When to back out? I'm going to get hurt

[guest569]

Been seeing someone over a month and thought things were going well, getting the feeling he has lost interest and seems a bit distant (or just busy?). I check on the dating site now and then just to see if he has been on and he always has recently been on and even updated his bio.

 

I'm already feeling hurt because I know that he is not as interested as I am. I am preparing for the rejection talk. We are scheduled to meet up again but i dont know whether to just back off or talk about it, seems a bit early and of serious a thing to talk about.

 

I had no idea i would end up so invested. I still think maybe he is interested but I have this awful feeling that I'm about to get heart broken. I'm already feeling heart broken.

[Yummm]

Sorry this is happening.

 

Are you for sure? What are his actions doing that make you feel like he's becoming distant, or is it a gut feeling?

 

I'm like you, get invested quickly at things I should have more control over, but it just means that you're a person full of love.

 

Start to prepare yourself by cutting yourself back emotionally, it won't take long as you've only been dating for a month. Get back on the dating site yourself and speak to others to distract yourself, I guess this is why people say it's good to multidate (i'm currently doing that) and it really does help keep your emotions in check until you really meet someone right.

 

Hugs xox

[Toodaloo]

Time for you to back right off. Stop logging on and checking on him. Respond to his texts in a timely manner but let him chase you.

 

Go out with your friends take up a new class or go to the gym, start running or yoga or something. Anything so that you are keeping busy and active.

 

If he does go, its alright. Far better that you are single and available for the right one who will be into you than fretting over a guy who isn't all that bothered.

 

Relax Smiley - if this one doesn't work then that is OK. Its not the end of the world because there will be one out there for you.

[scorpiogirl]

You already know he's not "busy".

 

If it were me, I'd tell him I've noticed a change and he seems distant. I saw he's been online with an updated profile and clearly we're on two different pages.

 

Not said with any malice, no sadness. Don't wait to be rejected. He's going to keep this up and throw little morsels at you. You may not have had the exclusivity talk but if he's updated his profile, he's actively looking for something else, not looking to see where things go with you.

 

Retain your dignity by not waiting for him to call/ text/ stop looking.

No man who wants you will keep you guessing. You know this.

 

Feel better.

[TaraMaiden2]

Now.

Right now.

Persistence and desire, neediness, a clinging/grasping attitude are what are breaking your heart.

Not him.

He's acting normally for a guy in the dating scene.

Reading too much into it, too soon, is your burden.

As Toodaloo says, you need to relax.

Not meet every guy with the forethought, "Is he 'the one'...?

Am I going to get swept off my feet?

Will this be my 'Happy Ever After'...?"

 

*News Flash*:There IS no happy ever after.

There is 'Happy right now, because that's the way I want to be'.

And as many will tell you - Life is a series of 'Nows'.

 

So be happy now, and Mr Right will find you happy.

That makes for a very attractive prospect.

 

How do you get 'happy'?

By realising that it doesn't take or need someone significant in your life to fulfil who you are.

 

When you achieve that happy state, things begin to happen.

Before that, instead of exuding happiness, it's not a good idea to harbour desperation and speak of heartbreak.....

[Zippy2000]

Im sorry to hear about him being distant but the facts speak the truth.

 

You mention he has recently been online on the dating site. This is the problem with OLD. Too many choices or he is talking to different people.

 

Its possible he gave you a chance but is now keeping his options open by the amount of available women on OLD.

 

If he though you were the one then I dont think he would maximise his opportunities by updating his bio/profile.

 

I d say continue to date and see where it goes and if it is going very well say after 6 months with constant dating then decide to ask him to take his profile down.

 

That said. What evidence do you have to show he is pulling away? For example texts slowing down or lack of phone calls? More information would be great.

[guest569]

It feels as though his texts are slowing, but most of all it is a gut feeling. And of course the fact he is still looking, ouch. Perhaps that makes me a moron for falling too fast, so be it. I am not saying he is the one, but i like him and thiink he is amazing, I am not willing to put myself in this position again. If he is not sure about me and I am, I think i need to stop. If someone is lukewarm about you, it's not a good sign is it.

 

My ex did this, met 10 other women whilst we were dating and he never fell in love with me during the relationship, it took me 20 months to get over him. I'm finally over him and setting myself up for more heartache.

[TaraMaiden2]

Then break the (potential) pattern, now.

[Yummm]

It feels as though his texts are slowing, but most of all it is a gut feeling. And of course the fact he is still looking, ouch. Perhaps that makes me a moron for falling too fast, so be it. I am not saying he is the one, but i like him and thiink he is amazing, I am not willing to put myself in this position again. If he is not sure about me and I am, I think i need to stop. If someone is lukewarm about you, it's not a good sign is it.

 

My ex did this, met 10 other women whilst we were dating and he never fell in love with me during the relationship, it took me 20 months to get over him. I'm finally over him and setting myself up for more heartache.

 

Then do the same sweetie, date others, have some fun and detach yourself before it's too late.

[guest569]

Then do the same sweetie, date others, have some fun and detach yourself before it's too late.

 

No, I'm not going to date others. I am extremely busy but its not enough to distract me. I have no desire to date others and need to focus on important stuff right now, but its hard to do so.

[guest569]

If I do a disappearing act I could ruin what could be something. Similarly if I speak up.

[Yummm]

No, I'm not going to date others. I am extremely busy but its not enough to distract me. I have no desire to date others and need to focus on important stuff right now, but its hard to do so.

 

Then try your best to focus on what's important to you now if you're so busy, use that as distraction. Don't completely disappear but your gut usually speaks the truth, so play along with it. If he's going more cold, do the same. If he genuinely cares enough he won't fade just because you're taking a step back.

 

Time will tell, you don't need to let yourself have a heartbreak from this - yes, perhaps you got a little too emotionally invested, but as it's only been a month you can detach from this alot quicker than you think.

[Celeste.Carol]

I tried to do OLD and lasted about 2 weeks and paid for 6 months. It was creepy to me to have strangers commenting on my pics etc. I believe it is not a set up that guarantees ample success simply because of how men are wired.

 

 

They meet someone they are wowed by but it has been factually stated from some source I cannot remember that men get addicted to looking and the chase therefore they ruin a good match.

 

 

They become delusional in searching and thought processes, such as wow this woman is a 9, successful, has her own money and life BUT BUT if I can attain this, maybe I can find a 10...and so on. They screw up and will probably end up alone or settling for a 5 in the end! Ha!

[scorpiogirl]

If I do a disappearing act I could ruin what could be something. Similarly if I speak up.

 

I think you can only ruin something by "speaking up" if he's trying to hide something and has been found out.

 

However, do what you think is best. Just follow your instincts. They're seldom wrong.

[BluEyeL]

I usually gave them two months to step it up . Talking about it at this early stage will end it . I usually waited the 2 months and then had the break up talk with them and ended it. It's ok when before one month someone is not very invested in you but also someone who is a potential boyfriend will be rather consistent with dates and will treat you right . Updating his profile is bothersome.

[Jj66]

Make sure you aren't sending him signals of disinterest before trying to interpret his signals of disinterest. I always distance myself when I feel the woman isn't really into me. It's a way of protecting myself from being hurt.

 

A relevant case in point:

I've updated my profile before when seeing someone that I thought wasn't that into me. I liked her and I wasn't actively looking for someone so I guess I was just preparing for the inevitable breakup. When we were together for about 2 months and I was sure of her interest I disabled my profile.

[Popsicle]

Disable your profile and TELL him that you did next time you see him. Then see if he follows suit. If he doesn't then you'll have your answer.

[jen1447]

Your gut's almost never wrong simley, so ....

 

Take it from me, the best thing to do here, both for your peace of mind and practically, is beat him to the punch and either end it or put him in orbit. That way at least you're exiting with some amount of control over the situation, and your dignity. About the worst thing you can do emotionally and spiritually is sit back and wait to be dealt with in whatever way he eventually gets around to, whether that be dumping you or putting you out to pasture himself.

 

Seriously hon, act now. It sucks but there will be others. Your instinct's trying to spare you the worst of the hurt, so let it and make a move now.

[fitnessfan365]

Online status itself is a grey area. Let's say that two people are dating each other and they repeatedly go on to see if the other person has been online. Technically it will say they've been on regularly, but it's b/c they're actively spying on each other. So this makes them even more paranoid. Also, someone can be completely happy dating you, but still read emails just out of curiosity. Back before I became exclusive w/my GF, I had no intention of dating anyone else, but still liked to read emails as a source of entertainment.

 

But in this case smiley, I'd worry b/c he updated his bio. To me that says that he wants to attract new women. When you combine that w/him being more distant, I'd say your instincts are right on the money. As I said before though, online status alone isn't enough to get suspicious over.

[guest569]

That's right, I wasn't too bothered that he is still on there but my heart sank when I saw the update.

 

What jj said has crossed my mind too, perhaps he thinks I'm not interested. He does usually initiate everything. I initiated the last contact and he wasn't very responsive I don't think. Didn't really ask me any qs but he has never been overly into texting. I don't know, maybe it is paranoia but either way he can't be all that wowed due to the profile update..

 

Sigh..

[guest569]

Not meet every guy with the forethought, "Is he 'the one'...?

Am I going to get swept off my feet?

Will this be my 'Happy Ever After'...?"

 

*News Flash*:There IS no happy ever after.

There is 'Happy right now, because that's the way I want to be'.

And as many will tell you - Life is a series of 'Nows'.

 

So be happy now, and Mr Right will find you happy.

That makes for a very attractive prospect.

 

How do you get 'happy'?

By realising that it doesn't take or need someone significant in your life to fulfil who you are.

 

 

I dont quite know where you got any of this from? I'm not going and meeting guys with false expectations. I was looking for some fun and just met one guy. I'm not even looking for the one or love, I am currently very happy with my life and not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet thank you very much.

 

I think I am allowed to be a bit saddened by this.

[TaraMaiden2]

I dont quite know where you got any of this from?

 

 

Your 1st & 2nd posts (#1 & #7) seemed to indicate that you'd made an excessive emotional investment, which was never reciprocated at any time... which made you feel, as you put it, 'heartbroken'.

 

Given the thread title, and the fact that you'd only been connecting for 1 month, it seemed to my perception, that you were disproportionately too far in, given the indifference he now seemed to be displaying....

 

I'm not going and meeting guys with false expectations. I was looking for some fun and just met one guy. I'm not even looking for the one or love, I am currently very happy with my life and not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet thank you very much.

That's not how it came across.... I think others may have been left with the same impression....?

 

I think I am allowed to be a bit saddened by this.

'Heartbroken' is a bit more than 'saddened'.... Just my PoV....

[guest569]

Your 1st & 2nd posts (#1 & #7) seemed to indicate that you'd made an excessive emotional investment, which was never reciprocated at any time... which made you feel, as you put it, 'heartbroken'.

 

Given the thread title, and the fact that you'd only been connecting for 1 month, it seemed to my perception, that you were disproportionately too far in, given the indifference he now seemed to be displaying....

 

 

That's not how it came across.... I think others may have been left with the same impression....?

 

 

'Heartbroken' is a bit more than 'saddened'.... Just my PoV....

 

I made no references to "love" or "the one". I am not naive. Thats not where i am at, I feel like you've used your experience or imagination to fill in some gaps. I appreciate the advice but just want to clarify that I am certainly not as you described. Basically met someone i really like and feel like its about to end. I dont see why I can use the term heartbreak for that. That is how i feel.

[Leigh 87]

I believe the best relationships start out with BOTH parties falling hard for one another.

 

The best relationships start out with BOTH people really into each other with no online profiles, no desire to date others.....

 

I never had to wonder about my current boyfriend. He isn't a texter either. It was just an overall " feeling " I got. I felt safe and secure in his interest. A " gut feeling ". While I also knew most men are @ssholes and I definately didn't expect my gut feeling to always be fact, I still felt pretty good about him.

 

There shouldn't be any multi dating or updating profiles. If he was smitten he would make it known.

 

Stop bothering with guys who start out lukewarm about you. Men never go from lukewarm to madly in love.

[jam.over.jelly]

Ahhh, see the thing with OLD is that you are always gonna be in the dark whether or not he's talking to other people, and what he really is doing still logging on. We all go through this, but the best way to handle this is to not obsessed over his profile. If you can, block him completely from the dating site, so that you won't know what he's up to online, and just worry about you, and enjoy the time you spend with him. If you want a relationship with him, or with any man, date multiple men at the same time, invest in yourself (time with friends, your hobbies) instead of worrying about if he's dating other people, and just genuinely enjoy his company when you spend time with him. Eventually, if he chooses you over others, that's because you have shown him you are secure, and that you are always fun to be around. If he doesn't, then there is also a reason to that, it means that you shouldn't be with him, but with someone else, who will choose you over others.