SoFrustrated Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my post. Please give honest, mature responses only. My partner and I have been together for almost one year. He is 32 and I am 29. He is divorced (together 10yrs) and lives downstairs in a self contained unit under his parents home. He does pay rent and he also owns a property which he is currently renting out. I see him most nights and will most likely be moving in later through the year - if all goes well. When I met him, he made out that he was more on the introverted side and that he didn't drink much. Since I've tired of the partying scene, (I'll still go and drink very occasionally) I was excited to see if we had a future. He is extremely EXtroverted and gets drunk every weekend, whether that be at a friends place or a bar in the city ( he's not into clubbing). He gets so drunk sometimes that he vomits for hours afterwards. His mother is an alcoholic (drinks every night) and I've voiced my concerns to him about wanting to settle down and feeling that he isn't ready. He says that he is ready, and that he will calm down with the drinking once he has a child. I have repeatedly told him that I need to see that happening prior to us having children. He says he is living his life and that I'm just being boring. He does invite me to most nights out. I go to some of them....I just want to do different things! He travelled around the world with his ex wife. I feel that I'm just with someone who feels that the world owes him 10 years of partying to make up for 'lost time' ??? I don't want the father of my child to go out every weekend and get drunk. He gets really offended when I say this. He tells me that I make out that he drinks too much. I think he does at 32..? Am I over-reacting? I just feel that at 32, he would want to settle? Edited September 16, 2015 by SoFrustrated
Got it Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I would take him for who he is today and assume that will basically continue. Assess that and make your decisions. I agree, that would not work for me but he has every right to want to spend his evenings doing what he wants to do though you have ever right to decide that is not conducive for a family. 5
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 He's not compatible & won't stop drinking once he has a kid. Drinking is his life. 5
CarrieT Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 He's not compatible & won't stop drinking once he has a kid. Drinking is his life. Repeated for truth. I've lived with alcoholics. They don't stop unless they want to; not because they have children (I am daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics). 4
preraph Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 If he was 20, I'd say, Hey, this is what 20-year-olds are like. But he's 32. I ran with a very inebriated and druggy crowd when young, and I know these things. If a person hasn't begun to temper themselves by sometime in their 30s, it's unlikely they're going to. I continued to drink too much until I was near 40, but it was the product of the career I was in which required constant partying, basically. Once I was out of it, I quit. But for most people, the party is over once they get a steady job and have to get up in the morning. People should begin to wind down the drinking just to make their career and getting up easier, if for no other reason. If instead they ramp it up and take something to get up and something to go to sleep or just stay drunk, they are an addict. If he ever drinks in the morning, he is an addict. If not drinking is something he considers completely off the table, he is an addict. They always tell themselves everyone does it and it's just beer or it's just wine, etc. I was a champagne lush, but when I had to diet, I'd quite drinking for sometimes months at a time. It was never off the table. You can't make an addict do anything. Honestly, you are better off getting away from him. He may never deal with it. If he does, it will have to be because he wants to. You can certainly tell him that by continuing to drink all the time, he has chosen that over your relationship and leave him with that thought. I had a younger girlfriend who was an alcoholic from a very young age, and I was the first to tell her she was drinking too much. It went out the other ear and it took another 10 or 12 years and a failing marriage and counseling to make her want to quit. She's been sober 25 years now and we're still buds. Make your boundaries and keep them. You can't change people overnight. What you see is what you get. Marriage in no way changes someone for the better in that regard (adds more stresses if anything) and certainly having kids doesn't. He is who he is. The longer you enable him, the longer he'll stay that way, but it's a long road, so don't hang around hoping and waiting. 2
No Limit Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 So he's in his 30s, lives with his parents and absorbs alcoholic fluids like a sponge. And you want to have kids with this guy? I think you're being confronted with the reason why his ex left him. If the answer is yes, are you prepared to take responsibility of a child all on your own? I hope he at least looks good, there's plenty to choose from regarding sperm donors. 2
Author SoFrustrated Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 He claims that he isn't an alcoholic. He believes that drinking everyday (which he doesn't) means that you're an alcoholic. He doesn't drink in the mornings
JulFor9 Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 This is a problem if he drinks every weekend, you should help him to fight against alcohol and then have children. 1
spiderowl Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 I don't think you are overreacting. His behaviour is a big red flag. He has an alcohol problem but is denying it by making it your problem (i.e. you are just a killjoy, it's not that HE has a problem!). Is his behaviour making you feel uncomfortable? Would you be happy moving in and, later, having children with him if he carried on in the same way? You've already pretty much said you wouldn't. No point expecting anyone to change; people don't tend to until they reach crisis point. Do you want to stay with him until he reaches crisis point? Someone I knew reached crisis point with alcohol and then he stayed there. He is still there many years and several injuries later (he has fallen quite a lot). Your guy is an extrovert party guy. Why would he change if that's his nature? 1
spiderowl Posted September 17, 2015 Posted September 17, 2015 He claims that he isn't an alcoholic. He believes that drinking everyday (which he doesn't) means that you're an alcoholic. He doesn't drink in the mornings How do you know he doesn't drink in the mornings? He could drink when he is out of your sight and on his way to work. He could drink on and off all day long.
Siquijor Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 There are enough problems in life without having an alcoholic partner adding to them. If he goes teetotal for at least a year then maybe you could consider living together and having a family. If not, don't even go there. Put it this way, if the most beautiful woman in the world walked into my life - and she was an alcoholic, I'd run a mile. Alcohol comes first with them and everything else a distant second. Unless he changes find yourself someone more responsible and stronger who isn't wallowing in a bathtub of self pity.
TunaCat Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Run, OP, Run like a crazed axe murder is chasing you. This guy has clearly demonstrated to you that alcohol is more important to him than you are. You deserve better than what he can give you.
Author SoFrustrated Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks for the advice. Can I ask what makes everyone assume he is an alcoholic?
Author SoFrustrated Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. He is on a holiday (domestic) with his family atm. He told me that he was having a 'few' drinks last night with friends but had to get up early and drive so wouldn't be having a big one. He promised me. It's 5:15am in Australia right now and he (along with his friends) was last active on fb an hour ago I'm done.
spiderowl Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Thanks for the advice. Can I ask what makes everyone assume he is an alcoholic? "He is extremely EXtroverted and gets drunk every weekend, whether that be at a friends place or a bar in the city ( he's not into clubbing). He gets so drunk sometimes that he vomits for hours afterwards. His mother is an alcoholic (drinks every night) and I've voiced my concerns to him about wanting to settle down and feeling that he isn't ready. He says that he is ready, and that he will calm down with the drinking once he has a child. I have repeatedly told him that I need to see that happening prior to us having children. He says he is living his life and that I'm just being boring. He does invite me to most nights out. I go to some of them....I just want to do different things" He could choose not to get drunk every weekend but it seems he always prefers that. He gets so drunk sometimes that he vomits for hours. This is unusual in a guy of his age. The pain and discomfort would put most people off doing this again for months but it doesn't seem to put him off from what you say. He says he will calm down with the drinking when he has a child. He is postponing stopping the drinking. Does he not drink in the evenings on work days? How is he in the mornings? Does he seem irritable and distracted a lot of the time? Does he keep going out to do things, like go to the shed, to the attic, to the shop, places where he can have a drink where you won't notice? He might not, but he still sounds like he has a problem with drink and is barely controlling it at the moment.
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