notmakingsense Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 I already know I should be strong, but I've been having some extremely vivid dreams with her in them, and I'm waking up sad and depressed - so I'm just ranting here a bit to feel better. Sorry to those who have read my story several times.... just go on to the next thread... Two weeks ago, I wrote her a note telling her that its time to shyt or get off the pot, that her unwillingness to commit after 1.5 years was driving me nuts, and that if she couldn't help us move forward, well -- its time to move on. Her response? Well -- there wasn't any. And -- she also blocked my IM account! Then -- about a week ago, I broke a short NC and started pestering her with voice-mails to simply call and tell me if she's Ok -- and if she didn't want to talk, then to tell me that also. She finally called and left me a voice-mail confirmming that she didn't want to talk, and that she needs time to "process." So... here I am. We haven't broken up, but we haven't spoken to eachother either. We both know all the reasons we might not work out (which are trivial IMHO), but we also know all the reasons why we would. I don't know what this "processing" is all about. I mean, do people really need that much time of NC to figure it out in their heads? Or is this just being too wimpy to just tell the other person that its over? Does a non-comiittal person need to go play the field a little while to figure out if I stack up to the competition (there's my jealousness creeping in) -- or are they really spending time with themselves? Note that she's a gorgeous woman with plenty of men going after her all the time -- she could instantly be with another man if she wants. Anyway, back to my being weak about this..... Waking up after these dreams have caused me to *almost* call her/e-mail her, just to "say Hi" and tell her that I'm thinking of her, hoping she's Ok, and blah, blah, blah. Damn -- as I write this, I can see why that would be so pw'd of me..... But, are there counter arguments? She's used to being chased -- should I check in to let her know that I still want her? Should I "let her have it" for not contacting me and tell her that I'm "outta here"? Any purpose in that? What a mess I am. And.... *NO* single friends to go out partying with (or it happens rarely anyway -- I just gave away my age bracket!)..... so not alot of distractions. Just me, myself, and I to deal with this. Sigh.
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 NO Don't call to tell her you still want her, she knows. Don't chase her, she'll run faster. Don't check in to see if she's okay, if she wasn't you'd already know. Her lack of saying anything to you IMO IS telling you a lot.. know what I mean? Keep in mind that even if it's true that she can get another Guy just like that... he won't be you AND at some point in time she thought you were pretty damn special right!? Be kinder to yourself here My advice is to set a time limit for YOURSELF... IF you haven't heard any response from her by whatever time (within reason) you've decided upon, then assume she isn't as special and amazing as you thought she was and start your journey on getting over this. Good Luck
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense I already know I should be strong, but I've been having some extremely vivid dreams with her in them, and I'm waking up sad and depressed - so I'm just ranting here a bit to feel better. Sorry to those who have read my story several times.... just go on to the next thread... Two weeks ago, I wrote her a note telling her that its time to shyt or get off the pot, that her unwillingness to commit after 1.5 years was driving me nuts, and that if she couldn't help us move forward, well -- its time to move on. Her response? Well -- there wasn't any. And -- she also blocked my IM account! Then -- about a week ago, I broke a short NC and started pestering her with voice-mails to simply call and tell me if she's Ok -- and if she didn't want to talk, then to tell me that also. She finally called and left me a voice-mail confirmming that she didn't want to talk, and that she needs time to "process." So... here I am. We haven't broken up, but we haven't spoken to eachother either. We both know all the reasons we might not work out (which are trivial IMHO), but we also know all the reasons why we would. I don't know what this "processing" is all about. I mean, do people really need that much time of NC to figure it out in their heads? Or is this just being too wimpy to just tell the other person that its over? Does a non-comiittal person need to go play the field a little while to figure out if I stack up to the competition (there's my jealousness creeping in) -- or are they really spending time with themselves? Note that she's a gorgeous woman with plenty of men going after her all the time -- she could instantly be with another man if she wants. Anyway, back to my being weak about this..... Waking up after these dreams have caused me to *almost* call her/e-mail her, just to "say Hi" and tell her that I'm thinking of her, hoping she's Ok, and blah, blah, blah. Damn -- as I write this, I can see why that would be so pw'd of me..... But, are there counter arguments? She's used to being chased -- should I check in to let her know that I still want her? Should I "let her have it" for not contacting me and tell her that I'm "outta here"? Any purpose in that? What a mess I am. And.... *NO* single friends to go out partying with (or it happens rarely anyway -- I just gave away my age bracket!)..... so not alot of distractions. Just me, myself, and I to deal with this. Sigh. I just went through the same thing. If you chase her, she will run faster. Let her come to you. Stick with NC. I didn't and it cost me dearly. I probably HAVE lost my girl forever but you might still have a chance. However, if after 1.5 years she isn't ready to move forward, your mate is telling you the same thing mine was: "You're not the right guy for me right now..." I cry every day missing my Ex but I have to be strong. I did break NC today to leave her a HAPPY/CHEERY message. I had a reason to call her (a good one) and the message was spoken positively and as if I had not a care in the world. I don't know why I did it and I probably screwed up again... Don't be an idiot like me....
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Merin -- thanks for your response. Yep -- I can always remember that she chose *me* for for that year and a half, and if she continues to walk away from this -- she's the one who is losing out! The time-limit? I don't know -- what is reasonable? A week, two weeks? For someone who has been in your life so long, even that much seems out of line. And yes, her silence says alot. Alot about how unimportant I apparently am to her..... ConfusedInOC -- I was thinking of doing exactly that -- leaving a happy/cheery message. I just got an excuse -- I ran into a really good friend of hers..... but -- I'm not going to do it yet. I'll try to learn from your lesson.... There have been temporary break-ups with her before. In each of them, I never did NC, but hounded her instead. I'm nearly convinced now that those incidents have made me weaker in her eyes. No, I take that back -- I know for sure I'm weaker in her eyes because she's practically told me so. One side of me says "stick with the NC" -- she knows how you feel (as Merin points out). The other side says -- "this is a test --will he continue to go after me when times get tough?". Well, you know what? Putting me to a test like that is total bullsh*t at this point. So.... sticking with NC for now. Thanks guys.
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Merin -- thanks for your response. Yep -- I can always remember that she chose *me* for for that year and a half, and if she continues to walk away from this -- she's the one who is losing out! The time-limit? I don't know -- what is reasonable? A week, two weeks? For someone who has been in your life so long, even that much seems out of line. Damn right she chose you! Cause you're a freakin rockstar like that! Don't let go of that thought ever okay?! Don't second guess IF you're good enough. She would be the one loosing out.. but yeah I understand that doesn't make you feel a lot better right now. While you're so right that a time limit of a week or two does seem out of line in giving time to a person who's been in your life for so long to decide what it is they want and let you know regardless of the answer.. somehow it seems more out of line to me that the person you've been with for so long has put you in a situation of not really knowing if it is you they still choose, and you they still Love and in limbo if they're going to be there for you... Hang in there
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Thanks Merin.... your posts help me a lot! While you're so right that a time limit of a week or two does seem out of line in giving time to a person who's been in your life for so long to decide what it is they want and let you know regardless of the answer.. somehow it seems more out of line to me that the person you've been with for so long has put you in a situation of not really knowing if it is you they still choose, and you they still Love and in limbo if they're going to be there for you... Damn -- you are so right. This is going back to the reasons why this relationship might never have been meant to be in the first place. She has a history of making me feel like I'm not on solid ground.... She's always been hot and cold, using her divorce as the reason... but you know what? I've given her enough time.... I'm done bending over backwards for this one.
YouGotServed Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by Merin While you're so right that a time limit of a week or two does seem out of line in giving time to a person who's been in your life for so long to decide what it is they want and let you know regardless of the answer.. somehow it seems more out of line to me that the person you've been with for so long has put you in a situation of not really knowing if it is you they still choose, and you they still Love and in limbo if they're going to be there for you... Hang in there Merin, do you think 2 months, 3 months of NC is too long and is all hope of communication lost? Curious about your opinion...
Merin Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Thanks Merin.... your posts help me a lot! Damn -- you are so right. This is going back to the reasons why this relationship might never have been meant to be in the first place. She has a history of making me feel like I'm not on solid ground.... She's always been hot and cold, using her divorce as the reason... but you know what? I've given her enough time.... I'm done bending over backwards for this one. Yay for you! You'll have your moments when things are hard (we all do) but a good step in the right direction today you know Originally posted by YouGotServed Merin, do you think 2 months, 3 months of NC is too long and is all hope of communication lost? Curious about your opinion... Honestly in NC it's IMO (and how I have to be) a time for the person to get on with the healing so to speak... I never recommend when a relationship has ended and the person who ended things made it pretty clear in what they say and DO that it's over in the other person proceeding as if the other person might change thier Mind... Put that out of your mind (I know it's hard) and look to making yourself okay and happy again... That way IF the other person (or ya know moron ha!) never see's that you're an amazing person and they screwed up you're still okay and happy... I am just happier with what I do know (when a relationship is over) then when I sit and wonder what if... I'm sure there are a lot of people who did NC for even longer than months and months and the other person came back around.. I guess the question then is.. do you still really want them...
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I guess the question then is.. do you still really want them... I was pondering this today. The answer is NO, but it doesn't make the pain of losing them any less. I mean, I am trying to find the magic dart that will make me realize how bad she was for me, how she really didn't care, how blind I was to it and how I should be THANKFUL that I'm no longer in a one-way relationship. I firmly believe that her letting me go was a mistake on her part that she may or may not regret later in life. Either way, she chose to sail a different sea and I can either sink or swim. I want to sink, but know that if I just paddle a little harder, I'll find shore soon.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Yeah -- but how do you get past the unbelievable HIGH that being with them in good-times gave you? The feeling that THIS IS THE ONE!!! The feeling that you'll not be able to get someone as good ever again. This is the *poison* that is affecting me and bringing me down. In one sense, she has raised the bar of whom I'm looking for. In another sense, I know more about what isn't good for me. Confused -- the term "one way relationship" describes what I think I had.... how sad for me that I didn't have enough self-esteem to protect myself from falling for her. I'm paying the price now.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense Yeah -- but how do you get past the unbelievable HIGH that being with them in good-times gave you? The feeling that THIS IS THE ONE!!! The feeling that you'll not be able to get someone as good ever again. That's exactly what I am going through right now. I thought she was the ONE for me, and technically, she was. I was just not the ONE for her.... I miss the high I had when I was with her. Nobody commanded my attention like she did. There could be a million other women in the room but the only one I'd see was her. I know what you're going through. I mean, I am in the exact same boat. I should have listened to myself when we first started dating that this woman was bad for me. I knew it then, I just had "love blinders" on and she didn't do much to stop leading me on. She shares some blame as well. This is the *poison* that is affecting me and bringing me down. In one sense, she has raised the bar of whom I'm looking for. In another sense, I know more about what isn't good for me. I think you should stick with the latter and not the former. Confused -- the term "one way relationship" describes what I think I had.... how sad for me that I didn't have enough self-esteem to protect myself from falling for her. I'm paying the price now. As am I. Not a day has gone by in the past week I haven't broken down crying. But I know that I have got to let the grieving go until I can't cry anymore then pick up the pieces and get on with my life. Your ex is doing the same as mine and moving on. I hold very little hope they will come back but if I keep contacting her I know for certain she never will. And I don't lack self esteem, I am just "crazy in love" with her and I am not ashamed of that. She just wasn't ready or willing to accept my love. She wants something I can't provide to her right now and the same with yours. I know I have to let mine go and you must do the same. Again, your destiny is not tied to someone who left you.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 As am I. Not a day has gone by in the past week I haven't broken down crying. But I know that I have got to let the grieving go until I can't cry anymore then pick up the pieces and get on with my life. Your ex is doing the same as mine and moving on. I hold very little hope they will come back but if I keep contacting her I know for certain she never will. And I don't lack self esteem, I am just "crazy in love" with her and I am not ashamed of that. She just wasn't ready or willing to accept my love. She wants something I can't provide to her right now and the same with yours. I know I have to let mine go and you must do the same. CIOC - I know how you feel.... it hurts when you think that they are moving on just fine. I also know what you mean about being "crazy in love". I guess what I meant by lack of self-esteem is that I'm told that folks with high self-esteem aren't easily blinded and never put much more into something unless they are seeing it being returned. In my case, I gave way more than her -- for all of those 1.5 years... and now that I'm not willing to? Guess what... she's a goner.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by notmakingsense CIOC - I know how you feel.... it hurts when you think that they are moving on just fine. I also know what you mean about being "crazy in love". I guess what I meant by lack of self-esteem is that I'm told that folks with high self-esteem aren't easily blinded and never put much more into something unless they are seeing it being returned. In my case, I gave way more than her -- for all of those 1.5 years... and now that I'm not willing to? Guess what... she's a goner. I gave a year and have nothing to show for it. Hey, it's like Wall Street. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I did the best I could, loved her like I thought I should and she still didn't want me. SO BE IT! I have to pick up the pieces and move on and so do you. Shut her out. Stop thinking about her. Get rid of all her contact info, IM addresses, emails and text stuff. Box up all the photos and trinkets. It's hard bro, believe me I know. It's more painful than NOT talking to them but the path of least resistance in this situation is not the RIGHT one.
dawn duval Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 sorry guys if I'm giving bad advice (I'm so worried about getting flamed), but the situation sounds similar to mine and I'm wondering if there's any chance it makes sense to give the girl more time -- mostly by backing off though. I've been divorced about 6 months, separated before that for 6 months. It took me pretty much until now to get over my marriage. Most of that time I was dating a guy who I loved and still love very much, but I broke up with him because I felt so bad being with him when I had so many unworked issues regarding my ex-marriage. I do want to be with him (not the ex-H, but the guy I was dating) but I'm not sure he wants that because I was such a wreck. So it took me about a year from the separation to recover from my past marriage and a year and a half (her situation) doesn't seem much longer. Speaking as a gal who would have liked her boyfriend to hold out until she felt more stable, maybe if you back off and give her the processing time she needs, maybe she'll come back? I guess that depends on things like whether she's actively trying to work through her issues and whether she's given indication that she would like to work thru them and be with you. Sounds like neither of those are necessarily true? She may be wallowing, it's hard to say, but if it helps to understand her perspective, lemme tell you, everywhere you go there's reminders to make you feel bad about being divorced -- f%^%ing Robbins Brothers commercials in particular. They made me cry almost every day for almost a year because they played every time I got in my car. And that's just scratching the surface. This probably isn't what you need to hear right now, and it might be best to move on because she might be acting selfish. I'm just saying.
dawn duval Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 oh yeah, and if I wasn't clear, I vote definitely NC with her. From my standpoint, it's not a test for you, and you shouldn't push harder, she probably desperately needs processing time. That's how I felt with my divorce, like it was crucial for my survival that I get my alone time, without pressure from any romantic interests. I think you'll ruin any chance you have if you start pressuring her now. Sorry, I really don't mean to sound like I'm sticking up for her -- I just relate to her based on a few things you said. But she's lucky to have a great guy like you that loves her.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Dawn -- thanks for your posts. Your statements echo things that I know to be true about her. She had been separated from her husband about a year before we met, so she's nearing the 2.5 year mark regarding her divorce. That said, she is *still* going through the legal stuff with him. He's a bastard that cheated on her and who is now trying to keep every last cent from getting near her bank account. The divorce definitely took a major emotional toll on her, and for the entire duration of our relationship, things were hot and cold. When she felt herself getting close to me -- she freaked out and withdrew. This, in turn, brought out my insecurities, and I'd try for her even harder. She's kept me at arms length because of the commitment issues, but there is more to it --- we have other differences. The bummer of it is -- is that we've never gotten close enough to really sit down and talk/work-through those differences -- which (IMHO) is all easy stuff. She has given me indications that things are very workable -- but then she withdraws, and I'm left feeling that maybe she doesn't believe her own statements. The difference between when we first started going out and now, is that I'm more frustrated -- and I'm starting to put my foot down. I'm asking for her commitment or for at least a statement that it won't work out. Right now, I'm getting neither. Just silence. Anyway -- I'm sticking to NC. It is so hard. I'm litterally dreaming about her non-stop now, and I wake up depressed -- before my day even starts. How pathetic.
queenie01 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 I am just wondering how you know for a fact that they are moving on with their lives... Its possible that they are just as miserable as you? I think its very tricky especially if your significant other breaks up with you for no reason?? Do you really know they arent confused and will realize they made a mistake? I dont think anyone knows but i think NC is the only way they will learn to really and truly miss you... I have been doing NC for 10 days now and still nothing : ( yeah it sucks but what else can i do... I know I was an awesome gf and if my ex couldnt appreciate it because he felt somethign was missing then so be it.
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Queenie -- I guess I don't know if she's moving on or not. I have to believe that I wouldn't have gotten smitten by someone who is so uncaring that she's not even thinking about me! If I let my mind go there, it makes all of this even more painful. I'm inclined to believe that since she hasn't officially broken up with me that she at least cares enough about me to be worried about hurting my feelings. That's better than nothing I guess. Did your bf tell you that it was over? Or is this like my situation -- where all you are getting is silence?
queenie01 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 He told me things werent working out and it was completely out of the blue, i was and am devastated. We have had no contact for 10 days now and we work at the same company and run into each other sometimes, whnever he sees me he looks down...it makes me so sad, because we were best buddies the day before we broke up and he just freaked out..he said he was having feelings of doubt etc...that "somethng was missing" He emailed me once and texted me once since we have broken up but that was 2 weeks ago and then i emailed him 10 days ago only to hear that he needs more time to know if he will be happier. Basically i have given up..i am not contacting him anymore for any reason. He knows how to get ahold of me if he wants to... Sad part is that he still has my stuff at his house and he mentioned 2 weeks ago that he would keep it and we can get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel. At this point of being ignored for 2 weeks i dont know that talking is even necessary but at the same time i dont know whats going thru his mind. He said time apart will let us know if we are meant to be...
Author notmakingsense Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 That totally sucks -- but one small amount of good news for you is that at least you have a statement from him that things aren't working out. In my case, she won't even tell me where I stand. NC for you is clearly the way to go -- you have to think of yourself. He's obviously thinking of himself. But -- rarely do things happen "out of the blue." Isn't there something that might have triggered his need to back off? He might just be a commitment phobic person who started to feel trapped by a relationship. He's right about one thing.... time apart will help with figuring out what is right for you. The more time apart I spend from my gf, the more I realize I'm right by maintaining NC and thinking more about myself for a change.
queenie01 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 All i really know is he was having feelings of doubt regarding us or maybe me...he didnt get too detailed. We used to workout together everyday at 11 and when we broke he started going at 12... weird thing is we havent had any contact in 10 days and today he was there at 11...lucky me! As if i want to see him and not talk to him, i dont know what his motives were for that?? Its so hard because i miss him so much and have no idea whether or not he misses me or whats going thru his head... but as he keeps referencing "if its meant to be then him and i will end up back together, he has told me that numerous times since we broke up... maybe the time apart will make him realize what he had, maybe not...
ConfusedInOC Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 All i really know is he was having feelings of doubt regarding us or maybe me...he didnt get too detailed. We used to workout together everyday at 11 and when we broke he started going at 12... weird thing is we havent had any contact in 10 days and today he was there at 11...lucky me! As if i want to see him and not talk to him, i dont know what his motives were for that?? Its so hard because i miss him so much and have no idea whether or not he misses me or whats going thru his head... but as he keeps referencing "if its meant to be then him and i will end up back together, he has told me that numerous times since we broke up... maybe the time apart will make him realize what he had, maybe not... If it goes past three months and you don't get back together, the odds go down dramatically that you will get back together. Oddly enough, you should be cured of him after three months of NC. If I can stick to three months of NC with the ex, I KNOW I will be cured. She's not going to take me back unless for some reason a big bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and makes her synapses work like normal people's do She is weird girl, I admit that, and not everyone can handle her. But seeing someone is essentially breaking NC when you think about it. They see you, you see them and you're reminded of what was. Just don't call, text, page or email them. As much as I want my ex back, I know if I don't start implementing NC I will NEVER get over her and be able to move on. And if she comes back, well then I will deal with it then. For now, life goes on.
queenie01 Posted May 16, 2005 Posted May 16, 2005 yeah you are right...its only been a little over 2 weeks since we broke up so i still have ways to go...should be intersting if he contacts me to get together and talk like he said he wanted to do in a couple weeks.. I am trying to avoid him at all times but unfortunately he came down to the gym at the same exact time as me...dont understand why he would do that knowing i go everyday at 11...its almost like he did it on purpose, who knows!! I am not iniating any contact whatsoever tho with him....if he has anything to say he knows how to reach me!
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