Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Hi I am really smitten with a current guy but we are not exclusive, he has never spoke of it, and he may be playing the field. I am not a snooper or inquisitive, intrusive. I was just now texted asked to go to an awards gala with a Doc I know because they allow a guest and he would like me to be that guest. It is not officially a date (is how I will view it). I am not a true believer for myself of multi dating, I tend to focus on one at a time, but am wondering since times have changed and people seem to be multi dating like crazy. All my past relationships were pretty exclusive since date 1! I feel guilty if I accept?!
mrldii Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Yup, yup...if you'd like to go to the event, go...as you, yourself, wrote: ...we are not exclusive... "Exclusive" means turning down invites from others. Feel guilty? Why? Would you move your items into his home to "act like" you're living together, when you're not? Would you deposit all of your money into his checking account to "act like" you're married, when you're not? Why - on earth - would you NOT accept invitations for dates/outings with other men, and "act like" you're exclusive, when you're not? Best of luck to you, OP... 1
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 You are right. But, for me I feel wrong with it. I have to get used to multi dating especially when my feelings are with another.
mrldii Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 You are right. But, for me I feel wrong with it. I have to get used to multi dating especially when my feelings are with another. The *only* danger in this, is over-investing way too much way too soon into a relationship that doesn't warrant it, and ending up, alone, with a broken heart, alone because the other person was simply casually dating around TO find The One that he, also, developed feelings for. That's a *small* gamble I'm not willing to take...which is why, personally, I multi-date until mutual exclusivity is where the relationship is. 3
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I am not a true believer for myself of multi dating, I tend to focus on one at a time, but am wondering since times have changed and people seem to be multi dating like crazy. All my past relationships were pretty exclusive since date 1! I feel guilty if I accept?! Times are changing and your situation warrants that you do not commit yourself to the fellow in question. I have personally multidated, it usually takes me more than one date to determine if a girl is right for me. It's just not practical from a time point of view to lock yourself down with one person especially if they are unwilling to be exclusive.
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Times are changing and your situation warrants that you do not commit yourself to the fellow in question. I have personally multidated, it usually takes me more than one date to determine if a girl is right for me. It's just not practical from a time point of view to lock yourself down with one person especially if they are unwilling to be exclusive. True Warsaw. It is not that they are unwilling but we are very early in the dating process and they have not asked so I will go if I feel right about it. I will think about it for a couple days.
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 True Warsaw. It is not that they are unwilling but we are very early in the dating process and they have not asked so I will go if I feel right about it. I will think about it for a couple days. Why not mention that you received a platonic invite from a male friend to attend a wedding?
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Why not mention that you received a platonic invite from a male friend to attend a wedding? Mention to who? The guy I am dating? Wouldn't that be manipulating?
PaperCrane Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Not really. He could be the type of guy I am, where I interpret " we're dating " as being exclusive. Go have the talk if he's a guy you'd like to be exclusive with. 1
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Mention to who? The guy I am dating? Wouldn't that be manipulating? Depends on how it's worded. If you're putting it out there to extract an exclusive commitment, then yes. But if you're putting it out there to alleviate your own guilt, and get some feedback as to whether or not it bothers him, than no. Maybe don't go out of your way to mention it, but if it comes up, such as he asks you out on that day, you could say "sorry Id love too but I was invited to a wedding". If he presses for more information, provide as little or as much as you like. You could go as far as to say yes I'm going with a male friend.. if he's bothered by it, he might states his concerns and that could lead to a talk on exclusivity. But if he's seeing others as you suspect, then really you have no reason to feel guilty, and you need to figure out ways to loosen up your way of thinking in regard to multi-dating. Otherwise just go on the other wedding date, enjoy yourself and continue on and see how things go. No need to get all bothered by it, there are definitely worse problems to have than being asked out by two guys. 1
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Not really. He could be the type of guy I am, where I interpret " we're dating " as being exclusive. Go have the talk if he's a guy you'd like to be exclusive with. He said the other day, he was happy (he has been dating for awhile) that it has been a long time since he has had a lover. I am assuming the last was on and off again 3 year or so girlfriend. He also said he wants to (although we cannot turn off the intense chemistry and sex) he said we got ahead of ourselves with the sex and we need to work on the other and let it evolve. As a guy, Paper crane do you think he expects our dating as being exclusive without the discussion? I feel because I have been speaking to him that I will not allow myself to be in any fb situation. He was the one to let me know twice he wanted to become emotionally close along with the sex. I feel that bringing this up now would seem like manipulation. I do not want to seem pushy and let it naturally evolve. Confused and I hate to be confused:(
katiegrl Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) He said the other day, he was happy (he has been dating for awhile) that it has been a long time since he has had a lover. I am assuming the last was on and off again 3 year or so girlfriend. He also said he wants to (although we cannot turn off the intense chemistry and sex) he said we got ahead of ourselves with the sex and we need to work on the other and let it evolve. As a guy, Paper crane do you think he expects our dating as being exclusive without the discussion? I feel because I have been speaking to him that I will not allow myself to be in any fb situation. He was the one to let me know twice he wanted to become emotionally close along with the sex. I feel that bringing this up now would seem like manipulation. I do not want to seem pushy and let it naturally evolve. Confused and I hate to be confused:( Celeste, you seem like a really nice woman. I am familiar with all your other threads so I implore you - dump the guy you are currently dating (or whatever you're doing with him)... he's an abusive manipulating sociopath. And start dating other guys including this new doctor. Please!!! Edit - it's interesting that you can recognize when YOU are possibly manipulating someone....but cannot recognize when someone (like your current) is manipulating you! Edited September 15, 2015 by katiegrl
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I am familiar with all your other threads so I implore you - dump the guy you are currently dating (or whatever you're doing with him)... he's an abusive manipulating sociopath. Well this certainly puts things in a different perspective.
katiegrl Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Well this certainly puts things in a different perspective. Yes it does.... her current guy is really quite scary....and many of us are very afraid for her if she continues. He's not right in the head....but she can't see it because she's too blinded by love, or infatuation or the intensity of the situation.
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He's not right in the head....but she can't see it because she's too blinded by love, or infatuation or the intensity of the situation. That seems to happen a lot. Sad. 1
kendahke Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Hi I am really smitten with a current guy but we are not exclusive, he has never spoke of it, and he may be playing the field. I am not a snooper or inquisitive, intrusive. I was just now texted asked to go to an awards gala with a Doc I know because they allow a guest and he would like me to be that guest. It is not officially a date (is how I will view it). I am not a true believer for myself of multi dating, I tend to focus on one at a time, but am wondering since times have changed and people seem to be multi dating like crazy. All my past relationships were pretty exclusive since date 1! I feel guilty if I accept?! Why? It's not a date and you're not exclusively dating anyone. It's a favor you're doing for your friend, nothing more. Get your hair done up, get a great gown and go meet some interesting people with whom you otherwise wouldn't cross paths.
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Why? It's not a date and you're not exclusively dating anyone. It's a favor you're doing for your friend, nothing more. Get your hair done up, get a great gown and go meet some interesting people with whom you otherwise wouldn't cross paths. He asked it as a date. We dated some years back.
kendahke Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He asked it as a date. We dated some years back. Is it a date to you or isn't it? What you did a few years back has nothing to do with attending this with him. Are you just going to this Gala, or are you also going for dinner, dancing plus this Gala? THAT would be a date. Going to the Gala is doing him a favor since he asked. I'd get that clear before doing anything.
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Celeste, you seem like a really nice woman. I am familiar with all your other threads so I implore you - dump the guy you are currently dating (or whatever you're doing with him)... he's an abusive manipulating sociopath. And start dating other guys including this new doctor. Please!!! Edit - it's interesting that you can recognize when YOU are possibly manipulating someone....but cannot recognize when someone (like your current) is manipulating you! Do you really believe he is a sociopath? I had thought maybe too, but then he started opening up a lot and I saw a different side. He wants to work on our emotional aspect aside from the sex. I have been tough on my stances and he has stuck by. The only thing though and I wasn't sure if it is because I am so new to dating is I do not feel right or well with it. I seem off balance and confused. Like now I feel like I need to distance myself from it all!!! Like a pull.
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Is it a date to you or isn't it? What you did a few years back has nothing to do with attending this with him. Are you just going to this Gala, or are you also going for dinner, dancing plus this Gala? THAT would be a date. Going to the Gala is doing him a favor since he asked. I'd get that clear before doing anything. It would be like a date. He has expressed he is very interested in starting a new relationship with me.
katiegrl Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) Do you really believe he is a sociopath? I had thought maybe too, but then he started opening up a lot and I saw a different side. He wants to work on our emotional aspect aside from the sex. I have been tough on my stances and he has stuck by. The only thing though and I wasn't sure if it is because I am so new to dating is I do not feel right or well with it. I seem off balance and confused. Like now I feel like I need to distance myself from it all!!! Like a pull. That is your gut (intuition) telling you that something is wrong....doesn't feel right. Don't ignore that little voice sweetie.... 9 x out of 10 it's right. Edited September 16, 2015 by katiegrl
mysteryscape Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 is how I look at it. Personally, I would let everyone know what you are doing -- seeing other people. What if the Doc is really interested in you? You would be leading him on if he doesn't know you're interested in someone else. At least let him know you are seeing someone else, soon. I've had a long-standing aversion to multi-dating, but I finally gave in and tried over the past year. With honesty (as above) it doesn't seem so obnoxious, but I've also found it turns out to be mostly a waste of time (and money).
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Hi I decided to be proactive and write an email and asked in a nice way and I believe it gave me clarity that 'he is just not that into you,' which is bad but good in that I do not need to waste my value and valuable time on a faux relationship. He wrote: I think you should go, because this is how I see it for better or worse. I can only sleep with one person at a time, so that is what it is, and I expect the same respect from you. I have no crystal ball for relationships but we seem to struggle, do we invest the time to fix that.......unsure. This is all he wrote and I nicely wrote back...I had to clarify to him that I think it meant, that he thinks I should go because he is unsure if he wishes to invest the time on me to fix it. He did not follow up at all!
Author Celeste.Carol Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Well I did it and wrote an email and let him go. I value myself and my time too much for this. Thanks for all the advice. I did it nicely but cool as ice so as he will not contact. He wasn't into to it so maybe he is relieved. On with life!
Recommended Posts