NC, Contact - saying stuff, NC, Contact again - saying more, NC, PAIN

[broken guy]

OK, quick run-down on the story. 4 year relationship, last 6 months were rocky with things said and done on both sides that hurt, miscommunication and in the end I was dumped when I was out of the country via email and still she lied about seeing another guy until I FORCED her to say it, via email again. She said she didnt want to talk to me about it as it would only make things worse and not to come back to the country to try and make things work with her as it wasnt going to happen.

Anyway, I came back, spoke to her and asked for one chance to sort it all out, nope. I gave her my blessing, told her to go for it and wished her luck, I love her THAT much. Then I had to get all my stuff from her place, as I was leaving, she got upset (I think) and asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink to get intouch with her and she wanted to know if I was doing alright (que tears..I think). I leave her for 5 days and then ask her out. She turns me down as she is too busy and is off to a party with all her new friends and BF (In all the years Ive known her, she never had friends or a social life of her own that wasnt seperate from mine).

The odd SMS comes in but nothing to them, just wanting to know if I can get her post.

Then the news comes in that my parents are getting divorced. I NEED to speak to her and confess how my hoome life had troubled me and how i was too scared to ask her to marry me. I call her, no answer. I call her the next day, she picks up on the 3rd call. I just ask her I need to speak to her as something bad as happened and I dont want to tell her on the phone. She says she has dinner plans for someones Bday, I ask her to cancel and she just asks for 2 mins to see what she can do. Anyway, I ask her for a yes or no, i get a yes. The she calls me and demands I tell her as she cant just cancel plans because I call. I tell her.

We meet the next day and I confess everything to her, she gets upset and asks why I didnt tell her my recent family troubles. I have ALWAYS protected this girl from the evils fo the world, I know she cant handle stress and that was my reason. I think that by telling her this, she will understand and be willing to at least talk about it. Nope, sje just tells me that my plan backfired and I was too late. I finally begin to lose it and tell her that her new guy has a reputation as a ladies man and that he had been chasing a friend of ours. She didnt know about the friend but he had confessed already to being a ladies man and had told her she was different which she believes. I also tell her that if I had done what she had done to me when she went home for a break, she would have killed herself as she had no friends, no life and hated being at home with her ****ed up family too. Stupid I know but I was getting angry.

Back to my question. I asked her to think about stuff and she said she would have no choice as she would be up all night thinking about it. That was 1 week ago and I have heard nothing.

I had a future planned. I always thought we would be together. But I was too confident that she wouldnt leave me, depite the evidence I discovered and thought. I thought I had all the "power" in the relationship. I had the friends, I have the social life etc. she had none of that. Now its all different, she has the friends, she has the social life and the new BF (who, once again, had chased someone whom he knew was going out with someone. Why she cant see this FAT guy for what he is is beyond me! Maybe its the fact that he earns lots of cash and has a stabel future and hes the same age as me. Maybe she IS the one for him, its just that I deserved a chance to sort out my family and work life). She has taken all the "power". Its a horrid feeling. I cant believe she would or even COULD do this. We are in a country full of weird western people (Japan) and she managed to replace me here!!

Its been 2 months now and it actually gets worse EVERYDAY! I have finally given in and am going to see a shrink this week. Not only because of the break-up but also I think I have other isses that need to be dealt with such as my family life and future. I just know that I wouldnt need to see this guy if I was still with my dream girl...I wish I could talk to her and be with her, but I cant. The new guy can...its not right...

[Candy Cane]

Hi Broken. I'm sorry about your loss. I just thought I'd give you a few thoughts...for what it's worth. It does concern me that you focus on the issue of "power" in your relationship. I think you probably do have some deeper issues that need to be addressed in relation to that.

 

Otherwise, I'd advise that you get the counseling and then LAY OFF the situation. It sounds messy and she's not going to want to come back to something messy. She'll want to come back if you have your act together and act cool. If I were you, I'd just not call her AT ALL and when she does call (and she probably will) I'd act very together, very happy and confident but I'd also relay to her that you still do care and will be there for her if she needs you. Say...you know you guys had some problems but that you are working some of that out and that you still do care about her. And then get off the phone (tell her you need to get off the phone for some reason. Cut the call short)....and then let her call you again.

 

See how that goes...and let me know. Okay? Good luck.

[broken guy]

The "power" thing wasnt my expression, just something thats been thrown my way recently.

I broke down and broke into her email as she has STILL not changed the password! I know its crap of me but there you go. In it there was a message from the girl she moved in with 6 months ago as we BOTH needed some space for various reasons. Now, this girl moved out a couple of months ago and they HATED each other!! My ex said she was an interfering busy-body whom if life didnt revolve around her, she would either sulk or make a noise so that it did. She managed to call my ex (on our 1st night back "together") and say I was seeing another girl at a bar, when I wasnt! this led to her having a go at me and then feeling awful about it the next day. Basically, she would call me and tell her that her housemate was a bitch and she no longer spoke to her or listened to what she said...no more it seems!

Back to the mail, in it the housemate she calls me a loser and her new guy a winner. That I am being sad and pathetic by clinging on and to cut me off for a bit as it must be hard for her new guy that the ex is still hanging about. The new guy was a friend of hers, she knew NOTHING about me! I gave all for my ex. I forced her to make some friends as she never had any life of her own. I think what I did I did for the right reasons, I wanted her to have the life she never had and we could share it all together. But she flew away from me.

I wont be calling her or sending her emails or messages. She does not deserve to know how I am doing. I did all could by seeing her last week and laying all the past on the line, my feelings about many things and my plans for us in the future. She needed to know and thats that. I now find myself in the position of her ex-ex. How I thought he must be kicking himself for ****ing up with her almost 5 years after the event and that it didnt matter what he was doing or who he was seeing coz I had the girl.....

[Candy Cane]

Yeah...again...you need to take some deep breaths and chill. Oh...and don't break into her email again. That makes you look like a stalker and once you look like that, well, there's no going back.

 

Everything is going to be just fine. Just CHILL and back off....and have a good happy attitude about things. You want to know about power? Power comes when you can be happy no matter what is happening around you. Power is the ability to accept and laugh it all off and NOT LET IT BOTHER YOU. If you really want to have the power, this is what you will do. You will be good no matter if she comes or she goes or if you become a prisoner of war. So...again...take some breaths...go outside and try to get some inner peace.