Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 there was a guy I was getting to know last year... I found him quite domineering and he sort of didn't really know boundaries that well. He would call in the middle of my lectures, not allow me to go home even if I had a working week the next week, once I was sick and he wouldn't let me go home as he thought I was playing some sort of game and once he turned up to my house uninvited. I dated him for four months, putting it down to him being " rusty" and I called it " typical Christian man syndrome" a guy whose been single for a long time and not really knowing how to sort of "act normal with a woman". I think he just didn't know how to have boundaries after all he was single for 6 years... I did tell him my boundaries and he listened but after four months with college etc.. I just decided to end it, it was getting a bit stressful for me at that time to try and date and make it work with all my assignments etc... I caught up with him last night the first time in almost a year and I saw something different in him. First of all, I went home and he didn't try and convince me to stay which was cool and he's not in a obsessive needy mood like "has to see me tomorrow" kind of thing. He's politically conservative, I'm liberal, He's quite forthright I am more of a free-spirit, He doesn't believe in "climate change" believing it's a myth and I am all about sustainability and environmental awareness and hugging trees. I think because my window of fertility is closing.. I often wonder about his potential... sometimes some woman may have to "settle" it's not an entirely bad thing I don't think... but I wonder if settling for your complete opposite is that setting yourself up for disaster? I see a lot of potential in this man. Some men who have been single for a long time, the best cure for their " typical christian man syndrome" is to actually get married. I'm just looking at his potential for now and I am seeing a lot of it.
Tayla Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Contingent on the attributes, it can be a growing experience. some polar opposites compliment, where one is budget conscious, it can guide the spend a holic. Where one is stiff lipped, the other who has humor or wit can re address the attitude to be easier about things. For some it works well. Now if you are a monogamous person and your partner is a cheater, yeah.... that isn't going to work so well. Same with some core beliefs. Its best to appreciate that extreme from afar. perhaps there is no definitive yes or no to your inquiry, so much as , where do you have your healthy boundaries set?
Baltogal Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Yes they do...and no it doesn't last. Plain a d simple. I wasted 5 years on that ****...walk away
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I am hopelessly attracted to my opposite, but I wish I wasn't, because it doesn't really work. I don't know what to do about it though...
todreaminblue Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 it depends on what opposites as a poster suggested...on core values and beliefs no......i dont think it lasts for example faithful and unfaithful..and i feel a lot of the time that people may appear to be opposites but match far more once they are together than apart because opposites bring more to a union than a totally similar couple would...a harmony of opposites...and i guess that what really counts ......harmony or a balance in union ......deb
Tayla Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I am hopelessly attracted to my opposite, but I wish I wasn't, because it doesn't really work. I don't know what to do about it though... sorry to read that... is it personality traits or more on attitudes and core beliefs? I'd be interested in understanding ...
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Yes they do...and no it doesn't last. Plain a d simple. I wasted 5 years on that ****...walk away Would it be okay Baltogal to hear about your story? If it is too painful then I understand
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 sorry to read that... is it personality traits or more on attitudes and core beliefs? I'd be interested in understanding ... as would I examples of experience would be appreciated
Cupid's Puppet Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Are you of different faiths? If you are looking for an example my last serious relationship of 7 years was with someone who I was, as they say, unequally yoked with. We had different views on everything. If I said the sky was blue, he said it was orange. At times I felt like he just wanted to have a contrarian opinion. Anyway, the major difference between us was that I was an atheist and he was a Christian. We tried very hard to make that work, but it's hard to grow with someone with such opposite beliefs as you. If you guys just disagree over things like the environment or you're an extrovert and he's an introvert, then that's not a big deal. But if one of you celebrates Halloween or Christmas and the other one doesn't...or someone plans to discipline the kids with a belt and the other one doesn't...or someone wants to live in the city and the other one doesn't...then imo those are the things that won't lead to a lasting romance. Your vision for your future and family life have to be aligned. Your core beliefs have to be aligned, and I am talking those beliefs that shape your daily behavior. If you are hugging trees all day long then you will eventually want a partner who support you in your efforts or you will resent your mate for not being there to share in your passion.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Are you of different faiths? If you are looking for an example my last serious relationship of 7 years was with someone who I was, as they say, unequally yoked with. We had different views on everything. If I said the sky was blue, he said it was orange. At times I felt like he just wanted to have a contrarian opinion. Anyway, the major difference between us was that I was an atheist and he was a Christian. We tried very hard to make that work, but it's hard to grow with someone with such opposite beliefs as you. If you guys just disagree over things like the environment or you're an extrovert and he's an introvert, then that's not a big deal. But if one of you celebrates Halloween or Christmas and the other one doesn't...or someone plans to discipline the kids with a belt and the other one doesn't...or someone wants to live in the city and the other one doesn't...then imo those are the things that won't lead to a lasting romance. Your vision for your future and family life have to be aligned. Your core beliefs have to be aligned, and I am talking those beliefs that shape your daily behavior. If you are hugging trees all day long then you will eventually want a partner who support you in your efforts or you will resent your mate for not being there to share in your passion. Hi there, Yes both a Christians, but I have "fallen off the wagon" more times than he has admittedly. I'm a bit nervous about his " very domineering" personality. Physically he's a lot bigger than I am. His belly enters the room before he does, where as I like to run up hills. We live in the same city but in different parts. Our city isn't huge so we can definitely see each other but where he lives in his part of the city, I could never live there. I want to go travelling as well and see more parts of the world, but I am willing to sacrifice that dream as I think having children at my age is more important ( in my 30's you see). I think when you date in your 30's, that big list you once has, get's smaller and smaller. Travelling for him is not a major priority at this stage, he's only been to one other country before and he's not in a major hurry to explore others. But what I am saying is that I could compromise. I just wonder if I was a bit blinded to see his potential. Plus doing mission trips is something I quite like to do still and and I have a real passion for social justice and I'm not entirely sure if he's on that same path exactly, but as for having a family and providing for one he's all game.
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 sorry to read that... is it personality traits or more on attitudes and core beliefs? I'd be interested in understanding ... Mostly personality traits, because I'm fairly put off by potential mates who have opposite attitudes and core beliefs. With the personality traits, being opposite, it just becomes harder and harder to emotionally connect because you can't relate to and understand each other. I would love for it to be a thing where we both appreciate each others different personality traits and be the strong person where the other is weak, but that is an ideal that I have yet to achieve and don't know how to. Something just always goes wrong with it.
GemmaUK Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 there was a guy I was getting to know last year... I found him quite domineering and he sort of didn't really know boundaries that well. He would call in the middle of my lectures, not allow me to go home even if I had a working week the next week, once I was sick and he wouldn't let me go home as he thought I was playing some sort of game and once he turned up to my house uninvited He just sounds controlling and possessive to me. When you met up again - well he knows he can't be controlling at all because he isn't in a relationship with you. I dated a guy for 7 months who happened to be Christian and he was like that, is it a Christian thing? No idea. With m ex it all started out good and then pretty soon after I was in the wrong for something or other every few days. He never respected any boundaries and his view was that all and any free time I had was not mine but his. He had a whole life plan set out and my thoughts on it and timings were irrelevant. His plan was for me to be stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere (I don't drive) with a huge dog (a breed which I have previously been attacked by twice) as a guard dog for my protection (he would traing this dog and he had already told me proudly of his abusive dog training tactics from when he last owned a dog) and I would be able to get out of the house on weekends when he was home from working away all week. He didn't want me to work, he actually told me to quit my job a few times while we dated. I didn't. I kinda have a mortgage and bills to pay.... but he wanted me to quit because he didn't like me having contact with people, men especially as he thought I would cheat. It was a totally ridiculous relationship and he was very difficult to get away from. I had never met anyone like him and I thought he was joking by some of the daft things he said in the early days. He wasn't joking, he was deadly serious. If you get back together with this guy I believe he will revert to type and think he is entitled to control you again. His red flags from the first time you dated are the kind of things that will only get worse. The above is only a small fraction of the ways he tried (and failed) to control me and I suspect your description is also only a fraction too.
Ami1uwant Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 For me there are certain beliefs I want them to agree with me. I don't believe opposites attract...especially if your core beliefs/values are different. I don't believe opposites attract. Especially if your fore values are in direct conflict. If you have the same core beliefs but have different interests and personalities you can complement each other.
Cupid's Puppet Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) Hi there, Yes both a Christians, but I have "fallen off the wagon" more times than he has admittedly. I'm a bit nervous about his " very domineering" personality. Physically he's a lot bigger than I am. His belly enters the room before he does, where as I like to run up hills. We live in the same city but in different parts. Our city isn't huge so we can definitely see each other but where he lives in his part of the city, I could never live there. I want to go travelling as well and see more parts of the world, but I am willing to sacrifice that dream as I think having children at my age is more important ( in my 30's you see). I think when you date in your 30's, that big list you once has, get's smaller and smaller. Travelling for him is not a major priority at this stage, he's only been to one other country before and he's not in a major hurry to explore others. But what I am saying is that I could compromise. I just wonder if I was a bit blinded to see his potential. Plus doing mission trips is something I quite like to do still and and I have a real passion for social justice and I'm not entirely sure if he's on that same path exactly, but as for having a family and providing for one he's all game. I am not in my 30s, but I am getting very close to it. I too have been thinking about having a family and recently tried to get impregnated by this guy. But for me, I would raise my kid on my own. If you are looking to have a traditional family, then I would caution against your current plan of settling. You never know what life will throw at you, and for bad times you are going to need a partner who will be...a partner. Case in point, I had a coworker who was telling me how stressed she was because she has to make a major decision in her life right now. She talked about how she has no support system because her mom and aunts or whoever she used to rely on all died. She said her husband is not the type who helps in making big decisions. She wants to include him and wishes he would comfort her, but that just never was him. So really think about that. Is this guy someone who would comfort you and hold your hands through tough times? Do you share a vision of what you both want to achieve as a couple? ETA: If you like to travel and he doesn't like to travel, then you will get bored by him. You know you want someone to do those things with. I personally like to travel and go out and I could never be with a home body. Edited September 18, 2015 by Cupid's Puppet
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