Bar Exam Killed My Relationship-Fixable?

[Lawyerdude27]

Hi:

 

I'm not into the whole "pity me thing" but I will describe enough of what happened so you know where I stand. I'm a highly career oriented person who had a great girlfriend to support him through 4 years of complete an utter non-stop stress. Finally, to top it all off I had the most stressful thing of all: the Bar Exam. Needless to say, I was a downright ****ty boyfriend due to time constraints and general stress. When the thing finally ended I kind of just expected things to go back to normal and found my girlfriend distant and passive aggressive when we did spend time together. This was all on top of me moving to a new city and us basically starting a mini-LDR (home every weekend though). Anyway I knew there would be issues and I had planned to propose to the girl in October but nope-I ended up finally asking what the hell was up and she says she doesn't love me anymore etc. that whole chestnut. The irony is my new job is incredibly non-stressful and I have lots of time and money now (we had a fight over money she apparently took harder than I thought).

 

Anyway it's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from her. I sent her one "I love you and we can get through this etc. etc." text the day of but no response (of course). I had told her I wasn't going to have sex with anyone for at least a month because I didn't want things to be ruined over a bump in the road and that I wanted to talk to her after some time apart. She says she is still attracted to me physically but that I hurt her over the summer and she doesn't want to move from the area and I may need to.

 

So what should I do? I had planned to be very casual about the whole thing and basically give her 4-6 weeks alone and then see if she wanted to do brunch or something. Basically I had planned just to try to start the relationship from scratch as if she was a new girl I was dating. The alternate route is just to go for broke and propose but I think she'll take that as desperate. At the very least I feel like she should know I had planned to propose before the whole thing went to ****. I'm past the sadness stage but now I want to know if I can fix this or if I should just move on. I think a 4 1/2 year relationship shouldn't end without a little effort to fix things, especially when there was a very good reason for our problems (the bar exam). Anyway any advice is vastly appreciated. Sorry for the long text.

[warshaw]

I had told her I wasn't going to have sex with anyone for at least a month

 

If this is your way of trying to reassure her I can see why she's not very happy with you.

[GorillaTheater]

I barely saw my wife for the two-or-so months I spent studying for the Bar. It was f*cking miserable on everyone.

 

But she dealt. This woman didn't. She gave you a pretty good idea of where she stands when things get a little hard.

 

Move on. And I hope you get great news in November.

[Lawyerdude27]

If this is your way of trying to reassure her I can see why she's not very happy with you.

 

I said "date" in reality. But thank you for your arcane wisdom.

[warshaw]

I said "date" in reality. But thank you for your arcane wisdom.

 

What are you talking about?

 

You clearly wrote that you said you wouldn't have sex with anyone else for a month.

 

If you're trying to put your best foot forward, and present reasons to a dumper partner as to why they should reconsider leaving you, saying you'll wait a month to screw someone else isn't going to work well for you.

[Lawyerdude27]

I barely saw my wife for the two-or-so months I spent studying for the Bar. It was f*cking miserable on everyone.

 

But she dealt. This woman didn't. She gave you a pretty good idea of where she stands when things get a little hard.

 

Move on. And I hope you get great news in November.

 

Yeah man. I would feel the same way but this girl stuck through 3 years of law school and one year where I was about as big of a loser as you can be. Part of the problem is she is a school teacher and so she had 100% time off and I had like 3% time off. I'll know October 30, I can honestly say I'm fairly positive I passed at least

[CarrieT]

How old are you guys?

[GorillaTheater]

I said "date" in reality. But thank you for your arcane wisdom.

 

Warshaw has a point. The time limit thing was a little strange.

 

Not that it matters in this case.

[warshaw]

Warshaw has a point. The time limit thing was a little strange.

 

Not that it matters in this case.

 

It's a thinly disguised ultimatum.

 

She comes back or he gets it somewhere else.

 

Not the way to handle things, and it gives insight as to why she may have split in the first place.

[Lawyerdude27]

It's a thinly disguised ultimatum.

 

She comes back or he gets it somewhere else.

 

Not the way to handle things, and it gives insight as to why she may have split in the first place.

 

Jeeesus christ. I'll edit that out. Talk about focusing on one tree in the forest. That **** has very little to do with anything.

[pidgeon1010]

How are you going to handle other life stressors that come your way? The months spent studying for the bar are incredibly stressful but it is no excuse for treating a significant other poorly. You f**ked up.

 

Anyways, give her some space to process things and maybe your relationship can be salvaged if you both genuinely love and care for each other. I guess you can reach out after some time has passed or just let it be and see if she reaches out (doubt you are going to go for that option). Studying for the bar is only a few months (although it feels like eternity!) so what could you have done to make things so bad? Could there be other underlying issues you are ignoring?

[warshaw]

Jeeesus christ. I'll edit that out. Talk about focusing on one tree in the forest. That **** has very little to do with anything.

 

I disagree. Just imagine what she felt when she heard that she's got a time limit to decide what she wants to do. You seem to be very defensive and argumentative, as well as short tempered, and you said yourself you're in a good place right now, so what's going on with that?

 

As far as what you should do..

 

Taking into consideration that she broke it off with you and has been no contact for 3 weeks, there are standard strategies that apply.

 

You certainly do not want to go for broke and propose.

 

You need to consider her feelings, as difficult as that may be. She does not want to be with you so proposing to her is dismissing all of her feelings and saying "The heck with the breakup and your concerns about the relationship, let's spend the rest of our lives together".

 

You need to put yourself in her position and try to understand how she feels.

 

Once you do, you'll understand why what you need to do is very simple.

 

Leave her alone and do not communicate with her unless she reaches out to you.

 

If she doesn't, after whatever amount of time has passed that has convinced you she's gone, you can start thinking about putting yourself back out there in the dating world and moving on.

 

But this is not something you need to share with her.

[Lawyerdude27]

How are you going to handle other life stressors that come your way? The months spent studying for the bar are incredibly stressful but it is no excuse for treating a significant other poorly. You f**ked up.

 

Anyways, give her some space to process things and maybe your relationship can be salvaged if you both genuinely love and care for each other. I guess you can reach out after some time has passed or just let it be and see if she reaches out (doubt you are going to go for that option). Studying for the bar is only a few months (although it feels like eternity!) so what could you have done to make things so bad? Could there be other underlying issues you are ignoring?

 

There are a few. One is that she moved into a new apartment for the first time ever with her single and generally miserable sister who greatly desires her to be single. Second is that she has a fundamental interest in staying in the area and I am willing to go wherever the best career opportunities are. But at the end of the day she tells me she started to feel this way in "May" which corresponds exactly to the bar exam. In all fairness, she also treated my like total **** most of July and August so we're not all saints here.

 

I don't play the pining boyfriend role well I guess. But I'm willing to make a grand gesture if that helps.

[Lawyerdude27]

I disagree. Just imagine what she felt when she heard that she's got a time limit to decide what she wants to do. You seem to be very defensive and argumentative, as well as short tempered, and you said yourself you're in a good place right now, so what's going on with that?

 

As far as what you should do..

 

Taking into consideration that she broke it off with you and has been no contact for 3 weeks, there are standard strategies that apply.

 

You certainly do not want to go for broke and propose.

 

You need to consider her feelings, as difficult as that may be. She does not want to be with you so proposing to her is dismissing all of her feelings and saying "The heck with the breakup and your concerns about the relationship, let's spend the rest of our lives together".

 

You need to put yourself in her position and try to understand how she feels.

 

Once you do, you'll understand why what you need to do is very simple.

 

Leave her alone and do not communicate with her unless she reaches out to you.

 

If she doesn't, after whatever amount of time has passed that has convinced you she's gone, you can start thinking about putting yourself back out there in the dating world and moving on.

 

But this is not something you need to share with her.

 

I just think she should know I'm not going to just wait around forever but I also value what we have. I appreciate your thoughts I just think you are overemphasizing something that wasn't that big of a deal (but how are you supposed to know). That said I wish I hadn't mentioned the whole time limit thing. I just basically wanted her to know I valued the relationship enough to not just run out and rebound right away because once that happens this thing becomes unfixable in my mind. That's all I wanted to convey. Perhaps inarticulate but I was upset.

Edited September 15, 2015 by Lawyerdude27

[warshaw]

I just think she should know I'm not going to just wait around forever.

 

She does NOT need to know that you won't sit around and wait forever. You're making it about YOU, when, if you want her to reconsider, you need to make it about HER.

 

I appreciate your thoughts I just think you are overemphasizing something that wasn't that big of a deal

 

It sure is a big deal, it says a lot about how you approach the relationship and deal with the stress of a breakup. I'm trying to make you aware of the difference between making it about your needs versus her needs. In a healthy balanced relationship, it's obviously going to be about 50/50, but when a relationship is tanking, and one partner is halfway out the door, or all the way out the door, you need some serious self introspection and determine where you screwed up.

 

This is not the time to make her know that you won't "wait around". It's the time to give her what she wants, and she wants space, and by giving her space -unconditionally-, you are finally addressing her needs and thinking about her and not yourself.

 

I just basically wanted her to know I valued the relationship enough

 

It's not about what YOU want or what YOU value.

 

Perhaps inarticulate but I was upset.

 

Don't excuse or apologize for your actions. But do realize that at this end stage you don't get too many opportunities to give her pause to reconsider her decision to leave you.

 

Saying "I messed up but I was upset" is all well and good but it gets you no closer to your goal which is to get your woman back.

 

You're a very emotional, impulsive and reactive sort of guy, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's got potential to cause you problems in your relationships, not only this one but any others that you might have going forward.

 

You gotta learn to chill out and make more of an effort to understand what the other person needs and wants, and figure out how to give it to her, because if she's satisfied and happy, she'll want the same for you.

[Lawyerdude27]

She does NOT need to know that you won't sit around and wait forever. You're making it about YOU, when, if you want her to reconsider, you need to make it about HER.

 

 

 

It sure is a big deal, it says a lot about how you approach the relationship and deal with the stress of a breakup. I'm trying to make you aware of the difference between making it about your needs versus her needs. In a healthy balanced relationship, it's obviously going to be about 50/50, but when a relationship is tanking, and one partner is halfway out the door, or all the way out the door, you need some serious self introspection and determine where you screwed up.

 

This is not the time to make her know that you won't "wait around". It's the time to give her what she wants, and she wants space, and by giving her space -unconditionally-, you are finally addressing her needs and thinking about her and not yourself.

 

 

 

It's not about what YOU want or what YOU value.

 

 

 

Don't excuse or apologize for your actions. But do realize that at this end stage you don't get too many opportunities to give her pause to reconsider her decision to leave you.

 

Saying "I messed up but I was upset" is all well and good but it gets you no closer to your goal which is to get your woman back.

 

You're a very emotional, impulsive and reactive sort of guy, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's got potential to cause you problems in your relationships, not only this one but any others that you might have going forward.

 

You gotta learn to chill out and make more of an effort to understand what the other person needs and wants, and figure out how to give it to her, because if she's satisfied and happy, she'll want the same for you.

 

So what do I do then? Personally, I just think she wants some space and when things are settled we can rebuild. If not, I can live with it but I want to take a shot here. I'm not perfect, neither is she but 4.5 years is too long to bail without trying to fix it when nobody has cheated, the physical attraction is still there, and nobody has said anything completely terrible. That said that's her call not mine. But unlike most relationships she ended it because she thinks I don't care about her, which I think flips the script at least a bit on the whole "don't contact her ever" script because the thing ended because I didn't contact her. Need to show her I care without looking like I'm trying to force her into loving me or some creepy **** like that you know?

[warshaw]

So what do I do then?

 

Already answered in a previous post. Give her space, do not contct her, if she reaches out to you, then great, take the opportunity to show her that you care and make it about HER not about YOU.

 

If you don't hear from her after whatever amount of time you deem to be sufficient, then move on with your life and start dating again. I'd give it, say 3 months.

 

Personally, I just think she wants some space and when things are settled we can rebuild.

 

Speculate all you want but don't act based on what you think she's thinking.

 

4.5 years is too long to bail without trying to fix it when nobody has cheated, the physical attraction is still there, and nobody has said anything completely terrible.

 

That's not your call.

 

 

That said that's her call not mine.

 

Right. Then why did you say it?

 

 

But unlike most relationships she ended it because she thinks I don't care about her, which I think flips the script at least a bit on the whole "don't contact her ever" script because the thing ended because I didn't contact her.

 

Dumpees say that all the time. "They broke up with me because they think I don't care so if I go no contact they won't know I really do care!"

 

Sometimes with the addendum "And I've completely changed my ways (in the 3 weeks since the breakup) but how will they know I am this entirely new lovable person if I don't contact them to show them?!"

 

Need to show her I care without looking like I'm trying to force her into loving me or some creepy **** like that you know?

 

No, I don't know. She asked for space, freaking give her what she wants. Disrespecting her by ignoring that one request will make it plainly obvious how much you do NOT care.

[pidgeon1010]

Well you've told her you want to fix things so all you can do is give her space. I wouldn't make any grand romantic gesture - they seldom work in real life, especially not in your case where her feelings for you are up in the air and sounds like she checked out before this whole bar exam hoopla - that may have been the icing on the cake.

 

You two have issues you need to resolve before the relationship can move forward. I would give her space (at least a month) and if you don't hear from her, make one last effort at contact. My advice would be to wait until you hear from her and move on if she doesn't, but sounds like you are set on reaching out first if you don't hear from her.

[RoseVille]

How are you going to handle other life stressors that come your way?

 

The very same could be said about her.

 

Having been in both their shoes, I'd say she didn't handle it well. I agree with GT.

[CarrieT]

Second request: OP how old are you and your GF?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm past the sadness stage but now I want to know if I can fix this or if I should just move on.

 

My advice is similar, I'd say give it a break,

It's out of your hands, even if you can't really relate,

As for not moving on, that's entirely your choice,

But don't make this decision based on this forums imaginary voice.

 

Announcing your celibacy like it's some kind of consolation prize,

Probably not the best line ever said, may of even lead to the reconciliation demise.

Moving past that, however, the only choice you have that I can see,

Is to move forward with your life and career as stoic as you can be.

 

In due time, if her feelings are there,

She'll grow to miss you again, and then you can share,

How much you have missed her, how you can't do without,

But not before then, because it's not what she's about.

 

Accept the reality that this is the true end,

That you may never get her back, that you never start again.

The choice of "Should you move on" or "Should you fix this relationship?" is your task,

Do what you want to do, it's yourself that you should ask!

 

But should you pursue her, be aware of the risk that you take,

being told by her your shortcomings, and the feelings for her you no longer make,

Do not hold this against her, you can't, she told you the truth about May,

It's YOUR decision to chase after her, it's your job to woo her some way.

[Els]

(we had a fight over money she apparently took harder than I thought)

 

I'm not sure if it's just your lack of time during the bar exam that caused the rift. What was this argument like, did you say some hurtful things to her? Did you apologize later? Were there many other arguments as well during that time period, and did the stress affect your temper?

 

It's easy to say that a partner should 'stick by your side' during tough times, but that also depends on how you handle those tough times. If you're just not around a lot but are generally a good, caring and considerate partner during the few moments that you are around, then that should be fine with most reasonable people. If you are lashing out at your ex/gf the same way you did with another poster here who tried to help you, then perhaps you carry part of the blame as well.

[mightycpa]

Hi:

 

I'm not into the whole "pity me thing" but I will describe enough of what happened so you know where I stand. I'm a highly career oriented person who had a great girlfriend to support him through 4 years of complete an utter non-stop stress. Finally, to top it all off I had the most stressful thing of all: the Bar Exam.

Ha! Maybe in California.

Needless to say, I was a downright ****ty boyfriend due to time constraints and general stress. When the thing finally ended I kind of just expected things to go back to normal and found my girlfriend distant and passive aggressive when we did spend time together. This was all on top of me moving to a new city and us basically starting a mini-LDR (home every weekend though). Anyway I knew there would be issues and I had planned to propose to the girl in October but nope-I ended up finally asking what the hell was up and she says she doesn't love me anymore etc. that whole chestnut. The irony is my new job is incredibly non-stressful and I have lots of time and money now (we had a fight over money she apparently took harder than I thought).

 

Anyway it's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from her. I sent her one "I love you and we can get through this etc. etc." text the day of but no response (of course). I had told her I wasn't going to have sex with anyone for at least a month because I didn't want things to be ruined over a bump in the road and that I wanted to talk to her after some time apart. She says she is still attracted to me physically but that I hurt her over the summer and she doesn't want to move from the area and I may need to.

 

So what should I do? I had planned to be very casual about the whole thing and basically give her 4-6 weeks alone and then see if she wanted to do brunch or something. Basically I had planned just to try to start the relationship from scratch as if she was a new girl I was dating. The alternate route is just to go for broke and propose but I think she'll take that as desperate. At the very least I feel like she should know I had planned to propose before the whole thing went to ****.

Here it comes:

I'm past the sadness stage but now I want to know if I can fix this or if I should just move on.

Response to the bolded part: why bother? Past the sadness stage? That would make you by default, happy, or at least content. Why **** that up? Here's your answer:

I think a 4 1/2 year relationship shouldn't end without a little effort to fix things, especially when there was a very good reason for our problems (the bar exam). Anyway any advice is vastly appreciated. Sorry for the long text.

Not much of a reason, is it? You're past the sadness stage in about 3 weeks, and you still want to give it the ol' college try... Well, let help you counselor:

 

Turn around and keep moving. Don't look back. If you're ok with things the way they are after only 3 weeks, then trust me, you don't want back in for any reason. Right about now, you should be pulling out your hair with grief... ask yourself why you aren't, and if you know how to tell yourself the truth, then I figure you should be banging somebody new within a couple of weeks in good conscience.

[SoleMate]

You moved mighty quick from "ready to propose marriage" to "I'll delay 3rd party sex for 4 weeks free of charge". And then after 3 weeks you're pretty much over it all. It seems you were less attached to her than, say, a typical f*ckbuddy. Nothing to fix here IMO....move on. Recovery should be complete in less than 2 weeks and I'm convinced you will both have dodged a bullet.

[avintagegirl]

You had me understanding you until this:

 

I just think she should know I'm not going to just wait around forever .

 

And then there was this:

 

I'm not perfect, neither is she but 4.5 years is too long to bail without trying to fix it when nobody has cheated, the physical attraction is still there, and nobody has said anything completely terrible.

 

Based on that I think you seriously need to re-evaluate how much you really want from this relationship. I see students go through law school every day. I see their stress levels. I get where you are coming from, I do. So you were crappy to her and then you were both mutually crappy to each other, I get that too.

 

Here is the thing though, and I am going to be very frank with you, let's say you give her space and you contact her again, what will you say? That you spent too long in the relationship to not have it work? If I were her that is the last thing I would want to hear. I dont want to hear the man I have spent the last 4.5 years with say that the time he put in to this was worth more than walking away. You are totally missing the boat here and I will explain why.

 

In all of your posts in the last two pages not once have you mentioned how much you love this woman. You said that you sent one I love you text. Big effing woop. Do you love her, and think before you answer that. Think about HER, what she means to you, not all this stuff that has been going on. Where does her thoughts, feelings, emotions and passions rate with you? What she brings to your life and her love needs to be enough for you to want to stay. Leave time and effort out of it. Anyone who is in a relationship that long wants to feel like that the other person stayed because they were worth it, not because it meant not having to start over with someone else.

 

I think both of you need time away from each other. If after a few months you see that you are really in love with this woman, then contact her. If you have any doubt, move on and give yourselves the leeway to fresh starts.