Guys obsessed with my "ethnicity"

[SincereOnlineGuy]

When someone asks "where are you from?" and you say "London" and if they persist in saying "where are you REALLY from". What they are saying is "no, you may be born in London, but you are sure as **** not English!"

 

That sort of behaviour is not okay!

 

 

 

So she wants to fit-in and be accepted in any surroundings, and yet she herself uses phrases like:

 

 

Most of them are born here.

 

 

It just seems counterintuitive to say the least.

[jay1983]

I get asked that a lot and I'm consistently mistaken for something else. It doesn't bother me, I like what I am and representing my ethnic side.☺

[40 Fonzarelli]

If I was dating an Asian girl who is American, I would still want to know what her ethnicity is.

[craw]

Welcome to my world. This happens everywhere, its not only an UK thing. Third culture bs.

 

I was born and brought up in the Middle East, so yes I have a strange British Accent. Before completing my GCSE's we moved to Canada. Also I'm not Arab.

 

So anyway, no matter where I go in the world, I..constantly asked where I am from. Usually people by pass it by asking where my parents are from. They also have a mixed background.

 

I've been told I could be from Spain, Israel, Italy, Algeria, India. When I do tell them, they say omg u don't look like you're from there. Which is so bloody rude.

 

So I've never understood why people ask where I'm.from. I am not offended, but it really annoys me. I don't know if its a form of a pick up line.

 

I'm not offended, because I have never felt like anywhere is my home.

[Penguin_hugs]

Right! I've got an English accent so it seems fairly obvious I'm English. If I was white skinned and had parents born overseas I doubt anybody would be probing in this particular way, they'd just assume I was English probably

 

Some people are just ignorant. I'm white British- I think if you go back about 10 generations my family were Eastern European migrants- but I class myself as white British. I had an older lady randomly ask me a few months ago whether I was going to remain in the UK or head home after I finished my studies... I was like... "I'm British- this is my home". I have dark hair but I am pretty pale- it's obvious I don't have any other ethnic background. I just thought it was rude!

 

I think it's a rude comment for anyone- regardless of appearance- my friend is British born Iraqi and someone asked her that too- when she told them she was British born they just said "congratulations" and walked off!

[sandylee1]

Right! I've got an English accent so it seems fairly obvious I'm English. If I was white skinned and had parents born overseas I doubt anybody would be probing in this particular way, they'd just assume I was English probably

 

If your English and are not white, then it's obvious you have a different ethnic origin and being asked about it shouldn't be an issue.

 

If I asked that question and you just said 'English ', I'd think you were being funny or you had an issue with the 'black' side of yourself. Almost like you were embarrassed. If you have parents from two countries you part X and part Y. To just say Y, would be technically incorrect.

 

Your nationality is different from your ethnicity and people are naturally curious, because it's a visible difference.

 

I'm a black born brit and I don't see a problem with the question. It's just curiosity. If my child was dating a mixed race person, I'd want to know their heritage and ethnicity.

[Maharishi]

If your English and are not white, then it's obvious you have a different ethnic origin and being asked about it shouldn't be an issue.

 

If I asked that question and you just said 'English ', I'd think you were being funny or you had an issue with the 'black' side of yourself. Almost like you were embarrassed. If you have parents from two countries you part X and part Y. To just say Y, would be technically incorrect.

 

Your nationality is different from your ethnicity and people are naturally curious, because it's a visible difference.

 

I'm a black born brit and I don't see a problem with the question. It's just curiosity. If my child was dating a mixed race person, I'd want to know their heritage and ethnicity.

 

That's fine for you if you're happy with strangers asking "but where are you REALLY from?" But just because you are happy with this, doesn't mean that everyone else is or should be. Try to realise that. It's not about being "embarrassed" to be African. It's about requiring strangers to mind their own f***ing business. If and when I want to discuss my family's ethnic heritage with strangers then I will do so but I am not obliged to.

[craw]

So this thread seems to come up conveniently.

 

I've been talking to a guy met from Okcupid. He's quite intense and I enjoy having a conversation with him.

 

So he keeps speaking to me in Arabic, finally I had to tell him that I only speak English. He proceeds to question me about my religion, what sect that I'm in, why I'm not religious.

 

It really pissed me off.

 

I told my sister the story and she explained to me that people are obsessed with putting people in boxes, so when we don't fit one box or in multiple boxes, people get confused.

 

Hmm.

[seekingluck]

Kick them to the curb. Likely they are really one of those exotic fetish people. There are 2 types:

1. Put you on a pedestal because you are a mixed black person, then talk trash about non-mixed black people

2. Aiming to travel the world in 180 beds...and you are one of the notches

 

I find people who are too inquisitive about your background too early have some weird issues to work out.

[lino]

I've been asked of my ethnic background ever since I moved to Australia. Both because of accent and appearance and it has never bothered me.

 

 

I've had all sorts of assumptions made about me because of it too. Again, doesn't bother me.

[lino]

I know how you feel, and I think it is a UK thing and commentators from other countries might not be able to fully understand how it feels.

 

While I've constantly been asked in the US where I am from (even by strangers in the supermarket) it never really upset me, because I knew it came from a place of curiosity.

 

But in England (or pretty much anywhere in Europe) it really bugs me if people keep asking me where I am from and won't accept my first answer and follow up with "no, where are you really from?" just because I don't look or speak the way they think people from this country should. It is like they can't accept that someone could be Irish and not have red hair, German without blond or Italian without black hair. And let's not even talk about skin color. To me it feels very 'racist', clannish, xenophobic, etc.

 

So while this might not help you, I just wanted to let you know that this is a very common issue for people who are a bit different from the local population. I try not to let it bother me too much, but have sometimes answered the follow-up question after they did not accept my first answer with either 'none of your business' or 'why, does it blow your mind that I don't look/sound like the typical local? I apologize."

 

 

Black hair actually isn't common in Italy. You're thinking more brown hair.

 

 

Black hair may only be common in some parts of the south where those people will have North African descendants several generations back.

 

 

If you live in an English speaking country, it's likely most the Italian migrants there migrated from the southern parts of Italy so I can see why you'd make this assumption.

[casey.lives]

I've had the same question asked to me for all of my life. I have adopted telling people in great detail about my origins. I start of by saying im mixed black and white: because it's not obvious .lol and then i indulge them by taking it right back to the coast of west Africa, Senegal.. and about whom i've dated i don't disclose. It's no ones business.

[casey.lives]

when you're mixed, you encounter the insecurities from all sides.

[seekingluck]

You should totally react like this!

 

[Maharishi]

Kick them to the curb. Likely they are really one of those exotic fetish people. There are 2 types:

1. Put you on a pedestal because you are a mixed black person, then talk trash about non-mixed black people

2. Aiming to travel the world in 180 beds...and you are one of the notches

 

I find people who are too inquisitive about your background too early have some weird issues to work out.

 

This is all very true seekingluck

[road]

I would be identified as being white by the PC police.

 

 

 

 

Though I always identify myself European ancestry. As a _______-American.

Then sub category religion.

 

 

 

 

Growing up it pre PC days kids and adults would ask each other what were they, meaning ethnic background even when race was apparent. It was done out of curiosity. There never was hating when it was revealed what they/you were.

 

 

I can not understand being offended by being "ask what are you". Being asked is the opportunity to show off your pride in who you are.

 

 

Why date someone where religion being different is a deal breaker? Wanting your children to have both parents with the same religion is not discrimination.

[seekingluck]

I would be identified as being white by the PC police.

 

Though I always identify myself European ancestry. As a _______-American.

Then sub category religion.

 

Growing up it pre PC days kids and adults would ask each other what were they, meaning ethnic background even when race was apparent. It was done out of curiosity. There never was hating when it was revealed what they/you were.

 

I can not understand being offended by being "ask what are you". Being asked is the opportunity to show off your pride in who you are.

 

Why date someone where religion being different is a deal breaker? Wanting your children to have both parents with the same religion is not discrimination.

 

 

Here is my take. I naturally care about what people are and how they have become the person they are. I might even make some assumptions about their ethnic background when I meet them. But I never ask anyone. I let them tell me, when they are ready, how they identify and "what they are."

 

I've got loads of mixed friends and acquaintances. And all of them tell me stories about not feeling [blank] enough based on one of their identities. Many have interesting family dynamics, depending on if they are too light to too dark for hat groups preferences, other people didn't get the support or love from one end of the family because their parents dated/married/had a kid out of the group.

 

So instead of risking uncomfortable feelings for the person, I let them determine when and if they want to share. Now if we are friends and have been for a while, it'll likely come up naturally. For some people it is really complicated, not first conversation worthy.

 

The other thing is, people don't universally ask "everyone" what their identity is. They only ask people they haven't made assumptions about. One of my friends looks like a "regular" black woman, medium brown, kinky hair the whole nine yards. Her dad's from Panama. No one goes around asking if she is latina, because she doesn't meet our stereotypes about that, so she doesn't have all those opportunities to share her story.

 

I look like a "regular" dark-skinned black woman, in college I kept meeting all sorts of europeans who would ask what country my ancestors were from. I am black american, and my family is still trying to figure out geology pre-civil war. I have no idea, the last thing I want to do is get into a conversation about how slavery stole my ethnic identity with a stranger.

 

Another friend of mine, he looks ambiguously ethnic, my category for people with dark hair, olive skin, perhaps dark eyes who could easily be anything from greek to italian to arab to mixed race to south asian to latino to native american... He just lets every assume he was latino. He didn't want to talk about his poor relationship with his dad, and talking abut his south asian heritage brings up negative feelings.

 

But at the end of the day, it is meaningless. It doesn't effect how I will interact with or treat someone if I know their ethnic makeup. It is irrelevant.

[Marc878]

Sounds like your special.

 

Enjoy that attention!

[Maharishi]

I would be identified as being white by the PC police.

 

 

 

 

Though I always identify myself European ancestry. As a _______-American.

Then sub category religion.

 

 

 

 

Growing up it pre PC days kids and adults would ask each other what were they, meaning ethnic background even when race was apparent. It was done out of curiosity. There never was hating when it was revealed what they/you were.

 

 

I can not understand being offended by being "ask what are you". Being asked is the opportunity to show off your pride in who you are.

 

 

Why date someone where religion being different is a deal breaker? Wanting your children to have both parents with the same religion is not discrimination.

 

How does religion come into this? And children?

[Maharishi]

Here is my take. I naturally care about what people are and how they have become the person they are. I might even make some assumptions about their ethnic background when I meet them. But I never ask anyone. I let them tell me, when they are ready, how they identify and "what they are."

 

I've got loads of mixed friends and acquaintances. And all of them tell me stories about not feeling [blank] enough based on one of their identities. Many have interesting family dynamics, depending on if they are too light to too dark for hat groups preferences, other people didn't get the support or love from one end of the family because their parents dated/married/had a kid out of the group.

 

So instead of risking uncomfortable feelings for the person, I let them determine when and if they want to share. Now if we are friends and have been for a while, it'll likely come up naturally. For some people it is really complicated, not first conversation worthy.

 

The other thing is, people don't universally ask "everyone" what their identity is. They only ask people they haven't made assumptions about. One of my friends looks like a "regular" black woman, medium brown, kinky hair the whole nine yards. Her dad's from Panama. No one goes around asking if she is latina, because she doesn't meet our stereotypes about that, so she doesn't have all those opportunities to share her story.

 

I look like a "regular" dark-skinned black woman, in college I kept meeting all sorts of europeans who would ask what country my ancestors were from. I am black american, and my family is still trying to figure out geology pre-civil war. I have no idea, the last thing I want to do is get into a conversation about how slavery stole my ethnic identity with a stranger.

 

Another friend of mine, he looks ambiguously ethnic, my category for people with dark hair, olive skin, perhaps dark eyes who could easily be anything from greek to italian to arab to mixed race to south asian to latino to native american... He just lets every assume he was latino. He didn't want to talk about his poor relationship with his dad, and talking abut his south asian heritage brings up negative feelings.

 

But at the end of the day, it is meaningless. It doesn't effect how I will interact with or treat someone if I know their ethnic makeup. It is irrelevant.

 

Yup, this is how polite people behave! If only everybody was as well-mannered as you clearly are

[craw]

There's a way to ask without it coming off as an interrogation. It's not racist, its invasive.

 

 

 

 

 

[/i]

I would be identified as being white by the PC police.

 

 

 

 

Though I always identify myself European ancestry. As a _______-American.

Then sub category religion.

 

 

 

 

Growing up it pre PC days kids and adults would ask each other what were they, meaning ethnic background even when race was apparent. It was done out of curiosity. There never was hating when it was revealed what they/you were.

 

 

I can not understand being offended by being "ask what are you". Being asked is the opportunity to show off your pride in who you are.

 

 

Why date someone where religion being different is a deal breaker? Wanting your children to have both parents with the same religion is not discrimination.

[road]

How does religion come into this? And children?

 

Children mirror what adults do. Child sees adult do: anyone meet/know anything about that new family that moved in? People put labels on themselves and others. Religion is another way of putting an identifying label.

 

 

The major labels are race, ethnicity, nationality, religion.

 

 

Many minor labels: wealth, profession, came to my mind.

[road]

There's a way to ask without it coming off as an interrogation. It's not racist, its invasive.

 

 

 

 

 

[/i]

 

Depending on how and why one asks makes a difference. Meeting a person with an accent. You recognize the accent so you ask are you from _______ . Conversation starter. They respond with how bad their English is and accent is. You compliment the on their English, yes they have an accent, though that is normal for non native speakers but your English skills are excellent for I have no problem understanding you.

 

 

Then if they appear to want to continue the conversation you ask them how long they have lived here. You can talk about how your grandpa was the first one in your family to immigrate here.

[Pillow]

I find the answers reasonable as an African-American.

 

There are some people who I am not sure what race they are (especially my own fellow black people) and I don't want to offend them by saying the wrong thing. Out of necessity, the black pride movement, and the American one-drop rule from slavery, African Americans believe anything that's somewhat black is black and black-ness comes in all colors. Blackness is NOT WHITE, but it could be anything else.

 

For example, there are two girls who I work with. I was SURE one of the girls was South Asian. She was not. She has a black mother and an a Turkish father. Another woman in our office looked on the line between Persian and maybe biracial. But, nope, she was a light-skinned black woman. She did not identify as mixed anymore than I do. We identify either of these girls as black lol.

 

There have been other times where I would think I'm talking to a white guy due to the paleness of the skin and then, I'd have to readjust internally and realize that the person I'm talking to identifies as African-American.

 

So, it's VERY complicated.

 

 

 

When they say "you're not a typical black girl" it could mean 1 or 2 things.

 

For the ignorant:

1. That the person is trying to neg you: say something offensive so you will feel the need to flirt with them. They are saying "you don't want to be a typical black girl so prove to me that you are not." To respond, I would either ask for clarification (this always trips up ignorant people when you pose questions to them: what is a typical black girl?) humor them (by asking if they are a typical [race] guy and why or why not?) or ignore them or educate them. I wouldn't waste anymore time on it.

 

If they mean, black women typically are ghetto. I would educate them about what the term ghetto means. It means to grow up in a forced, isolated state of POVERTY due to hatred/racism by a oppressive state, and seeing how black women had to die just to be allowed to drink from the same water fountains as white people, I would be very careful about making fun of someone in the ghetto. It takes a lot to be poor. You have to be very strong, because POVERTY isn't easy and ISOLATED POVERTY due to ghettoziation isn't either. Why is that a thing to be mean about?

 

 

For the educated:

Or 2. In America, a typical black girl is a descendant of a slave. African-Americans are probably mixed with Europeans.

 

He is probably saying you are not a descendant from an American slave, so where are you from?

 

As a fellow black person, I wish I could know where my ancestors came from. They have traced it to Europe and West African for African-Americans but otherwise, that's it sadly. So be proud of where you come from.