OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Hi, I have been talking with this man online, we had hit it off and share so much in common. We talk a lot now, and there is definite chemistry there. He is a lot older than I (me 20, him 26, he probably is thinking marriage) and wants to come visit my parents (I must admit it was also at my urginig to want to see him, too-- because if it works online, must see if we can hit it off in person, too, as a next step I guess). He is Muslim though and I am Christian. I found this out recently. My father strongly opposes it, in fact forbids it. When I started crying and getting emotional, my dad added that it would be a different situation (reluctantly) if I was to ask him later, after I finish my PhD-- basically because he also thinks I am too young to get involved in a serious relationship, and wants me to finish my PhD before I consider getting married (it is also his fear/belief that in a Muslim relationship the only way a woman can have power is through having higher education than a man). My father's bigotry is something I am going to have deal with, though. Now I am stuck on how to best tell this man about my situation! He wants to know what my parents think.... I don't want him to think I was leading him on, because I truly feel we "click" and got excited over this and wanted him to visit. I don't know how to preserve this until later (keep communicating online and never meet)? Maybe just forget about it altogether and tell him my father disapproves, no communication between us again whatsoever? Or otherwise tell him my parents think I am too young now for a serious relationship (which is what they see this could potentially turn into), and see if he still wants to communication (online only) with me? Would this even be reasonable? What do you all think?
prncssfce9 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 I would like to start by apologizing ahead of time in cast this comes across as too harsh or mean. I will say now that my intentions are not to be mean or hurtful ... however you are in need of some tough love! That being said.... You need to stop living for other people and start living for yourself! You are 20 years old, not 10 and your Daddy should not be making your decsions for you! You need to decide what you want to do. If you like this guy meet him, really what is the harm in that? You're Father's opinions of the Muslim faith are ignorant (i'm assuming) and higher education will have little to no effect on the outcome of the relationship. IF this were to develop into a serious relationship that would not hinder your pursuit of education, there is no law saying you can't be in school if you are married. Hell you'll actually get boat loads of grant money if you are! On that note ... You haven't even met this guy and already you think he's "thinkig of marriage"? He is a 26 year old man, trust me he's not! Guys (generalizing here) pretty much only consider marriage when you start telling them to. It's not really up there on most guys lists of "things to do at 26" Truthfully he's probably more interested in sleeping with you than marrying you. Now a question .... Do YOU want to finish your PhD or are you being ordered to?? This goes back to the whole, "figure out what you want to do with your life" thing. Also, this is an internet boy??? Why are meeting boys on the internet?? You are in college, there should be an ample supply of local boys you could be playing with. Go out, have fun REBEL!! It really sounds like you need to. This is a guess, but I am guessing you lived a VERY sheltered life. Your Father has likely had your life planned out for you for years and now you are feeling guilty that you will be unable to live up to the expectations that have been set for you. Here is the best advice I can give you ... TO HELL WITH HIS EXPECTATIONS!! MAKE YOUR OWN. Hope that helps ... and again sorry if i was too harsh!
HokeyReligions Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Give your dad some credit -- maybe he knows a little more than you. You haven't even met this guy yet and you are bringing up marriage!! That sounds terribly immature to me and I would be worried about my child's future too with that attitude.
SexKitten Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Give your dad some credit -- maybe he knows a little more than you. You haven't even met this guy yet and you are bringing up marriage!! That sounds terribly immature to me and I would be worried about my child's future too with that attitude. i'm with hokey on this one. slow down. your father's concern has a lot of merit.
SexKitten Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by prncssfce9 You're Father's opinions of the Muslim faith are ignorant (i'm assuming) and higher education will have little to no effect on the outcome of the relationship. IF this were to develop into a serious relationship that would not hinder your pursuit of education, there is no law saying you can't be in school if you are married. Hell you'll actually get boat loads of grant money if you are! i think you need to do a little more research before you go spouting off this kind of information.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 This is your decision to make, not your father's, although his concerns are valid. Go and rent the movie "Not Without My Daughter".
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Thank you thank you thank you for all your opinions everyone!! I really thought about it.... and am hesitant not only because he is Muslim, but because also this is over the Net, he has not told HIS parents about it either (meaning more than likely he just does want to sleep with me), and the big difference in age. It is not only my dad who is against it.... my entire herd of uncles, aunts, cousins, second cousins, etc. totally are opposed to Muslims and will not even associate with them. So I would basically be isolating myself from my entire family and extended family if I started dating him... So I feel I might just write an email telling him that my parents prefer I get involved with a Christian... that I thought they would have an open mind but unfortunately that's not the case... and that I did not mean to lead him on or anything. He is infatuated with me right now, though, and I am not sure what this could make him do... I don't want him to crazily come to my house and cause drama or anything... that is a secondary thing I'm worrying about!!
SexKitten Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by OBXJ1 I don't want him to crazily come to my house and cause drama or anything... that is a secondary thing I'm worrying about!! if this was something you needed to worry about, you shouldn't want to get involved with him in the first place. scary. stay away!!!
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 So I guess I should find a nice way to say 'no I can't be involved with you' and leave it at that I guess.. maybe if we lived closer there would have been a possibility? Or would it be wise just to flat out say I can't be with you because I talked with my parents and they really prefer me to date a Christian-- and not even include the "possible" it-might-work-out-if-you-were-closer-by deal..
SexKitten Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 i am saying he may be dangerous, and you should forget about him.
Elmo Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 You mention "until I finish my PhD"...if you are 20 don't you have years to go until that point? If you are living with your Dad and dependent upon him, what he says means alot. If you want to be independent and make your own decisions, move out, pay your way... Finally, meeting people on-line is fine. But you have to meet the person face to face and then begin to have a real relationship. On-line relationships are fun, but fantasy. Meet him if you want and see what the reality is. I'm thinking he's not what he portrays himself to be. Anyway...if you do set up a meeting, do it in a public place. There are some real evil people in the world looking to lure naive girls such as yourself. I'm not putting you down for being naive....you just seem to be a bit sheltered. Nothing wrong with that, just please be careful of the on-line romances. Everyone is not honest, kind and what they write is not always true. And....26 is not that much older than 20! If you met the right guy, it would be a fine age difference. Young men mature a bit later than girls.
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Even if I do move out and become independent, I would have to completely cut myself off from my family and extended family if I start associating or dating with a Muslim man... I really don't want to do that.. I am thinking I may just email him saying I'm sorry but my parents won't allow it.. and that I wish him the best.. Is it really that hasty to cut off a relationship like that? Because even if we still communicate online, at some point he would want to come visit me, and he lives far away so that would seem very "serious" to my parents' eyes! And definitely a no-no.. So the distance is another thing..
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 He being muslim, should understand your devotion to your parents and concern for their feelings.
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 MWC.... I wish!! Oh no.... I emailed him telling him I don't think it'd work out, to please just find another girl, and unfortunately he's not understanding!! He's saying I'm giving up easy.. that we both had a really strong connection and I'm just giving up on it, and he's not going to lose me, he's determined to get me.. That he doesn't mean to disrespect my parents but I should stand up for myself.. Help!! I don't want to sound insensitive and leave a sour impression on him of me!! I really just want him to let me go and find other girls now, because it would never work out, my family and extended family being the way they are! He just doesn't seem to understand, after I told him this! Should I just ignore his emails now and hope he doesn't try to pursue me further?? He could find out where I live... I have a strong fear of this! If he did, that would cause a lot of complications!! I don't know what to do..!
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 This is tearing me up and I know it is to him, too... I feel so bad reading what he has to say.. he's telling me I'm one in a million, he'll never find one like me again.. He still wants to talk to me... is there any harm done if I keep talking to him? I'm thinking about just telling him that maybe after I get my PhD, if we cross paths again, then we will see? Because two things are troubling me... the religion part, and then my age... Do you all think my parents (specifically dad) will take me more seriously if I'm older, and perhaps my family will then understand? If I prove I can be independent? People... What are your overall feelings in general about this whole situation? Please do share...
SexKitten Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 the fact that you worry about him going crazy and coming to your home unannounced should trouble you also. honey, you're 20. do you know how long it takes to get a ph.d? a long time. get over this man. it is not going to work out. it is making you very mentally unhealthy and you have not even met him. tell him you must stop contact at once. no apologies. and then let it go. MOVE ON.
Author OBXJ1 Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Thanks Kitten.. your advice is really wise.. Even though this man seems so unique to me, my family has basically said forget him or forget us.. even though it's just "online" for now, they are seeing the potential it might develop into.. I guess I am just glad I asked them early on, rather than later, when it would be harder to let go!! Ah I wish different religions didn't exist... always causing us trouble
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