thejabberwocky Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Long story short, my boyfriend of 6 years developed a drug problem and I caught him lying YET AGAIN about using and ended it. The day I ended it, I blocked his number and social media. I'm on 29 of No Contact and I'm still in a lot of pain. This was a very personal betrayal in my eyes, as my mom is an addict, and he knew what pain she's caused me. My entire childhood was a disaster because of her addiction. And he still thought it'd be a great idea to use drugs and drag me into that? I don't blame him for getting addicted, I feel betrayed that he started using in the first place. Anyway, I'm having trouble moving on. I'm going for 60 days of NC, hoping I'll have no desire to speak to him after that. But after 6 years together, I keep fantasizing about him being there. I get into bed at night and imagine laying on his chest and feeling safe. I have no desire to get back together, but it's almost like my brain has erased what has happened recently and I'm imagining him before I knew about his addiction. That is who I miss. I feel very alone and very worthless, as in my eyes, he chose drugs over me. He knew I would leave him if he used drugs and he did it anyway. Will he ever realize what he did? How long will it take before the guilt sets in and he understands what he's lost? Is he happier with the drugs than with me? These are the questions plaguing me. How do I move on? I don't think this relationship is fixable but for some reason I can't let go.
Craftydre Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Unfortunately addicts don't change with pure pressure. The more you tell them to stop the more th ey lie and do it behind your back. You can only help them by not making them feel it's a huge issue so they are upfront and honest, as soon as they lie and hide it is impossible to help them. And yes most addicts will choose drugs if it came down to it at the end unless they are willing to change. I lost an ex gf to drugs because I wasn't good enough too
learning to breathe Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 hi thejabberwocky, im sorry that you are going through what you are going through. but that is the truth, the truth is drug addicts believe what they are doing is right therefore they find any means to justify their addiction, and unfortunately lying tops that list. my brother did meth for about 2 years and lied about everything from where he was to where he has been to getting mad at the smallest things. it was scary and i am just happy that you are no longer in that situation and it is for the best, believe me, my brother thought his wife was turning into a monster and he sat on their washing machine all night until about 2 am in the morning and when she got up to ask what was happening he elbowed her in the nose and cracked her nose open. i dont know what drug your ex was doing but please please stay away. they dont know what they are doing. to me i think the reason why you miss him so much is because obviously you care and love him but more that you care for him you want him to change and since he doesnt have that desire like you, it hurts more. and trust me i completely understand. things will get better with time love. dont give up even if someone else is, you know? if their is no will power in them now, their wont be any in the future until they really give up the drug and seek help. my brother did and he is wayyyy better than he was before. good luck to you and i pray he does get better. xoxo. learning to breathe. keep us posted.
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 Thank you both. I found a letter he wrote me last year (when I first discovered the drug problem) and in it he said he was getting sober and that he's so sorry about what he put me through. And then it says "I hope you don't give up on me, but I would understand if you do." I just don't understand how he could say that to me, but then when he get back together (after he'd be sober for 3 months - or so I thought) continue to use drugs and lie to me about it? Why couldn't he have just left me alone? And I feel horrible guilt for abandoning him, but he clearly doesn't want help.
Draper Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I mean, it sucks that he didn't just leave you alone. But he obviously has a great deal of feelings for you and, unfortunately, drugs are a vice for him. He didn't want to lose you but at the same time couldn't overpower his addiction. I'm sure he didn't lie to you with the express purpose of hurting you, he was probably just ashamed of telling you relapsed (or never quit in the first place) and scared on the consequences. I'm in no way trying to condone him lying to you and hiding things, I'm just saying what I think is probably going through his mind. He wants to be with you but if he's hiding the addiction rather than seeking help, it doesn't seem like he's committing to shaking the addiction for the sake of your relationship. I agree with the above posts when they say you can't help someone when they're deceitful about it. Don't feel guilty though. You didn't abandon him, sometimes you have to do what's best for you and that's what you did. Addiction is a serious thing and not everyone is equipped to deal with someone who suffers from it. Given your background with your family, your probably not one of those people. Hope this helps in some way, it must be a horrible thing to go through watching people you care about destroy themselves.
Spreeley713 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 OMG I'm going through the same thing except I just found out about the drug problem and he straight up told me he wasn't going to quit. I haven't been able to go complete NC yet though cuz I've been weak.
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 OMG I'm going through the same thing except I just found out about the drug problem and he straight up told me he wasn't going to quit. I haven't been able to go complete NC yet though cuz I've been weak. I'm so sorry for you, it hurts like hell. At least he made the decision easy for you - telling you he has no desire to quit is way better than what my ex did, which is lie about quitting and continue to use anyway. You do not want to be with a drug user, period. There is no hope of fixing this relationship. The sooner you move on, the better off you will be. You are stronger than you think. Block him and go NC. There is nothing he can say that will fix this anyway, so why bother talking to him? We're here for you!
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