I found out some secrets about him

[wakamiya]

I just wanted to say thanks for all the help you guys have given me when I posted.

 

Later this evening I found out some horrible secrets about my boyfriend. (whom will be ex as soon as I talk to him tonight) me and him bond on instant messaging a lot, right... well he showed me this website with cool games on it.

 

I thought the website was pretty cool, and I even signed up for the forums... I ran by a message he posted by accident.. It was called 'Age when you lost your virginity?' and he wrote about his exgirlfriend in it... not only that, but he told me he was a virgin. He LIED this whole time about it, and was trying to get back into a relationship with me, and I've known his guy for a whole year now.

 

It's not the fact that he's not a virgin (well that does bother me some, I'm waiting till marriage) but he was deceitful about it an entire year. I WASTED A WHOLE YEAR ON THIS GUY. I found this other post called "If the world was ending and we were the last humans on earth, would you have awkward sex with me?" He replied saying 'if you were a woman - yeah, but it would be awkward getting into sexual positions with the earth rumbling and crashing' Lastly, there was a post about working out and he made a reply saying "I'd be eating pizza and hitting on all the waitresses so i wouldn't have time for working out' gross... disgusting.... I feel really dirty that I've been with him this long. He's never shown this side of himself.. dealing with porn was enough, but now I found out he's just trash. Real trash. I was just starting to trust him too. And I don't feel so safe anymore.. now that I have no one to think about.. I don't know what to do.

 

And I have to talk to him tonight... I feel like someone just dropped a brick on me

[Mary3]

Have you met him in real life or is this an internet only boyfriend ?

[wakamiya]

In real life.. but we talk on the internet a lot

[Mary3]

Then I would say you have not spent enough quality time with him to really get to know him....* Now * you are getting to know him but are not liking what you are seeing . He needs to get off the computer and spend more time with you. That works both ways. You need to spend more time with him as well. Only then can you see all the skeletons in his closet and decide if its worth keeping those old bones around....

[RecordProducer]

My mind is not competent enough to discuss this issue as I am totally against this saving your virginity for marriage. This is one of the reasons why it's so ridiculous.

I don't see who we are hurting if we sleep before marriage and what we're gaining if we do. I got married when I was 23. my ex was a widow. We split 3 years later. He was an ass. I can't imagine if I saved myself for him.

But of course you think you will find Mr. Perfect so you're sacrificing for him. You'll be sorry one day, you'll see.

I don't see what your BF has done wrong. He's young and needs sex. Talking about sex is normal. He lied to you because obviously he disagrees with those religious restraints deep down in his heart.

[wakamiya]

I understand where you're coming from.. but I can't help how I was raised. You know, I hate that I believe in it... and I've considered waiting until "somewhere close" to marriage. I just get that gut feeling that makes it seem gross to me, to be sleeping around.

[soccorsilly]

Don't believe everything you read on the internet!

[st8toftheheart]

Everybody has skeleton's in their closet and / or have different personas when they are different people.

 

So you're holding him accountable for things that is or acts when he's not with you. That's fine its your choice, but do not judge lest ye be judged.

 

Just because you're a virgin does make you perfect.

 

Now, if he demostrates these attitudes towards you, with you, around you, then that's different.

 

Oh, and here's an idea, talk to him about it.

[wakamiya]

what happened was.. he denied (or didn't really) make these posts. he said all his friends borrow his account.. his friends do borrow all his internet accounts? why I don't know.. it's a tough call. he's lied in the past, too.. basically he said he felt incompetent, because all his friends sleep around, and he felt the need to make up something about himself.. eventually he admitted he "hasn't"

 

that doesn't mean he didn't do it.. right. the post said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I don't think ANYONE i know would admit to something like that. I'll try to talk to him more about it later today. what a pain

[FolderWife]

HA! HA HA HA HA!!!!

 

Ok, I dated a guy named Joe (if this guy is named Joe, RUN!!!!) for two years. I was a virgin. He said he was. Well....at the end of those two years, I found out what a creepy liar he was.

 

I wanted to be a virgin when I got married...but I lost my virginity when I was 19. The guy did me and dumped me the next day.

 

And yeah, Mr. Joe said that his best friend took over one of his email accounts...the one with the emails from 30 different girls in it, and naked girls, and girls wanting him to come over. Yeah...that was his "friend's" account. Even though it had HIS name on it...his friend wasn't competent enough to open his own email account

 

Yeah...he tried to sell me that ocean that's in the desert too.

 

Your boyfriend is a liar just like ol Joe was. He may be a virgin, and be lying to all of those online people. Or he may not be a virgin, and lying to you.

 

I'll never forget; the first guy that I slept with had a friend who knew Joe. He had his friend ask Joe if Joe and I had slept together.

 

JOE SAID WE HAD!!! Um....no, we definately did not. We hardly even got to kiss! My parents watched us to closely

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by wakamiya

what happened was.. he denied (or didn't really) make these posts. he said all his friends borrow his account.. his friends do borrow all his internet accounts? why I don't know.. it's a tough call. he's lied in the past, too.. basically he said he felt incompetent, because all his friends sleep around, and he felt the need to make up something about himself.. eventually he admitted he "hasn't"

 

that doesn't mean he didn't do it.. right. the post said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I don't think ANYONE i know would admit to something like that. I'll try to talk to him more about it later today. what a pain

 

Well I can't fault you for that then, since something similar happened to me. I can tell you that, that relationship was never the same.

 

I'm curious, why do you find it so hard to believe that he didn't sleep around and only lied because he felt awkwards because of his friends having done so? If the roles were reversed would you have believed then?

 

What are you prepared to do? Mine did not end well.

[wakamiya]

Originally posted by st8toftheheart I'm curious, why do you find it so hard to believe that he didn't sleep around and only lied because he felt awkwards because of his friends having done so? If the roles were reversed would you have believed then?

 

What are you prepared to do? Mine did not end well.

 

I found it hard to believe because there was a ton of past misunderstandings (there was a lot), and they got harder to accept. last night he told me to call, and I asked him "Is it true?" he said it's not, and I was sobbing a little on the phone before I hung up.

 

Today I want to ask him if he lied because he thinks I'm going to leave if I know the truth.. or think of him differently.. or it could be that he really did lie about the whole thing and is indeed a virgin.. either way, it seems like a 50/50 decision. I'm feeling a little better about the idea of it, just not so much when you think where he's been.

 

I'm sorry yours did not end well.. but I'm a bit curious how it ended. and thank you so much for the replies, I'm going to talk to him later tonight about this.

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by wakamiya

I'm sorry yours did not end well.. but I'm a bit curious how it ended. and thank you so much for the replies, I'm going to talk to him later tonight about this.

 

Well it was essentially a mirror image of your experience, and I was you.

 

The reason it ended badly was, I am probably alot more insecure and self unassure than you sound to be.

 

Because of that, when I learned certain things that had happened and read certain things that were written she, threatened with the thought of losing me, said that it was all a lie. For the most part the exact same reasons your BF used on you.

 

But like you, the pieces of the puzzle didn't fit, too many misunderstandings or misinterpretations. So I refused to believe it was a lie, so in essence, and new lie. So along with my feelings on the orginal issue, I now had to deal with the fact that I felt I could not trust her, which just amplified the orginal problem. And round and round the circle of mis-trust continued and I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Lieing and deceipt, along with lack or trust are no foundation for a relationship, so I ended it. The ending wasn't pretty.

 

This situation was so traumatizing, that I am weary entering a new relationship. Cause I have been burned a third time.

 

So now I do not accept a formal relationship, and won't allow myself to grow close for fear of falling into the same boat again. At this point, anyone I date could have been a pornstar and I wouldn't care. But that also means that any relationship I have hear on in, has very little chance into developing into something.

 

Don't let this happen to you.

 

Best of luck.

[latida]

Plenty of people lie about their sexual past. Maybe he is really ashamed of how it happened. It might be he wishes he was still a virgin for you and wishes he had saved himself.

 

Now you think it is wrong to lose your virginity before marriage. He might agree. But he also might have made mistakes. Do you love/like him beyond this. Are you able to accept and not judge someone for their mistakes? Do you trust that he loves/likes you and can do the same? Then you should work on it. If you can accept him for making these mistakes then let him know that, and drop it. Don't expect him to confess to you his mistakes. IMHO it is important to know someone's sexual history...if you are sleeping together.

 

Saving yourself for marriage is a wonderful and special gift, I hope you don't lose sight of that. I think it is beautiful and shows a great amount of restraint, self-awareness and love of self. Don't let go of your personal beliefs because they don't jive with others, but try not tot judge others for choosing a different path or making mistakes. This is a valuable virtue also!

 

Good Luck

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by la]ti[da

Plenty of people lie about their sexual past. Maybe he is really ashamed of how it happened. It might be he wishes he was still a virgin for you and wishes he had saved himself.

 

Well then I think he needs to say that. I think he needs to come clean and admit it that he was shamed of it and to get an understanding of what he was thinking right then.

 

But he also might have made mistakes. Do you love/like him beyond this. Are you able to accept and not judge someone for their mistakes? Do you trust that he loves/likes you and can do the same? Then you should work on it. If you can accept him for making these mistakes then let him know that, and drop it. Don't expect him to confess to you his mistakes.

 

A mistake is one thing, but a mistake involves regret. If he shows no regret then it really wasn't a mistake, the only mistake would then be her getting access to the account to find out about his sorted past.

 

Also, you'll have to believe he's made the same mistake a few times. That says alot about the person. I know if I get burned once, I'll change what I do not to get burned again or atleast in the same way. Take advantage of me once, shame on you, take advantage on me twice, shame on me.

 

So to repeatedly making the same mistake over and over again, says to me that maybe he didn't think it was a mistake at all. Or that some way some how, he saw the error of his ways, and has turned a new leaf.

 

So the dynamic changes now. Are you willing to accept/believe that you were the catalyst of this change? Do you want to see how his experiment turns out? So there's a whole new dymainc you need to deal with and she has to decide if she wants to be part of that.

 

IMHO it is important to know someone's sexual history...if you are sleeping together.

 

Or before if you intend ave a relationship. This opens a can of worms no matter how you slice it. Then of course there is always beleiving what they are telling you when they do. History shows that this is already problematic.

 

but try not tot judge others for choosing a different path or making mistakes. This is a valuable virtue also!

 

I wouldn't judge a person's life for choosing a different path or making mistakes, its their life. But it does impact whether or not they become a part of mine, and that's my right or in this case hers.