Samuel_22 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) I was thinking about this last night, like always I had difficulty sleeping, and I was thinking about this question that were we really in love with them? I came across some shocking findings...shocking answers and well I feel we are all just scared... At least this is what I found out...now I want you to participate in this survey. I found out (well when I talked to a couple of dumpees yesterday and of course a thread I saw today) that we are just afraid of the unknown, that we want them back because we are scared...these were my thoughts during initial days of break up, and they occasionally come back... What if I don't find anyone better? What if I am supposed to live the rest of my life alone? What if she was the only one for me? What if I sent her a message and told her I loved her? would it work? What if I tried magic spells, how about that? would it work? All these questions have roots in the first question... Then last night I was thinking and I asked myself (if it is all about these ''what ifs'' how about this one? What if we are sure we will meet and click with someone 110% better both physically and emotionally comparing to our ex in just a year from now? Assuming a professional psychic reader whose predictions are always 110% true have provided you with this news Do we still want them back? Do you still want to shed tears? Do you still want to smoke packs of cigarettes? Do you still want to drink day in or day out? OR Do you want to go to gym and become your best version? Do you want to work harder and make more and more money? Do you want to improve yourself in every aspect imaginable? I think we have only entered panic mode...we feel insecure, we have fallen into the unknown, and that's all.... I want you to participate and let's see what we can find... Thank you all for participating... Edited September 16, 2015 by Samuel_22
Christos Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I think the answer depends on the individual. In my personal case, i don't need a psychic to tell me i will find a better person soon. My ex wasn't exactly a top model, NASA scientist or a patient saint. She did have many qualities of course, but not once in our 6 years together i didn't think that i can do better. Because i can, and i know it, and actually i had found "better" women than my ex, interested in me. At least "on paper", i don't know those women deeply enough to know their hidden faults. Now, even though i know i will find another woman, and possibly "better", i still would prefer to be with my ex. Because i love her. She was my first true love. We shared many things, we were very close to each other. I don't care if i can find a hot 10/10 woman, rich, with a PHD and a MENSA member, a good housewife and potential mother, and willing to please me in every way during sex. I still, if i had the chance, would prefer the woman i love. But she doesn't want me anymore. 1
marcusdevilliers Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 what you posted makes alot of since and it is true.i have been dumped recently by the girl i loved sooooooo much, my first love my first everything. but now she doesnt really care. i was in N.C with her for 2 weeks, i broke that yesterday by calling her, it was very good that i did though. now i know she really doesnt care for me, nor she never loved me. and it makes moving on alot easier. i was scared thinking that i may not find someone even tho im young, find someone like her who had everything that i loved, but now my eyes are openned. and every individual that walks into your life has a choice... and those that love you stay with you, fight the battles and make things work with you, they care for you more than you do and they show it.. so i agree with you because i believe that there is aways better ahead, people just get blinded by the lost of love they lose the view. so better yourself for yourself, and work on relationships where the other person works on it just as you do. i know i drifted away from the point, but i wont run down my ex to get back with me, i am open to giving her a second chance beacuse i do love her and it is our 1st major break up, but i will not run back to her. she has to come to me with the best and most sincere apology in the world, and i must truly believe she wants this to work. 2
realmly Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I would agree that part of the distress has to do with feeling like there is no one better out there for us, or that we will spend our lives alone. But at the stage I am right now, I don't even feel like thinking about other people, relationships, or potentials at the moment - even if it's in the sense of determining whether I will find better or not. I feel like I need to spend a significant time alone and work on bettering myself for MYSELF - not with the intention of bettering myself for someone else. 1
Felicite Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) Surely much of a dumpee’s frustration comes from the point of view that if he was dumped, that means he’s worthless, no one will ever love him again and the fear that he will be alone forever. Especially when a dumper treats you badly, you can’t stop thinking that you were inadequate and how are you ever going to be loved by another person? Also, it feels like you will have bad luck forever. In my case, I wouldn’t be interested in another man with super-abs, a sports car or even if he wanted to marry me, in a year from now. I want to go to the gym, look after me and become the best version I can be, so that I can better myself, but not to get a stereotype alpha guy from a men’s magazine cover. I would also like my ex back, because plainly I ‘m still in love with him. I’m in love with every little bit of him and that we could fit so well together in almost anything. I had never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life. I genuinely care and worry about him and I would give him another chance only if he gave me a sincere apology and tried his super-best to show me he is like before. But the truth is that overnight, the ex became a totally different person, he decided to leave because of GIGS I assume, and acted like someone who hated me. So at this stage he’s a person I look at now that scares me to death, gives me the chills. I’ve hidden myself from everywhere and I dread the moment that I will have to see him. It's going to be too freaky to deal with. Edited September 16, 2015 by Felicite 2
Liono84 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 It's real simple. We can only compare to what we've had in our past. Hypothetically, there will always be someone who is; -Better looking. -More compatible. -More fun. -More loving. -More loyal. -Etc. But because we've yet to meet that person, we can only go by off of the best we've had to date and in doing so, it's our ex's. That's why we feel so ****ty. It's not just that we lost our love. It's not just facing reality that they will probably never come back. The pain is thinking you'll never find that again. That's the real fear that makes it so hard to move on. I know there's somebody out there whose better than my ex in every category. But I don't know if it will take me a month, year, decade or a lifetime to find that person. Heck, you may never find that again, too. And it's that thought which kills us to the core. I don't want to settle. If I knew I would meet this person whose better than my ex, I would get over it like it were nothing. But because I will never know, moving on is not easy. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) It's real simple. We can only compare to what we've had in our past. Hypothetically, there will always be someone who is; -Better looking. -More compatible. -More fun. -More loving. -More loyal. -Etc. But because we've yet to meet that person, we can only go by off of the best we've had to date and in doing so, it's our ex's. That's why we feel so ****ty. It's not just that we lost our love. It's not just facing reality that they will probably never come back. The pain is thinking you'll never find that again. That's the real fear that makes it so hard to move on. I know there's somebody out there whose better than my ex in every category. But I don't know if it will take me a month, year, decade or a lifetime to find that person. Heck, you may never find that again, too. And it's that thought which kills us to the core. I don't want to settle. If I knew I would meet this person whose better than my ex, I would get over it like it were nothing. But because I will never know, moving on is not easy. So it is all about falling into the unknown...not the fact that we really loved these people...I agree we might not find that special person, but in the mean time we might...I highly believe odds are in favor of ''We might'' thing...the first time I fell in love I was 22, when I lost her I thought that's it, the end of the world, this time I am 27...this one was far better than the first one, I lost her too, but this time I know this is not the end of the world, because I will find someone better, maybe when I am 30 but who cares...this time I am my better version, I am everything I should be, and chances are it is the last time... 3rd times the charm...huh? I am really confident that I will find my dream girl soon...everyone should believe in that I suppose Edited September 16, 2015 by Samuel_22
KBarletta Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Honestly, I was a dumpee, and went through a long period of six months or so of wanting my ex back. At some point, though, I stopped wanting that. I can't say exactly why, whether it was that too much time had passed or I realized I was just afraid of being alone. But now, I can honestly say that if my ex came crawling back and vowed to love me forever, I would say no without reservation. I would rather be alone forever than go back to someone who gave up on me and disposed of me, put me in a desperate position and acted like she never cared. 7
drseuss Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I've posted this else where but remember every day that you are single , you are one day closer to meeting your next true love . 3
Liono84 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 So it is all about falling into the unknown...not the fact that we really loved these people...I agree we might not find that special person, but in the mean time we might...I highly believe odds are in favor of ''We might'' thing...the first time I fell in love I was 22, when I lost her I thought that's it, the end of the world, this time I am 27...this one was far better than the first one, I lost her too, but this time I know this is not the end of the world, because I will find someone better, maybe when I am 30 but who cares...this time I am my better version, I am everything I should be, and chances are it is the last time... 3rd times the charm...huh? I am really confident that I will find my dream girl soon...everyone should believe in that I suppose Of course we loved these people! I loved my ex very much. If she didn't break up with me, I wouldn't care to be with anyone else. I'm simply saying that when you love someone, they love you, and you get used to each other for a long period of time going out, you have some sort of direction in your life. It's the known variable. This is especially true when both of you have talked about marriage, as was my case. To have that all of a sudden taken away from you is such a painful experience. After the pain subdues, the other hard part is readjusting everything. The readjustment includes the thought of traveling thru 'the unknown'. At least it is for me, but yeah, everyone's different, so I can't speak for others. The reason why I say that is because as of right now, I no longer have these strong emotional feelings for my ex. If she comes back, great. If she doesn't, that's great too, because it wasn't mean to be and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't love me enough. 1
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 I've posted this else where but remember every day that you are single , you are one day closer to meeting your next true love . Yes..very true! exactly what I was thinking... there is no ifs and buts about it... we will finally see that special someone one day!!! someone that will make these days history forever, can't wait to see that day though
Author Samuel_22 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Of course we loved these people! I loved my ex very much. If she didn't break up with me, I wouldn't care to be with anyone else. I'm simply saying that when you love someone, they love you, and you get used to each other for a long period of time going out, you have some sort of direction in your life. It's the known variable. This is especially true when both of you have talked about marriage, as was my case. To have that all of a sudden taken away from you is such a painful experience. After the pain subdues, the other hard part is readjusting everything. The readjustment includes the thought of traveling thru 'the unknown'. At least it is for me, but yeah, everyone's different, so I can't speak for others. The reason why I say that is because as of right now, I no longer have these strong emotional feelings for my ex. If she comes back, great. If she doesn't, that's great too, because it wasn't mean to be and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't love me enough. Very insightful indeed... I agree we did love them, I mean if we had not loved them, we wouldn't be here at all, but at least for my case, there is no emotion anymore, I don't know about you, but my ex left me for an ex... so even if she came back, I wouldn't consider getting back to her...at first I thought I would take her back, and take revenge on her...right know I am going to point I have no impetus to do that...and yes I wanted marry her, I wanted to be with her forever, but now... things have changed.... the war is still the same, the war is for building a future, the war is to find someone you love to live with forever....wars...wars never change...people do. through the roads they walk...I have changed if she did not come back...great... if she did, well she has made a mistake...no way I am gonna take her back after so much pain I have been through... even if I have to stay single forever...of course perhaps it is that my case is different from yours mate
mightycpa Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I never projected the actions of my ex on all humanity. Just because she didn't stick around, I didn't automatically assume that nobody would. Similarly, I never really was afraid of being alone or that I wouldn't love again. I did think that I'd love the ex forever, and I pretty much did (do). But that didn't mean I couldn't love others too. I took some time to myself, then started to enjoy the company of other girls. I even started dating a "practice girlfriend" so that I could work out some of the problems I recognized in how I acted. That probably wasn't fair to the practice GF, but for me, it paid off in spades. Future girls loved the way I treated them... not overly nice, but not ****ty either. Just right. About her coming back, sure, my ego wanted her back, and my heart wanted her back, but only the way she used to feel about me. My mind knew better. I totally avoided her because I knew she'd never be the same, and I didn't want her that way. Looking back, I may not have been the best BF in the world, but I damn sure knew how to be a dumpee! I only got dumped once more after that, and that was because I told her that marriage was not in our future. It didn't feel good, but I couldn't blame her, and I got over that one pretty quickly. Other than that, it's been a charmed life. I'd like to think I paid a lifetime misery up front, and it's been pretty much smooth sailing ever since. 1
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