Author randomman Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Losangelena hit the nail on the head...... but let me get back to something else...."I do see that I wasn't considering how she felt too. I told her that I was sorry for not considering her POV on the subject". I admitted that I was to blame for some of this and told her so. We BOTH apologized to each other because we BOTH knew we were not listening. So, Losangelena, back to the subject at hand..... how do I help prevent the flooding and create a more positive argument style with her?
katiegrl Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) losangelina... re the flooding, I am trying to understand it, no I have never experienced this. But to the OP, are you saying that you give her an explanation, and she won't accept it, and just keeps going on and on with more questions ad nauseum? If so, then perhaps you just need to be stronger with her...and tell her to stop. Give your explanation, allow her to express her feelings about it, try to understand HER position, suggest a compromise, and if she continues flooding ...just tell her to stop it. Nicely but assertively. You have answered her question, suggested you both discuss a compromise, if she is not willing to do that, then tell her this is no longer up for discussion and leave the room. Sometimes you just have to be strong. She may not even be aware that she is flooding, or the effect it has on you. When that happens, the original issue that prompted the questions doesn't even matter. It now becomes about the flooding! Explain that to her. JMO ... Edited September 17, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Losangelena hit the nail on the head...... but let me get back to something else...."I do see that I wasn't considering how she felt too. I told her that I was sorry for not considering her POV on the subject". I admitted that I was to blame for some of this and told her so. We BOTH apologized to each other because we BOTH knew we were not listening. So, Losangelena, back to the subject at hand..... how do I help prevent the flooding and create a more positive argument style with her? If she feels the need to ask so many questions, I'd say it's about the way you deliver your concerns, open the discussion with her. If you say, "hey, I'm going to do X without any explanation as to why you want to do that, why it's important to you and what factors you've considered in making a decision, she's definitely going to have questions. You state your question, concern, ideas, etc., give her your reasoning and then allow her to contribute her view, opinions. Don't leave room for a lot of questions. What really happens when she does this? Is it that she just starts a barrage of questions without allowing you to answer each one or does she ask a question, get an answer and then ask another one? I mean, there isn't anything wrong with asking questions as long as the opportunity is given to answer each one. But if it's a string of questions in a row and then she shuts down, that's different. That's a form of stonewalling. If she's doing that kind of thing, the next time an issue arises and she does that, you simply tell her you want to table the issue for a little while while you think about her questions and then come back to it to answer the questions.
Author randomman Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) I think maybe a good example is,.... we apologized. She said "sorry for not understanding your POV. obviously it's more important to you than me. It was hard at first and I didn't understand I see that it's important. I was just worried that you were doing it for some kind of validation (from FB people) like Matt. it was hard for me to see your side, I'm sorry." Then she texted again saying: "I'm not going to lie, I still don't fully understand. There are plenty of other ways to upload photos.But if it makes you happy to share them, I'll accept it." I was happy with the 1st text. Then she sent the 2nd and I started thinking WTF? Why go there. We apologized. It's like she's saying she understands, but then she doesn't. Edited September 17, 2015 by randomman
losangelena Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Read up: emotional flooding in marriage and LTR's My ex BF had a real problem with this. It's like an automatic red light for communication. At least OP is aware of his problem and can articulate it. To that end, OP if you know flooding is a problem for you, then it might be best to do two things: Explain that reaction to your GF in such a time when you're calm and collected; try and explain to her how it feels. Try and figure out how she could productively speak to you so that you don't get to that point. Be as specific as you can, or have some kind of signal so that she knows when you're on the edge and she can pull back a little. If she understands that it's not so much the disagreement that bothers you, but her methods, then she may be more willing to pull back a bit.
BlueIris Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I think maybe a good example is,.... we apologized. She said "sorry for not understanding your POV. obviously it's more important to you than me. It was hard at first and I didn't understand I see that it's important. I was just worried that you were doing it for some kind of validation (from FB people) like Matt. it was hard for me to see your side, I'm sorry." Then she texted again saying: "I'm not going to lie, I still don't fully understand. There are plenty of other ways to upload photos.But if it makes you happy to share them, I'll accept it." I was happy with the 1st text. Then she sent the 2nd and I started thinking WTF? Why go there. We apologized. It's like she's saying she understands, but then she doesn't. Text back, "Thank you. It does make me happy that you're willing to do this for me."
smackie9 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 So yesterday for example..... it's rattling off question after question about why I wanted to post.... and I'm very open with why I wanted to.... Because I use the online albums as a memory to look back at that I have easy access to. The picture project I wanted to do with her was very important to me. I explained this to her. She kept asking what my "motives" were, and why I needed to post it. Saying we don't need validation from the FB community You are saying she's not listening to you, but YOU are not listening to her. She's not coming out and saying but this is causing her some anxiety. There are a lot of people who wouldn't feel comfortable with doing this and I'm one of them. obviously she is a private person who doesn't like to have her likeness posted on the internet. I don't think you are being put out if you don't do it, but it would take a huge load off her mind if you just let it go. 1
Yookie Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Would you be willing to make the Facebook photo album private and only share with her?
Ami1uwant Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 So yesterday for example..... it's rattling off question after question about why I wanted to post.... and I'm very open with why I wanted to.... Because I use the online albums as a memory to look back at that I have easy access to. The picture project I wanted to do with her was very important to me. I explained this to her. She kept asking what my "motives" were, and why I needed to post it. Saying we don't need validation from the FB community Why do you need yo post this on Facebook. Like your art work, print it and frame it. Put it on your cell phone.
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