Fell in love very fast. Now I'm at a crossroads

[randomman]

I'm a 30M, she's a 35 single mom. Both divorced. Both of our exes had affairs.

 

 

Long story short: We met on Match.com in early June and immediately hit it off. We both fell in love fast and everything was in sync from day 1. The best sex we've ever had, the best conversations, the best connection. We trust each other, we respect each other, we love each other. We agree on all of the major relationship sticking points (sex, money, religion, kids, etc..), and if we don't, we respect each others views. I met her daughter and we hit it off swimmingly. We've talked of marriage down the road. Something neither of us has ever done before this early on. I still feel to this day, that within the 1st month I knew her, I knew I wanted to marry her. Everything seems great, right?

 

 

Nope. The everyday life stuff is starting to wear me down. We're trying our best to communicate well, but there seems to be a breakdown too frequently. This week, I told her I wanted to start a photo project, where I take artistic pics of her everywhere we go and make an album that we could later print and share on Facebook. She thought it was an awesome idea, but was more interested in arguing that she didn't want it posted on FB being she thinks it's vain and she hates when her friend does it. She asked why I wanted to post something like that, and I explained to her that it's important to me because I used FB as an album for myself. Something I can look at frequently and remember those times/places/people. She told me to use shutterfly.

 

 

Differences like this keep popping up too frequently and I don't feel like she's interested in accepting these little "quirks" about me. She asks me a million questions interrogation style, but never accepts that it's part of who I am and what I like. When I start to get upset, and try to explain to her that I am, she says she was "joking" or doesn't want this to be a big deal and that we should drop it. I feel like this tiny things, that one person cares about and the other person doesn't, should be easy compromises, but it seems she's more into arguing her case than understanding and accepting its importance to me.

 

 

I don't know where I'm at. I don't know if I'm looking at this wrong. I'm trying to be positive and not over react. I try to look at all of the good things, but these interactions keep happening and I can't prevent them.

 

 

Am I being too sensitive or does it sound like she's not listening to me?

I don't want to throw away everything we have over something like this, but the stress is starting to get to me.

 

 

Help?!?

[smackie9]

Those differences are rather petty. Not everyone wants to splash their selfies on FB. I am going to agree with her on that one. This is the thing about relationships, the respect of other's opinion. As for her asking questions, she is trying to get to know you and what makes you work. Not everyone can just "go with the flow". If she is grinding your gears for sure explain how you feel about it. But I do agree with you, if it doesn't feel right then it's probably not. We have to not let the great sex over shadow the incompatibility. If you feel it's worth the investment, stick with it because you both are just adjusting to each other. It's just best to give yourself a timeline on when to just say "I don't think this is working out, we are too different"

[randomman]

I agree with what you're saying. The FB thing isn't the first time it's happened though. Most of the time I express myself she goes into interrogation mode. Which I completely dislike. I've told her it's not healthy for me. I need to express myself and then we can Q&A later. She waits to Q&A sometimes, but not frequently enough.

[losangelena]

I agree with smackie that she's probably just questioning as a way to understand you, not bust your balls.

 

I have a friend whose now-husband grilled her like that when they were dating and it really stressed her out. He explained that it wasn't out of judgement, he just wanted to understand her thought process. It kinda drove her crazy.

 

I would be more concerned that, even after you explained that you need some time before she starts in on the questioning, she persists.

[katiegrl]

I agree with what you're saying. The FB thing isn't the first time it's happened though. Most of the time I express myself she goes into interrogation mode. Which I completely dislike. I've told her it's not healthy for me. I need to express myself and then we can Q&A later. She waits to Q&A sometimes, but not frequently enough.

 

Can you define what you mean by *interrogation*?

 

Asking you questions, maybe even some *hard* questions, in an effort to get to know you?

 

Why are you so closed? She is probing further, because your response may have sounded elusive to her, like maybe you are hiding something.

 

Can you give some examples of her *interrogation* questions?

 

IMO yes you might be overly-sensitive, but it is hard to say without knowing what type of questions she is asking that make you uncomfortable.

[randomman]

So yesterday for example..... it's rattling off question after question about why I wanted to post.... and I'm very open with why I wanted to.... Because I use the online albums as a memory to look back at that I have easy access to. The picture project I wanted to do with her was very important to me. I explained this to her.

 

 

She kept asking what my "motives" were, and why I needed to post it. Saying we don't need validation from the FB community

[losangelena]

She kept asking what my "motives" were, and why I needed to post it. Saying we don't need validation from the FB community

 

I mean, I feel like that's a valid concern. Not everyone is so comfortable doing that.

 

I'd imagine she kept questioning you so much because she seems uncomfortable. Does her lack of comfort over it change at all your desire to put it on FB?

[BlueIris]

Disagreement is not betrayal. It is natural. The question is how you each handle differences and disagreements.

 

It sounds to me as though you want her to be like you because she initially seemed to be and you are disappointed when she isn’t- even defensive or upset when she isn’t. But no one ever is going to be exactly like you. If that disappoints you or you feel betrayed when your partner doesn’t want to do what you want or she doesn’t think or feel the way you do, and getting your way on things like this means more to you than understanding or caring about how her, you’re going to have a hard time keeping a relationship.

 

One point to consider when you disagree with your S.O. is: which person is asking something FROM the other person? The person who is being asked to do something gets to choose. Regarding your posting photos of her, it’s her image, so she gets to decide. You can take a photo album of other things to post online, right? But you want this particular thing from her. In regard to relationship-building, she compromised but you didn’t (shutterfly vs FB). Regarding her asking you questions and your asking that she wait to do that, again, she compromised and is making effort but you aren’t appreciating that she’s doing that. Instead you’re upset that she isn’t being the way you want her to be.

 

So think about which matters more to you- that you get to post photos of her on FB or how she feels about it? Do you feel betrayed or disrespected if she doesn't agree to what you want? How someone acts in a relationship becomes more clear over time and that makes or breaks the pairing.

[randomman]

I feel like she's not understanding me when she's asking 100 questions,.... and she isn't. She blew it off yesterday like it was a meaningless conversation and it meant a lot more than that to me.

[randomman]

So my question is.... Where do my feelings come into play in this scenario? I don't feel like she tried to understand how important this was to me. She mentioned multiple times how dumb this was to her and that we should stop talking about it. I kept expressing to her that it's important to me. She never acknowledged that.

[BlueIris]

I feel like she's not understanding me when she's asking 100 questions,.... and she isn't. She blew it off yesterday like it was a meaningless conversation and it meant a lot more than that to me.

 

Maybe she isn't understanding you. It sounds as though she's trying to. Are you trying to understand her? It takes two.

[randomman]

Also, she's very aware that I don't work well with the question game. I can't make myself ok with it. Yet she continues to do it with "trivial" matters and important ones. It makes me "flood".

[Redhead14]

I feel like she's not understanding me when she's asking 100 questions,.... and she isn't. She blew it off yesterday like it was a meaningless conversation and it meant a lot more than that to me.

 

As for the FB thing -- that subject is not just about you. It involves her sense of privacy. You can make an album for yourself and it doesn't have to be on FB. Privacy is something that needs to be respected in a relationship.

Frankly, I'm asking "why is it so important to you to put this on FB? And, so important as to override and try to disrespect her need for and desire not to be all over FB as a matter of privacy.

[losangelena]

Also, she's very aware that I don't work well with the question game. I can't make myself ok with it. Yet she continues to do it with "trivial" matters and important ones. It makes me "flood".

 

Yeah, I feel like this is an important point, actually. That's not really fair to you, if it bothers you so much.

 

OP, let me understand—it's not SO much that she disagrees with you, but rather the way she chooses to engage (which makes you feel flooded) that you have a problem with? Have you made it absolutely crystal clear to her how you feel when she does that? 'Cause either she's malicious and doing it on purpose (unlikely) or she doesn't understand what it does to you.

[randomman]

It's 100% the way she engages, not that she disagrees. I have made it crystal clear before... but not recently. I don't feel like I should keep bringing it up. And I know full well it's not malicious on her end.

[losangelena]

It's 100% the way she engages, not that she disagrees. I have made it crystal clear before... but not recently. I don't feel like I should keep bringing it up. And I know full well it's not malicious on her end.

 

Really? I think it may be worth it to try and keep explaining it to her, and ask her to please find a different way to broach disagreements, or better yet TELL her how you would prefer it.

 

Men and women just process things so differently; I would be that she literally does not understand the physiological response you have to her questions. Tell her you're OK with questions and disagreements, but not in the way she does it.

 

Having said that, I would also set limits on how long you're willing to try and explain it.

[BlueIris]

It's 100% the way she engages, not that she disagrees. I have made it crystal clear before... but not recently. I don't feel like I should keep bringing it up. And I know full well it's not malicious on her end.

 

No, you shouldn't. She said "no" and when you wouldn't accept that, she offered a compromise and you wouldn't accept that either. I think you're "flooding" when she questions why you are so insistent because you don't have a good reason for why she should do what you want. Make an album of something else.

[katiegrl]

So yesterday for example..... it's rattling off question after question about why I wanted to post.... and I'm very open with why I wanted to.... Because I use the online albums as a memory to look back at that I have easy access to. The picture project I wanted to do with her was very important to me. I explained this to her.

 

 

She kept asking what my "motives" were, and why I needed to post it. Saying we don't need validation from the FB community

 

Well frankly I don't blame her....and I agree with her, we should not need validation from the FB community, or any other on line community.

 

I would not want pics of me posted all over the internet either! Which when you post on FB is what you are essentially doing.

 

And no I would buy your explanation either. If you're using it to look back as a memory bank, there are a million other ways of doing that ..other than splashing HER photos on FB! Jeez.

 

Especially since clearly it makes HER uncomfortable.

 

Why could YOU not respect HER boundaries in this regard?

 

No you don't sound too sensitive, but you do sound a bit self-centered.

 

HER feelings matter too you know. They are photos of HER after all.

[losangelena]

Ladies, I think you're being a little unfair.

 

OP said it's NOT because they disagree that it's a problem, it's that he feel uncomfortable (physically uncomfortable) when she questions him the way she does. I don't think it's so much that she doesn't want her photos on FB, but the WAY she's choosing to discuss it that OP has a problem with (correct me if I'm wrong again, OP).

 

Let's not jump all over him because of the example he used.

[randomman]

While I don't completely agree with the last couple posts, as I feel like they glaze over how I feel on the subject. I do see that I wasn't considering how she felt too. I told her that I was sorry for not considering her POV on the subject

[randomman]

Ladies, I think you're being a little unfair.

 

OP said it's NOT because they disagree that it's a problem, it's that he feel uncomfortable (physically uncomfortable) when she questions him the way she does. I don't think it's so much that she doesn't want her photos on FB, but the WAY she's choosing to discuss it that OP has a problem with (correct me if I'm wrong again, OP).

 

Let's not jump all over him because of the example he used.

 

 

Absolutely correct

[katiegrl]

So my question is....

 

 

**Where do my feelings come into play in this scenario? I don't feel like she tried to understand how important this was to me.***

 

 

 

She mentioned multiple times how dumb this was to her and that we should stop talking about it. I kept expressing to her that it's important to me. She never acknowledged that.

 

Quote in asterisk above.... where do HER feelings come into play? Dude, they are photos of HER for chrissakes.... do you not think HER feelings about HER photos being splashed on FB matter?

 

Her feelings about this trump yours because they are HER photos!

 

Stop making this all about you and your feelings....her feelings matter too. Especially about this since they are photos of her.

 

It is incredibly self-centered, and you're gonna eventually lose her if you don't nip it.

[katiegrl]

Ladies, I think you're being a little unfair.

 

OP said it's NOT because they disagree that it's a problem, it's that he feel uncomfortable (physically uncomfortable) when she questions him the way she does. I don't think it's so much that she doesn't want her photos on FB, but the WAY she's choosing to discuss it that OP has a problem with (correct me if I'm wrong again, OP).

 

Let's not jump all over him because of the example he used.

 

That is not how I see it.

 

What makes him uncomfortable is that she refuses to acquiesce to HIS needs and wishes. As if her feelings have no use in this relationship ...it's all about what HE wants.

 

Sure it was just an example, but no doubt it happens a lot, that's just "him" as he said.

 

Her questions are her expressing annoyance and frustration at his self-centeredness...and disregard for her feelings, needs and wishes.

 

That's how I see it anyway.

[losangelena]

Quote in asterisk above.... where do HER feelings come into play? Dude, they are photos of HER for chrissakes.... do you not think HER feelings about HER photos being splashed on FB matter?

 

Her feelings about this trump yours because they are HER photos!

 

Stop making this all about you and your feelings....her feelings matter too. Especially about this since they are photos of her.

 

It is incredibly self-centered, and you're gonna eventually lose her if you don't nip it.

 

Katie, please read what he's saying. The photo thing is ONE EXAMPLE of their disagreement style. It has less to do with his feelings about the photos themselves (versus her feelings) and more his PHYSIOLOGICAL response to how she chooses to question him.

 

I don't understand why that is not being addressed here.

 

He's not saying that she's not allowed to agree with him, or that she must allow him to post pictures of her on FB—those are not the "feelings" that he's talking about. He's talking about the literal, physical feelings he's having when she questions him the way she does (flooding) that are making it difficult to interact or argue with her in a productive manner.

 

Granted, it was probably not the BEST example he could have used, because now we're all fixated on the photos, but it's not about that. It's about the fact that her "interrogation" as he puts it, is causing him to shut down.

 

He wants to know how to have a more productive conversation with her, and how he can explain to her just how devastating this is to him.

[losangelena]

Her questions are her expressing annoyance and frustration at his self-centeredness...and disregard for her feelings, needs and wishes.

 

That's how I see it anyway.

 

I think her concerns are valid, but OP is saying that the WAY she's expressing her concerns is difficult for him to take.

 

I'm sure you dealt with a man's "flooding" before. It's a very strong physiological response that they oftentimes can't control. He wants to avoid that feeling but have a productive conversation where he and his GF can come to an understanding. I don't think he's just wanting to be "right."