New person Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Hello, I am new to this forum and I am just looking for a little advice and maybe just to tell my story. I see how opinionated and judgemental a lot of people are on here and maybe rightly so. I am not looking to get verbally abused here but I am expecting it.... I met a married man about 1 1/2 years ago when I began working with him. We became friends as I am the only female working in our office (with 4 married men and one single man) We all are very good friends and I have always been treated more like a sister. This particular married man actually set me up with one of his friends whom I dated for about 3 months and then broke things off. I never thought about this married man outside of work and always just considered him a friend. Well he moved jobs and now works in a building about a 1/2 mile away. We still stayed in contact and he would come by and have lunch with all of us. Anyways we got to talking and he started telling me how he had always had such a crush on me and I seemed like the perfect woman for him. We get along really well and have great chemistry. He started e-mailing often and calling and stopping by. He would always talk with everyone at work and never really singled me out like he was only there to see me. One night he called and wanted to meet up for drinks and I was a little skeptical, but I honestly NEVER thought anything would happen, so I met him. We had one drink together and talked and basically just hung out. We are really great friends and get along so well, it never felt uncomfortable. Anyways same old story and we ended up sleeping together and he started calling everyday, early in the morning, stopping by work everyday and e-mailing often. This has been going on for about 3 months. He tells me he loves me and he is in love with me. He calls a lot and tells me he can't stop thinking about me.. I am not stupid enough to think that this is fantasy land and he is going to divorce his wife and coming running to me and we live happily ever after. He is making plans for us to do things up into the end of the year. I just wonder how I got into this relationship and how to get out. I do love him, mostly as a friend, but I know if we were both single than we would be together. But he's not! I guess I probably am posting this to hear other people's experiences and opinions. He is 9 years older than me. I am starting to fall for him. I will not allow myself to completely fall in love with him, I just don't think I could ever spend enough time with him to know him like that.. Part of me feels bad for him and I know ending things would break his heart. The realistic side of me knows that this is ridiculous and morally wrong, I just needed to put this out there. Thanks for your time.
NursieGirl Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 I'm not with a MM, actually I'm a MW who is in love with a guy who has a gf, and it SUX..... Since you are not TOTALLY in love with him yet, you have an advantage....I would try to bail before you get any more of an attachment to him. I'm sure you know this, but the longer you stay in it, the more attached you will get! I really do feel for ya! I hate it when you meet the right person at the wrong time.... me and my OM always say that if we were both single, we would be together... why can't things be easier!?
RecordProducer Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 You need to get out of that relationship right now! Otherwise you'll be very hurt. For years. If he is not happy with his wife and wants to cheat on her, that's his problem, not yours. You've got nothing to gain in that relationship whatsoever. He is not your type. He is the cheating and lying type. You deserve a single man who will be all yours. Be good to yourself and ditch him!
MiChick43 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 You have an advantage over this guy. YOu are single and free, yay. He is stuck in a marriage he obvously does not care much about. Dont let him drag you down. Get out and have some real fun with men that can show you off and treat you like no other! I understand the attraction and the attachment, Ive been there. But there is a world of single good guys. Good luck. Hugs , MiCHick Ps how do you guys get your pics on here?
new person Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Thank you for your input. I know you are all right, sometimes it feels like I may never meet that person that is right for me and single!!! I am going to talk to him and tell him how things are affecting me and that I am ready to move on.. Reading everyone's story makes me very sad. I don't want to be in the same position in one, two or ten years from now! Thanks again
kkat Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 You are in a bad situation that seems OK on the surface, but believe me my friend, it's a bad situation that's about to get a whole lot worse. The fact that you are already feeling badly for him and his feelings is a very bad sign of things to come. In my opinion, you are starting down a long road of enabling him to cheat on his wife while making you feel alternately special and totally rejected. Your story is similar to the initial phases of my relationship with a MM that started 12 years ago. He was deliriously in love with me - in fact, obsessed enough that he left his wife and children to be with me. Like you, I felt sorry for him. I didn't want to hurt him, and while I did fall for him, I definitely moved too fast because I bought into his "poor me" story. It was after we lived together and he was to weak to get a divorce that the cracks in our "foundation" started to show. We lived together for almost 3 years but he never divorced, and ultimately went home to his "awful, no-sex, (you've all heard it all...) marriage", claiming things weren't so bad after all. Then....7 years later, after I had refused to even meet him for a coffee or see him at all for 7 years, he came back into my life with the same obsessive pursuit, the same promises...and now 2 years later, and 2 more years lost to a relationship with him, I'm moving on and working to heal my broken heart....again. And guess what --he's still married, and now again, says his marriage is not so bad, suddenly he loves his wife again, etc. Here's what's happening - in my opinion. You are enabling this man to endure a bad marriage. Because it's suddenly not so bad, via his thoughts and fantasy plans with you! He's not dealing with the bad parts of his marriage - he's avoiding and escaping them - by being with you. You are making his bad marriage bearable, and making it easier for him to stay. We become a band-aid for the "bad" marriage. This is the classic mistake OW make -- we think that if we hang on and treat these guys well, they'll leave a marriage that they originally told us was just unbearable and that they planned to leave. Conversely, what typically happens is that these guys create a relationship with us that ultimately becomes so full of rejection, hurt, disappointment and lies that the OW/MM relationship that once seemed so magical becomes an awful, toxic, disaster. Meanwhile, things at home start looking better for him all the time...now we become nagging and unhappy just like his wife is (at least just like he claims she is...) and he ends up staying in a "bad" marriage (which may or may not have even been bad to begin with) and the OW is left feeling hurt and rejected and angry about the broken promises.
SoleMate Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 kkat, I hope you're planning on becoming the official LS counselor to OW, because you clearly understand it all from the inside....
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