Being a Dumpee can be a Win-Win Situtaion

[Jaded15]

So let me start off by saying that I was the dumpee off a 1 year relationship with a girl that I had hopes of marrying one day. I'm 30 yrs old. I broke up with my ex 4 months ago. She broke up with me because she fell out of love. She blamed it on a lot of things such as work, law school, a few arguments we had, but looking back, these were all just excuses. I've come to the realization that she just fell out of love with me at that time. I went through a lot of what new dumpees here go through across all these forums; I cried, grieved, couldn't sleep, had trouble eating, was completely depressed, couldn't go out etc, etc. The first month and a half was just absolutely brutal. At the time, I thought I would feel like that forever, like there was no end in sight. I was on these boards every single day, multiple times a day for hours on end, reading what others were going through. My only thoughts were when was she going to call me back, and how long would it take. The transition of being in a serious relationship to being single again is always a difficult one in the beginning.

 

Fast forward to 4 months later, and I really couldn't be any better. I have completely changed in all ways. I'm happy being single again. I forgot what it was to feel like being happy and singe again. I've improved in many ways post-breakup. Lost weight, hit the gym routinely every day, became more social, joined several groups, started taking new hobbies I always wanted to like horseback riding and woodworking, reconnected with many of my friends, got back on track with my career, and even went on a few dates recently. All these things were made possible because of the breakup and I seriously doubt that I would've accomplished all or even half of this had I still been with her. Do I still think about her? Yes. Do I still have feelings for her? Yes. But these thoughts are just thoughts. I'm no longer emotionally hurt by these thoughts. They no longer dictate my mood. My mood no longer effects me and others around me like once before. They just come and go. I went NC since the initial day as hard as that was, blocked her from all Social Media and told all my mutual friends to NOT inform me on anything related to her. Honestly, time does heal all wounds. It is so true.

 

Another reason why I say this is a win-win for me is because of what I've now come to the realization of; Like I previously said, I still have feelings for this woman, and IF she were to ever come back in hopes to reconcile, (Although I would be highly skeptical), I would be very much open to it if her intentions were pure. At the same time, I've mentally approached it, like she never will come back. Currently, I hope to find someone better than her. I haven't found that special one just yet but I'm out there. So what I'm trying to say is if you truly let it go, and approach it as if they were to never come back, it's not that bad, after all. You have the odds of finding someone else, who possibly can be better than your ex which is my goal, and there's still always a slight chance you ex can still come back to reconcile. It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved because you truly do grow as a person.

[Jc396]

Thank you, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me about 2 weeks ago due to him being unhappy and me having self confidence issues. I have already accepted the breakup yet somehow in the back of my mind I'm still hoping he comes around to give us another shot or at least contacts me to show he still cares. I have been no contact with him for about a week after begging him to stay and pushing him further away.

 

It gives me hope that I can move forward as a better person to one day find someone better then my ex.

[Samuel_22]

I am going through the second month now almost 35 days have passed, I am still stuck in limbo, sometimes I feel good, I feel well, to hell with it, and then this sadness comes back and hunts me once again...I know it is pretty normal, I am just tired of it all...specially when I think how easy it was for her to dump me...funny I have just realized, she will never come back, when I analyze it, I see, well it was easy for her to leave, like she did not have any feelings from day 1....so why would she come back...I really hope I find someone better to move on too

[Jaded15]

Thank you, my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me about 2 weeks ago due to him being unhappy and me having self confidence issues. I have already accepted the breakup yet somehow in the back of my mind I'm still hoping he comes around to give us another shot or at least contacts me to show he still cares. I have been no contact with him for about a week after begging him to stay and pushing him further away.

 

It gives me hope that I can move forward as a better person to one day find someone better then my ex.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It's going to take time. There is no shortcut. Right now, try to take the advice and read some stories of what ppl here tell you. Like I said, I know how you're feeling right now. You prob think you will feel like this forever, as I did too. But you will get to the other side and be better. Just know that, I promise you.

 

I am going through the second month now almost 35 days have passed, I am still stuck in limbo, sometimes I feel good, I feel well, to hell with it, and then this sadness comes back and hunts me once again...I know it is pretty normal, I am just tired of it all...specially when I think how easy it was for her to dump me...funny I have just realized, she will never come back, when I analyze it, I see, well it was easy for her to leave, like she did not have any feelings from day 1....so why would she come back...I really hope I find someone better to move on too

 

 

That's normal. It's still very fresh for you. Always remain in NC mode. Take the advice others along with myself have given here and occupy yourself for self-improvement. I really can't stress how vital all this is in the healing process. Whether it's school, work, social, or any other miscellaneous things such as new hobbies. It will force you to occupy your mind on other things for short bursts at a time, but after awhile you naturally will progress into thinking less and less about them and instead on stuff you have going on. Create goals.

 

 

Like I said, it took me awhile but I found healing with time and doing all these things I mentioned in the original post. It was hard for me to mentally accept that fact that she was not coming back, but that's what I did. I still think there's a chance she does end up trying to come back because of what we had, and the reason for the breakup, but I killed that hope . I don't occupy any time thinking like that because it's just a waste of time and energy. Only in killing that hope do you heal, but you have to be honest with yourself. You have to believe it instead of saying it. For example, I had a few weddings and birthdays I went to during the 2nd month after the breakup. I told all my friends I was find and I was over her. I went to them but I closed myself from trying to talk to other girls. I wasn't trying. Ppl could see right through me, I wasn't happy even though I put on a fake smile. I was lying to myself. Compare that to two weeks ago when I went to another wedding and it was completely different. I was myself again, and socializing with other girls. I was happy again. I'm of the mindset that I want to find someone better and that's my goal right now. It doesn't mean that I never think about my ex, it just means that she's now become a thought instead of provoking an emotional feeling in me.

 

 

After awhile, there's nothing more for you to learn. This forum is heaven sent in the very beginning and I owe everything to it. However, there comes a point where you've gained YOUR knowledge, You know the stories, and you know the answers. It's right there in front of you. Let it go. It just comes down to you healing you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Jaded15

[sly_fly1]

Yes because once you leave a room the door may be locked when you try to get back in(dumper) also dumpers are blinded by feeling of hate.boredum or romance for another. All feelings wear off in time except real love. If someone leave true love. Then they ruined there own lives

[Blanco]

Good post. Sounds like you've taken the standard advice given in these situations and it's worked wonders. I'm a big believer that if people take these steps from Day 1, the recovery time will be much fast. I'm six months out from knowing it was really over, and I'm not as far as I would be had I just cut ties immediately.

 

But like you, I've done some things in this time that I almost certainly wouldn't have done were it not for this split. I still have my dark days, and my mind still often thinks of the situation, but I look back and realize I've made some great strides since the initial weeks and months, where nearly every day felt like I literally had a huge chunk of myself missing.