Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 The guy's profile pic showed a fresh-faced really good looking guy with a lovely smile. When we met in person he was 40 to 50 lbs heavier than the photo and at least 5 years older. He was maybe 4 inches shorter than me. 20 minutes late for the date and sort of twitchy and furtive in manner. We got chatting though and he turned out to be intelligent and quite interesting. This is where it gets weird. We went out on a second date and this time I found him even less physically attractive and even more furtive in manner. At the end of the date he tried to kiss me and I moved my face away. I told myself I did this because kissing in public would be embarrasing. Strangely I agreed to a 3rd date. This time I realised we don't even have anything in common. He tried to kiss me again at the end of the date and again I turned my face away. Again I pretended to myself that I was just too shy to kiss in public. Am I insane? In my heart I *know* that I find this man very physically unattractive and also I have very little in common with him. Yet I won't just admit that to myself at least.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Why? Is it because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You feel that once, twice, three times in is now habit-forming? You're "settling"...? Whichever way you look at it, you're leading him on. Your excuses to not being kissed are obviously just that. Excuses. If you really find him undateable, due to your preferences, then stop dating him, and quit giving him false hope. You have already rejected his advances, twice. That can't have gone unnoticed on his part, and can be doing nothing for his own security and self-esteem... 6
Author Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Why? Is it because you don't want to hurt his feelings? You're "settling"...?. I think it's a combination of these two things. Or maybe I don't think I "deserve" somebody I actually find attractive. Physically speaking I am attractive but I don't think my self-confidence quite matches up:( But I guess not wanting to kiss a man I find physically unattractive does not make me a bad person.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Well, you're not being honest with him, and you're certainly not being honest with yourself. While that doesn't make you 'a bad person', what would you say it DOES indicate? Work on that.... 1
guest569 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 You absolutely deserve someone you are attracted to. Otherwise there is nowhere to go in a relationship, it is vital. Have you not had much luck in dating lately? It definitely sounds like you are trying to force it (attraction) because you like him as a person, but it isn't happening. 2
ZA Dater Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 You absolutely deserve someone you are attracted to. Otherwise there is nowhere to go in a relationship, it is vital. Have you not had much luck in dating lately? It definitely sounds like you are trying to force it (attraction) because you like him as a person, but it isn't happening. Really depends on how one defines attraction, attraction can be purely physical or it can be more than that. Seeing you don't have much intellectually in common with him, maybe time to move on to any other prospect. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 You absolutely deserve someone you are attracted to. Otherwise there is nowhere to go in a relationship, it is vital. Have you not had much luck in dating lately? It definitely sounds like you are trying to force it (attraction) because you like him as a person, but it isn't happening. My recent experiences of dating included one man who told me: "You'd be the perfect girlfriend if you drank alcohol [i'm teetotal] but I don't see a future with a woman who won't drink -- choice is yours." Another guy told me I was "acting like somebody from the 1950s" because I wouldn't suck him off or have sex with him on the 2nd date.
ZA Dater Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 My recent experiences of dating included one man who told me: "You'd be the perfect girlfriend if you drank alcohol [i'm teetotal] but I don't see a future with a woman who won't drink -- choice is yours." Another guy told me I was "acting like somebody from the 1950s" because I wouldn't suck him off or have sex with him on the 2nd date. I am truly sorry your recent experiences have been so bad. I really hope the future experiences are much better! Don't feel too bad I got told the bold by a female on more than one occasion. 1
guest569 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 My recent experiences of dating included one man who told me: "You'd be the perfect girlfriend if you drank alcohol [i'm teetotal] but I don't see a future with a woman who won't drink -- choice is yours." Another guy told me I was "acting like somebody from the 1950s" because I wouldn't suck him off or have sex with him on the 2nd date. Wow, sounds like you've met some real keepers. 2
Jj66 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Another guy told me I was "acting like somebody from the 1950s" because I wouldn't suck him off or have sex with him on the 2nd date. Straight out of how to win friends and influence people. Jeez. 6
salparadise Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I think it's a combination of these two things. Or maybe I don't think I "deserve" somebody I actually find attractive. Physically speaking I am attractive but I don't think my self-confidence quite matches up:( But I guess not wanting to kiss a man I find physically unattractive does not make me a bad person. Yas, yas, you need to get with the program... you're in danger of diluting the gene pool. Some guys just aren't destined to replicate or gain access. While your compassion and empathy are quite admirable, in the dating-mating game there is simply no place for altruism. Like smiley1 says, you deserve a five-percenter... and the gene pool must be optimized at every turn, so up your game and be competitive! Keep chanting, "I deserve, I deserve," until you're absolutely certain of it. 1
ZA Dater Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Yas, yas, you need to get with the program... you're in danger of diluting the gene pool. Some guys just aren't destined to replicate or gain access. While your compassion and empathy are quite admirable, in the dating-mating game there is simply no place for altruism. Like smiley1 says, you deserve a five-percenter... and the gene pool must be optimized at every turn, so up your game and be competitive! Keep chanting, "I deserve, I deserve," until you're absolutely certain of it. On the contrary there is much to be admire about someone who does give people a chance, as opposed to throwing them on the rubbish heap. I myself have gone out with people who didn't look appealing simply because I wanted to see if there was something else there. However attraction is a strange thing, someone once said to me you are attracted if the idea of mating has appeal, crude but perhaps true. I agree, everyone deserves someone who "wows" them, even if its just temporary. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 I'm surprised he wasn't put off by the fact I turned my face away twice when he tried to kiss me. Well maybe it did put him off but not enough to stop him asking for another date.
ZA Dater Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm surprised he wasn't put off by the fact I turned my face away twice when he tried to kiss me. Well maybe it did put him off but not enough to stop him asking for another date. I have been him, albeit I never tried to kiss anyone. From his point of view he maybe finds you dazzling, perhaps someone who wouldn't normally go out with him. Kudos for going on three dates with him and keeping an open mind. 1
salparadise Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) I'm surprised he wasn't put off by the fact I turned my face away twice when he tried to kiss me. Well maybe it did put him off but not enough to stop him asking for another date. I'd guess he was somewhat discouraged, but probably knows you're out of his league... and if you're still accepting dates then he's thinking it's just a matter of time and persistence will pay off. A below average guy going out with an above average woman is not going to be offended and quit just because she gives him the cheek... he's still seeing this (you) as a prime opportunity... a bird in the hand, so to speak. Edited September 16, 2015 by salparadise 1
joseb Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm surprised he wasn't put off by the fact I turned my face away twice when he tried to kiss me. Well maybe it did put him off but not enough to stop him asking for another date. Well, as you keep leading him on by agreeing to more dates, its not surprising he isnt put off. If you have zero interest in him, why waste both your times? 2
No_Go Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Me too (the bolded statement), I still dated the guy and I realized why he said that: he was an alcoholic....... I am truly sorry your recent experiences have been so bad. I really hope the future experiences are much better! Don't feel too bad I got told the bold by a female on more than one occasion. 1
No_Go Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I went on 3 dates once with a guy like the one you describe... And after each date I though I am discovering something annoying about his mannerisms, speech etc. The truth was, thinking back, I was not attracted to him physically and searching for excuses (just he wasn't my type... else he was well groomed, smart, etc). I rejected the 4th date, and I think you would do the same.... It will get more painful to reject him later. The guy's profile pic showed a fresh-faced really good looking guy with a lovely smile. When we met in person he was 40 to 50 lbs heavier than the photo and at least 5 years older. He was maybe 4 inches shorter than me. 20 minutes late for the date and sort of twitchy and furtive in manner. We got chatting though and he turned out to be intelligent and quite interesting. This is where it gets weird. We went out on a second date and this time I found him even less physically attractive and even more furtive in manner. At the end of the date he tried to kiss me and I moved my face away. I told myself I did this because kissing in public would be embarrasing. Strangely I agreed to a 3rd date. This time I realised we don't even have anything in common. He tried to kiss me again at the end of the date and again I turned my face away. Again I pretended to myself that I was just too shy to kiss in public. Am I insane? In my heart I *know* that I find this man very physically unattractive and also I have very little in common with him. Yet I won't just admit that to myself at least. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 No Go you're so right!!! 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Me too (the bolded statement), I still dated the guy and I realized why he said that: he was an alcoholic....... How did you find out about his alcoholism?
autumnnight Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm surprised he wasn't put off by the fact I turned my face away twice when he tried to kiss me. Well maybe it did put him off but not enough to stop him asking for another date. You should probably stop accepting dates or he'll end up on LS with his calculator moaning about what a bad investment you were But really, if you aren't feeling it, it isn't fair to you or him to keep this going. 1
losangelena Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 This happened to me once. The guy was probably a good 60 lbs heavier (and late!), yet when we finally got to talking, it really clicked. But, after just a few dates, I was like, no. He never actually tried anything physical, but the thought of it just grossed me out. I finally called him and called it off. I get it; there's all these factors that make you go, "no" on the outset, but then there can be mental/emotional chemistry and you can think, "well maybe." But I too think that some element of physical attraction should be there. They don't have to be conventionally attractive, you just need to find them attractive.
No_Go Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Sadly, after we dated for a month I was stupid enough to move in with him. Then there was no way to hide the alcoholism and many other issues (16 beers/night, or 1.5 l of wine + vodka was the norm for him... I'm so glad he's out of my life) How did you find out about his alcoholism?
fitnessfan365 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 This is actually pretty common and it's one of the main drawbacks w/online dating. Until you actually meet and really see the person, they can post any number of deceptive photos. I've met a lot of women who claim to have an "athletic" or "curvy" body frame that use pics from weird angles, etc.. Then in person they're massively obese. Since I'm a personal trainer, I've tried to keep a sense of humor about it b/c of the irony. BUT... I do think it's messed up how you're leading the guy on. It takes a lot of balls for a guy to go for a kiss and make himself vulnerable like that. So when a woman rejects you in that moment, it's pretty brutal. It's only happened to me twice when I was younger, but I still remember it in vivid detail. So w/that said, you put the guy through not one kiss rejection, but two. My advice? Stop being selfish and agreeing to dates w/a guy you have no interest in.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 This happened to me once. The guy was probably a good 60 lbs heavier (and late!), yet when we finally got to talking, it really clicked. But, after just a few dates, I was like, no. He never actually tried anything physical, but the thought of it just grossed me out. I finally called him and called it off. I get it; there's all these factors that make you go, "no" on the outset, but then there can be mental/emotional chemistry and you can think, "well maybe." But I too think that some element of physical attraction should be there. They don't have to be conventionally attractive, you just need to find them attractive. I was wondering if women are different when it comes to attraction. With men, physical is pretty much a big deal usually as men are typically visual. Me...I'm kind of in the minority...where I figure both personality and physical into the equation...but with me, it doesn't take much for me to be physically attractive. Anyhow, I think some people tend to try things out because their personality is so awesome as their kindness and charm grabs women, and they figure they would give a shot at the guy, give him a few dates to see if his personality will overpower his looks. Some make this attempt, even to the point with sleeping with the guy sometimes...and figure, "Sorry, I just can't stomach looking at him anymore, I'm going to have to call it off."
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