So we were doing this dance for 3 months ( with the 2 week break in the middle)...She goes to a wedding for a weekend. I drop her off at the airport and pick her up. Nothing happened with us that night which I thought was weird. She comes over the next day and said she slept with an ex of her's twice over that weekend. He wasnt really an ex but a guy that was always around for 5 years or so. She actually told me that before I came around she was going to move to his city to be with him. She had a long history with him and a short one with me. So anyways, I decided to take a week off and mull things over. I know we werent official but it still bothered me. She was honest right after the fact and said she regretted what she did and felt sick that entire week. I called her up after the week, said there couldnt be any contact with him and we both decided to be exclusive. 1 month later we moved in. 6 months later we were engaged and a year later we were married. Fast forward 6 years and 2 kids later. We were in a rough spot and our marriage was not good. I found a search history on our computer that she looked him up on facebook along with a few other exs. Even though she said she never contacted him I was furious. I was going to leave. We went to a councellor and things were just Ok after that. That was 2 years ago. Recently I decided to make our marriage better. Things have been really good the past 4 months but I still cant shake the facebook search and it brings back that whole rocky stretch when we began. She tells me she has been faithful since we decided to be exclusive 10 years ago but I still cant let it go. Am I crazy??
GorillaTheater Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Am I crazy?? Maybe. Maybe not. It all comes down to her intent, which you may never get a good handle on. I've looked up exes on FB before, but it was random curiosity to see what they did with their lives, in the same way I've looked up old friends and so forth. That's to say there could be an innocent explanation. I might lean that way in this case if she didn't reach out to any of these guys in any way. Then, of course, it may not be innocent at all.
Bigdaddyt Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Long story short: 10 years ago we met through friends. She was a month off a LTR of 5 years. I was a month off a LTR of 3 years. We hooked up a few times over the course of a month and a half and for some reason (me not wanting a GF maybe) I stopped talking with her for 2 weeks. After that I decided to contact her again and the hookups continued. It was basically a casual relationship that reallt only involved going to the bar and sex. Nothing else really. So we were doing this dance for 3 months ( with the 2 week break in the middle)...She goes to a wedding for a weekend. I drop her off at the airport and pick her up. Nothing happened with us that night which I thought was weird. She comes over the next day and said she slept with an ex of her's twice over that weekend. He wasnt really an ex but a guy that was always around for 5 years or so. She actually told me that before I came around she was going to move to his city to be with him. She had a long history with him and a short one with me. So anyways, I decided to take a week off and mull things over. I know we werent official but it still bothered me. She was honest right after the fact and said she regretted what she did and felt sick that entire week. I called her up after the week, said there couldnt be any contact with him and we both decided to be exclusive. 1 month later we moved in. 6 months later we were engaged and a year later we were married. Fast forward 6 years and 2 kids later. We were in a rough spot and our marriage was not good. I found a search history on our computer that she looked him up on facebook along with a few other exs. Even though she said she never contacted him I was furious. I was going to leave. We went to a councellor and things were just Ok after that. That was 2 years ago. Recently I decided to make our marriage better. Things have been really good the past 4 months but I still cant shake the facebook search and it brings back that whole rocky stretch when we began. She tells me she has been faithful since we decided to be exclusive 10 years ago but I still cant let it go. Am I crazy?? JH21, No you are not crazy. You just never got over this pain and your wife looking up the OM triggered your buried pain. Don't do anything rash that you will regret, tell her how it makes you feel and tell her that she needs to make you feel safe and loved. I had a psychiatrist and tell me that when you bury things when you're younger you trip over the tombstones when you are older.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Not sure why or how you'd expect fidelity at the time knowing the relationship "only involved going to the bar and sex"? She also told you everything and you married her knowing about the ex. I've searched for ex's amongst other old friends and acquaintances and I'm happily married. Wouldn't have an issue if my wife did the same. I'm sure there'll be some dissenting voices, but to me it seems as though you're trying to rewrite history for your own reasons. Why would that be??? Mr. Lucky 1
Winterina Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 You are not crazy but you are definitely making a big deal out of the fact she looked up some exes on FB. If this is the biggest problem you have then you have no problems at all. I do not know why SHE did that, and only she can tell you that. What I can tell you is that - I looked up my ex when I wanted to see if our cat was still alive and if he after all decided to come out as a gay or still go for women... - I looked up the other one just because we spent 7 years together and we broke up on friendly terms and just to see what he was up to - pure curiosity... - I looked up another one because I wanted to see that his life was a pile of poop because he was a sociopath...I hoped he got what he deserved and from the looks of things I think he did. It does not have to mean that she looked up his exes up because she has feelings, or wants to get back, or would ever want to get back with any of them... It is the same when you look up a friend from childhood in my case. Even if we ended up on the same island and one of them was the last man on the planet nothing would happen. She might be like that too. People are usually just curious. 1
qubist Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Searching for Exs out of curiosity is IMO not bad, I suggest you keep being honest with her about how you feel hopefully she would consider it and stop lurking around 1
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Maybe. Maybe not. It all comes down to her intent, which you may never get a good handle on. I've looked up exes on FB before, but it was random curiosity to see what they did with their lives, in the same way I've looked up old friends and so forth. That's to say there could be an innocent explanation. I might lean that way in this case if she didn't reach out to any of these guys in any way. Then, of course, it may not be innocent at all. Yes, she told me she was just curious and all. I do somewhat believe her and I try hard to trust although for the past 10 years trust has been tough for me because of how we started. The kicker for me is that she searched 3 guys all of whom she chose me over. And I think since we were in a rough patch in our marriage at the time (basically roomates) will she do something like this every time we hit a road bump? It wasnt so much the other 2 guys she searched but the one where she had a weekend fling when we were starting off. That one struck a nerve.
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 JH21, No you are not crazy. You just never got over this pain and your wife looking up the OM triggered your buried pain. Don't do anything rash that you will regret, tell her how it makes you feel and tell her that she needs to make you feel safe and loved. I had a psychiatrist and tell me that when you bury things when you're younger you trip over the tombstones when you are older. I definately did bury it. I never thought about it during the "puppy love" stage but when things got tough with us those old memories sometimes would arise.
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Not sure why or how you'd expect fidelity at the time knowing the relationship "only involved going to the bar and sex"? She also told you everything and you married her knowing about the ex. I've searched for ex's amongst other old friends and acquaintances and I'm happily married. Wouldn't have an issue if my wife did the same. I'm sure there'll be some dissenting voices, but to me it seems as though you're trying to rewrite history for your own reasons. Why would that be??? Mr. Lucky You are right. Part of me wants to go back in time and have a do-over and maybe not get back together. But the other part of me loves our life together (now that things are back the way they were) and we have two great kids. And it was my choice to get back together and become exclusive so how can I walk away now and abandon my family even if I struggle with it every day? As for not expecting her to be with someone else....I think I may have had stronger feelings towards her after I took those 2 weeks off and it took that weekend for her to realize she had stronger feelings for me and to break it off with the other guy. Regardless, it hurt at the time and I never saw it coming even if we were only casual.
Bigdaddyt Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I definately did bury it. I never thought about it during the "puppy love" stage but when things got tough with us those old memories sometimes would arise. Jh21, Unbury it talk to your wife about it, over communicate what you think and feel . Ask her what she wants and why she would do this. That said don't come across as needy and weak , be kind and firm. This is probably nothing to be overly concerned .
fellini Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Wait a second. Are you telling us here that you have NEVER allowed your mind to slip back to thinking about old GF's for any reason what so ever, even just for the pure pleasure of reminiscing? NEVER? You're not even remotely curious alone in your thoughts about old flames? I have never met a guy who didn't do this. Everyone does it. It's natural to be curious about our past, it belongs to us. So I say give women some slack and imagine that sometimes they might do the same. And facebook has made that so much easier to do. Before FB we had only our daydreams. Yes, she told me she was just curious and all. I do somewhat believe her and I try hard to trust although for the past 10 years trust has been tough for me because of how we started. The kicker for me is that she searched 3 guys all of whom she chose me over. And I think since we were in a rough patch in our marriage at the time (basically roomates) will she do something like this every time we hit a road bump? It wasnt so much the other 2 guys she searched but the one where she had a weekend fling when we were starting off. That one struck a nerve. 1
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) Wait a second. Are you telling us here that you have NEVER allowed your mind to slip back to thinking about old GF's for any reason what so ever, even just for the pure pleasure of reminiscing? NEVER? You're not even remotely curious alone in your thoughts about old flames? I have never met a guy who didn't do this. Everyone does it. It's natural to be curious about our past, it belongs to us. So I say give women some slack and imagine that sometimes they might do the same. And facebook has made that so much easier to do. Before FB we had only our daydreams. Yes I have. I have even searched for some. The difference with that is none of those girls were around when I was with my wife or when we were dating. I said earlier she looked up 2 other ex's but that really didnt bother me. It was looking up the ex with whom she had a sexual fling with over a weekend when we were casually dating. She had a major history with that guy and chose me over him but that wouldnt have mattered if I chose not to start a relationship. It's not easy to sluff that off considering that same guy was almost the reason we broke things off 10 years ago. I remember us talking about that weekend and how I was texting her and he would ask "Is that him"? Or how she said she regretted doing it and felt sick to her stomach even though she did it with him twice over the weekend. You would think if she was that sick about it she wouldnt have done it twice no?? I still have mental images in my head about what went on that weekend and I still get sick to my stomach even if we were casually dating or not. So ya, her looking up that same guy no matter the intentions struck a major nerve. Edited September 17, 2015 by jh21
SawtoothMars Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I still have mental images in my head about what went on that weekend and I still get sick to my stomach even if we were casually dating or not. So ya, her looking up that same guy no matter the intentions struck a major nerve. How do you plan to fix this?
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 You are upset because a chick you were casually seeing was also casually seeing someone else...10 years ago? And before you were married or committed to an exclusive relationship? Put that into perspective. If you were graduating college today, would you be upset about your girlfriend from 5th grade kissing some other boy? Because that's how long ago it was. that was a lifetime ago, and everyone has a past. What were YOU doing during that casual period? Sleeping with anyone else? Let it go man. The images of him in her mind ( if she even has any ) are not nearly as vivid as the ones you are making up in yours. Think about your own past dalliances from a decade ago. Do you remember them with all the bright color, intensity and detail as the movies you are creating in your head about your wife? He is a distant memory for her. Perhaps a fond one, but we all have those. 1
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 How do you plan to fix this? Its never been fixed and it probably never will. I made a choice 10 years ago to stop the BS and become exclusive. Its just too bad it happened after that wedding weekend. I rememeber talking about going to that wedding but that would have been a major step in our relationship since we didnt really have a relationship and I truly think she didnt want me to go because she knew he would be there. So anyways, by me making the choice to continue on with a relationship I basically have to eat it and carry on. Im not talking with her about it anymore. I know all I need to know. There is no need to bring it up anymore no matter how muxh it is eating at me. She has been faithfull ever since but for some reason it has been eating at me again more than normal. Probably because our marriage is good again and my guard is down and Im worried about something happening again which I know is not a healthy way of thinking. But for the record, I dont really like thinking about her being intimate with her other BF's either but this one hits home a little more.
Author jh21 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 You are upset because a chick you were casually seeing was also casually seeing someone else...10 years ago? And before you were married or committed to an exclusive relationship? Put that into perspective. If you were graduating college today, would you be upset about your girlfriend from 5th grade kissing some other boy? Because that's how long ago it was. that was a lifetime ago, and everyone has a past. What were YOU doing during that casual period? Sleeping with anyone else? Let it go man. The images of him in her mind ( if she even has any ) are not nearly as vivid as the ones you are making up in yours. Think about your own past dalliances from a decade ago. Do you remember them with all the bright color, intensity and detail as the movies you are creating in your head about your wife? He is a distant memory for her. Perhaps a fond one, but we all have those. I hear ya man. I really do. It sounds crazy but I think this whole time I have had my guard up so in-case anything happened again it wouldn't hurt. And because my guard has been up I have never really trusted her or let it go. Now that Im letting my guard down and trying to fix all those issues Im reminded about what can happen.
qubist Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Its never been fixed and it probably never will. I made a choice 10 years ago to stop the BS and become exclusive. Its just too bad it happened after that wedding weekend. I rememeber talking about going to that wedding but that would have been a major step in our relationship since we didnt really have a relationship and I truly think she didnt want me to go because she knew he would be there. So anyways, by me making the choice to continue on with a relationship I basically have to eat it and carry on. Im not talking with her about it anymore. I know all I need to know. There is no need to bring it up anymore no matter how muxh it is eating at me. She has been faithfull ever since but for some reason it has been eating at me again more than normal. Probably because our marriage is good again and my guard is down and Im worried about something happening again which I know is not a healthy way of thinking. But for the record, I dont really like thinking about her being intimate with her other BF's either but this one hits home a little more. While I believe you are exaggerating I don think you should just eat it up and carry on this could be a sign of insecurity in you part. I suggest you talk to her about what's bothering you ask her new nicely to stay away from his FB page
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I hear ya man. I really do. It sounds crazy but I think this whole time I have had my guard up so in-case anything happened again it wouldn't hurt. And because my guard has been up I have never really trusted her or let it go. Now that Im letting my guard down and trying to fix all those issues Im reminded about what can happen. I totally get it. But that isn't fair to her for you to live like that, and it's not healthy for you. Might you really get hurt someday like most of us here? Yep. Could happen. But walking around in nervous anticipation of it isn't doing you or your marriage any favors. In fact, that's the kind of attitude that practically manifests infidelity. Enjoy the today.
sandylee1 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 It could simply be curiosity. I've done it before and I have absolutely no desire to see those people again. You have to look at this in conjunction with everything else. In isolation, it's not a red flag. However, if there are other problems within the marriage, you need to address them.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Both of the threads you've started are about obsessing over things that happened before the two of you were together as a couple and married. To an outsider, it looks like you are searching for reasons to be angry with your wife and paint yourself as a victim of her actions. If you're doing so in order to leave it's not necessary, I'd just tell her things are not working for you. If you love your wife and are staying married to her, then you're on the wrong track and this investigative paranoia (including reading her journals) only harms both you and the relationship... Mr. Lucky
ShatteredLady Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Have you ever looked at it from a slightly different angle? Maybe that "Wedding weekend" was the BEST thing that ever happened? You were 2 young wild people. She went to the wedding & slept with her ex. That raised all your caveman "My Woman!" jealousy. It made her realize that she's was done with wild & crazy & was ready for something real.... It seems to be the turning point in your relationship that led to marriage, kids, FAMILY!! Be careful. 10 years with little kids can be the stage of a marriage where meaning of life questioning starts & HUGE mistakes happen!
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