Substance abuse relationship stories out there?

[lillymae1010]

I know on the surface it seems ridiculous "two recovering addicts? what did you think was going to happen?"

 

We never used together. We didn't abuse the same substance. We've never been homeless on the streets. We're both clean now albeit struggling...but clean. Any which way I don't think any of that makes us better or worse than anybody out there - it's just part of the story and I don't know if this is the right platform to share it.

 

When it comes down to it a lot of what happened I believe has been due to normal relationship woes on top of a slightly warped way of thinking/feeling on both of our parts rather than the substance itself.

 

For now I'm just wondering is it worth writing it all out and still be taken seriously on here? Feedback either way much appreciated. Thanks all.

[Poppyolive]

I don't have experience. But, I'm sure if you continue In therapy, group meetings, support, without leaning on your partner a healthy relationship can be built. I think it would be crucial to have boundaries, anything that hinders your healing needs to go. That would go for your partner and visa versa. You say struggling? Can you explain?

[lillymae1010]

Thanks for the response.

 

Before I answer that I should give a moderate summary of recent events: our relationship started here on the west coast for about 7 weeks (both of us mid twenties by the way). Eventually he (Jack) had to return back to the east coast because he had a lot of student loans to still pay and he had his bartending job waiting for him back home along with his family and parents who just separated. He's young but he works his ass off...he even took on a second job because he didn't want to borrow any money from his parents. Usually I don't believe in that zodiac crap but he's a Leo to his core.

 

Anyway when he left we both knew we couldn't do long distance especially with all the things going on in both of our lives. We decided if we can get & keep our **** together for sometime on our own then we would readdress our relationship and living situations if we both still wanted it down the road. For him money was the first thing he had to get fixed which I understood and still do.

 

In the meantime we communicated often either by phone or text. About two months into it his mood changed dramatically...he wasn't texting/calling as much and when we did talk he would say things like "I feel like I'm just maintaining right now" in regards to his sobriety etc.

 

Heroin is his DOC and oh man is that a tough one. Physically horrible but also a major mind f*** for years to come. You'd never guess by looking at him. Great looking guy, fit, infectious smile...he can walk into a room and make everyone happy, unfortunately sometimes he keeps his own suffering locked up which eventually builds up.

 

Anyway one day he sent me a picture of him wearing his fishing hat and all I could see was the pain in his eyes. It was weird cause he was grinning but he looked so sad. And that's exactly what I said, "You look sad. Good as always, but sad." That's when he admitted to me he had relapsed and that he was so upset with himself. He also said that it kills him because he feels like he let me down. I told him the only thing that would ever let me down is if he stops trying altogether. He sounded set on getting back on track by jumping into work (including his second job in construction that he was just about to begin) and powering through. At the end of the convo he said he always felt better after talking to me...which was the same for me when I would tell him about my problems.

 

Apparently I'm the only person he told about all this...not even his family or his best friend Sam whom he considers like a brother (he's a great guy we actually talk occasionally when we need to vent about boys/girls)

 

So a few days later Jack texted and we talked a little. He seemed blah but it's hard to tell via text. The last two things he said to me were "Are you doing okay?" and finally "I miss you Lilly."

 

And that was it. He went silent. I seriously thought he might be dead at first bc he wasn't responding to his best friend Sam either but finally he did after a week or so. Sam told me that he seemed stressed about work but other than that he seemed okay....mind you Sam still doesn't know about the one relapse a while back and while I don't enjoy dancing around the subject it's just not my place to tell him.

 

Obviously there is so much more to the story but that's it in a nutshell. It's been almost a month of nothing, even after my several requests for just some simple closure / no drama conversation. It's his choice if he doesn't want to be with me but I deserve a good bye let alone acknowledgement of my existence. I'm left absolutely clueless and obviously hurt.

 

His friend texted me the other day and asked how things are going with me and Jack and I was just like, seriously?

[lillymae1010]

Just a sidenote. We met in a sober living home together which is where we met - I know not a very good place to start a relationship and I never had any intention of doing so but it is what it is.

 

Anyway my point is 7 weeks sounds like nothing but we were basically living together and saw the good, the bad and the ugly on both ends. Those 7 weeks felt like the equivalent of a year or two in a relationship under normal circumstances. In fact my previous relationship of two years, now that I think about it, pales in comparison in terms of real emotional intimacy.

[Mondmellonw]

Hi there.

I am not a recovering addict, but I was involved with an active addict two years ago. When we first met, the first thing he told me was "my dad doesn't like the way I drink, so I will stop".

I thought this was something nice, but it was trash.

It was a complete lie. He never stopped drinking.

I know that drugs and alcohol are very damaging to the person's brain and the way they interact with others becomes damaged as well, they can be very manipulative (this is just my experience, I don't want to be offensive. He was really manipulative and emotionally abusive as well).

So... What I'm trying to say it's that this relationship had a serious effect in my general health (a bad one). I left him but the damage was already done.

I'd say... If your guy is serious about his recovery and is taking serious steps to maintain things that way, and so do you, give it a try, but be very careful and don't rush into things.

[lillymae1010]

Thanks for the feedback. I wish you the best and I'm sorry you had to go through that. As an addict myself (prescription Adderall. ugh) I've come to realize that most addicts aren't bad people at all, but their behaviors at some point are inexcusable no matter how wonderful they are.

 

A few years ago I doctor shopped and filled multiple scripts. That's like a felony! I'm lucky I didn't go to jail. Prior to that I had never broken the law let alone get a speeding ticket. Addiction can turn you into someone you don't recognize sometimes.

[Mondmellonw]

Thanks for the feedback. I wish you the best and I'm sorry you had to go through that. As an addict myself (prescription Adderall. ugh) I've come to realize that most addicts aren't bad people at all, but their behaviors at some point are inexcusable no matter how wonderful they are.

 

A few years ago I doctor shopped and filled multiple scripts. That's like a felony! I'm lucky I didn't go to jail. Prior to that I had never broken the law let alone get a speeding ticket. Addiction can turn you into someone you don't recognize sometimes.

 

Yes, I want to believe that he had some good inside of him even with all the bad stuff he did to me. I really do, as this helps me in my healing process. I want to let it go, and I wish that someday he chooses his recovery.

 

Good luck, your path won't be easy but you're doing the right thing. Take care

[lillymae1010]

Even if they genuinely want to an addict cannot give you (or anyone) the love you deserve without first loving themselves.

 

I remember the first time a psychologist told me that I have to learn to "love myself" it literally made me nauseous.

[Mondmellonw]

Even if they genuinely want to an addict cannot give you (or anyone) the love you deserve without first loving themselves.

 

I remember the first time a psychologist told me that I have to learn to "love myself" it literally made me nauseous.

 

 

I understand that. He told me one day that he didn't love himself. But he seemed really selfish, it always seemed like a contradiction to me.

 

And... Well, I don't know if he did love me or not.

I know I did love him. But til this day he is with another person who drinks too, and he even sent me a letter saying how she is perfect for him.

 

So I will never understand him.

 

But I hope he gets better someday - when it comes to his alcoholism -

[lillymae1010]

When you think about it, hating yourself is selfish. It doesn't mean they're a bad person though.

[thejabberwocky]

My boyfriend became an addict during our relationship. He developed a huge dependency on weed (high absolutely all the time - something I was sick of dealing with) and then started using pills. I tried to help him recover but unless someone really wants help, it will always lead back to their addiction.

 

We were together 6 years and I finally had to end it about a month ago, because once again, he was lying to me and using drugs. I've had enough.

 

So here's the thing. 7 weeks may seem like a while to you, but be grateful you got out now and not in 6 years. If he's still having issues and relapsing, he should not be dating anyone. Not to mention, his issues could very much trigger you! I'm sure you care for him very much but you need to prioritize your well-being here. You are too important to risk a relapse because of someone else's poor choices.

 

Run. And if one day you both are fully recovered and ready to handle a mature relationship, you can get back together. But don't waste 6 years hoping everything will work out. You need to focus on you.

[lillymae1010]

I appreciate your sharing your experience.

 

You're right in terms of better now than later. I feel like I accept that it's over, but I'm having trouble in the manner - or lack there of - that it was done. That was the one thing we promised no matter what is that we would be on the same page. Who knows if he's clean or not but even if I was doped up and unable to handle an emotional conversation I'd at least send a text message saying something like "I'm sorry. I'll explain soon but I can't right now." Not just to him but to anyone.

 

Logically, no, closure won't change anything so why do you need it so much? From an emotional standpoint, F logic I deserve it. My mind is stubbornly stuck in the latter.

 

At the risk of being self-indulgently & sappy, I just came across one of the notes he left for me. It reminds me of the person I originally fell for.

 

"Lils, I never knew it would be this hard. Just keep putting positivity out there and we'll be okay. I can honestly say I loved every second I got to spend with you. It breaks my heart leaving but it's not forever. I take comfort in that.

Love, J"

 

It sucks going in circles about this whole thing. I wish I could wrap my mind around an explanation that I could actually believe - good or bad.

[thejabberwocky]

Here's the thing. If you text him or reach out for "closure", you will be just as miserable anyway. Closure isn't real. If you could have some kind of magical conversation that would fix everything and help you heal, everyone would be for you doing it.

 

But people are telling you not to contact him because it will make you feel WORSE, not better. The truth is that there is nothing either of you could say that will help this situation or give you any kind of closure. The only thing that will help is time.

[lillymae1010]

I guess I look at it differently.

 

I've been in previous relationships where I was the dumper and dumpee. On each occasion there was a conversation to end it, whether it was by phone or in person. No it wasn't ever pleasant but looking back I'm glad the conversations did happen. I believe it allowed me to learn a lot from those relationships that didn't work out.

 

 

The way this ended has left me more clueless than ever and made me question if anything about him was ever real, and now moving forward, I'm really doubting my ability to recognize what is in fact real about someone I care about.

 

 

Like I said I get the logic of moving on without a definite answer but the emotional part of my brain eats away at me morning and night. It sucks.

 

Thanks again..

 

.

[thejabberwocky]

But you already know why it didn't work out. He likes drugs better than he likes you. It sucks for sure, but you know everything you need to know. There isn't some big mystery that will be resolved and make you feel better.

[lillymae1010]

But I don't know at all.

 

He may very well be clean and just no longer interested nor have enough respect to even let me know. In which case I really need to reevaluate my ability to judge people's character.

 

On the other hand he might be struggling big time. His friend Sam said he once shut him out for 4 months at his lowest because he was ashamed. I know that I can't compete with Heroin - no one can. It's his first love and always will be...and I can empathize with that f* up thinking. But still... if I knew more information at least I could understand it better for myself and more importantly offer my support if he ever needs it not as a GF but as someone who cares.

 

Regardless I've accepted that we're not together. But it's like failing a test...it's helpful to know what you did wrong so things don't blow up in your face again.

 

Sorry man, everything you say really does make sense. I'm just stuck in this stupid grieving process and searching for some legitimate reasoning for it all. I really do appreciate your taking the time.

Edited September 17, 2015 by lillymae1010

[lgspot]

But I don't know at all.

 

He may very well be clean and just no longer interested nor have enough respect to even let me know. In which case I really need to reevaluate my ability to judge people's character.

 

On the other hand he might be struggling big time. His friend Sam said he once shut him out for 4 months at his lowest because he was ashamed. I know that I can't compete with Heroin - no one can. It's his first love and always will be...and I can empathize with that f* up thinking. But still... if I knew more information at least I could understand it better for myself and more importantly offer my support if he ever needs it not as a GF but as someone who cares.

 

Regardless I've accepted that we're not together. But it's like failing a test...it's helpful to know what you did wrong so things don't blow up in your face again.

 

Sorry man, everything you say really does make sense. I'm just stuck in this stupid grieving process and searching for some legitimate reasoning for it all. I really do appreciate your taking the time.

lily,

In my experience, when recovering addicts go silent---it is not a good sign.

Secondly, they will distance themselves from recovering friends/lovers, because those continuing in recovery tend to see through and spot relapse.

DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL.

Please continue in your own recovery. It sounds like you are doing well.

You might try a couple of Alanon meetings for a different perspective.

Does he attend any type Recovery meetings or groups?

Take care of yourself.

Blessings

Edited September 17, 2015 by lgspot

[lillymae1010]

lily,

In my experience, when recovering addicts go silent---it is not a good sign.

Secondly, they will distance themselves from recovering friends/lovers, because those continuing in recovery tend to see through and spot relapse.

DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL.

Please continue in your own recovery. It sounds like you are doing well.

You might try a couple of Alanon meetings for a different perspective.

Does he attend any type Recovery meetings or groups?

Take care of yourself.

Blessings

 

 

He had been pretty inconsistent about going to meetings since he went back east. Admittedly I haven't been great too so I can't say it infers automatic relapse.

 

Oh gosh. I really needed to hear those words of encouragement. I'm going to go to bed more peacefully tonight so thank you. I might try Alanon again, though the first time I felt odd being a recovering addict myself. It's definitely worth another shot.

 

Much love ~ L

[lgspot]

He had been pretty inconsistent about going to meetings since he went back east. Admittedly I haven't been great too so I can't say it infers automatic relapse.

 

Oh gosh. I really needed to hear those words of encouragement. I'm going to go to bed more peacefully tonight so thank you. I might try Alanon again, though the first time I felt odd being a recovering addict myself. It's definitely worth another shot.

 

Much love ~ L

When a recovering alcoholic/addict also attends Alanon, they call it a double winner. Getting the best of both recovery sides so to speak.

Hang in there and sleep well.