regdent Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 In the past, I used to get over rejections from girls/women by finding reasons to hate them. This strategy helped me get over them rather quickly. However, I got rejected by this girl a month ago after several dates, and I can't quite find a reason to dislike her. That is not to say she is perfect, but she had lots of qualities I look for in a girl. Perhaps I didn't get to know her well enough, but I was definitely smitten with her. I was really shocked when she told me she didn't feel the romantic connection. To make the matter worse, I feel like I am constantly reminded of the fact that she rejected me. I "**** where I eat" basically. I run into her occasionally. I see her friends often. Her presence can be felt everywhere! Yesterday I snapped; her new Facebook profile got me thinking, "She looks stunning in it, dammit!" Then, I saw her on a dating app, and I just couldn't take it. Had to change my setting to hide all of her posts. Deleted the app. I feel like she came into my life at an unknowingly vulnerable moment and then kinda messed me up. She is toxic to me. But I can't really hate her. She gave it several chances. My rejection from her was a wake up call to change some of my behavioral patterns. However, I am still in pain and finding it hard to let go of her quickly. Whenever I run into her, we try to act friendly, but I feel the burn deep down. I want to learn to let go of this girl without being bitter anymore. Help!
menyou Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Why not just use the fact that you feel "rejected" by her as your way to get over her? 3
scooby-philly Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 @menyou - if I could give you a double like on that comment! I agree - we all have our own strategies when it comes to coping and moving on. It seems from your post, and correct me if I misinterpreted it, that you old strategy failed this time. Perhaps this was the first real connection. Perhaps your intentions and vibes were true. But whatever the reason, yes the tendency in the past to find flaws and what not and focus on them isnt working. SO you've got to develop a plan b. Talk to a friend. Go over your parent's or sibling's house on the way home from work every other day and chat, find a friend and take walks or jogs -whatever you need. Not everything will work out and even when you feel something, they won't. I've had to learn how to respect myself more and find a woman who's really into me, who knows me, and isnt lonely, desperate, or a gold-digger and will be a true partner. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I have been dumped more times than I care to think about over the years, all from a variety of guys - from the Nice Guys to the Bad Boys and everything in between. Everything from text messages to emails to face to face to the phone, they find the way is all I can say. And I have had others say to me "Really? He left YOU? Well he really missed out because you're a good woman." And I believe that, I am not suffering from low self esteem. And I see the trash that they take up with. All I can say is that some deep down or some are obviously losers who do not deserve me. Same with you, not knowing you of course, but that's the only message you can give yourself. And I flux between being the animalistic Samantha Jones to being the good girl to being an ice maiden to being apathetic. It's nature. 1
Toodaloo Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Getting bitter and angry was your mistake. Your going to have to learn acceptance now. Sometimes there is no particular reason it just is. She is not toxic - she just doesn't fancy you. No reason in particular it just is as it is. What you do is you get up, quit faffing on facebook and cyber stalking her, get out and get busy. Do charity work, challenge yourself, learn a new skill or take up a sport you wanted to try, read those books you always put off for later etc. You just work your way through it until you accept it. Then you date again rather than bouncing around. No short cuts I am afraid.
preraph Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 You have to remember that rejection often has nearly zero to do with you. It has to do with what is in the person's head, who their ideal is. There are men and women alike who only fall for people with blue eyes or who only fall for people who are monied or people who are artists or musicians or sporty, or tall or thin or chunky and beefy. People all have their own set of requirements and just because you can't change them doesn't reflect on you. She may never fall for anyone until she meets someone who subconsciously reminds her of her Uncle John or is teasing like her big brother or, on the dark side, abusive and controlling like her father or overly critical like her mother. I mean, you literally have no control over what forms a person's preferences. You cannot take it as a hit to your psyche. It's often all about them. If you feel you behaved in a consistent acceptable manner, it's not about you. 1
BlueIris Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Realize that relationship MUST be mutual. Our own personal wishes and desires do not determine whether someone wants to be our S.O. or our friend. We all choose whether or not to attach to someone. So don’t attach to someone because of what you want or before there is mutuality. 2
Popsicle Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Poor guy. I really appreciate your refreshing attitude and am sorry for what you're going through. I think you're doing the right thing by not hating her but being smart and trying but to eliminate the extraneous reminders of her. It is an intregal step in getting over someone to have NC and lessen as much as possible the reminders of them. It will also help to reposition your mind towards other women when you're ready. And believe me, the time will come where you'll feel so lonely where you're in need of a new companion.
scooby-philly Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 You have to remember that rejection often has nearly zero to do with you. It has to do with what is in the person's head, who their ideal is. There are men and women alike who only fall for people with blue eyes or who only fall for people who are monied or people who are artists or musicians or sporty, or tall or thin or chunky and beefy. People all have their own set of requirements and just because you can't change them doesn't reflect on you. She may never fall for anyone until she meets someone who subconsciously reminds her of her Uncle John or is teasing like her big brother or, on the dark side, abusive and controlling like her father or overly critical like her mother. I mean, you literally have no control over what forms a person's preferences. You cannot take it as a hit to your psyche. It's often all about them. If you feel you behaved in a consistent acceptable manner, it's not about you. Great thought! I agree - relationships that last forever need to be based on mutuality. There could be a hundred things that caused the relationship to end. If you were yourself, if you gave it your best, just be yourself and move on. Initial attraction wears out. I'm glad my two serious relationships ended. I still get lonely from time to time, but I'd rather be lonely and afraid - I can talk about that and change those feelings, then be stuck in a relationship where we're not on the same page and she doesn't value me.
Maggie4 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm sure you've rejected women before. And you know there was nothing inherently wrong with them. As for being rejected, don't hate the women who rejected you, cos you end up carrying that feeling with you, although you may not know it. You do that enough times, it becomes part of your history and other women can smell it.
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