mavendark Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I'm just newly back onto the dating scene and I've been going out a lot with different guys, mostly first dates. So I'm wondering, is it very odd/common for people to ask about the other person's ex on a first date or even before the first date? Why would someone do that? For example, one guy I spoke to started talking to me about his ex and asked me about mine about a week after we started talking (over text). This was even before the first date. Another guy I just went on a date with asked me about my ex during the first date within 3 hours of meeting. They would ask stuff like, why I broke up with him, how long I was with him, or even whether my ex looked like them, etc. So I'm just wondering, should I even be answering these questions so early on? Should I avoid these questions? Does this happen often to any of your guys here?
MoreAmore Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 They would ask stuff like, why I broke up with him, how long I was with him, or even whether my ex looked like them, etc. So I'm just wondering, should I even be answering these questions so early on? Should I avoid these questions? Does this happen often to any of your guys here? The looked like thing is weird. It's not the time for a full explanation. Early on this is mainly to see if someone is still hung up on an ex, or see how they handle relationships/breakups. (If someone says ugly things about an ex, that's a huge red flag. If it's bad about all exes- it's a giant STOP sign. If you have ugly things, save it until later. Focus on the facts and what you learned early on.) 2
Jj66 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 If I am interested in possibly having a serious relationship with someone I do ask how long their last relationship lasted, how long ago it ended, why it ended, and whether they learned anything important from it. I don't ask specific questions about their ex. If we were just having fun that would be pretty irrelevant to me. IMO the whether I look like your ex question is weird. What am I going to ask next, who's the better kisser, who has the nicer car, etc? WTH would someone invite comparison to an ex? 3
TunaCat Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 why it ended. I'm starting to get back into the dating pool, and this point is interesting to me. I don't honestly know why my ex ended it as it was abrupt and out of the blue. So what would I say to my date if this question were to come up?
Jules Dash Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I generally don't ask about an ex until they ask about mine. I get the information I need from how she deals with me, not an ex. 1
Jj66 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm starting to get back into the dating pool, and this point is interesting to me. I don't honestly know why my ex ended it as it was abrupt and out of the blue. So what would I say to my date if this question were to come up? Just what you said here. It sounds genuine in writing, I'm sure it would in person. 1
oberkeat Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 By itself, I don't think asking about your previous relationships is out of bounds. Folks are just tryin' to get to know you and your story. I've been asked about my previous relationships (few as they are), and though I try not to live in the past, I don't mind talking about it. It sounds like that's a raw nerve for you, OP.
Maggie4 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 It's a conversation topic. You're not supposed to pour your heart out. Just treat it lightly and if possible, humorously.
JewelD Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I ask about the ex fairly early. I mean, wouldn't you want to know if they just broke up a week ago and you're a rebound? Or if they still live together or this person has feelings for them? If they did something bad that contributed to the breakup, they will probably lie about it, but sometimes you can tell when people are being dishonest. and when I'm asked, I like talking about the situation because I want that person to know how and why he fcked up so they understand what's not going to work with me.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Like others have said . . a few general Qs to ascertain that it's really over & you have healed is fine. I also need some reassure that my new date understood why the last relationship ended as opposed to being consumed by it. Beyond that I don't think it's appropriate conversation for the 1st date. It's really bizarre to talk about before the 1st meet. It's waaaayyyy to intimate / emotional to be discussed via text.
scooby-philly Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 So...I agree with the posters here. Before you go out on a date - there should be no questions....unless the person has an immediate red flag they need to clear - like your OLD profile saying "currently separated". On the first date - one question about your past is okay - "do you find yourself being the breaker/breakee" or something else light. It's about a gauge. Of course, if someone pours their heart out or shows sign of not being over someone or just a mess, that's a whole other story. by the second date two questions is okay - again keep it light. I think as someone said the issue really comes down to the 2-3 month mark when you move into exclusivity - both parties need to feel comfortable. I mean, I was engaged to a woman who I knew nothing about her past dating history - she, her family, her friends never said anything about it. Another woman I dated lied right up front...and even after she told me the truth, only told me part of it.
GTR King Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I don't normally ask about the ex early on... If the girl asks me then will tell her but not go on about it etc....
kendahke Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm just newly back onto the dating scene and I've been going out a lot with different guys, mostly first dates. So I'm wondering, is it very odd/common for people to ask about the other person's ex on a first date or even before the first date? Why would someone do that? For example, one guy I spoke to started talking to me about his ex and asked me about mine about a week after we started talking (over text). This was even before the first date. Another guy I just went on a date with asked me about my ex during the first date within 3 hours of meeting. They would ask stuff like, why I broke up with him, how long I was with him, or even whether my ex looked like them, etc. So I'm just wondering, should I even be answering these questions so early on? Should I avoid these questions? Does this happen often to any of your guys here? Not too very often do I find that happening. What I have had happen was one guy I was meeting for the first time went into this long litany about the pitiful women he seems to attract, what an abusive jerk his father was and more. I felt like handing him a bill for $165. I think it's tacky in the extreme to talk about your ex before you've even gone on a proper date. I really don't want to hear about anyone's ex--if they're bringing them up, that means they're not over them yet.
Author mavendark Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 I love knowing about previous relationships. Like others have said, I don't want to know specific details about your ex, but I do want to know some of the important details. You can learn a lot about a woman by how she talks about her ex. I understand that it could be a conversation topic, but would you really ask on the first date? haha It's definitely insightful to read all your responses! IMO the whether I look like your ex question is weird. What am I going to ask next, who's the better kisser, who has the nicer car, etc? WTH would someone invite comparison to an ex? Yes, isn't it weird?! I did get asked that question, on the first date!!
pteromom Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I understand that it could be a conversation topic, but would you really ask on the first date? Absolutely! I would want to know ASAP if my date wasn't over his ex and healed from any hurt from that relationship. Asking specific details about the ex is odd though. 1
Author mavendark Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Absolutely! I would want to know ASAP if my date wasn't over his ex and healed from any hurt from that relationship. Asking specific details about the ex is odd though. Well now I know...
madjac74 Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 First dates should be kept light and fun and being interrogated about your romantic past is not light and fun. Your dates are probably quickly trying to ascertain where other guys failed so they can be your knight in shining armor. I had a first date tell me she hadn't dated much and her last relationship was a woman. I really had no idea where to go with that and quickly changed the subject.
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