contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Hello all again, A few days ago I made a thread for the woman I am with to help cheer her up some, whom many of you contributed and thank you for (she did see it and said it made her smile), but I am here again, in part to maybe vent and also maybe get some advise. We met on this forum and talk for several months before starting to date, and have been doing so for about 4~5 months now. Getting together has always been difficult due to both our work schedule and the fact that we live about 100 miles apart. Thus at best we would see each other 2 to 3 times a month. This became a major strain and it affected her a lot at times, but when we would meet, it would be like magic in a sense. As mentioned before, she has had some major health issues come up, and just last week it got even worst of another condition appearing. I won't go into what she has to respect her privacy but it is serious. On top this, she works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week in a very demanding job, but the new health thing was in essence the last thing that seems to have broken her. She just wants to be alone and doesn't want anyone around. And it is killing me inside, because I know it isn't a matter of not wanting to be with me or anyone else, but that she is so distraught at everything she has to deal that she just now wants to isolate herself and be alone, just letting the days past as in her mind there seems like no hope for her now. I love this woman dearly and am doing everything I can think of to try to help and support her, but she won't take any of the help, and a big part of that also is she is very independent in nature and will tend to refuse any help. She still text me and responses to texts that I send her, but no matter what I say, I can't get her out of thinking she needs to do this alone. Just this week I finally got through with arrangements from my job to be able to work from anywhere, thus I could finally move to where she lives and we would be able to spend a tremendous amount of time together now. But it seems I was just a bit too late, and it hurts so much knowing that now I can be there with and for her, how we use to talk about being together in our own place. I'm completely lost in what to do. A part of me feels to keep giving her space and that maybe in time she will get better and want to continue things again. But another part of me wants to just drive over there now and hold her tight, refusing to let her to force herself to be alone, but I know that would just push her away even further I feel. Things between us haven't "ended", but she says she just doesn't have anything left to put any emotional energy into anything, that days just pass by her like a daze, she works, gets home, showers, naps, wakes up to take a shot, and goes back to sleep to go to work again. And I'm suffering inside, because in my mind I know it isn't something I did, but in my heart I feel like a complete failure, not being able to be there for her and feeling like I was too late in finally be able to be with her permanently... I'm at a lost now and all I can do is just stay hurt for now and cry at night, spinning my head thinking on what to do......
Methodical Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Your woman is smart and independent. She's in the middle of a major health crisis and at first, she thought she'd pulled a muscle or something...tho I suspect she had an inkling but didn't want to face a harsh reality. Once she wrapped her mind around everything and let the words of ppl who care about her sink in, she Finally went to the hospital. IDK what else has cropped up, and obviously she isn't posting here right now. Based on what you said, this new turn of events stacked on top of her previous diagnosis has thrown her for a loop. As you well know, independent ppl need time to absorb the magnitude of their situation bc asking for help, or feeling dependent on anyone other than him or herself, isn't in their wheelhouse. They didn't become fiercely independent bc they were weak, which is how she is feeling now. She's despondent for several reasons. 1. She works long hours at a demanding job, which is tiring mentally and physically. 2. She's scared/worried/fears having to depend on someone else. Not bc she wants to be she-woman, but bc she's self-sufficient and the thought of that being stripped away is a hard pill to swallow. 3. She doesn't want to feel like a burden, and while you are more than willing to offer moral support, etc., that doesn't change her independent nature. Phoe has a good head on her shoulders. She'll come to terms with her situation and re-engage once she mentally decompresses. You know her much better than any of us, so you know whether or not she'd silently appreciate you by her side - not treating her as a weakling mind you, but being there with and for her. I'd love to hear from her. Please keep us updated. 3
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 It's very heartwarning to read this - to read that there are still men like this who exist. I don't know, I think it kind of depends on what it is that you want to do for her exactly. I know when I'm sick, I just want to be alone, but I do like to know that there is someone there for me when I get better. Having that security and support means the world, but I need all of my physical and emotional energy to get well. It doesn't mean that I don't love and care for the special people in my life, but I just know that while I'm sick, I am a bit self-absorbed, and that doesn't make me feel good, and I don't need anything else to make me not feel good when I'm ill. So, I think that maybe it's best to just respect her wishes, but definitely stay in touch with her and communicate with her. You can also ask her if you can still visit from time to time, but take things at her pace. Of course, if this is not fulfilling enough for you, I'm sure she would understand if you want to move on and find someone else.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Well, I just want to be there with her to cheer her up, and make her feel like she doesn't have to be alone in this. Methodical brings up a very good point I hadn't thought of, that she feels very weak and vulnerable right now because of everything happening. And a part of me feels like risking things and just driving out there to let her know she's not alone and to hold her close. But obviously that has many risk, and could be the end of things or something that would make her feel better. She is so selfless too, she has had two opportunities come up to get out of her current work for better pay and less hours, with benefits, but will not take them. Because if she leaves , her partner will be demoted from a position he just got, and wants to be sure he has it permanently, despite him tell her to leave and find a better job.
jen1447 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I think the best you can do is give her the space she needs while reassuring her that you're there for her if/when she needs you. One other thing - even if she's not exactly 'feeling you,' contact her regularly. (Alternate texts/calls/e-mails.) Not to beg her to do x/y/z but just to check up on her. She'll appreciate that. You're in a tough spot here bc you're needy in that you've been rejected a bit, which is a hard pill to swallow. But she doesn't have the resources to take care of your needs right now. That means you have to man up and put them on the backburner for her sake. It sucks and it's much easier said than done, but I can tell you that showing her neediness right now is the absolute worst thing you can do. Hang in there. 4
gaius Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I don't know, I'm a Phoe fan but it seems like despite the fact she's having some serious health issues (I don't think you need to take blood thinners with a shot, so is it diabetes or something? ) it seems like she's making deliberate choices that aren't good for your relationship. Like the whole thing about not accepting the better job offer. On one hand it might benefit her co-worker and seem unselfish, but it's also putting more strain on her and making it harder for you two to be together. She's basically taking from you to give to them in a way. =/ Which is kind of selfish on some level. I don't know if it's because she's just one of those people who's uncomfortable with success or maybe she's just too used to aholes and can't handle a good guy and healthy relationship. But I don't see you having done anything wrong or her having a valid excuse to hold you at arms length like that. I wouldn't respond to that kind of behavior by trying to give her more hugs and kisses though.
Rejected Rosebud Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 She is in serious health crisis and won't ease up on her work load?? Why?? :confused: How can she even do it?? Anyway I am sorry for you, it sounds like you are in a tough situation and I think it might be a little passive aggressive of her, no offense to the girl (sorry for her too), to let you know of all her suffering and then refuse your offers to help ease her load. I don't think that is fair. :( If you are in a relationship, even friends.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Heh thanks Jen, it's funny you said because it is exactly what I said to her last night via text. That I'm not giving up on us because I know we can be good together, but I won't be forcing myself on her by coming over when she doesn't want me to, that I would wait and still stay in contact with her to make sure she is alright. This was in response to a text from her saying she couldn't be fixed ( I had sent her a video of the coldplay song "fix you" performed on sytycd) with her saying she couldn't be fixed and just wanted to be alone. It's odd, because deep down I feel like she wishes she could get out of the state she is in, and still contacts me back when I contact her, and that worries me the most. Not the fact that we don't see each other or are together, but that she may get stuck in this state of mind. Which is kind of silly in way, because I know she has been through a lot of bad things and has pulled out of it over time. Gauis as far as the job thing goes, this was even before the health conditions and such. She is just that kind of person, not wanting to do thing to better herself if it means in someone else potentially being left worst off. She's been at that job for a long time and considers many of the people there like family. So yea, I talked to a close friend last night about the whole thing and she thinks I should just go see her, which I could tomorrow, just make the long drive and see her. Her thought is that she is very scared and doesn't want to burden anyone, and that I need to just show up to make her know she doesn't have to be alone. But what Jenn said is my thought process also, me going there would potentially push her away even more. 1
jen1447 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Keep in mind too that depression can lead to disillusion - in you. Meaning that when someone has the wind taken out of their sails, feelings of romantic excitement can really get damped down or even destroyed. That means in your unwanted visit scenario, it's less likely her heart would secretly leap in her chest at seeing you out of joy that the true love of her life was really giving his all despite her being crappy and more likely that she really doesn't want to see you, at all, and you walking in would be a genuine groan moment. Sucks but it's true.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Keep in mind too that depression can lead to disillusion - in you. Meaning that when someone has the wind taken out of their sails, feelings of romantic excitement can really get damped down or even destroyed. That means in your unwanted visit scenario, it's less likely her heart would secretly leap in her chest at seeing you out of joy that the true love of her life was really giving his all despite her being crappy and more likely that she really doesn't want to see you, at all, and you walking in would be a genuine groan moment. Sucks but it's true. Right, I get that and recognize that the thought of her being both pissed and happy to see me could very well be an illusion, that she definitely may very well want to just be alone. What really struck me with what my friend said was either stay or go, I do risk losing her, and which risk was I willing to take. Stay idle waiting or actually go. That even when a girl is not wanted to be scene in a certain state, they would deep down appreciate it, action over words, that sort of thing. It's silly, phoe would always tell me she is just some average girl and she would at times feel nervous or intimated by me, because she has never been with someone like me. She said she liked the fact that I pushed be boundaries some, how in the past relationships she would put up a fight and her ex's would just cave, wanting for them to keep pushing back and she would happily give in. Because she is full on Taurus, with sass, but she most certainly does enjoy the push against her wall. So that part is stuck in my head, even though I know that this situation is much different from before. Oh, and I'm sure most anyone here would agree that she is not just some average girl, she is way beyond that.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Oh HELL no. She's Phoe. The Phoe. I know right!?!?! Tell her that all the time and she just tells me to stop being ridiculous
jen1447 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I know right!?!?! Tell her that all the time and she just tells me to stop being ridiculous Most women like to be worshipped on some level so I bet she at least secretly grinned on the inside. (Worship's only appreciated from ppl with self respect tho, so never straight up grovel unless it's a sex game or sth like that.)
kendahke Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 How does she feel about you leaving her be and seeing someone new? Is that what she is telling you to go do? To go be with someone else while she tends to her own mending? At the end of the day, you're going to have to respect and honor her wishes to be left alone... and she will have to accept the consequences of that should someone equally as wonderful as she lands in your life and turns your head.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Most women like to be worshipped on some level so I bet she at least secretly grinned on the inside. (Worship's only appreciated from ppl with self respect tho, so never straight up grovel unless it's a sex game or sth like that.) Yes I've definitely caught her smile and blush when I would tell her how ridiculously hot she would look when she was wearing a tank top and shorts while at the same time telling me to stop be ridiculous lol.
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 How does she feel about you leaving her be and seeing someone new? Is that what she is telling you to go do? To go be with someone else while she tends to her own mending? At the end of the day, you're going to have to respect and honor her wishes to be left alone... and she will have to accept the consequences of that should someone equally as wonderful as she lands in your life and turns your head. Idk, when I first started talking with her, she could never fully understand why I was even pursuing her, this goes back to the whole average girl thing. She would tell me things like I could easily find another woman much closer to where I live who would be just as good as her, but I just shot those statements down saying I definitely saw something special in her and I was right about it. So I guess in that sense me moving on would not really change anything on her end, a part of that though I feel is always feeling like the "in between" girl, being dated by guys who are just single till the next best thing comes along and leaves her. But she is not that girl to me, she is someone I could see being with for a very long time, and being and just thinking of her kills any kind of thoughts or interest of being with someone else. So I'm sure she is aware that I could just easily move on, but I don't want to, I didn't give in easily when interacting with her on here and gaining her trust, and I don't plan to give up on this either, unless she literally just wants absolutely nothing to do with me (aka crazy ex stalking type thing), so yea, just a really hard and crappy situation, especially when I finally made it possible to where we could be together much more, as the separation was a real strain on her, both of us in fact, and now that aspect of the relationship can be taken care of, just wish I had been able to do so sooner :/
Author contact1 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Ahh what a crap day at work I'm having, falling in love can really suck sometimes lol. Just venting a bit right now with my mind racing.
Cali408 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 right girl, wrong time. leave her be for now. don't abandon her, but it seems like you're too willing to help. some people are afraid and don't feel they deserve success. Phoe unfortunately might be one of those people. i know you mean well, you sound like a great caring person. But you don't sound strong if you're looking for support on here. You sound wimpy. Be a rock. Check in every 2 weeks. If she calls, answer, but you really need to back off. If it doesn't work, well it doesn't work. I wish both of you nothing but the best. 2
katiegrl Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 JMO (and I know you're hurting) but if I were in Phoe's shoes, I would not be too thrilled that you are on this board discussing her health situation and your situation with her.... for the world to read and comment about. From what I know of Phoe she is a VERY private person, so FWIW, if you feel you need to discuss this, perhaps it would be better to PM those close to her and seek their advice privately. I don't imagine discussing it here is helping your cause as she will no doubt read this, and as I said, may not be too thrilled that you're discussing here. I am a very private person as well, and I sure wouldn't be. But since you did post on here, my advice, as a very independent woman myself who doesn't like to burden people with my issues, is leave her alone. She has made it clear she wants to be left alone and does not wish to see you at this point in time, and so that is precisely what you should do. Anything other than that is Disrespecting her boundaries, and frankly indicates a bit of a controlling nature. I DO hope Phoe feels better and gets well soon... we are all praying for her... she is a lovely woman. Get well soon Phoe!! ((hugs)) 2
Dutchman1 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Hello contact1, Perhaps you could sent her a big bucket of flowers and a get well, miss you card. But if you knew there was a life threatening thing, I would be already in my car. Stay strong, and love the woman. Dutchman 1
MrBojangles Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 But you don't sound strong if you're looking for support on here. You sound wimpy. Be a rock. Check in every 2 weeks. If she calls, answer, but you really need to back off. Sorry man, but having lived this type of experience recently, I agree with this advice above. ^^^^ I would add that if you continue your efforts as you have been, you will turn her right off. We know that your intentions are genuine, but it's only how she see's them that matter right now. Coming here and discussing this publicly smacks at a bit of desperation on your part. I do not mean that as an insult. Just give her some space for now, but you don't have to abandon her completely, and for God's sake you may want to reconsider discussing yall's relationship publicly here. You run the risk of pissing her off if you continue. Best wishes to you both. 2
Recommended Posts