"You said……"

[Guyouthere]

I got the following 2 paragraphs via text from a girl who I have known and been with for 6 months. She has a lot going on in her life, and I made the mistake of telling her I wanted to date others because of a couple of things she said that cut hard on me.

 

She is still trying to get over her last abusive relationship, as well as straighten out some major issues in her life.

 

Overall I feel she wants and sees a future for us come later. Or maybe Im just wishful thinking?

 

Here is what she wrote….. some advice on what best to do, how to handle her and this????

 

"You said you were not going to talk about relationship stuff.It makes me pull back even more"

 

"Its pushing again and holding me in spot for something I am not in control of".

Edited September 15, 2015 by Guyouthere

[PaperCrane]

You've been seeing her for 6 months but she doesn't want to talk about relationship stuff? You used a "Well I'm gonna see other people" as a come back from something she said that hurt you?

 

Man oh man, I think you can already tell what I'm going to say.

 

However, half a year is quite awhile. You two need to talk about what it is you both want out of this and if she isn't capable of talking about that she isn't in a position to be in a relationship.

 

Shame on you for saying what you did to hurt her.

[Guyouthere]

I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but she was talking about a day trip she went on with her friend and 2 guys, and one of them was all over her. She talked about him as if confused,,, saying he wasn't her type, but I ask,,,, what if he was? I think she might have gone after him, or that day might have turned out more "positive for her".

 

Thus I said "date other people".

 

She never said "I want only you:" but yet she talked like she does.

 

Now she has issued those statements above.

 

Do I have a right to be confused????

 

I have a feeling if I push her now, she will run even more, as she says.

 

End it or just wait and see how it all goes???

[PaperCrane]

If someone wants to be with you, they won't balk at the chance unless something really legitimate is in the way.

 

She's comfortable with the security of physically having a boyfriend around without issuing you that title.

 

Talking about how this guy was all over her and if he was more her type she'd what? She'd go for him?

 

I can see why you said what you said, and what she did was disrespectful.

 

What you should do now is what you should have done then. Walk away.

 

Quite literally she put you as backup. She didn't give two hoots about you on that trip while fielding his offer. When he didn't turn out to be her type she now wants you and only you?

 

Man, that's no way to live.

[Guyouthere]

According to the way she said it….

 

She kept thwarting the guy off… she didn't go for any of his advances,,,, she said he was a disgrace, and that she "kept talking about me".

 

It was a one day thing, and the guy bought her a bunch of **** too, which she questioned, he is a creep on his own.

 

But in my mind, like I said,,, the "what if?".

 

I'm just not convinced she would have still pushed him away.

 

Maybe she would haven maybe not.

 

And thats what bothers me.

[PaperCrane]

Ah okay, I misread.

 

As far as that goes...all women face this day in and day out.

 

Girls get approached and hit on all the time. Married, single, widowed, divorced, asexual, it doesn't matter.

[Guyouthere]

its how wishy washy she is that concerns me

 

 

had the guy been more her type i don't know if she would have resisted, or at the least,,, seen him again

[PureAppleJuice]

Ah okay, I misread.

 

As far as that goes...all women face this day in and day out.

 

Girls get approached and hit on all the time. Married, single, widowed, divorced, asexual, it doesn't matter.

 

Asexual is a sexuality and shouldn't be in that list.

[PaperCrane]

Asexual is a sexuality and shouldn't be in that list.

 

lol

 

 

its how wishy washy she is that concerns me

 

That part is what concerns me. The other part is kinda playing on your insecurity because she won't commit so I can see it frustrating you.

 

Just have a real conversation with her. You have a right to know what's going on in your 'relationship'. Don't push for anything, just ask what it is she's looking for right now. If what she says can still float your boat? Go sailing.

[Guyouthere]

She said she wants to heal herself…

 

But as I see her doing that,,,, she is becoming more distant.

 

I dunno,,,, never had to deal with this type of thing before in my life.

 

Overall I just feel she isn't 100 percent sure she wants me fully.

[PaperCrane]

When someone needs to heal themselves they do pull away as the energy they would normally give others they need to give to themselves.

 

She isn't 100% sure, and she won't be until she's healed.

 

At least she is being somewhat honest about it.

 

If I were in your spot with what I know...I'd let her do her thing. I wouldn't pressure anything at all. Your offer is there, she knows it, you know it, it'll happen if it should.

[Guyouthere]

Are you female by chance?

 

I agree….. because the alternative is to just move on and find another, and I am not comfortable with that.

 

Its just hard waiting, with no guarantee of a positive outcome for me.

[PaperCrane]

I'm in a similar boat.

 

Heck, the girl I'm courting is in this weird indecisive stage where her parents think we're dating but we're not, but she's kinda seeing this other guy she doesn't ever go on dates with or really sleep with but says she's 'happy'.

 

Do I know the situation is totally bonkers? I sure do. I know she's confused. I know she's unsure about some things in life. I'm also 100% sure that I know I love her. It causes some issues. I've been given offers by other women, which is flattering but I end up turning them down. I've gone after some to date a little to see if anyone is a better fit for me and they aren't, or they flake, or they have secret boyfriends, or their couch suddenly catches fire.

 

So at this point I've decided I'm gonna wait and see how mine plays out. Because of that I know what you're going to be dealing with.

 

Uncertainty. However, she will at some point make a decision. The question is if you are willing to invest that time, and if she ends up dating you, not holding anything during that time over their head. Resentment boils in this kind of time, so some distance is helpful.

[introverted1]

She is not interested in you as a bf.

[Guyouthere]

well earlier we had a big "blowout" that came up out of nowhere. Subject change from another topic, she just came out with a whole lot of "I am not in a relationship, I need to work on me, etc.".

 

She said she doesn't trust me now, that I hurt her and that she has "shut down all emotions and feelings".

 

She said I doubted her lovem her commitment, yet she never came out and actually said she was committed to me. Situation with the guy who was all over her, there is still part of her I believe who would have gone after him had he been her type.

There was another comment made last week as she said she needed to look at herself to ask why she was with me to begin with.

 

So she is obviously not an angel herself.

 

I took this **** because I realize she is under enormous stress, but nonetheless has also taken a tool on my feelings for her.

 

And so we are both guilty of things, not so nice ones.

 

I have yet to hear her say "Im sorry" for anything wrong that she did.

 

Making things worse, she initiated this argument tonight after knowing I have already been extremely sad and depressed after learning I lost a close friend just yesterday.

 

So where is her compassion?

 

She says now she is in work mode, wants to focus on that and her.

 

Maybe I should cut my losses now and just find someone who won't put me through this type of thing, and I have done so much for her.

[JewelD]

I'd move on. This guy was all over her and buying her stuff? If she was really talking about you as her bf the entire time, I'm not buying that. Yes, some guys hit on women all the time, but unless he's a psychopath, it's usually not that difficult to communicate you're not interested. Did she accept those things he bought her? Maybe she didn't like him, but she probably didn't protest too much at the attention. Except in the story she told you for your benefit.

 

Somebody who loves you and wants to be with you will make it clear and upfront. She didn't, so that's not what she wants. She's trying to guilt trip you when in reality, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. She wants you to feel bad about asking for a label for your relationship, that way, you'll stop asking about it and she won't have to give you one.

 

If she's in 'work mode' and needs to focus on her, then you need to focus on YOU. She may come around if she's a bit of a narcissist and misses your attention.

 

I just got done talking to a girl who was very similar. Wouldn't give me a definite answer on anything and when I got upset and questioned her, she would say I was being impatient and that she had a lot going on in her life and blah blah blah bs.

 

If somebody loves/wants you, there's VERY little that would keep them from you or from expressing that love. You wouldn't have to question it.

[Guyouthere]

I believe you said it very accurately and well.

 

No, she said she didn't accept them, but I know her friend is pushing her to "like the guy".

 

I sensed that part of her liked the attention, that just perhaps it would have gone on to be more if he had been her type. That alone tells me that she is not fully committed to me. There were other indications of that as well, but she put out a lot of signals, which confused me.

 

She does have a lot going on in her life, and I can see her needing space for that, but I also believe that if she loved me strongly enough, I would be worked into it all somewhere. Thats where she lacks.

 

I just sent her a message saying Im around. Her last messages to me last night via text were "stop thinking, sleep, don't be lonely, emotional".

 

She has a lot of penned up anger from issues in her life from before, and I see it affecting her now in this relationship.

 

She said she isn't in a relationship now, but still talks like she would want one "later" when she has everything in order.

 

She also has a ring I gave her, doesn't want to return it at this point (we haven;t discussed it lately), I haven't asked but I know its because she likely still sees a chance later. I think if she was totally done with us she would have returned it and other things.

 

So you see how confused I am.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Guyouthere

[MovingOnIsHard]

I believe you said it very accurately and well.

 

No, she said she didn't accept them, but I know her friend is pushing her to "like the guy".

 

I sensed that part of her liked the attention, that just perhaps it would have gone on to be more if he had been her type. That alone tells me that she is not fully committed to me. There were other indications of that as well, but she put out a lot of signals, which confused me.

 

She does have a lot going on in her life, and I can see her needing space for that, but I also believe that if she loved me strongly enough, I would be worked into it all somewhere. Thats where she lacks.

 

I just sent her a message saying Im around. Her last messages to me last night via text were "stop thinking, sleep, don't be lonely, emotional".

 

She has a lot of penned up anger from issues in her life from before, and I see it affecting her now in this relationship.

 

She said she isn't in a relationship now, but still talks like she would want one "later" when she has everything in order.

 

She also has a ring I gave her, doesn't want to return it at this point (we haven;t discussed it lately), I haven't asked but I know its because she likely still sees a chance later. I think if she was totally done with us she would have returned it and other things.

 

So you see how confused I am.

 

Ask her to give you back the ring. From what you have posted thus far, she's not relationship-material. You should also stop making excuses for her. Whatever her reasons are for acting the way she is, you shouldn't have to tolerate it.

 

Dont say stuff like "im around"; it reeks of desperation. She's already concluded she " isn't in a relationship now" Dont make yourself lower than dirt by letting her disregard your feelings.

 

Just because she's holding on to the ring doesnt necessarily mean she's seeing a chance for a relationship later on... If she's got a pretty ring on her finger she'll probably want to keep it anyway, regardless of how she got it.

 

Move on.

[JewelD]

I believe you said it very accurately and well.

 

No, she said she didn't accept them, but I know her friend is pushing her to "like the guy".

 

I sensed that part of her liked the attention, that just perhaps it would have gone on to be more if he had been her type. That alone tells me that she is not fully committed to me. There were other indications of that as well, but she put out a lot of signals, which confused me.

 

She does have a lot going on in her life, and I can see her needing space for that, but I also believe that if she loved me strongly enough, I would be worked into it all somewhere. Thats where she lacks.

 

I just sent her a message saying Im around. Her last messages to me last night via text were "stop thinking, sleep, don't be lonely, emotional".

 

She has a lot of penned up anger from issues in her life from before, and I see it affecting her now in this relationship.

 

She said she isn't in a relationship now, but still talks like she would want one "later" when she has everything in order.

 

She also has a ring I gave her, doesn't want to return it at this point (we haven;t discussed it lately), I haven't asked but I know its because she likely still sees a chance later. I think if she was totally done with us she would have returned it and other things.

 

So you see how confused I am.

 

What exactly does she need to get in order? and are you willing to wait around for an undetermined amount of time? Would you be okay with waiting and her potentially developing feelings for someone else and cutting it off completely?

 

Only you know what she's really like. Is she that amazing that you're willing to wait around until she wants a relationship?

 

Maybe she sees herself with you at some point, but it doesn't sound like she's sure about anything. and after 6 months, she should be. I wouldn't think too much of her keeping the ring, she might just like it a lot or she wants to keep you hanging around until she decides whether she wants you or not.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't wait around, but I wouldn't tell her that either. I'd just start talking to new people and seeing what else is out there. You might find someone a million times better who is ready for a relationship with you.

 

Everybody has problems and things going on in their life. That's not an excuse to string someone along.

[Guyouthere]

I dunno. I think that she has a point in needing time to heal from her past and what she is going through. She went through a very abusive relationship as well as some other very serious life changes that most people would never have to face. I can't say it here because it is confidential. I do think she isn't fully committed to me , which hurts given all I have done and how she said she felt. We had a conversation last night where she was cold, said she didn't trust me like before, but that she would forgive me. I asked her if she was giving up on us, and her response was "you are making me, you aren't giving me space".

So I backed off.

 

She also said I should sleep when I told her I couldn't, not to think about things, not to be lonely, emotional, scared (whatever this all represents).

Today was silent, nothing from her all day. I do know she did a lot for herself today, things to get her life in order, so she was busy.

 

I don't want to push, and feel I have, and she has told me she withdraws when that happens, so I am guilty. Yet I am still concerned myself because I still feel in my gut that she isn't sure of an us at all. She got hurt when I had questioned her sincerity int he past, but as said in previous posts above, she had given me good reason why I would question it.

 

So maybe the best thing is to sit back and do what I now told her I would do, that is leave her alone, let her contact me if and when she wants.

 

I am going to take advantage of meeting others, as she has already said go ahead and do so.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Guyouthere