ASG Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 So, a few weeks ago, I was set up by my former housemate with a co-worker of his. We set a date and on the day of, he tried to postpone. I wasn't particularly fussed, so I said "sure. But I won't be available for about 2 weeks". I wasn't even joking. He works a 9-5, I work evenings and weekends, and had plans for the potential free nights he might have had for the next couple of weeks. So he backtracks and insists on meeting, stating, however, that he'll have to leave early. We meet, have a great time, and it transpires that the reason he has to leave is because he's meeting his ex, who he dated for 7 years and broke up with 2 months before, and with whom he still lives, as they own a flat together, and she was having a bad day and asked him to have dinner with her. Red flags all around, but things had gone so well, I agree to a 2nd date the next day. That went well, we kissed at the end and I went home. Didn't hear from him for days. He sends me a msg, late in the evening, one night, asking if I've finished work. I was out with friends, so didn't see it til acouple of hours later and replied, saying just that. He doesn't say anything for a week. When he does it's to ask if he's offended me, since he hasn't heard from me. I say no, and that it is a 2 way street (plus, he was the one who didn't reply to my msg). He then asks me how long to go until my trip. I say less than a week, and that I'm really excited. That was 2 weeks ago. Yesterday he asks me how my trip went. I honestly had forgotten he even existed. I reply, saying it was great. He then says, and I quote "I thought you'd get back to me when you returned and update me on how it all went". I mean...WTF!?!?!?! What in his communication said that?? I replied, saying something like I'm not sure how you'd think that, considering you've not been in touch at all. I thought that would be that.. He then, a day later, replies saying he doesn't know what I am to him, whether just a friend or more, that he finds me hot, but is not sure whether he'll look desperate for pursuing or desperate for not. I'd lost patience by then and told him his chance was gone and we were done. Now... is it me being picky/fussy/whatever?? Or was he just a dick? (or just not ready to date!)
jam.over.jelly Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 You have done exactly everything I would have done if I were you. Kudos to you, this guy is not worth your time. 2
Fleur de cactus Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I don't think he was serious with you. He only came along because your mutual friend set you up. He is hoping to have something on the side while working on things with his ex. He does not want to be too engaged into the relationship. He hope to keep you there and be available when he wants. Just to tell you that you are hot, even if you really are, he should save it for later when the relationship is a possibility. He is hoping to get laid. Sorry you have to go through this. 1
CarrieT Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 We meet, have a great time, and it transpires that the reason he has to leave is because he's meeting his ex, who he dated for 7 years and broke up with 2 months before, and with whom he still lives, as they own a flat together, and she was having a bad day and asked him to have dinner with her. He still lives with her and is at her beck-and-call when she has a bad day? Move on.... 5
katiegrl Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 >>Am I too fussy or was this guy just a douche? I vote for douche. 3
jen1447 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I dunno ....it sounds to me like he's maybe just on the unassertive side. Guys like that seem to often 'want' things to be that really aren't, based on events or talk that aren't as significant as they think they are. (It's not just guys, women do it too.) I don't think you were fussy (altho there's always 2 sides to every story).
StellaGrace Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Gosh it's nice to see someone with a good head on their shoulders reading the signs rather than ignoring red flags because "we had an amazing connection" or "the kiss was incredible". Douche or not, good for you.
JewelD Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Douche for sure. You don't mention that you're going to see your ex who's having a 'bad day' while you're on a date. And he probably texted you so far in between because he's still dealing with her and you only come to mind when things aren't going well on the other end. 1
Buddhist Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) My take is this....if its hard at this stage, that ain't getting any easier. He seems to have expectations of you, even though you've only met up twice, it's a bit much that early on. At the very least his sense of timing and appropriateness doesn't mesh with you so take that for what it's worth. I wouldn't have accepted a second date with this guy in any case. The fact an ex is still on speed dial and able to get him to go running is enough for me to say, no thanks. I don't think she's an ex. Edited September 17, 2015 by Buddhist
Popsicle Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 yeah, he's a douche, mostly because he still has a girlfriend whom he lives with (ex my arse). 2
Jj66 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 It doesn't matter whether he's a douche or not and there really isn't enough information to tell for sure. I think there was actually a breakup because the two of you were set up. Presumably the setters up knew his situation. However, I think he needs to resolve the situation with his ex and the flat before he dates anyone. Two months is not long enough recovery time after a 7 year live in relationship even when you are not living under the same roof. Besides him not being in a good place for a relationship right now because of his ex issues, it sounds like your schedules don't mesh and your communication/dating styles are completely different. Three reasons to say next. 2
Toodaloo Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I am going to vote for complete and utter ******* ****... Politely put douche. Next honey you are worth far more! 2
Author ASG Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks everyone! When he first mentioned the ex and the living arrangements, I let it slide. It wasn't ideal, but I prefer to not jump to conclusions straight away. My friends we already telling me to run, not walk. And the second date went well, though I was in a "take it or leave it" frame of mind. But his lack of communication bothered me. And I could have made the moves myself, but I'd been the last one to text, and not even in a "bye speak soon" way... but kinda mid convo! I'm chalking it up to ineptitude on his part. He's basically spent all his adult life with his ex and has lost touch with reality and the dating world. Which is fair enough, but I won't be his guinea pig. I'd rather deal with my FWB's **** 1
Els Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 IMO, a person who still lives with their ex has no business dating. Cut your losses and run! 2
cif Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 He is a douche and you will be a side piece if you continue to engage.
Jj66 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 IMO, a person who still lives with their ex has no business dating. Cut your losses and run! The operative word is "still" Usually they haven't even really broken up. Even if they have, they haven't moved on and are not in a good place for dating. However, I did date a woman who lives with an ex and another woman. Kind of a threes company arrangement. But it's not her most recent ex. They were friends and she didn't have a lot of other options due to her building getting bought and all the renters being given very short notice that their leases would not be renewed. I know it was on the up and up because I got to meet this ex and slept with her in her room. It was just a temporary arrangement while she looked for a place of her own.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 The only mistake you made was giving this jackass a 2nd date. Once I heard he was still living with his ex and they were only 2 months out from their breakup PLUS having dinner later that night, I would have left at that point. WASTE OF TIME.
Author ASG Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 He is a douche and you will be a side piece if you continue to engage. Not engaging anymore at all! Done with him. The operative word is "still" Usually they haven't even really broken up. Even if they have, they haven't moved on and are not in a good place for dating. However, I did date a woman who lives with an ex and another woman. Kind of a threes company arrangement. But it's not her most recent ex. They were friends and she didn't have a lot of other options due to her building getting bought and all the renters being given very short notice that their leases would not be renewed. I know it was on the up and up because I got to meet this ex and slept with her in her room. It was just a temporary arrangement while she looked for a place of her own. I do believe that HAVE broken up. But because they OWN the flat together, hadn't gotten round to the logistics of it. It's a moot point now, anyway. I will not be pursuing anything with this guy, because his lack of communication, coupled with unrealistic expectations and confusion are more of a deal breaker than him living with his ex ever was.
Toodaloo Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 It's a moot point now, anyway. I will not be pursuing anything with this guy, because his lack of communication, coupled with unrealistic expectations and confusion are more of a deal breaker than him living with his ex ever was. And he probably picks his nose while on the toilet... You don't want one of those ASG... 1
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