Gone in an instant

[PaperCrane]

Just checking in.

 

Hope all is well.

[Draper]

Good to see you, Paper.

 

All is well. I'm at somewhere close to two weeks NC, I'm doing pretty good now. I've been to the gym a couple of times now, and I'm starting to be more social with old friends that I perhaps neglected while I was in the relationship.

 

I unfortunately just realized that I had ordered something online for her mother a while back (she didn't have a paypal), so I'll have to get that to her whenever it comes. Not a big deal though, I'll just have her mom meet me somewhere or something. I still feel rather sad at times when reminded of certain things, but honestly I think I'm making pretty good progress in coming to grips with the fact that she left. Her choice, out of my control. Life goes on.

 

[PaperCrane]

Oop, don't deliver that item. Take it to the post office and re-address it.

 

Don't run the risk of re-initiating contact. I do not want to read an update where you 'accidentally' ran into her with her mom and you getting tossed back to square 1.

 

Good to hear on the other things. Keep it up.

[Draper]

Yeah, I could do that.. I feel kinda bad about it though because, like I said, her parents were always great to me and her mom in-particular loves me. I could make sure my ex is working when I get her to meet me, but maybe seeing her family even briefly isn't the best idea.

 

What bad luck

[PaperCrane]

Don't. Part of your relationship with her, was your relationship with her parents too. They're older and will understand. It will set you back because you'll see and hear and smell things that will trigger you like nobodies business. Been there, done that, bought the pants.

[Draper]

You're probably right, I'll figure something out.

 

The package is a couple of those candles that you burn and then there is a ring somewhere in it that can be worth something. She wanted a few to give away as gifts. Awkwardly, I ordered one for my ex at the same time - do you think I should just leave it in the box and give it to her mom as well?

 

I mean the only thing I would do with it is put it in the garbage, so might as well let her have it I guess. I should note that she knew I got one for her, so it wouldn't be like I was trying to buy her back or some ****.

[PaperCrane]

NC means NC.

 

Burn it yourself if you want or donate it. She doesn't deserve anything more from you.

 

Leave the rest for her mom and re-ship it.

[Draper]

She doesn't deserve anything more from you.

 

I think that sums it up rather nicely.

[Stealth46]

Thank you for sharing your story, along with all the amazing advice from the others here I finally see that there was nothing "special" about the time i had with my recent ex. That this happens to a lot of people. There's a lot of people here that gave you pretty good advice and reason (even if things don't really run off reason). This is Day 7 NC for me, and i'm finally getting indifferent about what happened. I get angry from time to time, but i'm no longer tempted to text them anymore. She screwed up, not me. I see now more clearly now what i had forgotten about myself while trying to build "our" future (which was probably one of my mistakes) and now enjoy those things again and it helps.

[Draper]

So that package arrived today. I went against your advice - I knew she'd be at work so I said hell with it, and I got her mom to meet me and pick it up. She owed the money for it, which I wasn't really worried about losing, but I figured I'd just give it to her and be done with it, as I know if I had of sent it in the mail she would have been trying to contact me so she could pay me.

 

Anyways, I knew it was risky seeing her, but I don't feel any worse than I did going into it. Actually it feels like a weight was sort of lifted, as that's the last thing tying us together at all.

 

It sounded like her mom may have realized how she treated me, as when I gave her the box she asked if the one that I bought for my ex was still in there. I said yes, and she insisted that she give me the money for it and that she'd give it away to someone as a gift. She said 'She's not getting it, she doesn't deserve anything else from you'. So I guess we're all on the same page.

[Shock148]

Sorry to say man but it's over. When a woman tells you that you deserve someone else that's better it's basically an indication that she does not want to be with you and since you are a good guy who did nothing wrong you deserve a person who can give you what you want. She is in the "I want to be single and free" mode where she will definitely go out with either 1 guy or many guys and have fun. It happened to me. My ex girlfriend said we needed to take a break because she wasn't ready for a long term relationship and less than 2 weeks later she begins dating a guy and now they have been together for 2 years. It sucks and it is horrible but the best thing you can do is just cut her off completely and start the healing process. You would not want to see her updated photos and status where she shows off that shes with other guys having fun. Do yourself a favor and just NC.

[Oregon_Dude]

Sorry to say man but it's over.

I'm pretty sure OP knows it is over.

 

You would do well to actually read the thread you're posting in next time.

 

Draper, Mom knows her daughter has issues. Don't sweat this one, she's young, selfish and flighty.

[Shock148]

Yeah, I could do that.. I feel kinda bad about it though because, like I said, her parents were always great to me and her mom in-particular loves me. I could make sure my ex is working when I get her to meet me, but maybe seeing her family even briefly isn't the best idea.

 

What bad luck

Cut all contacts. Once you go back to her parents house you will be filled with memories of you and her together. You will see pictures of her and whatnot and will go back to being in a sad state.

[Shock148]

I'm pretty sure OP knows it is over.

 

You would do well to actually read the thread you're posting in next time.

 

Draper, Mom knows her daughter has issues. Don't sweat this one, she's young, selfish and flighty.

 

I usually read the OP and thats it. But I suppose with threads with 8 pages I should just read the OP and the last page to see where everyone else is at.

[Shock148]

Cut all contacts. Once you go back to her parents house you will be filled with memories of you and her together. You will see pictures of her and whatnot and will go back to being in a sad state.

At least her mom was sweet to you when you saw her. I think this should be the last time you see any of your ex's family again though.

[Draper]

Appreciate the advice Shock but you should probably read back a bit next time

[Draper]

I know it's over. Deep down there's this part of me that hopes and prays she comes back, but the reality of it is that even if she did come back I could never look at her the same way. There's a point where you hurt someone too much for it to ever truly be forgiven or accepted, and I'm pretty sure she's way over that threshold. I really wish I could stomp out that last little bit of hope but in time I'm sure it will fade.

 

It sucks that she changed like that, and maybe it's my fault at least in some capacity. Maybe I was to needy, codependent, not exciting enough. Regardless, all we can do is weather the storm and walk out on the other side a little bit wiser, and a little bit stronger. She gave up something real, something genuine that she could have had if she wanted it because I never would have left. It will become clearer to both of us that it was her who gave it up, as time goes on.

 

I've come to think that in times of great loss and mourning, strength isn't measured by how little you care or how quickly you move on. It's measured by how you let go despite how much you care. That's just what I, and everyone else going through a loss like this, has to do. Let go, and make sure the next girl that comes along gets an even better man than the last. And with that, I'm off to gym.

 

Hope this helps anyone struggling to get past something.

[bluefeather]

When a woman tells you that you deserve someone else that's better it's basically an indication that she does not want to be with you...

 

That is not true. My most recent ex said the same thing and she wants me back. Sometimes "You deserve better" really means it. It is just the truth in their head. They don't think they deserve you so they push you away.

 

I'm not saying that is or isn't the case here.

[Draper]

That is not true. My most recent ex said the same thing and she wants me back. Sometimes "You deserve better" really means it. It is just the truth in their head. They don't think they deserve you so they push you away.

 

I'm not saying that is or isn't the case here.

 

It could go either way here. She does certainly have some self-esteem issues and insecurities compounded by her depression, so it's possible she doesn't think she 'deserves' me.

 

Of course only time will tell if that's the case or not, and I'm not going to waste my time wondering if it is or isn't.

[Draper]

Hey all, thought I'd give a quick update.

 

Tomorrow will mark one month since I created this thread, which means it's also one month since I last spoke to my ex. It's odd, sometimes it feels like it was way longer than that, and other times it feels like it was just yesterday.

 

Anyways, I think I've made a lot of progress in the past month. I obviously still think about it, her, everything, and it still hurts. On the plus side, I have pretty much zero desire to speak to her. I'm sticking with exercising at the gym, which has helped a lot. I've been trying to take other steps to improve myself as well, like going out and meeting new people.

 

I went home with a girl from the bar a couple weeks ago, and waking up beside someone else was a really refreshing feeling. I'm going to try to go out with her again this weekend. I'm not naive enough to think I'm ready for another relationship at this point (nor do I want one), so I was up front about it with her. Interestingly, she's still grieving over an ex she lost over the summer as well. She was also cheated on, so I guess it's a bit comforting to be around someone who knows what it's like.

 

All in all, the days are going by faster and it is becoming less painful. I still have those dark moments where I feel like my life is falling apart, but I know better now. I know that even though it hurts now, I'll be better and stronger because of it. I owe a big thank you to everyone who posted here - I'm not sure where I would be if I didn't stumble upon this website that night. You've all given me the strength to see that someday I will look back and take pride in how I handled this.

[PaperCrane]

Just another check in to see how you're doing/progressing.

[Draper]

Thanks for checking in Crane,

 

Things are just more of the same for now. I haven't had any contact with her, nor have I had any urge to speak to her. Still going to the gym a few times a week, trying to focus on school, and also trying to get out with friends on weekends and stuff.

 

Overall I guess it still hurts and I do still find myself asking those pointless questions sometimes despite knowing I'll never know the honest answer to them, but I think I'm progress. In the end, I know I'll be just fine. Getting there has been tough and will continue to be, but I do know that I'll be a stronger person when I come out on the other side. I take a little bit of comfort in the fact that the next girl will have a better man because of all this.

 

Now it's time to quit the tobacco again

[Royals550]

I just read all 9 pages Mr.Draper, you're doing fantastic man with the NC... The only way to go. Been in your shoes man, my advice at where you're at in the NC phase is, when those thoughts of her pop up and maybe even the thought of her coming back, trust me.., you wouldn't even take her if given the chance, I know this! I can see it in your lovely progress, a part of the love you felt for her was 'respect'. Once you lose that for someone it's toast. Good on ya man.

[Draper]

Thanks Royals, it's always good to hear from people that have been where I'm at.

 

I agree with you completely, I mean even if she did try come back, I would never be able to look at her in the same light as before. When you break trust to that degree, it never rebuilds. And like you said about respect, I have essentially none left for her so I know it would never work. Sometimes I wonder if there were things I could of done different or if I had acted differently maybe things would be different, but at the end of the day it just isn't worth the energy spent thinking about that ****.

 

What's done is done, she made her own choices and she'll have to live with the consequences of them.

[Royals550]

The 'what if's'... Such a normal response at this stage. That's the hardest thing to shake at times but it's such a useless exercise. Do what I did... Think the complete opposite, what if you did those things again to perfection, and her feelings didn't change and you got married and had a few kiddos.. Then she got the GIGS and dipped w/ your children. Happens daily in this world, now that has to be some serious pain. We both got off free man.