Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hello Everyone, I am trying to reach out to all because I am finding it hard for anyone to understand how I feel right now. I am going through a very different kind of relationship. I can give a little background. My friend lives in Atlanta and I live in Kentucky. We used to go to High School together, but really didnt hang out as teens. I am 47 years old right now and he is 48. We connected on Facebook and really hit it off well and have been texting for about a year and a half. When I say texting I mean in the Morning, noon and night before bed. He did come here to Kentucky last year for a visit, be we did not get physical because I dont think either of us felt really comfortable with that because we didnt really know each other that well at that time and we are both a little conservative, didnt want to rush it and he was onky here for 2 days. The problem that I am having now ifs that our communication is starting to dwindle. The last couple of days when I message him it takes a while for him to reply or like, last night when I sent him a message. I said "Is it me or you just dont feel like talking" and he said "Not you, just watching tv, get tired of typing and being on the phone. Too much facebook and Texting. I said Okay, im sorry I will let you relax and then he said Dont be sorry you didnt do anything I just dont feel like talking and trying to keep up with the movie. Thant is just an example of how thing are going. I just dont know how to handle this as I am used to talking to him whenever I wanted and It was never a problem. I miss our conversations and feel so hurt by this. I feel like if he cared he would never act like this. I just dont know what do do and REALLY need some advice. PLEASE
Christos Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 First of all, i am a lot younger than both of you, so the way i see things now may not be the same as yours. But in any case, i will give my opinion on this. At first, your relationship could be mistaken for friendship, but since you mention it in the break up section of this forum, it probably means it was more of an LDR/platonic relationship. The thing is, we men need sex. It is that simple. We need sex. We want sex. If a woman refuses to have sex with us, or avoids it, for any reason, it is a rejection to us. Because if she truly wanted us, she would offer herself to us with no excuses. There is no "we weren't ready" when you talk day and night for one and a half year with someone... You had your emotional needs fullfilled, you obviously can wait on the sex part, especially at your age. But his needs weren't fullfilled. If i was him, i would definitely expect to explore the posibility of having a full relationship with you, including sex. Maybe that's what he had in mind, having sex with you, making the relationship "official", and then maybe even relocating or who knows... You don't talk like that with anyone if you don't expect it to escalate in the future. It is a waste of time. Of both of you. He visited you, saw you didn't want to fullfill his needs, for whatever reason, and decided you aren't worth the "investment". His needs are unfullfilled by you. Men sure, need conversation, but sex is conversation also, and from your part, means a lot more to us than your words... At least, that is how i see it. But, to be perfectly honest, i would never keep such a relationship going for 1 and a half year without sex. Not even 2-3 months. And that's really pushing it. His time could be better spent on another person more likely to end up being totally with him. You just had your needs met, and you didn't once thought about his. He probably just wants to cut his loses and move on, and he doesn't want to do it immediately. He will let your contact fade away.
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 I understand what you are saying, but neither of us initiated sex. We just went out to dinner and spent time together. He has been alone for a long time and is very regimented with his life, he is VERY routine and I think maybe I put a kink in his life and doesnt want to spend the time on a long distance relationship. I just dont want to lose him and just dont know what to do. When I ask, he acts like I am crazy, like nothing i wrong but that he just dont feel like talking at that time. I want to ask him do badly what is wrong, but I really dont know what to say or how to ask withour coming across needy. This is really effecting me right now
PaperCrane Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 What if nothing is wrong and he just doesn't like texting as much recently? 1
EO422 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 what if he really just does not feel like texting so much? leave him be, busy yourself. dot worry about him, he will reply when he can. You should text less during the day now actually and just do a call 1
Christos Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Well, let me ask you this, are you single? Sorry for asking, but it might be important. Also, is there a reason you can't visit each other more often? I don't think his problem is that you changed his routine. If anything, the reason he kept contact with you was to change his routine and loneliness... Also, he probably didn't initiate sex with you because of your behaviour. Most men are not rapists you know, especially at an age when their sex drive is not that strong anyway... Calm down. Don't pressure him. If he continues the trend, offer to meet again. Try to visit him yourself this time. Show him you are open to something more physical, if you are single, there is nothing wrong with it, you might enjoy it too... Offer him something. What you offering isn't enough. I am sorry i am this blunt. But discussing the same things and offering emotional support to someone who won't give you back what you want, gets tiring fast.
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 I miss talking to him and now I dont know when is a good time to talk or message him. I keep thinking in my head that its me he doesnt want to talk to, but he says differently. and that is ripping me apart
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 I am single and so is he. I didnt make a move on him, but he didnt make a move either. I have asked him to come back and he hasnt had time. It is about an 8 hour drive and its too long just for 1 day I guess. I think maybe the long distance between us and he just doesnt thin it will work out, IDK! I am so confused! 1
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 I just want to say to him...I miss you when we dont talk, you are my best friend and I dont know how to feel about it when you dont want to talk to me!!! But of course I dont want to be pushy lol
Christos Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 In my opinion, you either have to make some sacrifices for your relationship, or you have to let it take its course. If you aren't both willing to find some better solutions to the distance problem, and make some opportunities to be together so you can improve your relationship and even stay together, then this won't work. I really think that getting to meet you again in person, not making any real tangible progress (like sex), made him get tired of this game. You might think your relationship was good, but in my opinion, it wasn't. Again, his needs weren't fullfilled. He played along in the hopes that they would become fullfilled. But he realized, that they won't be, at least not in a worthwhile manner. If i was in his shoes, i would definitely be dissapointed. Having constant contact 24/7 for a year and a half, making a long and somewhat expensive trip, only to get a dinner together? I would definitely question what's the point? Do something, offer something. Try to find solutions. Go there the first chance you get. Even stay at his place. Make love. Connect in another level and discuss how you can make it work. Or just let it end and find someone in your area.
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) I just sent him a message and asked him point blank "Do you find me attractive?" and he said "Yes, why would you not think that? Well yesterday I sent him a message that said "I want to do bad thing with you", I sent the message in Spanish because its kin of our little joke (neither of us is hispanic) and his reply was "Like, Violent Things" I just took it as a joke from him, but I was serious! lol. Why isnt he making the next move. I am wrong to think that he wasnt attracted to me??? He know I want to be with him....... By the way, when he came here last year we had only been talking for a couple of months, Thing would be a lot different now, but he hasnt asked me to visit and I have hinted before. Edited September 17, 2015 by Star4223
Samuel_22 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) Hello Everyone, I am trying to reach out to all because I am finding it hard for anyone to understand how I feel right now. I am going through a very different kind of relationship. I can give a little background. My friend lives in Atlanta and I live in Kentucky. We used to go to High School together, but really didnt hang out as teens. I am 47 years old right now and he is 48. We connected on Facebook and really hit it off well and have been texting for about a year and a half. When I say texting I mean in the Morning, noon and night before bed. He did come here to Kentucky last year for a visit, be we did not get physical because I dont think either of us felt really comfortable with that because we didnt really know each other that well at that time and we are both a little conservative, didnt want to rush it and he was onky here for 2 days. The problem that I am having now ifs that our communication is starting to dwindle. The last couple of days when I message him it takes a while for him to reply or like, last night when I sent him a message. I said "Is it me or you just dont feel like talking" and he said "Not you, just watching tv, get tired of typing and being on the phone. Too much facebook and Texting. I said Okay, im sorry I will let you relax and then he said Dont be sorry you didnt do anything I just dont feel like talking and trying to keep up with the movie. Thant is just an example of how thing are going. I just dont know how to handle this as I am used to talking to him whenever I wanted and It was never a problem. I miss our conversations and feel so hurt by this. I feel like if he cared he would never act like this. I just dont know what do do and REALLY need some advice. PLEASE Well...If I were you, I wouldn't push him so much, I myself hate being forced to text all the time, one of the problems I have had with all my previous relationships is that, well I feel I don't have time to do things that I love to do anymore, and the harder they push me, the more nervous I become, everyone deserves a little time alone, I suppose...I was a video game addict, a couple of years ago...well I hated it that I had to pause my video game to answer my girlfriends' texts...the truth was I wanted to play a video game, and it was a shame I had to tell a lie all the time to be able to play a little, like, I am gonna take a shower, or we are going to go to my grandmother's house, so I might not be able to text, at nights I used to tell a lie and say, I am going to sleep at 12 midnight, truth was I was awake until 3 in the morning, and I was playing video games...men, unlike women are not that fond of sending messages, men at times need to be alone, there is nothing wrong here, trust me.... I really really loved my ex, who eventually broke up with me, and still I sometimes used to tell lies, to be able to spend some time doing things I like...I am really sad she is not with anymore, and surprisingly, I don't like doing any of the things I used to circumvent her for...it is funny... but give him some space, I would say ...and trust me there is nothing wrong here... Good luck Edited September 17, 2015 by Samuel_22
Samuel_22 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I just sent him a message and asked him point blank "Do you find me attractive?" and he said "Yes, why would you not think that? Well yesterday I sent him a message that said "I want to do bad thing with you", I sent the message in Spanish because its kin of our little joke (neither of us is hispanic) and his reply was "Like, Violent Things" I just took it as a joke from him, but I was serious! lol. Why isnt he making the next move. I am wrong to think that he wasnt attracted to me??? He know I want to be with him....... By the way, when he came here last year we had only been talking for a couple of months, Thing would be a lot different now, but he hasnt asked me to visit and I have hinted before. No no no.. DON'T ASK ANY MAN FOR APPROVAL!!! I am dead serious about that, and don't put forward the idea of having sex either, Men like women who are a challenge, you are making it too easy for him...the result he will lose interest!!! let him take the next step whenever he is ready to do so... Just don't ask for his approve for god's sake...try to act like a proud woman...that's all you have to do...and he will take the next step sooner or later...
Author Star4223 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Samuel, I guess its really hard with him being so far away and I cant just go and spent time with him when I want to. He is REALLY into politics and follows a couple of groups which he is always reading, commenting on and posting in. I guess its hard for me to understand that he would rather do that then chat with me. I guess I am just ready to progress in our relationship and I feel we are stuck and if something doesnt happen soon, we will dissolve. I have a question for you,, do you know regret that you didnt make her more of a priority? I am willing to wait, but I just neede to know if the feeling was mutual with him. I didnt really want to ask for his approval, but I needed to know if he liked me, kinda wanted to give him am out if thats what he wanted, thats all. I really still dont know where we stand.
ChicagoSparty Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hmmmmm. So, you don't have sex and barely talk to each other? Sounds like every other relationship I've ever seen. What's the problem? All kidding aside...if you want this thing to move, then you gotta make his thing move. Maybe ramp up the flirting. 'In bed all alone' texts always seem to get the train rolling. Not overt, but fairly clear intent. That, or it will just fade away.
Author Star4223 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 This whole thing has made me feel like such a loser!!! I dont think I have ever pursued a man like this before. I message too much, I am too needy, all of that!!!! This is killing me! I want his approval all of the time, its ridiculous and the crazy thing is I cant stop myself. SMH
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