toolforgrowth Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I need to break up with my GF. She's a sweet lady with a big heart, and I truly don't wish her any ill will. That's what makes this one so different. My last three relationships were tumultuous, with hot-headed women who were prone to emotional instability. They would say or do something that would go too far, and that was the end. No equivocation about it. But this one is different. She's not a bad person. She just isn't going anywhere in life. She doesn't act out of ambition to fix her life, she just reacts from one crisis to the next. Because of that she's been very distant, which makes it hard to stay connected to her, especially when I don't see her doing much to fix her life. She has no job, no money, no car, and is financially over the cliff. I have barely given her any money because I refuse to allow anyone (except my daughter) to be dependent upon me. That's my boundary. But she is very sweet and kind, and was there for me when I broke my leg. That's what makes this so hard. She's a good person with a big heart. She's just not going anywhere in life, and lately the only time I hear from her is when she has her latest crisis. I can't deal with that because I'm not getting anything out of this relationship anymore. And I haven't for a while. I have no idea when we'll be able to spend any quality time together. I have no idea when she'll have her $h!t together. I have no idea when she'll finally get on her own two feet. I want a partner, not an obligation. And I'm tired of our only interaction being when something else in her life goes wrong. I need to break up with her. But there's no underlying "You did X, which crossed the line." This was like a slow fade. And it's different for me. I want to be honest with her, but not cruel. I need to handle this like a mature adult. I don't want to hurt her, and I would like to still be friends with her (if she's okay with it). Not to keep her as a backup plan, but just because I believe she is a good person. I don't hate her, never have. This relationship just isn't what I want anymore. And I haven't had this particular type if experience in...20 years? Sigh. This is a new one.
JewelD Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 Well, I wouldn't tell her that you don't want to be with her because her life isn't going anywhere, that would definitely be cruel. Just say that your feelings for her have changed over time and you see her as more of a friend. She'll probably ask why, but even if you told her the full detailed truth, she would still ask why. But I don't think you need to go into much detail rather than letting her know you just don't feel the same way about her anymore. That's about as kind as a breakup can be. I also wouldn't throw friendship out there immediately, because she might latch onto it in the hopes of winning you back or remaining close to you. You definitely need some time apart right after you end it so all those feelings can cool down.
Author toolforgrowth Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 It actually went really well. She was on the same page as I was. She understands that she has other priorities, and that a relationship can't be one of them. No anger, no hatred, no bitterness, and no hard feelings. We both agreed to remain friends, but we'll also give that some time. We care for each other, we just can't be in a relationship. I'm grateful for the chance to have been with her. I can't say that about any of my other exes, but I can with her. We made some good memories.
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