When your date is very physically unattractive>>

[losangelena]

I was wondering if women are different when it comes to attraction. With men, physical is pretty much a big deal usually as men are typically visual. Me...I'm kind of in the minority...where I figure both personality and physical into the equation...but with me, it doesn't take much for me to be physically attractive.

 

Anyhow, I think some people tend to try things out because their personality is so awesome as their kindness and charm grabs women, and they figure they would give a shot at the guy, give him a few dates to see if his personality will overpower his looks.

 

Some make this attempt, even to the point with sleeping with the guy sometimes...and figure, "Sorry, I just can't stomach looking at him anymore, I'm going to have to call it off."

 

I mean, yeah I think there's an obvious difference between men and women in that arena. Personally, for me, at the time I had been meeting a lot of different men, in order to see who fit and who didn't. With this guy, he was 20 minute late and looked completely different than his profile pic (side note: it was less that I found him physically unattractive—I too have a very wide pool of what I consider "attractive," it's that he so misrepresented himself that bugged me), so I thought, "OK, I'll give this guy like, an hour," and before I know it five hours have gone by and we've been talking non-stop, and later he messaged me to say it was the best first date he'd ever been on. I guess I would label that as, the benefit of the doubt.

 

Over the next few dates, other things came to light—his jokes were corny, or I found his politics to be too far to the right (for me), or he had an ex-wife and kids in Kentucky, etc—that made it a no-go.

 

I'm not sure that's necessarily "leading someone on." I was not physically attracted to him, but I wasn't at the time convinced that that was essential to dating someone. As soon as I did figure it out (this was the icing on the cake: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/507376-should-i-draw-her-portarait-2.html#post6066889), I was out of there.

 

I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd made any physical approaches. I am not one to sleep with someone I'm not attracted to, though.

[Maharishi]

Sadly, after we dated for a month I was stupid enough to move in with him. Then there was no way to hide the alcoholism and many other issues (16 beers/night, or 1.5 l of wine + vodka was the norm for him... I'm so glad he's out of my life)

 

Wow! I'm happy for you that he is out of your life now

[Maharishi]

even to the point with sleeping with the guy sometimes...and figure, "Sorry, I just can't stomach looking at him anymore, I'm going to have to call it off."

 

There is no way I could sleep with him. Even through his clothes I can see that he has sizeable sort of droopy breasts.

 

I had thought at first that he's shy but now he seems just sort of shifty and with an untrustworthy demeanour somehow.

 

I get the impression that maybe he's seeking just a hookup. But you'd expect him to have given up by now given the lack of progress?

[d0nnivain]

Am I insane?

 

You are not insane but you aren't being fair to him. If you aren't attracted to him & have no intentions of so much as kissing him, stop accepting dates with him. For you to accept the 2nd date was wrong IMO. By the time you said yes to the 3rd, you are giving him false hope.

 

If you don't like somebody that is OK but to give them the mistaken impression that they have a chance with you borders on cruel & heartless.

 

learn to draw & keep certain boundaries.

[PaperCrane]

There is no way I could sleep with him. Even through his clothes I can see that he has sizeable sort of droopy breasts.

 

I had thought at first that he's shy but now he seems just sort of shifty and with an untrustworthy demeanour somehow.

 

I get the impression that maybe he's seeking just a hookup. But you'd expect him to have given up by now given the lack of progress?

 

Why are you putting the onus of ending this on him?

 

He's taken the time and courage to ask for 3 dates, financed 2 of them, put himself out there physically and you keep rejecting him but accepting dates?

Then come on here and bash his physicality?

 

You're not wrong in wanting to end it. You're wrong in wanting him to end it by 'taking the hint' when he doesn't want to and putting the burden on him to be the bad guy in ending the situation. The hint you're giving is that you need him to pursue more. You've done this by accepting dates but pushing aside physical affection. He could think you prefer to move slow or that he has to prove himself.

 

Just because he's not super attractive doesn't mean he's some untrustworthy person. This is pushing negative aspects onto someone to justify something rather than being able to admit he doesn't do it for you physically.

 

The contrary is very true as well, look up the 'halo effect', it puts positive traits on someone simply because they're attractive before you even know them. This is true as well for people we don't find physically attractive.

[Zippy2000]

Why are you even coming onto a forum to tell us when the most important person you should be telling is the man you have strung along for the last three dates!!!!

[fitnessfan365]

But you'd expect him to have given up by now given the lack of progress?

 

This is a prime example of why dating can be so frustrating for men. For whatever reason, many women tend to have a passive aggressive mentality. I mean take the OP for example. She could have just been honest and respectfully direct after the first date. But instead, she continues to go on dates with the guy knowing she has no interest. It's a cowardly route hoping he'll take the hint and do your dirty work for you.

 

Assuming a guy is normal and well adjusted, he'll always handle rejection relatively well. But what ticks us off is being lead on.

Edited September 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[LookAtThisPOst]

I mean, yeah I think there's an obvious difference between men and women in that arena. Personally, for me, at the time I had been meeting a lot of different men, in order to see who fit and who didn't. With this guy, he was 20 minute late and looked completely different than his profile pic (side note: it was less that I found him physically unattractive—I too have a very wide pool of what I consider "attractive," it's that he so misrepresented himself that bugged me), so I thought, "OK, I'll give this guy like, an hour," and before I know it five hours have gone by and we've been talking non-stop, and later he messaged me to say it was the best first date he'd ever been on. I guess I would label that as, the benefit of the doubt.

 

Over the next few dates, other things came to light—his jokes were corny, or I found his politics to be too far to the right (for me), or he had an ex-wife and kids in Kentucky, etc—that made it a no-go.

 

I'm not sure that's necessarily "leading someone on." I was not physically attracted to him, but I wasn't at the time convinced that that was essential to dating someone. As soon as I did figure it out (this was the icing on the cake: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/507376-should-i-draw-her-portarait-2.html#post6066889), I was out of there.

 

I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd made any physical approaches. I am not one to sleep with someone I'm not attracted to, though.

 

Ah, here's where I think you and I differ. The two women who dated me exclusively at didn't care about looks....I met them in person, via Meetup.

[losangelena]

Ah, here's where I think you and I differ. The two women who dated me exclusively at didn't care about looks....I met them in person, via Meetup.

 

I'm not sure I follow, sorry. How is that we differ?

[40 Fonzarelli]

Yes you're insane for going out on a 2nd and 3rd date.

[WomenWubber]

There is no way I could sleep with him. Even through his clothes I can see that he has sizeable sort of droopy breasts.

 

I had thought at first that he's shy but now he seems just sort of shifty and with an untrustworthy demeanour somehow.

 

I get the impression that maybe he's seeking just a hookup. But you'd expect him to have given up by now given the lack of progress?

 

You assume too much.

[SoftViolin]

OP, just do it. No matter how uncomfortable and difficult, have the conversation. You don't need to be cruel, or say everything you think. You don't click, you are not feeling the connection, and that's all he needs to know. If you don't, this can go on for a long time, and even if you refuse the 4th date, without this explanation he might still think there's a chance. After all he had three great dates.

Trust me, if you delay for much longer, no matter who ends it, the feeling that will stay with you would be that you hurt this otherwise good guy. And that feeling sucks, I am sad to say I know from personal experience. Sincerity bites sometimes, but it is always always for the best.

[jam.over.jelly]

I don't understand why it's so hard just to be honest? You're wasting his time and it is not fair! He could have moved on and taken other women out who are genuinely interested in him, while instead he's investing his time in you, who clearly does not want him.