alostcause Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 My girlfriend and me had been together for 3 years. 2 months ago she told me that she started talking to this guy online from another country and they had skyped a few times. It caused a lot of fights between us because I used to see her online skype for so long every night. At first she denied it but then she admitted that she had fallen for him and he had fallen for her. She said they have fallen in love.....they skype for hours into the night and he told her that he's going to come visit her in a few weeks and he even told her that he wants to leave the army and move to her country to be with her. I can't believe she let go of everything we had so she could pursue this guy online...She believes she's head over heels for him and that he is for her. And he must be if he's willing to pay and come see her soon. The thought of it makes me sick. The thought of them planning all this and going to have sex with each other kills me. How can she do this to us... She is so convinced that he is "the one" and that they will end up happily ever after, and now I am also so afraid of that happening. What are the chances that he would leave his family and move to her country? If they both talk about wanting it so much, could this actually become a reality soon? I'm so scared and feel so alone. She has left me with absolutely nothing but heartache while she has found love so soon and is so happy...I have become like a nobody to her. Every now and again she would send me a text but I am ignoring them. I can't stop imagining that they are going to move in together and live happily ever after soon... Btw, he is only 19 and she is 22. Can this become a reality for them if they really have fallen in love...?
LoveRefreshed Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 "My girlfriend and I"... Anyway, dude, let her go. She's fickle and delusional to think she has some deep connection with some dude online. How does she know him, how did she get to know him? Further, how did you let her Skype with this dude for so long while letting your relationship fall to ****? It's on you for not being proactive if you wanted to save it. Now, don't beat yourself up, she didn't communicate to you that she needed more in your relationship and just went looking for it elsewhere. Let her go, let her find out the grass on the other side of the fence is the same. Just move on and don't spend another thought on her.
Gaeta Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 You felt you were in an air-tight relationship, she wasn't. There is no difference falling for a man online than falling for a man at the grocery store. She fell for this man because her heart was free to fall for someone. Had she been totally in love with you and happy with your relationship she would have never put herself in a situation for this to happen. Let her go, this was not meant to be. Don't spend time thinking if it will work for them. It's their life, now get busy moving on with yours.
Zippy2000 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Really sorry to hear your partner left you for someone online AND from another country. Humans always thinking the grass is greener on the other side and also WANT what they can`t have. She`s wanting him but cant have him now as he`s not easily available. Give it time and when she does meet him and he is not to her expections then she will come sniffing back. The question is.......would you take her back?
Gaeta Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Give it time and when she does meet him and he is not to her expections then she will come sniffing back. The question is.......would you take her back? I assure you she will not come back. She fell for this man because she was unhappy in her current relationship. Something was missing. If it doesn't work out with the online man she won't go back in a relationship where something was missing.
LoveRefreshed Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I assure you she will not come back. She fell for this man because she was unhappy in her current relationship. Something was missing. If it doesn't work out with the online man she won't go back in a relationship where something was missing. Not true. You may not, and not all women are as grounded as you. I know a lot of women who get desperate when single. Like can't be single, always in a relationship type of person. They will go back to a poor relationship over being single. Anecdotes are anecdotes and I have several of them, but I agree that something was missing and undoubtedly, IF she does come back, it's not going to be gainful in anyway and you should just go NC forever.
xcupid Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 She's "in love" with the idea of being in love and living in a fantasy world with this new guy. They haven't even met. They don't know if they are compatible or whether there is chemistry. Talking on Skype for hours is no substitute for being with someone and interacting with someone in person. She doesn't even know if this guy is real. Very sorry to hear you're going through this and feeling pain. Key message she's sending is that she wasn't happy in the relationship she had with you for some reason.
alostguy Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 She's "in love" with the idea of being in love and living in a fantasy world with this new guy. They haven't even met. They don't know if they are compatible or whether there is chemistry. But she told me they have such a strong connection. She said he's everything she ever wanted in a guy and that he's simply amazing. If they talk for hours and hours every night, then he must be so in love with her and willing to leave the army to move to her country. I am so hurt that she has found happiness and replaced me so fast. We used to be so in love and I still am, and now it feels like I am absolutely nothing to her. Every single thought I have is about them. I can't focus on anything else. I'm devastated and I can't bare the thought of them being intimate in a few weeks or making plans for the future...
Krieger Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 OP don't feel to bad it what woman do it is not there fault it is there nature to thing like this when they are young. Woman mostly have one or two guys on speed dial once something goes wrong in a relationship. Women don’t seek out comfort or stability in men anymore they seek entertainment. They seek distraction.
Gaeta Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 But she told me they have such a strong connection. She said he's everything she ever wanted in a guy and that he's simply amazing. If they talk for hours and hours every night, then he must be so in love with her and willing to leave the army to move to her country. I am so hurt that she has found happiness and replaced me so fast. We used to be so in love and I still am, and now it feels like I am absolutely nothing to her. Every single thought I have is about them. I can't focus on anything else. I'm devastated and I can't bare the thought of them being intimate in a few weeks or making plans for the future... Of course it hurts. It would hurt the same if she had met him at work or at a local pub. Like I said, she let this happen. A happy woman does not go online looking to make connection with men AND when a woman in a relationship uses the internet, is part of a forum, or what ever, she stays away from men wanting to chat her up one-on-one. Your girlfriend didn't. She opened up herself to a stranger because something was missing in her relationship with you. She met someone online but it was just a matter of time before she met someone local. You need to take her down from her pedestal. Yes it will hurt for a while, is this your first heartbreak? It will take time but you will get over it. We all get over it.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 My girlfriend and me had been together for 3 years. 2 months ago she told me that she started talking to this guy online from another country and they had skyped a few times. It caused a lot of fights between us because I used to see her online skype for so long every night. At first she denied it but then she admitted that she had fallen for him and he had fallen for her. She said they have fallen in love.....they skype for hours into the night and he told her that he's going to come visit her in a few weeks and he even told her that he wants to leave the army and move to her country to be with her. I can't believe she let go of everything we had so she could pursue this guy online...She believes she's head over heels for him and that he is for her. And he must be if he's willing to pay and come see her soon. The thought of it makes me sick. The thought of them planning all this and going to have sex with each other kills me. How can she do this to us... She is so convinced that he is "the one" and that they will end up happily ever after, and now I am also so afraid of that happening. What are the chances that he would leave his family and move to her country? If they both talk about wanting it so much, could this actually become a reality soon? I'm so scared and feel so alone. She has left me with absolutely nothing but heartache while she has found love so soon and is so happy...I have become like a nobody to her. Every now and again she would send me a text but I am ignoring them. I can't stop imagining that they are going to move in together and live happily ever after soon... Btw, he is only 19 and she is 22. Can this become a reality for them if they really have fallen in love...? Please forgive me for laughing the entire time I read your whole post. I wasn't laughing at YOU, I was laughing at the absurdity of a 19 year old boy 'falling in love' on the computer over a few hours spent on Skype. And let's face it - most 22 year old females aren't exactly known for being rocket scientists. If I were you, I'd get myself a big old bucket of popcorn (extra butter) pull myself up a chair, put my feet up, and watch the childish little tragedy as it unfolds from your front row seat. Odds are pretty high this hormonal teenage boy (and that's what he is) is probably all talk and no action. I mean, come on. How emotionally stable can this kid BE if he's proclaiming his love and vowing to move to another country for some girl he's only talked to on Skype? I think you'll get the last laugh when your 'girlfriend' gets summarily dumped by her teenage Romeo when he can't scrape together the money for airfare. What he SAYS and what he DOES are two drastically different things. And a word to the wise - do NOT be her Plan B when teenage Romeo leaves her flat on her ass and she comes crying to you. Oh - and could you please record this teenage tragedy as it unfolds and put it on YouTube? I'm sure it will be entertaining as hell and Walking Dead doesn't start til October so I'm bored. Thanks! 2
xUnknown Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Please forgive me for laughing the entire time I read your whole post. I wasn't laughing at YOU, I was laughing at the absurdity of a 19 year old boy 'falling in love' on the computer over a few hours spent on Skype. And let's face it - most 22 year old females aren't exactly known for being rocket scientists. If I were you, I'd get myself a big old bucket of popcorn (extra butter) pull myself up a chair, put my feet up, and watch the childish little tragedy as it unfolds from your front row seat. Odds are pretty high this hormonal teenage boy (and that's what he is) is probably all talk and no action. I mean, come on. How emotionally stable can this kid BE if he's proclaiming his love and vowing to move to another country for some girl he's only talked to on Skype? I think you'll get the last laugh when your 'girlfriend' gets summarily dumped by her teenage Romeo when he can't scrape together the money for airfare. What he SAYS and what he DOES are two drastically different things. And a word to the wise - do NOT be her Plan B when teenage Romeo leaves her flat on her ass and she comes crying to you. Oh - and could you please record this teenage tragedy as it unfolds and put it on YouTube? I'm sure it will be entertaining as hell and Walking Dead doesn't start til October so I'm bored. Thanks! My thoughts exactly.. Seriously OP, think of this as your "way out". If your girl is that crazy to leave for a 19 year old in another country with communication for a few hours through skype, let her. Sure, she has the right to do and fall for who she wants, but think of how unstable she must be to leave a "sure thing" like you for something like this other guy that is more of a toss-up. As Lois said, grab the popcorn and be ready.... PLEASE listen to us all when we say don't take her back when she comes crawling. If it happened once, it can happen again. I never got your age, but you seem like a younger guy (seeing as she's 22). These are your years to shine and enjoy yourself. I broke up with my ex of 3 years a year ago. I'm 25 now and wish I had done it sooner. You'll be alright, you have us here to vent to if you need us. But things will get better!
Tobin Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 If it wasn't him it would be someone else. She just wasn't into you anymore, there were probably signs but they tend to be overlooked until it's too late. If you calmly think about your interactions over the past months you will probably see it. It stings. But you'll get past it. Most relationships ultimately fail, especially when you're younger and emotions and feelings tend to be fickle. Dont blame yourself.
alostguy Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 It seems easy to say pull up a seat and watch their tragedy unfold and I wish I could. But she even asked him to come away on a vacation with her for two weeks in december. That means he plans to visit her in about 5 weeks and they might also go on vacation together for 2 weeks in december. Why would he say all that and talk about leaving the army to go and move to her so they can be together? Why would he stay for hours and hours on skype every day if he wasn't serious? I want to believe that this won't last and that she will end up feeling the heartache that she is putting me through right now, but part of me feels like they are going to end up so happy together...
Tobin Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Please disregard posts that say she'll come crawling back. That will only put you in the mindset of "waiting it out and hoping for the worst" between her and the new guy and then after things fail she'll come to some sort of realization that you were the one and she blew it. Doubt that's going to happen. She's gone. Try to get to the point that you don't care what happens with them because it's not your concern anymore. 1
Diezel Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I assure you she will not come back. She fell for this man because she was unhappy in her current relationship. Something was missing. If it doesn't work out with the online man she won't go back in a relationship where something was missing. I assure you she will come back if the "new guy" suddenly decides to not go meet her or if anything else happens that cancels out that "relationship". I think you severely underestimate branch swingers in this day and age.
Tobin Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Ok, you know her so well that you can predict her every action going forward (even though you somehow missed her latest one- you know where she meets another guy and dumps you on the spot). So they burn out and she comes back. You going to just pick up where you left off? Please have some self respect and be prepared for this eventuality with a resolution to completely ignore any attempts she makes to contact you.
alostguy Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 She's gone. Try to get to the point that you don't care what happens with them because it's not your concern anymore. I want to, trust me. I want to know a quick fix for this pain. It's unbearable. I can't eat and I barely sleep at night. I feel sick all the time. How am I going to move past this when every thought is about them being so happy together? I hate it!!!! I wake up every day and feel so low and I don't know how I'm ever going to move past this. She is definitely the type of person to come back texting me when he isn't available. I found out once that he was away with the army for about 3 days and noticed she wasn't on skype those days. Who did she text? Me...And like a fool I answered her because I truly believed maybe she missed me. But then he was back and she was back on skype for hours the following night and I got no text anymore. She text me 2 days ago and I didn't even read it because I don't want her to see that I have ignored her. Instead I chose the option to "disappear without a trace". I thought she would keep texting me out of worry wondering if something has happened to me. She did once saying "no reply?" and that was it. It's been 2 days now without reading her text and I'm sure she's wondering what I'm up to or if I'm just ignoring her. I don't even know if she will try again... She thinks shes so happy right now being in love and being loved back by him. She said "a flight to his country would only cost the same as a night out so I could do it every other weekend if I wanted to so it's not that bad". I know I need to move on and I want to, but this hurts and I don't know how to make it stop...
Blanco Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Please disregard posts that say she'll come crawling back. That will only put you in the mindset of "waiting it out and hoping for the worst" between her and the new guy and then after things fail she'll come to some sort of realization that you were the one and she blew it. Doubt that's going to happen. She's gone. Try to get to the point that you don't care what happens with them because it's not your concern anymore. I spent six months "waiting it out," even though I knew I could never go back if she did come back. It kept me way too emotionally invested in a relationship that I wasn't even a part of. I've got a long way to go, but I will say this: Telling myself that my ex is going to be with this guy for a long time, eventually move in, and probably even marry him, was like flipping a switch. It sounds weird, but when you expect what you view as the "worst-case scenario," you are able to let go a bit more easily. I spent MONTHS saying, "This isn't going to last," only to have it continue on. Maybe it won't last, but now that I've resolved myself to accepting that this could very well end in marriage, I've felt mostly good the last several days. It's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. 1
alostguy Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I spent six months "waiting it out," even though I knew I could never go back if she did come back. It kept me way too emotionally invested in a relationship that I wasn't even a part of. I've got a long way to go, but I will say this: Telling myself that my ex is going to be with this guy for a long time, eventually move in, and probably even marry him, was like flipping a switch. It sounds weird, but when you expect what you view as the "worst-case scenario," you are able to let go a bit more easily. I spent MONTHS saying, "This isn't going to last," only to have it continue on. Maybe it won't last, but now that I've resolved myself to accepting that this could very well end in marriage, I've felt mostly good the last several days. It's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. But how do you cope with knowing she is totally in love with someone else? Like that used to be you...for me she loved me for 3 years and we planned our future together...Now I'm left with absolutely nothing. How do you cope knowing they are being intimate together and talking about sex with each other...this kills me like you wouldn't believe...
Blanco Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 But how do you cope with knowing she is totally in love with someone else? Like that used to be you...for me she loved me for 3 years and we planned our future together...Now I'm left with absolutely nothing. How do you cope knowing they are being intimate together and talking about sex with each other...this kills me like you wouldn't believe... Time: I was in the same position as you for the first couple of months. Most days were agony and I felt like I walked around alone and with a gaping hole in my chest. I still think about it a lot, and have moments where I feel incredibly sad or angry. But it's nothing like those initial weeks and months where it felt like someone had died. Some people are robots and they can move along right away and not feel much sorrow. For the rest of us, time is necessary.She wasn't the one: I've had three serious relationships in my life. Only once did I feel like I was really with someone I could see myself marrying AND being happy with. That wasn't this girl. It was my longest relationship, but it was easily the most stressful, largely unsatisfying one I've had. Her being with someone else didn't change that.She is still the same person: She's a good person, but could be detached emotionally and I often felt like she was only in the relationship because it was convenient. She's admitted she has a tendency to be EA; she has trouble verbalizing affectionate things; she isn't one for talking about emotions or deep feelings. And she's OK with this. She told me and she said she sees a benefit to it ("You can't ever be too disappointed or upset if something doesn't work out.") Maybe she feels that works for her, but I think that's a really guarded way to live life, and a good partner for me that does not make. Maybe the new guy will be OK with it, or maybe she will feel more connected to him and so she won't feel the need to retreat emotionally much. What's most likely, though, is that this is something she will deal with for as long as she continues to think it's an acceptable character trait.Perspective: We were together three years and while a lot of things made the relationship more complicated than it would've been at another time in her life, we didn't click in a lot of ways. We had different views on things. We had different values or placed importance on different things. It wasn't a good fit. Maybe this new guy is. I don't know. If he isn't, then they will probably part ways eventually. If he is, then hey, good for her for finding someone more compatible. We all deserve that discovery.Goals & activities: I put on a ton of weight while we lived together. I had been an avid gym-goer for years before moving in with her, but that habit died due to time constraints. Add in poor eating, and hello, balloon city. When she started dating this guy, I was at my absolute worst. Fat, out of shape, and probably pretty poor health. Being out of the relationship freed up tons of time and I have rededicated myself to weight training since. I've dropped all the weight and am en route to having the best body composition of my life. This doesn't happen without the relationship ending. At the same time, it's been something to work toward and focus on every day. Look, what you're experiencing is no fun. It doesn't matter how improbable success in your ex's new relationship is; she's gone and that hurts. But trust me when I say that ruminating and staying in the abyss of thoughts about how happy she is right now with this new guy is only going to harm one person: YOU. Assume the "worst": She's gone. She's not coming back. She's going to be with this guy and have lots of babies and live happily every after. Accept that as truth (even if it's not) and turn most of your attention to yourself and what your plan of attack is for moving on with your life and making it better because of this situation.
alostguy Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Look, what you're experiencing is no fun. It doesn't matter how improbable success in your ex's new relationship is; she's gone and that hurts. But trust me when I say that ruminating and staying in the abyss of thoughts about how happy she is right now with this new guy is only going to harm one person: YOU. Assume the "worst": She's gone. She's not coming back. She's going to be with this guy and have lots of babies and live happily every after. Accept that as truth (even if it's not) and turn most of your attention to yourself and what your plan of attack is for moving on with your life and making it better because of this situation. I will definitely take what you said into consideration because I know it's probably the only option that I have. But my pain is so bad right now. I threw up today when I thought about it all again. It really does feel like someone has died. It feels like she has died...like I lost the love of my life and all the plans we had for our future are just gone...I have no motivation to do anything and I don't know when I will. Even watching tv or listening to music isn't interesting for me. All I want to do is cry and stay in my room. It kills me that she is so happy and in love and spending time on skype just relaxing and enjoying every moment. I used to be her whole world and now she probably doesn't even think about me much. He takes over all her thoughts and I'm a nobody.......I feel so alone and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I feel like I'm suffocating
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