Author guest569 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Eventually, if he chooses you over others, that's because you have shown him you are secure, and that you are always fun to be around. If he doesn't, then there is also a reason to that, it means that you shouldn't be with him, but with someone else, who will choose you over others. On the one hand, this.. And this is what I have done in the past, they come to their senses and stick with me. However, I think Leigh is right too: Stop bothering with guys who start out lukewarm about you. Men never go from lukewarm to madly in love. They may stick with me and start out relationships, but they never fall in love with me. (I am Unloveable) I am very aware of this after my previous relationships and swore never to be in that position again with men who start out lukewarm. Sure, there is a time for getting to know each other.. But I think when they are dating others this far in its such a bad sign.
kilgore Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Your gut's almost never wrong simley, so .... Take it from me, the best thing to do here, both for your peace of mind and practically, is beat him to the punch and either end it or put him in orbit. That way at least you're exiting with some amount of control over the situation, and your dignity. About the worst thing you can do emotionally and spiritually is sit back and wait to be dealt with in whatever way he eventually gets around to, whether that be dumping you or putting you out to pasture himself. Seriously hon, act now. It sucks but there will be others. Your instinct's trying to spare you the worst of the hurt, so let it and make a move now. Or at least talk to him to get clarity 1
kilgore Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 On the one hand, this.. And this is what I have done in the past, they come to their senses and stick with me. However, I think Leigh is right too: They may stick with me and start out relationships, but they never fall in love with me. (I am Unloveable) I am very aware of this after my previous relationships and swore never to be in that position again with men who start out lukewarm. Sure, there is a time for getting to know each other.. But I think when they are dating others this far in its such a bad sign. Don't feel like you need to work so had to convince 1
Author guest569 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 I also feel like i should just calm down and go with it. This is part of dating these days.. I dont know.. I will give a bit more of a chance.
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I also feel like i should just calm down and go with it. This is part of dating these days.. I dont know.. I will give a bit more of a chance. Not everyone is a beauty queen who will ALWAYS make the men they date fall hard for them. MOST of us are average looking folks who WON'T easily find people who start out smitten with us. It take time.. A lot of time for many, to come accross a mutually passionate and intense romantic relationship. That starts out hot! What you're going through is normal. Some women have the looks to get a higher incidence of men that fall hard for them. But make no mistake, my cousin fell fast for his Mexican wife who is obese and not the type of woman that gets men falling all over themselves for her. It just takes a bit longer for women like you. I am moderately attractive ( but not stunning) So I get men who feel excited about me initially on a regular enough basis. I am a solid 7/10. Where as my friend is a 9/10 and obviously every man she's had s crazy crush on has also fallen head over heels for her nearly instantly. Most women WILL absolutely spend most of their dating life on men who start out lukewarm about them. It does NOT make you unlovable........ You're not unlovable sweetie, you are just one of the many women who take time to find men who are totally hot and heavy for you from the get go. I don't ever find it mutually myself, that's rare for me it is usually the men I dont want who feel the passion for me.
Celeste.Carol Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I completely understand how you feel. I believe to be a ecstatic and comfortable with OLD depends on personal values and personality when it comes to dating not to judge those who do welcome and accept it's rules. There was a time Women made up the rules of dating and it now seems men have adopted their own rules, the Hugh Hefner style of dating. Before OLD, a man would meet a woman and unless he was a player, he focused solely on her and got to know her well emotionally before any decisions were made. If let's say a woman Tina was hooked up with Mark and they started a series of dates, but she heard through the grapevine that Mark was also having loads of fun with girls named Susie, Violet, Kathy, Lauren, Michelle, Sandy, and Trista....dump time, would never work, BUT these are the rules we are expected to understand and deal with because of OLD. I can't. I personally do not see how one woman is going to get emotionally close to a man playing Tonsil hockey with 7 others or scouring through personal ads like a meat market. 2
Toodaloo Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Smiley one thing that really stands out in all your posts is that you have the confidence of a field mouse when it comes to knowing your worth. I suspect that this may be why you are struggling so hard. Not every guy that asks you out and you go on a few dates with is going to be worthy of you. If I am brutal I really don't think you should be dating right now. I think you should be concentrating on you. Get yourself to a point where you feel emotionally strong, good about yourself as you are on your own and then date. Then you will have the ability to step back when you need to but also to step forward when you need to. You will make mistakes. You will mess it up with some seemingly great guys BUT not everyone is suitable for you even if they are great. So take your time to find one that is both great and suitable for you! Then you have a chance. Chin up chook. I am rooting for you. 1
Author guest569 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks for the confidence boost Leigh. No wonder my self esteem sux, or maybe my crap self esteem makes people who have never seen me decide that I am a 3/10. Some men think i am stunning, others think i am hideous. Meh. I dunno toodles, I'm not ready to write him off yet. Like i said I wasn't really looking to date, just wanted some fun and friendship. If this doesn't work out i sure as hell am not going to date for now. I am actually finally in a pretty good place, my life is going really well, I'm happy, I'm over my ex. But it always sux to be rejected (even though it hasn't come to that yet, just the thought of it is enough for me)
Author guest569 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 I actually think my personality is my downfall, not looks! (No doubt many on here can vouch for that)! I am so shy and awkward, although he seems to find it endearing. A lot of people just dont like that.
Toodaloo Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I think your lack of self confidence and self worth is your downfall. Not your personality or that you are shy or awkward. Being shy and awkward can be really attractive. Thinking that you are not worth the dog poo someone stepped in is not... Just breathe Smiley. You have many aspects to your personality that are fantastic. What you need to do now is stop worrying about what random strangers think about that. You are who you are and those who love you will love you because of who you actually are not who you pretend to be. 5
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 You see, smiley1, either we've all got you wrong, or something about what you're saying, simply isn't adding up.... And let me hastily add, this isn't criticism, or judgement. To be honest, we're a caring bunch when you strip it all away, and Toodleoo and I mean well....
Author guest569 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Ive had self esteem issues since before I was born, that's another story. I guess all I can do is just calm down and enjoy his company and see what happens.
Haydn Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Ive had self esteem issues since before I was born, that's another story. I guess all I can do is just calm down and enjoy his company and see what happens. Back off as Toodaloo said. Nothing to be gained here. If he is still on a dating site then you know what is happening. You are still recovering from something. You need to step away gracefully and not be played. Self esteem is fluid. I remember in the past with the girl who brought me here, that when i felt good i felt bad about feeling good. I was over her but my mind wanted to torment me a bit more. Strange how we can do it to ourselves. back away... Rooting for you Smiley. It will come good. 4
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks for the confidence boost Leigh. No wonder my self esteem sux, or maybe my crap self esteem makes people who have never seen me decide that I am a 3/10. Some men think i am stunning, others think i am hideous. Meh. I dunno toodles, I'm not ready to write him off yet. Like i said I wasn't really looking to date, just wanted some fun and friendship. If this doesn't work out i sure as hell am not going to date for now. I am actually finally in a pretty good place, my life is going really well, I'm happy, I'm over my ex. But it always sux to be rejected (even though it hasn't come to that yet, just the thought of it is enough for me) My point was that most women don't get men to fall for them. I sure don't, I know beautiful models that don't. I only know one stunning girl who actually gets ALL men she likes to fall for her! I am in the same group as you! I have no doubt we are stunning to others and ugly to some. Which is why we cannot expect all men we date to be more than lukewarm. Please don't take offence! I am telling you that you and I are NORMAL when we go out on dates and most men aren't that into us. It is the experience of most women! Only exceptionally model like girls like my friend actually gets every guy.
sagamore Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Leigh, don't make smiley's issue about you. And don't make it about looks, either. You seem to be superimposing your own worldview/"stuff" onto someone else's situation. Hang in, smiley. Time will tell. And you're not unlovable. Nearly all of us experience rejection before going on to find love. Both the mediocre-looking ones and the Gisele-types, like us 7
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I actually think my personality is my downfall, not looks! (No doubt many on here can vouch for that)! I am so shy and awkward, although he seems to find it endearing. A lot of people just dont like that. You sound like me! I have loads of guys interested in me initially then my shy and quirky personality scares them. It's never been lack of looks for me, just my personality doesn't easily connect and click with people in general ( not just men) Some men will stay with me despite their aversion to my weirdness..LOL. Like... They will be super attracted to me but be all like " gosh you're odd " If they didn't want ***** my brains out they would have long left. I end up ending it for them because it is NOT a true connection if a guy isn't totally crazy about you on ALL levels....
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Leigh, don't make smiley's issue about you. And don't make it about looks, either. You seem to be superimposing your own worldview/"stuff" onto someone else's situation. Hang in, smiley. Time will tell. And you're not unlovable. Nearly all of us experience rejection before going on to find love. Both the mediocre-looking ones and the Gisele-types, like us I am pointing out that most women won't get every guy they date to fall for them. Only extremely gorgeous girls like my friend avert the OPs issue. My friend also had an amazing personality that men love too. I was conveying that we ALL go through what the OP is! And only a tiiiiiiny portion of women manage to avoid it!
Leigh 87 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Dw I think your lack of self confidence and self worth is your downfall. Not your personality or that you are shy or awkward. Being shy and awkward can be really attractive. Thinking that you are not worth the dog poo someone stepped in is not... Just breathe Smiley. You have many aspects to your personality that are fantastic. What you need to do now is stop worrying about what random strangers think about that. You are who you are and those who love you will love you because of who you actually are not who you pretend to be. She acts like it's something about her that's causing rejections and men to be lukewarm. That's the tone she adopts. She made out like she doesn't think she has what it takes to get a guy. Which I know isn't true - she is definately worthy and a nice sounding person and she needs to learn that it's not HER fault. As you know Toodaloo, many men have rejected both you and I on our stint of online dating. And you can't go thinking it's YOU. Ok, well unless you of something pretty embarrassing on the first date or so, which I doubt Smiley does.
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 If I do a disappearing act I could ruin what could be something. Similarly if I speak up. No no no no no. I mean about speaking up. If you are feeling this way AND ESPECIALLY SINCE HE IS STILL LOOKING, you are hurting yourself by not speaking up. If you do and that ends it, so be it. If you speak up and it turns out he really wants to be with you, then that's the way it will be. It "could be" what it is right now, most likely - you getting invested in a guy who is not invested in you. I'm sorry. :( It hurts, but at least you have put in just short time and it won't take too long for you to feel better once this is over. I think they call what you're doing "settling for breadcrumbs" around here?? You should NOT.
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 They may stick with me and start out relationships, but they never fall in love with me. (I am Unloveable) No no no no no never say that about yourself, ever!! :mad: I bet you just choose to invest in guys who are not going to love you plus you need to feel better about yourself than you do, just from your posts. 1
Author guest569 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Thanks for your advice and support everyone. I am going to calm the hell down, slowwwww down, focus on my important tasks and see what happens. I hope my gut feeling is wrong. I am probably being a bit preliminary and irrational at the moment in my head. 1
edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) Leigh... I hope you don't take offense... I've been meaning to refer to your posts (in general) on loveshack. But I am sure you are in your 20s. I see myself in you when I was in my 20s. This whole thing about falling for someone right away otherwise it's not right, and also having to be a model to win guys... come on!!! Maybe vapid guys who are not worth it. Is that what you want? Really? I prefer intellect and someone who can see me beyond looks. Sorry girl -- this all is very 20s like and smells of low self esteem and what the media and Hollywood tells you. This is not real love not even close. The things you talk about are what the media is selling you and you're buying. Wake up please. Most worthwhile relationships do not work like this and guys who only fall for models are the stupidest kind that I wouldn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole. I hope you get to see eventually that these things you consider important are not, for most people. I guess only time makes us see this. These things you keep saying just play on young women self esteem. I believe the best relationships start out with BOTH parties falling hard for one another. Not everyone is a beauty queen who will ALWAYS make the men they date fall hard for them. Only exceptionally model like girls like my friend actually gets every guy. Edited September 19, 2015 by edgygirl 3
edgygirl Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 The problem is men can tell when we're starting to be irrational and clingy... even if we don't say anything. Chill girl! Get busy like everyone said and do your thing. If he doesn't step up to the game in the 2-3 months mark, say you had a great time but things are not working, goodbye. Thanks for your advice and support everyone. I am going to calm the hell down, slowwwww down, focus on my important tasks and see what happens. I hope my gut feeling is wrong. I am probably being a bit preliminary and irrational at the moment in my head. 2
Author guest569 Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 This whole thing about falling for someone right away otherwise it's not right, and also having to be a model to win guys... come on!!! Maybe vapid guys who are not worth it. Is that what you want? Really? I prefer intellect and someone who can see me beyond looks. Hear, hear. I'm not sure where that came from Leigh, as I never mentioned looks! The physical appearance doesn't make someone love you. That is just attraction which helps initially get people together, but your argument that only supermodels can win hearts is ludicrous. The problem is men can tell when we're starting to be irrational and clingy... even if we don't say anything. Chill girl! Get busy like everyone said and do your thing. If he doesn't step up to the game in the 2-3 months mark, say you had a great time but things are not working, goodbye. yes I am sure that is the case! It's probably written all over my face and crazy eyes. and it is really not very sensible the way I am feeling. Slowly... *breathes* 1
edgygirl Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Thanks I am glad you agree. These statements keep being repeated in several threads and I believe it comes from her personal insecurities and I don't see why keep dropping it on other women. That's why I finally had to say something as I think the statements only reinforce the women-bashing concept that to attract a good guy you have to look amazing or that this is what (most) men are looking for. From my experience that's something most women feel in their 20s. So sad. If I could go back I'd tell the 20-25 yo me: "hey stupid, that's not what matters... and you look amazing!" And guess what? All the guys from my youth which in my mind would only fall for "models" ended up getting married to totally average women and even ugly women! Believe me, most men look for someone they have emotional compatibility with and that they are attracted to, yes, but the thing about having to look like a beauty queen to win guys is super high-school and immature. As is the concept that only immediate chemistry can work. Sorry not trying to bash anyone but relationships are already so hard and I don't think dropping our own insecurities here is really helpful. Hear, hear. I'm not sure where that came from Leigh, as I never mentioned looks! The physical appearance doesn't make someone love you. That is just attraction which helps initially get people together, but your argument that only supermodels can win hearts is ludicrous. I know cause I tend to do the same when I'm smitten (which is kind of rare, so when I am smitten, I really am!). Slowly realizing that they can smell my anxiety and just trying to be chill... But not chill to the point that they do whatever they want. If things don't slowly but surely increase, it means this guy no matter how wonderful is not meant to be the one for us, and we have to just say thanks but no thanks and move on. * breathing * together with you yes I am sure that is the case! It's probably written all over my face and crazy eyes. and it is really not very sensible the way I am feeling. Slowly... *breathes* 3
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